A bPd E F G

28, UK, BPD etc.

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Hey guyyys!

Sorry for my disappearance. I’ve been spending a lot of time on my ED blog.. @strawberrysplitknees. It’s kind of become my main account - dunno if that’s healthy.. probs not. I have lost quite a bit of weight, but I’m trying not to lose any more.

Anywhoo.. a little catch up:

I made up with my bestie after that massive argument in the summer

I got a part time job in a pub/restaurant but I couldn’t hack it - it was h0Rrible!

I’m still with my bf

I’ve finally started writing my novel!

I have a new passtime - drawing on my phone! I’ve created a side blog of my ‘work’ @gr8-c4rt00ns (it’s mainly fan art)

It’s my birthday on Saturday. I’ll be 29 😳!

I haven’t self-harmed for over SIX MONTHS!

I’m getting a recovery tattoo on Monday on my wrist, something like this:

… Can’t really think of much else. I’ve got loads to catch up on with you guys! So that I don’t get behind on your lives again I’m gonna follow you from my ED account (if I haven’t already).

Have a good day everyone!

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Just got off the phone to my bro. I had a looong rant about my bf and our relationship and now I'm seriously considering/have decided I need out. How and when do you do a break up? Is 'no longer being interested in the other person' a good enough reason? You can't stay with someone because you don't think not wanting to be with them anymore is a good enough reason to end it.. can you? Nooo, that's madness.

Oh god. Why am I always the one that has to take responsibility for ending all the relationships. Am I a bad person?

- Short answer: probably, yes (but isn't everyone).

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My auntie has given my mom some 'advice' on how to treat me apparently.. WhattheactualFUcK?! Stuff like stop doing things for me and step back etc. I mean, I know my mom does 'look after' me, but I hate the fact that SHE (my auntie) thinks I'm a lazy, no good, dependant, waster! My mom kind of let it slip and I quizzed her on it and picked away and ranted. Is she forgetting that I did live away at uni for three fucking years. I can look after my fucking self. Now I want to move out. Haven't even got a job though...

My life really is going nowhere..

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A blog titled 'Good Girl or Fat Pig?' Rebloged a photo of me from my ED blog. It says they do meanspo to keep people "on track" AKA - in their eating disorder! They also messaged me about yoga?? Wierddd.

In a fucked up way I hope they don't consider me a 'fat pig'... wtf am I saying!

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Mom's drinking is as bad as ever. I worry, I feel like I can't call her out on it because she is secretive. Even when I catch her red handed, I shy away. Why? Because I'm embarrassed? I'd rather escape a few minutes of awkwardness and assertiveness than potentially help save my mom from drinking herself into an early grave? I don't want her to die. I can cry 'just like that' by thinking about mom and dad dying. Some times I test myself, like, 'jeez I've been pretty numb (or emotionally cut off -as my therapist would put it) for quite a while now... am I still capable of tears?' and I think myself into a tear drop. I think of all the arguments and times I've consciously chosen not to spend time with them, how precious time with them is and how I will one day regret it because they will be gone, forever, and I will miss them. I think about how long it took me to forgive them for various things. And then that therapist says shit like 'aren't you angry?!' like I should be! Maybe I'm just fucking over it. Maybe our special functioning complicated mess of love is too strong for anger to last. Don't tell me how to feel! There is no right or wrong! Fuck.

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Hey!

... been trying to meet you.

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Sass in therapy when you're not in the mood.

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This blog is a mess. Maybe that's reflective of my life at the moment.. My ED blog is so much neater and more organised. This is like my splurge, raw, punk blog, where I don't care about how I present.

Yesterday when I left the board game place I said "Well.. I'm gonna head (off now)" and every face greeted me with offence. Like I had seriously just pissed them all off. I mean, Christ! Get the fuck over it, I don't even know you guys - why do you give a shit? I was glad to get outta there to be honest. I'm getting worse at 'banter'. Unless I've had a few. God, is this what not having a job or friends does?? ... Well, yeah, I know this, I've been at square one a million times. I might as well set up fucking camp.

Need to find something to do around other people. Don't wanna lose my social skills again, 'cause that really sucks for confidence and self esteem.

I am lazy. Gonna stop writing, I'm bringing myself down and it's only 7:30am.

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Yo, check out @waxcolour ... I wish I was in a band.

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Hah ha, 0ops...

So yesterday when I got home I had a thank you card addressed to me and my bf from Little Mrs...

I take back my massive rant from the previous day. I really am a twat.

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We went to the board game place, I had a few (warm up) games of coup, made my excuses and left. My bf is still there. He fits in. I don't. They are nice enough people, but.. I don't know.

On the bus home now. I fucking hate myself today.

I was stood next to an attractive girl at the bus stop and I was flirting with my eyes in a very coy way. I had this whole narcissistic romance in my mind. Then she got on a bus.

I think the whole world revolves around me, but I know it doesn't. I don't like thinking it, it makes me para.

Fuck. Low key want to die.

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I don't want children, but I DO want grown up children when I'm old so I can use them as friends. Hmm 🤔

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Mom got a square letter (looked like a late birthday card) in the post today. It was from Little Miss (Perfect), or should I say Little 'Mrs' now (for those of you who don't know this is my cousin who got married not long ago - I was a bridesmaid). Anyway, it wasn't a birthday card. It was a thank you card. At the top it was addressed to my mom, my dad, my brother and his girlfriend! -No mention of me! It goes on to say 'thank you for your generous contribution' (they asked for money towards the honeymoon instead of presents) -Riight, but that contribution was from ALL of us! InCLUdiNG me. No thanks to me spending every penny on wedding shit when I lost my fucking job because I had aN0theR mental fucking break down. Oh no, that's okay. You just leave me the fuck out of it. I'm done.

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Saw this ad on TV last night and I was absolutely lovin' itt! I thought - this chicken is a motherfucking baddass! THEN, it turned out to be advertising KF-fucking-C!!! I was horrified and outraged and disappointed and 'all the feels'! How can they promote their 'delicious food' by showing a living chicken??? Surely that would be off putting, how can you want to eat living things - especially when it's like WHAM-in your face! -you're eating a dead AniMAL!! ALSO - in writing this post on my phone I realise that the predictive emoji for chicken is this: 🍗 and not: 🐓!!!! What the fuck is wrong with this world?!

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This song makes me wanna cut. Argh. But I love it so.. "Someone call the amBUlaNCe! There's gonna be an- Accident!" I listened to this on repeat last time I self harmed and had to have surgery.. probs should switch it off now.

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Baby, did you forget to take your meds?

Placebo