#dsrct

[dsrctbensjourneyblog]

Ramblings ...

Last night I looked over at Ben ... and realised I hardly recognize him ... yes the eyes are sort if the same ... but that's about it! Chemo and cancer have completely changed the person I've known for 17 years ... yes he is bald and has lost loads of weight but the noticeable change has been immense.

On monday we will find out if the doctors will be continuing with chemo or if they will be solely focusing on radiation ... radiation has its cons but not even close to the cons of chemo ... cant lie a little nervous for this outcome!

[dsrctbensjourneyblog]

Delaying ...

Everyday I think of doing a post... but cannot bring myself to do it. It's not that I have nothing to say ... it's just how to say it! The days change all the time no two days are the same! Yes in theory routines stay the same but the actual events change ... Ben has good days ... he has really bad days and then we get the days where it's not good or bad it's just a day. Going anywhere is getting more difficult ... Ben gets tired really quickly and he gets Ill at a drop of a hat ... and that's okay we make the days we out count!

As I watch Ben day in and day out ... I see the tumors in his throat growing continuously... and it blows my mind ... there is nothing I can do to take his pain away or as the tumors get bigger and make him feel uncomfortable ...

So doctors want to do radiation ... on top of chemo ... this is going to be fun! I watch as Ben's body is taking beating after beating ... and he is becoming less and less of the Ben that I know ... yes I see glimpses of him here and there ... but havent heard him laugh his straight from the gut laugh (if u know him personally you will know what I mean) and his smile no longer reaches his eyes ... ut breaks my heart! This larger than life man that I know is no longer... and all because Cancer decided it was going to ravage his body and fuck up lives as it went by with no remorse!

[dsrctbensjourneyblog]

Day 4 of quarantine

Today was an awesome day .. Ben drank a whole shake!!!! Progress has been made!! I literally do a dance ... hence the rain 😂. His color has returned and he looks alot better. He is still in pain ... buuuut doctors changed his meds and he seems to be responding. Epic day!!

[dsrctbensjourneyblog]

The times they are a changing ...

So before anyone gets there knickers in a twist ... this post is in no way directed at any particular person ... or in anyway to offend anyone ... that being said ... and u are offended ... then stop reading and be free dobby ... this is a general observation ... and is in no way a bad thing!

I am kinda jealous of being people at the moment who are able to plan events or outings ... you know when people you know or know of have someone that is sick you think oh shame ... and move along with life ... but for the people and their families experiencing it their lives come to a grinding halt! We cannot plan ahead ... cause we cannot be sure of the day ahead whether it's a rough day or a semi functioning day so we literally kinda have to play it by ear. Ben gets tired so quickly now yes the chemo does this is it pretty to watch not at all especially when walking from the bedroom to the kitchen seems like he has pretty much run a marathon ... or if it's one of the days where the pain is so severe that he walks hunched over or a combination of both ...

As I hear people making plans... and doing activities I am kind of jealous that everyone around us have some level of normality in their lives ... do I resent Ben ... not in this lifetime I will wait it out until that very infrequent good day comes along and will make the most of it. And get a glimpse of Ben pre cancer .. those are the days that I look most forward to.

Life has come to a grinding halt but that's ok ... you learn to appreciate the small things and small victories ...

Me being a planner by nature this is a whole new element for me ... but it's not such a bad thing I'm learning to go with the flow which is a little hard for me but I'm learning ...

Yes there are days where I could stay in bed and never get out ... but I get out of bed and carry on with day some days are easier than others... watching Ben becoming more and more sick is hard to watch as the chemo is running through his body and making him violently ill having no energy and finding mundane tasks hard to do. But we will persevere and make the most of everyday.

Ben's touch of cancer will not prevail and we will take everyday as it comes.

[dsrctbensjourneyblog]

Hard times ...

This is one of the hardest posts I've done so far ... the last two days have been rough ... some days are easier than others but the last 48 hours are the roughest we've had! The last round of chemo has literally flat catted Ben he is battling with mouth sores now and is weak and fatigue has taken its toll. His eaten pattern is worse than ever and it's taken its toll on him ... and me! I'm literally at wits end thinking up concoctions that are edible but nutritious as his body has now decided fruit doesnt agree with him so there goes that option. I've tried the mash thing plain rice plain pretty much anything ... it's not working! My heart breaks for him watching him get sicker and sicker and there is not a damn thing I can do to help him! This is tough! I used to always say losing someone quickly is harder than if you should lose them to illness ... boy was I wrong! Watching someone get weaker and sicker and become a shadow of who they were is hard! Ben is in constant pain ... and he tries so hard to be brave and not let me see it but I know him well enough to know when he is in immense pain!

Buuut the battle continues ... I will find a way to get him to eat ... and make him strong again ...

[dsrctbensjourneyblog]

And here we go again ...

Generally sundays are not great ... you know the start of a new week ... the sadness of another weekend ending ... and what did you actually accomplish on said weekend ... however every second Sunday night for us is a mixture of running around packing bags and watching Ben get more and more anxious as monday the chemo starts again... for the week. Meaning he is admitted into hospital and pumped full of toxins that are supposed to do something for him while making him Ill... yes the irony is not lost on me.

These sundays are the worst whenever the packing starts the reality hits! Another week of juggling work, hospital visits and life ... never mind the worrying of how the chemo is going, how Ben will react today and whether his heart and organs are keeping up. But here's to another week of our life ... and we will make it a good week regardless of what's ahead! We will smile we will laugh ! And even crack a joke !!

[dsrctbensjourneyblog]

Ready or not ... here we go again ....

So yesterday Ben had his check up ... well so we thought! We get there ... wait in a queue as true fashion of a government hospital which is freaking me out a little but ... I keep my cool ... we eventually see the doc ... and she says ... treatment plan has changed!! Wait what .... what we miss? So I cautiously ask ... to what? This is the new treatment plan .... he is to be admitted today for 24 hours if all runs smoothly they will blast him with chemo for 24 hours then release him for 2 weeks ... then in 2 weeks he is to go back for a the weeks chemo so be admitted again into hospital for a week blast him with chemo and then release him for 2 weeks... then readmitted for 24 hours.....

Ben was not impressed as according to him he still had a week home ...

Sooooo back to hospital visits ... and creepy hospital parking lot stairs!

[dsrctbensjourneyblog]

Day 6 of quarantine

Cabin fever has set in ... first visit this morning was ok but Ben getting a little depo second visit the signs started ... thinking his platelets are dropping again the flu like systems started AGAIN ... by the evening visit he was flat cat not sure it its cabin fever or platelets ... blood tests in the morning will tell here is hoping it's just cabin fever ... as I'm not sure he can take another day in hospital. That being said he ate some chicken and mash today which is awesome!!