#drink problem

[pointless-letters]

DAMN YOU, PC BRIGADE!

[niamflopped]

[colossaljunkyard]

[mydrinkproblem]

Better

It’s been almost 2 months since I last made a blog post. Which is far too long considering that I wanted to try and update the site every month. I’ve been writing but have procrastinated for far too long. 

After speaking to my doctor about feeling depressed and having suicidal thoughts and then being assessed - I felt good. Good that I was finally actually doing something about it. What I didn’t know is that almost five months later I’d still be waiting for my therapy sessions and not have any idea as to when they’d start. As the wait got longer I started taking the antidepressants, I didn’t want to but thought that they’d be the next best thing. Then I kinda gave up in December, being off work and having alot of time to myself really messed things up. I reverted back to doing coke and have found it pretty hard to stop since. I’ve probably spent somewhere in the region of £700 on coke since mid December. Recognising the problem I said to myself, ‘next month (February) I will stay clean,’ thinking that it’s a short month so that was a realistic goal. Wrong. I’ve just carried on, infact I’ll probably only stay clean next week because I don’t have a day off.

My annual tradition seems to be to start off the year with an STI. I thought that this year was the same as I could feel what I thought were warts and so I booked a test. That feeling of dread, knowing that I should have used protection the last time that I had sex and not knowing what you may have caught is awful. I now know that I was one of several partners the girl that I slept with last had the night that I was with her. So much so that her flat mate was shocked at her behavior. I had a runny nose when I was with her, which really was down it being so cold outside but she didn’t believe me and kept asking me for coke. She did other drugs and when I was leaving I saw her going into her room with some tin foil which filled me with dread. All of my tests came back negative - which is great. Having to go to the clinic was good though, they asked me whether I take any drugs during sex and I explained which ones. They asked me whether I have any problems with drugs at the moment, I said, “yes - coke,” they said that they’d get in touch with me regarding the support that they can offer me. I’d spoken to someone before but they just told me that I didn’t have a problem so hopefully it goes better this time.

A friend of mine was congratulating me for staying sober for so long. I sheepishly took his compliment but he seemed bemused that I didn’t seem to acknowledge the significance of what I’d achieved. My other friends that were there stayed silent, they knew that I’d swapped booze for other drugs. I didn’t tell him but he repeated it later on in the night. I look forward to the day when I can accept such compliments guilt free. Furthermore, there have been times in recent weeks when I’ve considered swapping the coke for alcohol. ‘At least that way it’d be cheaper,’ I thought. The embarrassment of going back into the off licence that I used to visit every evening after work, buying the cans that I used to drink every evening and having to explain where I’d been the last two and something years to the shopkeeper put me off it though. So did the fact that I’d have to write about it and tell you. Those are things that I don’t want to do.

Another friend of mine has been supporting me, encouraging me to go out even when I’ve been set on spending the whole day indoors. Bless her but she doesn’t also know that I’ve been battling to stay clean, I dare not tell her because she can’t keep things to herself and the last thing that I want is the rest of my friends knowing. Even so, whenever I do meet friends with aim of talking to them about stuff, our conversation is dominated by them talking about their problems and it doesn’t seem that they have even noticed that I may have things that I want to talk about too.

I recently went on a date and it was quite the experience. She was an hour late, she didn’t give me any updates and she turned up just when I was about to leave. Luckily my booking was for an hour after I had told her otherwise things would have been even worse. We played mini golf and had drinks after but I couldn’t hear here because the bar was too loud so we went to look for somewhere quieter. People stared at her because she was trans and I thought that was so rude, you could see that it made her feel uncomfortable and she lacked a bit of confidence because of it. As we wandered around I suggested, “a pub or bar,” to which she sarcastically replied, “another loud place?.” In the end we ended up at Nando’s, I paid again. She claimed to have been Nando’s before but she didn’t have a clue what to order, in the end I had to help her decide. She didn’t want to leave after we’d finished our meals and she didn’t want the night to end but I knew that she had work in the morning so I walked her to the tube station. She kissed me before she left and we stayed in contact after that but it was always due to me starting the conversation. Things have since fizzled out because I made a mess of Valentine’s Day. To the point where I can no longer see her Whatsapp profile picture because she has probably deleted me from her saved contacts. But as a testament to the kind of hot mess that she is, I can still see her Whatsapp story - stupid right? I spent £100 on that date and can’t really say that it was worth it. I was open with her far more than I have been with other girls and after this experience it will be hard for me to do it again. Perhaps my next first date can be in a coffee shop, that way it’ll be cheap if I’m paying for everything. It’s 2019, should guys still be paying for everything on the first date?

[scrapyardley-blog]

My Mom is hiding alcohol (I found this empty bottle of gin behind her sofa, I find them everywhere, in shoeboxes, by her bed), she has a problem, this has been going on for many years but it is getting worse. She is a functioning alcoholic but is in complete denial.

I have spoken to my Dad and brother about it. My Dad is no use, he buys her alcohol to show affection and keeps her glass constantly topped up in the evenings - then Mom sneaks extra on top of that. My Dad says he is concerned but does nothing about it. He thinks when Mom will be able to eventually work less hours at her stressful job things will sort themselves out and Mom will magically drink less. But that’s not how addiction works.

My brother is more realistic, but he lives in Canterbury (we’re in Birmingham). He comes down to visit for the holidays and stuff, we talked about it in depth over Christmas. We concocted a plan to tackle the issue; my brother was to get a job so Mom doesn’t have to work as much overtime to support him financially (which my brother has done), and I was to do two things 1. Help out more around the house with the cooking, cleaning, laundry etc and 2. Actually speak to Mom about it, a kind of intervention. -I did help out more to begin with, but I got lazy. I need to pick that back up, and -I did bring our concerns up with Mom.

The conversation; We went for a walk up the Likey Hills (a forest area near our house), it was a misty, wet day, the ground was muddy, but we were not deterred. It was the perfect chance for a heart to heart, an air clear, a confession, a truthful conversation.

I mustered up the courage and then said "Mom... we've had some awkward conversations in the past when you've been concerned about me, and I'm not afraid to have them... but this time, I'm concerned about you." Not a bad opening I thought, although I was wincing inside. It was real role reversal; I thought is this what I've got to come, becoming a parent/carer to my Mother? I think she knew to what I was referring; the drinking. I dropped in that I found a bottle of gin hidden in a shoebox when I was sorting out the dining room, and that I wasn't accusing her of anything, but if she is hiding alcohol then that is a warning sign, and I wouldn't be a very good support worker if I noticed the warning signs and didn't try to help my own Mother. Her response was that sometimes she just needs that extra drink and she doesn't want my Dad to pay for it... She was clear that she did not need help and does not have a drinking problem. I left it at that. I thought I don't want to push it. Just plant the seed of concern and shed a little light on it. Things have not improved. I will try harder, maybe bring it up in a more subtle way when the time is right.

[welkinalauda]

We don’t care, we’re not proud People say we’re a bit too loud Always drunk, what a shame Opening hours we’re back again

Whiskey makes you frisky Gin makes you sin Brandy makes you randy And rum makes you [drum roll]

[jackcollier7]

Driving Dangerously

~

Booze, Prescription Drugs, Street Drugs, Excessive Speed, Failing to Stop, Using A Cell Phone, Reading, Unroadworthy Vehicle, No Insurance, No Licence….

I firmly believe that almost all drivers have driven while they shouldn’t, or in cars that they shouldn’t be driving, or without the proper documentation, or done something they shouldn’t be doing while they were driving.  (oral sex, or…

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[warriormonkus]

Driving Dangerously

~

Booze, Prescription Drugs, Street Drugs, Excessive Speed, Failing to Stop, Using A Cell Phone, Reading, Unroadworthy Vehicle, No Insurance, No Licence….

I firmly believe that almost all drivers have driven while they shouldn’t, or in cars that they shouldn’t be driving, or without the proper documentation, or done something they shouldn’t be doing while they were driving.  (oral sex, or…

View On WordPress