im at a christian basketball game. dressed hella masc. people who don't know me would most likely assume im a guy, as long as they don't hear me talk
good thing right? right
EXCEPT for the fact i had to go to the bathroom
since im at my christian school, and im not used to going into the men's room, i had to go to the female one
as soon as i walked in i saw like three or four women who i didn't recognize notice me (they didn't stare or anything, but whatever), and another who followed me in
and just like that, the illusion is ruined. now a few less people aren't oblivious, and know im afab
it was barely anyone. and i wasn't even treated differently. and yet i hated every damn second
npd + dysphoria + avpd + something i have No Idea What It Is. amnesia but not amnesia culture??? does that?? make sense?? whatever. anyway. npd + dysphoria + avpd + unknown memory issue culture is actually not thinking you're attractive and only remembering what things are on your face/the color of things on your face. thinking you're so ugly and being extremely picky about your face when you do see it but 90% of the time you cant even remember what it looks like. all i know is i have 2 lip piercings in some place, heterochromic eyes somewhere, and black and blue hair in whoever knows where.
My chest dysphoria is not that bad because of the development of my breasts have been much slower than my peers. I am 17 and they barely exist at all- which is something I am really grateful about. My period cycle is also irregular but it just makes my life easier really. Recently my mom got me to see a doctor and he said that nothing was wrong with my ovaries and irregularity was normal for some teens. But after doing a hormone test he prescribed a drug to higher my estrogen levels. My transmasc ass dreams about top surgery everyday and now I've gotta take this shit to change my body exactly the opposite of the way I want. Idk what would be the consequences if I lied to my mom and didnt take the pills. Either way the situation is so frustrating. I need opinions of other people I really dont know what to do. [ coming out to my mom isnt an option so pls dont suggest that.]
Hi! I've been questioning my gender for months now and I'm like super confused. I think I'm genderfluid or something like that, but I don't know. I'm afab and I think I feel really dysphoric because of my hips, cause they are so large and feminine. It's a real feeling right? It's not just me imagining things, right? Is it possible to just feel dysphoric because of my hips and when I'm wearing dresses? Also, is it normal to not know what your gender is? It's so frustrating not knowing and sometimes I just think I'm faking.
I can't tell you you feel dysphoric or not because I'm not you..
But it is 100% a real thing to feel dysphoric of your hips. That's a very common source of dysphoria. And yes, it's 100% normal to not know what your gender is. No one is born knowing. Cis people are told and then never question... That's different from knowing. Trans people, we all have to figure it out. Just because you're still figuring doesn't mean that you're faking.
(A/N:This is dedicated to the person in the enby pidge tag who told me I couldn't headcanon enby Pidge. You filled me w/ enough rage to write this.)
1.
How ironic was it that it was the announcement to the team telling them that she was a girl that started Pidge’s realization.
She thought it would bring a weight off her chest, the secret she had been keeping from most of the team finally revealed.
And yet...that wasn’t the case.
All Pidge could feel was this...sinking feeling as she told them. Like there was something wrong in what she was telling them. And that sinking feeling only got worse as everyone except Lance told her that they already knew.
Pidge could tell something was wrong but she couldn’t tell what. Shouldn’t she feel better after telling them? Why did she feel so much worse instead? Pidge wasn’t a boy so...why did it feel so wrong being called a girl?
Pidge..didn’t want to think about it. She was probably overreacting. After all she had been living with nothing but guys for months and pretending to be one, that was bound to mess with her a bit.
~~
2.
Pidge tried to push down the feeling she was getting in her gut that something was off. And for the most part she succeeded.
At least she did until she walked in on Hunk and Lance talking about her.
“...I still can’t believe I didn’t realize Pidge was a girl Hunk,” Lance groaned, complaining to his fellow Paladin, “I mean it’s soo obvious now, I should have realized she was a girl back in the Garrison.”
Lance clearly hadn’t noticed Pidge yet, as Pidge was pretty sure he wouldn’t be saying this if he knew that she was right behind her.
But as she heard Lance talking, she froze as the sinking feeling returned with a passion. If she had thought it had felt bad telling everyone she was a girl, that was nothing compared to hearing Lance call her a girl.
Pidge had planned to get a drink from the kitchen, but they had to go through the common room to do that and they just...couldn’t. Not with this terrible sinking feeling in her stomach.
Pidge quickly walked away, not even noticing the two had stopped talking and someone was calling out to her.
Wanting to ignore the weird feeling in her chest, Pidge threw herself into some projects. It was easy to forget about what she was feeling when she was working on things.
~~
3.
It was maybe too easy sometimes that she tended to forget to keep track of time when she was working on stuff.
She hadn’t even noticed how late it was until Shiro came into the lab.
“Pidge, how long have you been working,” Shiro called as they walked in, making Pidge jump a little.
“Uhhh I think it’s only been an hour or two,” Pidge lied, hoping Shiro would buy it.
But glancing back at Shiro, Pidge could tell that wasn’t the case.
“Pidge, it’s late, bedtime.”
Pidge groaned, but listened, knowing Shiro would make her if she didn’t, and headed to her room to get ready for bed.
Pidge sighed as they went to change into some more comfy clothes to sleep in. As the started to change they glanced over at the mirror and the weird feeling they had started moving on from their stomach, instead crawling all over their skin.
Wanting the feeling to go away, they quickly shoved the hoodie they were planning on sleeping in.
Immediately the feeling went away, leaving Pidge with a question as they headed to bed.
How long had it been since they were last able to look at themselves in the mirror?
Pidge shook it off, it was probably nothing, and besides she needed to head to bed before Shiro actually came in to check on her like he tended to do when he was worried people weren’t taking care of themselves.
~~
4.
The next day, Pidge was planning on heading back to the lab, after all they didn’t want to think about...whatever happened yesterday anymore than they had to.
And it wasn’t like anyone was going to treat her differently now that she had told them she was a girl right?
As it turned out, the answer to that was a no as Allura came to talk to her while she was eating breakfast.
“Oh Pidge! Good you’re here!”
Pidge flinched a little, having not heard Allura approach. Why did the Alteans have to be so fucking quiet all the time.
“Is there something you need Allura,” Pidge asked, then wincing slightly at how blunt that was, “Sorry I didn't get much sleep last night.”
Wasn’t a complete lie. Pidge had tossed and turned a bit last night, thinking over the weird feeling they kept getting.
Allura nodded in understanding. She probably thought it was nightmares, not whatever Pidge was dealing with.
“Anyways I was thinking, I saw in some of your pictures that you liked to wear dresses when you were younger. I was wondering if you’d like some of my old ones.”
Pidge hesitated for a second. Something about the idea of wearing dresses again felt...wrong to them.
But Allura looked so hopeful and Pidge didn’t want to let her down. Maybe she could just take them and wear them later if she was in the mood?
“Uh sure, I don’t see why not,” Pidge said after a moment.
Allura seemed to light up. “Great, then you can try some on real quick to see if they fit?”
Fuck. Pidge couldn’t help but feel like she didn’t have a choice here. “...Right.”
Allura beamed and dragged Pidge along to grab the dresses. Pidge had a sinking feeling that there wasn’t going to be an easy way out of this.
Once they got to Allura’s room, Allura dug out some of the dresses that she had been talking about and handed them over to Pidge. “Hoefully these will work for you, you can try them on in the bathroom over there.”
“Right,” Pidge said, muttering under their breath slightly as they headed to the bathroom. Hopefully just one would appease Allura so Pidge wouldn’t be here all day.
Pidge sighed as they quickly got changed. Just one to appease Allura and then everything would be fine.
At least that’s what Pidge thought until she actually got the dress on and suddenly everything felt so wrong.
She glanced in the mirror after getting the dress on and could feel her skin crawling. All she wanted to do was get this damn dress off.
But why? She had been fine wearing dresses before? Why did she now just want to tear this dress off and never look at it again?
Pidge flinched upon hearing the knock on the door. “Pidge, is everything okay in there?”
“Sorry, I just got a bit distracted,” Pidge called. She hesitated for a second before adding something on. ‘I think this dress is a bit too small for me.”
Pidge hadn’t even realized that as they put it on, but it was clear now. Why else would it feel so tight? Plus it would explain why Pidge wanted to get it off as soon as possible.
“Well I’m sure I have some bigger dresses.”
“Thank you for the offer Allura,” Pidge said, quickly changing back into some more comfortable clothes, but I have work I need to be doing.” As she said this she handed the dresses back to Allura and got out of there as quickly as she could.
~~
5.
Alright enough was enough. Something was up with Pidge. She wasn’t sure what it was but enough stuff had happened in the past few days that she could tell something wasn’t right.
After some pacing, and trying to see if she could figure out what the fuck was going on on her own, she turned to Google.
Well it wasn’t technically Google, giving they were lightyears from Earth and most certainly not close enough for Google to work
It was more like a Space version of Google that Pidge had worked on to make sure it was a language she could understand.
She wasn’t sure exactly what to look up at first, so many different things had been going on recently that she wasn’t sure exactly she was looking for.
After a bit of debate, she decided to just look up everything she’d been feeling recently and hope that something clicked.
After a wild goose chase that Pidge had needed to take a break to eat in the middle of, she found something.
It was a single word but it kep popping up so Pidge figured she should look it up.
“Nonbinary,” she muttered to herself, reading the definition out loud. “an umbrella term for gender identities that are neither male nor female or identities that are outside the gender binary.”
That had to be a coincidence. Pidge had been a girl for the longest time, she would have realized by now if she was nonbinary.
And besides she had been fine getting called a girl before this. She was just being weird now, nothing more than that.
Pidge closed her laptop and walked off, needing to get some fresh air. She really needed to figure out what was going on with her before it started interfering with stuff.
~~
+1
Pidge probably should have realized that people would start to worry about her when she disappeared all of a sudden. She had just needed some alone time to figure stuff out.
That was kind of ruined when Shiro entered. “There you are Pidge,” Shiro sighed in relief. “Everyone’s been looking for you.”
Had it really been that long since she had come out here? “Sorry Shiro, I didn’t mean to worry you guys.”
If it had been anyone else, they would have brushed it off and just let the others know where Pidge was.
Shiro wasn’t just anyone however, and he could tell when people weren't okay.
“Katie, is everything alright?”
The second Pidge heard her real name leave Shiro’s mouth, she flinched. She didn’t understand why but it was...instinctive.
Katie was still her name, even if she preferred to go by Pidge so why did she flinch?
“What’s wrong with me,” Pidge muttered to herself.
Shiro, if he hadn’t been worried before, was definitely worried now.
“K-,” Shiro stopped himself before calling Pidge Katie again. He probably had noticed her flinch when he called her that before. “Pidge, you know you can tell me anything.”
“If I knew what was going on with me, you’d be the first to know Shiro,” Pidge said, “But honestly, I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me.”
Pidge was half expecting Shiro to call her out on her cursing. But apparently Shiro knew she needed to get it out.
“Why don’t you explain to me everything that’s been going on recently and maybe I can help.”
Hearing Shiro’s words, Pidge spilled everything they’d been feeling recently. All of the weird feelings they’d been getting for seemingly no reason and how everything just felt so wrong.
Shiro paused before speaking. “Pidge, I know you dismissed it before, but what you’re describing sounds like you might be nonbinary.”
Pidge wanted to dismiss it but she (they?) hesitated. It was one thing for Pidge to think that but for Shiro to think so to. Could she….could they be nonbinary?
“..I’ll let the others know you’re okay Pidge, I know you’ll need some time to think this over.”
If Shiro’s talk with Pidge led to them coming out to the team a second time, well that was no one’s business but Pidge’s.
~Bonus~
Pidge was on their way back to the lab after finally getting that weight off their chest. The others all accepted them, though they had to explain to Allura and Coran exactly what nonbinary meant.
Before they got too far though, they heard someone calling out to them. “Pidge! Hold on a second.”
Pidge turned around to see Lance running to catch up to them. “Hey Lance, what’s up?”
Lance took a second to catch their breath before speaking. “I wanted to apologize for earlier, when you overheard me talking to Hunk.”
Pidge hadn’t even realized Lance had noticed them standing there. Then again, thinking back on it the two had gone quiet right before they ran off. “Lance it’s fine you didn’t k-”
“Pidge, it's not fine, it really hurt you. I know if I had been in your position, someone complaining about not realizing my gender, it would have really hurt me.”
Pidge blinked a bit at that, the way Lance had said that...it sounded like he was speaking from experience.
“Lance...are you?”
Lance hesitated slightly. “Kind of? I’m not cis if that’s what you’re asking. But uh...I’m trans ftm, not nonbinary. And I know how much it hurts to be misgendered.”
Pidge thought about how weird it had felt being called she and nodded. “I forgive you Lance. Besides I know you couldn’t have known so you didn’t have to apologize.”
Lance grinned. “What can I say, us non-cis folk have to stick together.”
Pidge snickered a bit at that. “I guess you’re right.”
