Brain Curd #363
Brain Curds are lightly edited daily writing - usually flash fiction and sometimes terrible on purpose.
The following material is classified - unless you've read the rest of Government Man here on Tumblr!
Government Man sat in his office, twiddling - his thumbs, mostly. Since he located the missile launch codes in his wallet months ago (they were disguised as a receipt for a chicken sandwich), Boss Man had neglected to assign any duties. In fact, he’d rarely left his office at all.
On the rare occasion Government Man caught a glimpse of Boss Man, he was cryptidoid in nature - fleeting, blurry, and covered in significantly more hair than he should have been according to the CIA dress code.
And at every attempt to reach out, GM (that’s Government Man’s nickname) was turned away at the door. The same went for Government Woman - though she didn’t seem especially interested. Only Government Boy was allowed in or out of the dark, dank, bodily odorous office in which Boss Man kept the blinds tightly shut. He was Boss Man’s confidante, if ‘confidante’ was French for ‘liquor delivery boy’.
Government Boy’s gunshot wound was all healed up, now, and he had full use of his arms. He was growing up so fast - he even had a little hair growing from his chin that he refused to shave off - again, despite the dress code. And despite the fact that Government Man had tried to teach him how to use a razor.
Government Woman was hard for Government Man to understand. She kept asking him for odd favors, like handing her a sprig of mistletoe from the ceiling or lifting up his shirt so she could ‘check him out’. But she never found anything in all the times she’d looked, and seemed to be getting more and more frustrated about it. Perhaps, GM thought, this might have had something to do with her kissing him on the helicopter as they escaped the middle east. But probably not.
Government Man liked to spend his days thinking about all this, since there really wasn’t anything else to do. But suddenly, halfway through his morning ponderance, his chair began shaking. At first, he thought it was an earthquake, but then he recalled that he set his office to vibrate. He flipped a switch under his desk and a message came across the intercom.
“All agents,” Boss Man said. “Report to my office immediately. Government Woman, Government Boy…”
Government Man leaned forward in anticipation.
“… And the rest. I have an urgent assignment.”
That was good enough for him. He put on his coat and ran to Boss Man’s office.
Government Woman and Government Boy were already there, waiting in a single file line. Government Man lined up behind them.
“Hey,” he whispered to Government Boy. “Where is Boss Man?”
“I am not sure,” Government Boy replied. “But if he does not show up in fifteen minutes, we get to go home.”
Government Woman crossed her arms. “That’s a myth.”
There was a sound of running water and then Boss Man exited the restroom. He looked at the lineup, sighed, and fiddled around with his keys before opening the office door. He turned on the light and ushered the three agents inside.
Government Boy bounced in. “Is today the day we get to meet Government Girl, Boss Man?”
Boss Man rolled his eyes. “No.” He sat down behind his desk and cleared glass bottles from the top, then cleared his throat. “I have received a message from the top brass. He’s requested to meet with you.”
“Who?” Government Man asked.
“None other than the single highest ranking individual in the entire world: President Man.”
“President Man?” Government Woman squinted at him. “Don’t you mean -”
“He is known only as President Man.” Boss Man insisted. “And he has requested you in the Ovaller Office.” He passed a doodled-on napkin across the desk toward Government Boy. “These are the directions there.”
Government Boy picked it up and studied it. “Okay.” He walked away. After a beat, GM and GW followed.
The trio arrived at the Ovaller Office a mere twenty minutes later after taking the bus. It was indeed exceptionally ovally. President Man sat with his chair dramatically pointed away from the entrance, then even more dramatically turned to reveal himself. He bore no resemblance to any real person, living or otherwise, and was clearly an entirely original character.
“You would not believe what has happened to me.” President Man gesticulated. “It was the crime of the century, no, millennium. Crime of the millennium. Of all time.”
Government Man stepped forward. “What’s happened, sir?”
“Somebody - I don’t know who, could be anyone, really - somebody has stolen my shoelaces. Right from under my nose. How did they do it? Who are they? Impossible to tell. You’ll never find out.”
Government Woman squinted at him. “What exactly do you need us to do, sir?”
“Find out. I wanna know who stole my shoelaces and I want them back ASAP. My shoes keep falling off - do you believe this? The things I have to put up with to run this country. I could have spent my retirement golfing, just golfing with my friends, my celebrity friends.”
Government Man saluted. “Understood.”
“I was friends with O.J. O.J., can you believe it? ‘The juice is loose’. He’d always say that. But I beat him every time. Hole in one. Hole in two. Sometimes hole in three. Always a better amount of holes than he could do, I can tell you that.”
Government Boy nodded. “Okay. We will go do that now.”
“He used to say to me, ‘President Man, how are you so fantastic at golf? If I was a murderer, I would threaten you with this knife I keep in my bag.’ So I said -” President Man continued talking as the three shut the door behind them, probably just because he enjoyed the sound of his own voice.
“Wow,” Government Boy quipped. “He is weird.”
“I like him.” Government Man smiled. Then he saw the look on Government Woman’s face.
“That is a major turn-off,” she gagged. “Please stop liking him. Anyway, I need to use the restroom. I will see you both later back at headquarters.”
“Okay.” Government Boy walked off.
“Uh…” Government Man wanted to think of something to say, but realized he had forgotten the way back, so rushed to catch up with Government Boy.
Government Woman walked into the empty ladies’ room and pulled out a flip phone. She dialed the number she’d long since memorized.
“It has happened,” she said cryptically.
On the other end, Alpha (that is, the original Government Man, who… you know what, just read the first 21 episodes if you’re confused) replied: “Affirmative.”
He flipped the phone shut and leaned back in his recliner. The wheels were in motion.
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