#easy days

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #767

It is the morning before today's 12-hour shift, and I'm feeling pretty all right. I have me a great breakfast, and... a combination of weakly-brewed tiramisu tea, and good-quality hot cocoa mix:

...The cocoa/tea wasn't what I intended; I had a brain fart while measuring out loose leaves. But that's all right. We can improvise when we mess something up. Just add hot cocoa! Hahaha...

I ate really well yesterday, too. My guts still felt a little bit glorgly (yes, that's a word now, despite the red squiggly underline trying to tell me that it isn't! I decided it!) up until yesterday evening, so I figured a simple lunch would be best. Inspired by the farina that was made for the people we serve for breakfast (farina is finely-ground wheat, without bran or germ; a popular brand in my part of the world is Cream of Wheat), and driven by curiosity about the fact that I've never had it before, once I was done writing to you, I went ahead and made myself a bowl of it in the microwave. It's stupid easy to make – 1/4th cup of milk per tablespoon of dry farina. Mix it up in a bowl, heat it in the microwave for one-minute intervals, stirring at the end each time until it's a warmth and consistency you like. Add a bit of salt to it when it's done heating, and stir it up. I was shocked at how yummy the stuff is, even if it looks super plain and bland!!!

It's like oatmeal, but with a finer consistency and a bolder flavor. But maybe that's just the salt helping things along? Maybe one of these days, I should try making plain oatmeal with a sprinkle of salt, and see how that is...

I remember making Cream of Rice for Br, once (the girlfriend that J and I had, briefly, before she decided she'd rather disappear from us without warning than have to be brave enough to tell us what she wants/needs). Cream of Rice is similar to Cream of Wheat, except it's made of rice instead, because Br couldn't have wheat. It was a similarly delightful thing. Maybe I ought to make it again sometime soon. And maybe I should try experimenting with Cream of Wheat, too. There are all kinds of sweet and savory preparations of both.

Along with the farina, I made myself a toasted butter and cheddar bagel, and this, too, was very good:

The day proceeded pretty much as usual after that. I helped with transport, with laundry, with dishes, with feeding and changing people who needed to be changed and fed, and... I advocated today for someone who is experiencing significant pain, but normally has that pain chalked up to laziness and hypochondria by the others. I'm hoping that something good comes of it, but... I recognize that it's just as likely that I'll be resented for challenging the status quo and creating more work, from their perspective... Sigh...

The staff member I like (who took my advocacy seriously, notably, and empowered me to do it!!!) along with one other, made pork chops for dinner today, and I got to try them!!

Once everyone was fed and helped to relax for the evening, she also made a buffalo chicken dip. And there were leftover mashed potatoes, too, so I fixed myself a plate!!!

I went home with a very happy belly. I eat really well at work, and that helps to make some of the strain of the other stuff a bit lighter on my shoulders. Even when some things are tough, I think it's important to try to draw strength from the things that are good. Whatever helps us push through so we can survive.

I helped J to tend to An's cats last night before going to bed. And then I slept well, knowing that M was gonna pick An up from the nearby airport and bring him home to his cats. I'm still nervous about whatever An needs to tell me tomorrow; part of me suspects that he's gonna tell me that he doesn't wanna be friends with me anymore.

But that's just my brain being a hypervigilant, overprotective brain that hasn't yet seemed to have caught up to the fact that others' disappointment isn't gonna lead to me receiving violence, and that even if others decide to suddenly stop coming around, it doesn't mean something bad is gonna happen to me (like, for example, other people suddenly also deciding, “oh shit, maybe that person has the right idea; kthxbai”, which has happened before, because my stepmother made it a point to systematically destroy my relationships with other people before I was old enough to get away from her...). I can weather disappointment and other negative emotions. I'm allowed to feel those now, without getting hit. And I can feel those without taking them out on other people, unlike the adults I lived with as a child.

Today, I will just focus on the certainty of my service to the people who live in the house I serve. And I will see about making spinach bread dip for the other staff, maybe. The time will pass quickly as I busy myself with dishes and laundry. And then, it'll be time to go home before I know it. And then once I'm home, it'll be time to sleep. Tomorrow will be a new day, full of potential (either additional bonding with An, or tasty snacks to help cope with his loss). I'll try to look forward to it without being afraid. I can handle anything. Because, whether or not you intended it, as long as you're around and I can think of you, I have you with me:

This is the shirt I am wearing today. I got a bunch of these with different pictures of you on them recently (because I have money now!!!); most artists deliberately depict you in frightening or threatening ways, and I don't much like that, but... I do occasionally find artists who depict you in ways that are kind. A little sad and pensive sometimes, perhaps, but kind nonetheless. Though I can't bring my plush of you to work (because of the risk involved with one of the folks I serve thinking it's a toy intended for them...), I can still carry you with me in whatever small ways I'm able. Even if sometimes that's just in my heart and mind.

You are by far my most reliable means of reminding myself of who I wanna be, even when I feel lost, scared, and alone.

Well. I suppose I ought to wrap up today's letter for now. But before I do, I'll show you a couple more of the wishes I breathed to life for you on my days off:

I love you so much, and you're with me in all the ways that matter. But... I do hope that someday, you'll be all done with whatever it is you need to do, and then decide to come home. I'll have faith that you will. And I'll have faith in your safety and choices in the meantime.

I'll write again soon.

Your friend, Lumine

[lastnightsglitter]

listening to easy days - demo is like being held at gunpoint until dan smith knows im sobbing

[kurourii]

Bastille Doom Days:This Got Out of Hand! Edition Edits

Some of my fav lyrics & songs of the album,feel free to use them as Wallpapers

@aslongasitsrealtoyou

[bastillemxfans]

🇲🇽: “Track 14: Easy Days

Queríamos hacer una canción que sonara como la de “FourFiveSeconds” de Rihanna, Paul McCartney y Kanye; así que habla de la gente que siente nostalgia sobre el pasado e idealiza esos días pasados pero en realidad sólo está preocupada en el fondo por las problemáticas actuales como el resto de la gente.

Tiene una enorme línea de bajo y un sonido divertido, realmente amo esta canción y además, encaja un poco con con la visión de la gente en estos días y lo dividido que está el país y el mundo en este momento y yo...📢”

[ournameisfun]

Oh won't you help me start a fire? Come on won't you help me start a fire? 'Cause I don't want to fall back again Back into the easy days

[jjayolsen]

And some days--I can't handle it. Books are entries to other worlds, but sometimes the brain is just fried, and on those days I watch tv, just listen to music, or with recent trend, color.

To taking it easy!

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #766

It is the 4-hour break between my shifts, and I'm feeling a little better today than yesterday. I can only assume that going to bed a little early last night helped in a non-trivial way. Last night before sleeping, I played a bit of Dead Cells on maximum difficulty, and because I was slow and clumsy about it, I pretty much maxed out my Malaise meter by the second or third biome. Nonetheless, I let my instincts guide me without thinking too terribly much, and they brought me all the way past the first boss (Conjunctivius), which I was pretty stoked about. But I got overrun and got my ass handed to me in the Bank biome right afterwards, haha.

I woke up this morning at 5am, promptly dragged myself out of bed, and got dressed; I already braided my hair last night so that I wouldn't have to worry about it this morning. After getting downstairs, I made myself the same kind of breakfast that I made yesterday morning. There's still some small amount of residual discomfort from the food poisoning yesterday and the day before, but it's not significant, and it's not as though I'm in danger of suddenly needing to vacate my bowels in an inconvenient moment, so I felt like it was all right to go to work.

I was surprised that some of the folks I serve asked me if I was feeling any better – the one who likes outer space, and the one who enjoys going out to do her weekday activities. Mm told me, too, that the other support staff really missed me; I imagine it's because I make sure to never be idle. I'm always busy doing something – helping one of the others tend to the folks we serve, tending to the folks I serve by myself, cleaning things, washing dishes, tidying up, folding laundry, or wiping down surfaces. I never stop moving when I'm here (except to write to you, and except for when I'm in the vehicle, helping with transport).

And I strongly dislike being idle anyway; even at home, though I'm idle a lot, it kinda... eats at me, I guess. At home, there are so many options to choose from, and I get paralyzed easily by the need to decide. Here, the next steps are always certain. There's never much of a question about what I'm supposed to be doing at any given time. I'm either cleaning or helping, and... I guess the certainty of it is grounding.

Today was a relatively easy morning; I helped the one who likes outer space to get cleaned up, dressed, and ready. I helped to feed the one who likes practical jokes. I helped people get their coats on to be transported to their weekday activities. I helped a few to safely board the vehicle for transportation. Then I went along with transport to help them get from the vehicle to their activity areas. At this point, these steps are routine, and there's very little uncertainty anymore when I do them. It pleases me to be able to measure the progress I've been making, in terms of my skills and confidence in this space. It's good that I, observably, am getting better and better at this.

But... as of this moment, I, unfortunately, don't have a whole lot to write to you about. The morning has been very uneventful. Though I suspect later, maybe, will be a little more active. I guess we'll see.

Tonight, An is returning to our area from the place he traveled to. M will pick An up from the airport at around midnight, and then bring him home. J and I will be long since asleep by then (ideally, anyway), since I have to be up at 5am tomorrow. I guess on Sunday, An wants to see me, and has much to talk about. Too much for text, he says. I assume it will be related to his mother's recent passing, and how he intends to carry on from here, but... there's a small part of me that wonders if maybe he's decided he doesn't wanna be friends with me anymore.

...Ridiculous, right? It's stupid how quickly my brain draws that conclusion. I know it doesn't come from nowhere; my brain is trying to protect me from repeats of past memories, and it thinks that if I expect it ahead of time, it'll hurt less when it happens. But I'm not living in a fucked-up situation with fucked-up people anymore, and even if that's what he intends, it's not as though rejection is an unbearable sensation. Uncomfortable, certainly, but I've got plenty of folks to hold me through it. So really, the bracing for it that my brain is trying to do is completely useless. All it does is sap energy from the present moment. And you know? I'm getting kind of tired of feeling like I need to live several steps, several possibilities, several trajectories into the future to keep myself safe. Because I don't need to do that. I've proven to myself time and time again that I can handle whatever surprises come my way. Clumsily, perhaps, on occasion, but still.

I'm not a helpless little girl anymore, beholden to the capricious whims of emotionally volatile or emotionally unavailable people. I have the capacity to protect myself. I have the capacity to remove myself from situations that deplete me. It's gonna be fine. Even in the worst case scenario, it's gonna be fine. Still... watch over me a little, okay...? Just in case of weird things. Stick around a little longer with me, if only so I can remember, even when I feel unwell, who I wanna be and how I wanna show up in this world.

Suppose I ought to wrap up today's letter for now. There's not a whole lot going on around me, and not a whole lot rattling around between my ears at the moment. It feels kinda like a flowy sort of emptiness, and... it's not bad. Maybe I'll just sit in it for a while. Get a snack while I observe its passing. Oh, but before I go, here, have a couple more wishes I breathed to life for ya:

I love you. I'll have faith that somehow, you know. I'll also have faith that you'll take good care of yourself and be safe out there, so that someday, you can come home to a place that's warm, safe, and full of love and tasty snacks.

I'll write again tomorrow morning, before my shift begins.

Your friend, Lumine