In Which I Publish a Stand Up Bit That I'll Probably Never Perform Because "Waves at Everything"
(Stage directions are in parentheses. Mic is on the stand for this.)
What man hasn't done the "dick pinch waddle"?
OK, this next thing is just for those with external plumbing.
Have you ever just SUDDENLY had to pee and nothing else mattered? You'll be glad in the end, lady peoples.
Like, you're in your living room, just watching Netflix or playing a video game or whatever and...
BOOM!
(Panic! Crossed legs! Grab crotch! Hop! Bounce around!) Holy shit, I have to pee!
(Calm, aside) I need to add, this specific scenario ONLY happens at home.
So you get up and head toward the bathroom, post haste.
But, as you stand up, you know something BAD is gonna happen, so you rip open your jeans, drop the sweat pants, lose the shorts, WHAT. EVER. IT. MUST BE. GONE.
YOU NEED TO GET TO YOUR DICK. SOMEONE HAS TO CONTROL THIS.
So you whip your dick out in your living room.
(Aside, to the audience) Like I said, this is a "home alone" kind of thing.
And FOR SAFETY REASONS, you grab it and just squeeze the living shit out of it, mid shaft.
And... oh GOD YOU HAVE TO PEE!
wait for it...
(act out on stage)
And then, you let your prostate open the floodgates, knowing that your vice grip will save you and that rug that really tied the room together.
But then you take stock of the situation.
You're standing in your living room, with whatever was posing as pants at your ankles, penis in hand, and yes, sure, relieved, but you also know you're currently holding back a gallon or seven of urine and the bathroom is ALL the way over there.
So.
Here we are.
(On stage, holding my dick in my hand.)
(In this case, I'm just using my ring finger and thumb and I look down at it)
(I do a double take.)
(Then, deliberately pausing the bit, I hold up my hand, showing the audience my "grip". My tiny, ring finger grip.)
(I stare at it.)
I look out at the audience, "I really really wish I'd chosen a more "manly" or at least larger grip for this.
(Bekeggin act out with grip sizes. Specifically, grabbing with both hands. Possibly doing a manly grunt.)
(I've settled on "extra medium" as my grip size)
Back to the living room.
So, here we are, pants at our ankles, buckets of piss ready to ruin a great rug, one hand occupied, the other wondering why it didn't get picked for squeeze duty, but what do we do.
Like, OK, you could have been doing kegel exercises since forever and that would stop a further torrent, sure. We can just power down, reactivate our prostate, and go back to having to pee like crazy again. But you, my friend, have already released a measure of pee into the wild. What's about to happen to that stuff?
Depending on where you pinched off, there could be a LOT of pee in the chamber, you know?
Even if your prostate gets things back under control to contain the flood, if you let go, something's comin' out.
This is where you start to think about rugs and carpets and NO, I've never just let go.
Even though my kegels and prostate are in tune.
Ladies.
Only a terrible roommate or a random frat guy lets go at that point.
A gentleman does the only left to him.
The dick pinch waddle.
The most horrific dance move ever.
You know it.
(The absolute most horrific dick pinch waddle act out. Shuffling. Almost tripping. A small "eek" noise.)
Fin.
