#ecosyncrasy

[ecosyncrasy]

tumblr introduced me to iNaturalist and my photos are now riddled with picture of every somewhat interesting plant i can find. i’m utterly obsessed.

[ecosyncrasy]

on that note im absolutely desperate to find other thirty somethings that are starting an undergrad degree to follow.

bonus points for biology/ecology/environmental science and/or queer.

[ecosyncrasy]

i am a chapter and a half into Braiding Sweetgrass (Robin Wall Kimmerer) and i have already teared up twice. i can already feel it changing my brain chemistry and how to not only visualize my own relationship with nature but society as a whole. right off the cuff it gently dismantles the status quo in a way that opens you up to learn.

i would LOVE to attend one of Kimmerer's lectures one day.

definitely can understand why this book is recommended so strongly for naturalists, ecologists, and even nature based spiritual practice. only about 4% in and i feel like anyone living on turtle island should read this book.

[ecosyncrasy]

was almost late to work because i saw a whole little world growing inside of a tree. slowly taking over the guts of a massive old growth maple(?).

[ecosyncrasy]

august 12

Things are coming together!! LIFE is coming together. Starting up Chemistry next month (and I'm beyond excited). The second last course before I tackle the final boss of calculus (but I'm still feeling pretty confident because I've been preparing in the downtime). Getting better at the weekly torture session (driving lessons) and will spend the fall and winter prepping our house to be sold.

I don't think I've ever felt so positive and optimistic about the future. I'm in a good place with good people who share goals and solid plans for the months and years ahead. I've been able to 'level up' and gain a lot of ground from where I started this year, and I can confidently say I'm proud of my own life progress for once. In these past few months, for the first time, I actually feel like an adult. I feel whole. With passions and dreams that make me feel incredible because of the drive it has given me. I feel like I've found my place in the world.

I'm so fucking excited.

[ecosyncrasy]

i am now the proud owner of a 10 gallon tank. i cannot wait to eventually plant and stock it properly.

look at me already falling into the biologist with a fish tank club 🤣

[ecosyncrasy]

october 7th ;

spent some more time on the trail today by myself without the dogs. occasionally ( maybe a bit more than occasionally ) spamming my partner with photos and updates from the trek. i do adore it, this trail in particular is a feast for the eyes. so many moody corridors through the old growth that look appropriately mysterious and inviting. Practically beckoning you with every curve. i would say i observed a fair amount if fauna and flora— but i think i was far more observed by them. more than a few squirrels were telling me off as i disturbed their scurrying to gather supplies for the winter ahead.

[ecosyncrasy]

I've been watching a lot of longer form content today about studying in preparation for my university prep courses. I've attempted going for a degree many times over across a variety of different subjects and always ran out of steam halfway through the first year. I used to laugh off explaining this to people as me simply being a bad fit for academia and that I was content simply 'knowing a little about a lot'.

However, now in my thirties – making the choice to go back there was something in this video I was watching about study habits that made it click why this time is actually different. Why I feel so strongly that this time I have a chance.

I made so many excuses during my twenties about why I was simply okay with how things ended up because I had internalized that I was completely powerless to change things. I was disassociating so hard the fact that I found myself in a long term abusive relationship where I was isolated from all my family and irl friends. (and the ones I had online had NO idea what I was going through offline because subconsciously I was so embarrassed to even talk about it or admit I was struggling with anything). I had nothing but a job that I was killing myself to excel at because “lol gifted kid burnout is just like that”. There wasn't any possibility of me being on the spectrum or having ADHD because my parents said those are simply not real or excuses. After all, I was making honours lists and was getting 90s up until the family unit started to fall apart (Grade 11).

Yet even in the final months of high school – I had no idea what I wanted to do. I only knew that my parents expected me to go to university. In fact my whole life up to that moment the entire family was gearing up to brag about all the degrees I was just BOUND to get – while being entirely divorced from my academic life. (My father and extended family only cared about achievements. My mother was stressed from being in a shitty marriage and assumed I didn't need any help because my younger brother was struggling so much with even the academic basics.) That by the time I needed to apply I just picked my top subject (English Literature), and picked schools based on where my high school friends were going. Especially since my parents officially separated (messily) the summer before (Hi shitty summer of 2009) I was due to go to uni, in retrospect I was already in a tailspin. I was just clinging onto anything remotely familiar.

I wish so badly that I had someone then to shake me and tell me not to rush off into university on whims that were not my own.

Predictably. I spent the most of that year in a depressive state. I barely attended classes. Spent most of my time in bed. I crashed and burned horrifically, and ended up having my final conversation with my father around this time who's only support was calling me an 'idiot' when I told him I was depressed and considering dropping out.

My subsequent attempts at different things in an online university setting from 20-25 ... were not much better. I ran away from my family situation after the loss of my grandmother who had pretty much raised me when my parents were both consumed with work. Into the arms of a much older guy who definitely never deserved my time. Then all my attempts at school were in hindsight more running away but I was flailing. Picking anything that sounded interesting. Trying to discover who I was in an environment that was not suited to discover ANYTHING. Devouring and excelling in the first half of the classes but not having the confidence to even attempt any sort of exams or meaningful evaluation. Because god – having any sort of needs or support isn't how I get people to love me. If I couldn't do it 100000% by myself – it wasn't worth doing.

And in the end I wasn't chasing a passion. I didn't really see myself in any of those positions. I wasn't allowing myself to go after anything I really wanted because – that doesn't pay the bills. How could I let myself go into debt if I didn't stand a chance of making it back right out of school. I was still basing every choice I was making based on what others wanted out of me (prestige, money, etc).

I didn't, as this video so aptly put – I didn't have the end goal in mind. I was only thinking of the next day – maybe the next month.

I'm in a much better place now. A better relationship that has allowed me space and room to grow. To challenge my old ways of thinking. I'm in a place and have a good relationship with my mother that I am starting (still struggling) to work on being myself. Getting in touch with the things I love. I stumbled into a job (working at a commercial pet store of all things) that rekindled a passion from childhood that's given me a drive I haven't had before.

All these things, coupled with the fact that I've been watching my life pass by in the most unfulfilling way has unlocked memories of begging to go on walks down forest trails. Crying over and hugging trees as a kindergartner that were marked to be cut down to make room for parking. Mourning the loss of a property out in the wilderness for one closer to the city. Leading a gaggle of first graders to make pseudo-science observations of local birds during recess. Devouring hours and hours of nature documentaries wanting to be the ones doing that for a job (but thought I wasn't smart enough or that it was somehow beyond my reach). Craving nature based spirituality. A life long passion for animal welfare, rescue and rights that I buried in a professional sense after I found out that veterinary medicine would have killed me.

Something has clicked this time and it has filled me with such a thirst for success that hasn't existed for me before.

For me the answer is now clear. It's always been Biology. Ecology. Conservation. Fighting for the rights of people and the planet. Every career quiz I've ever taken has told me I craved a calling that would serve a higher purpose. That could help people and be a force of change in the world. More and more as I look down the gun of what is going to be a great challenge, more things unlock in my mind telling me that I am suited for this. This is my purpose – and it feels right. It just took me three decades to understand and feel confident about that understanding.

Even now, I can't remember the last time I've sat down and reflected about any of this. It's the first time I've felt compelled to write about my experiences in a raw and unflinching way. I think that says something.

For the first time I crave the struggle to make my life better. And now pathways are opening up as I discover myself and I'm so excited for the future.