Listen, Batman. You can call it a "utility belt" all you want. I know a fanny pack when I see one. Just hand me the wet-nap and shut up.
@sween (Jason Sweeney) – 112
No, son, you weren't a mistake. Your mother did this to me on purpose.
@fireland (Joshua Allen) – 110
You say "looks like somebody has too much time on their hands" but all I hear is "I'm sad because I don't know what creativity feels like."
@dwineman (Dan Wineman) – 107
Slovenly! THAT'S the word I've been trying to look like all day.
@lonelysandwich (Adam Lisagor) – 74
Ugh, I can hear the neighbors doin' it again. Why can't they just announce it on the internet like normal people?
@CcSteff (Stephanie) – 73
If Muhammad Ali had studied chaos theory, would he have popularized the phrase "Flap like a butterfly, start a tornado in your face"?
@sween (Jason Sweeney) – 71
Does it count as moisturizing if you use your own moisture?
@lonelysandwich (Adam Lisagor) – 64
Problem with mob justice is the ones who're more interested in the mob than the justice.
"The truth is complicated" is no fun to chant.
@hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 62
On my way into 7/11 a homeless guy asked for change then said "Maybe on your way out." Guess I'll just stay in here until he goes h-OH SHIT.
@tehawesome (Henry Birdseye) – 60
Wait. "Doggy-style" DOESN'T mean turning around three times and then vigorously licking your crotch? Thanks for the heads up, guys.
@sween (Jason Sweeney) – 60
Profoundly funny tweet #1521746975 (?)
@luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 54
Drinking for three.
@bcompton (Doom Nibbler) – 53
Profoundly funny tweet #1525352162 (?)
@luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 52
Ever wonder how many things we unwittingly agree to do, simply because we're intimidated by the nipples of the person asking?
@Jessabelle2o7 (Jess) – 51
Tea party: because something something taxes I'm angry about stuff.
@CcSteff (Stephanie) – 50
I put my coffee cup down and now it's gone. Stupid Somali pirates.
@badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 50
Every time you post a Rush Limbaugh joke and lose a follower because of it an angel gets to marry whomever they choose wherever they want.
@trelvix (Trelvix) – 49
I put the slim back in Muslim.
@lisarahmat (Lisa Rahmat) – 48
I wish I still smoked so I could do stuff like smoke and cut the grass, or smoke and play catch, or smoke and cough real loud into the phone
@CranberryPerson (N/A) – 47
If Hell has a theme song, its title must be something like "I Just Called To Say I Love You Just the Way You Are the Wind Beneath My Wings."
@adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 47
