These past few months we’ve been living out of our element. We’re thousands of miles from home, we’re living on half the income, and we don’t know exactly what we’ll be doing when we return “home”.
The crazy thing about it is it’s kind of where we found our element. We dropped everything; two good jobs, an unbelievably affordable rental, and closeness with family. We packed up our house in Minnesota and drove to Phoenix, still not even knowing if I really had the job. Since being gone we’ve struggled in many ways, every little annoyance and frustration bringing us closer. We’ve discovered places we never knew we’d see. It’s been breathtaking. How the heck did we arrive at the weird crossroad? It was like we felt a sudden emergent need to make a decision. Sometimes I suppose you just need to look at the long, straight, boring road ahead and have the foresight to say “I’m sick of this, I’m turning left” and that’s exactly what we’ve been up to! We found some things we were doing on repeat were making us supremely unhappy. We found ourselves discontent to just muddle through our version of the American dream. People gave us many mixed reactions when we told them what we decided to do, seemingly with no thought (seemingly). We’d thrown ideas around for awhile and this one just landed well I suppose. It sounded fun and mysterious and you know what? It has been. People scrunched their noses and I could hear their thoughts when they asked “What about your job? What will Matt do? What will you do after? What about...? What about...? What about...?” I heard some people’s faces say “that’s crazy, this will be a miserable failure”. I just smiled because we’re okay with failing a little, we walk on together learn through it. Many many people were “so excited” for us to go adventuring. With a grin and a tear I think of all the people who were disappointed because they will miss us. Gosh, I miss them. My heart aches but I’m so glad we went! The deep-ness of my thoughts have felt like the deepest sigh of relief. I finally have had a break from the mundane and it’s expanded me as a wife, as a mother, a friend, as a wandering soul finally on the road again. I appreciate stability as well as unsurity. I appreciate closeness and loneliness. It’s like I understand now that hard things and bad feelings aren’t just there to make you feel sad. They’re there to grow you. People, despite how some people live, are not meant to just always stay the same. It’s okay to change our minds! It’s okay to become different than you thought you were! It’s okay to be comfortable and happy with being you. Dropping everything felt so good! It felt good!! We peeled possessions off of us like a leech. We were spending so much time managing our things that we didn’t have time to enjoy the things we intended to do with them! Ugh... it was exhausting! I don’t ever want to feel stuck like that again. Even if we decide to go back to some of the things we did before I think we found some clarity here. In the struggle. In the excitement. In the unknown. We found a different way we want to be. To think. This feels like a beginning after a long rest. This feels like a horizon after not being able to see where we were going for awhile. I am forever grateful for this “trip”, boy it’s been a trip.