I found my little finger lacing through his curls as sleep began to distance from me, playing with his soft hair and gazing over the features of his face, his little freckles and blemishes. He truly was phenomenal to look at, unlike anyone I’d seen before. I liked just being able to take the time and just admire him as he slept, trying to ignore the events of the evening previous and how awful his dream had been.
Eventually, I untangled myself from him, proud of my work once I was completely out of bed and he was still slumbering away none the wiser. I tiptoed out of his room, happy that after one day with his family I was no longer nervous. I wasn’t hiding or cringing, I just walked out of there, not worrying about being on my own around his mum or dad.
I could hear that someone was in the kitchen as I slowly made my way downstairs, still a little dozy and in desperate need of a coffee, but I knew I’d have to survive off tea. I was hoping to drag Harry to a café somewhere at some point during the day just so I could get my fill.
I wandered into the kitchen, happy to see Harry’s mother there. I really liked his dad too, but he wasn’t quite as chatty as Janine was. We were probably never going to run out of things to say.
She was sat on the kitchen counter as the kettle boiled, her little legs dangling over the edge as she smiled to me.
“Morning.” I greeted.
“Good morning.” She returned. “How did you sleep?”
“Yeah, great, thank you.”
She gave me a knowing look as she dropped to her feet, one that simply said, I know you didn’t have an easy sleep. You don’t need to lie to me.
She grabbed two cups from the cupboard as my throat got tighter, watching her every move, waiting for her to say something. It was different at my parents house. It was so big, I knew the likeliness of them hearing Harry was extremely thin. They also weren’t expecting to hear screams, they weren’t waiting for his noises, they weren’t going to stir easily.
Harry’s parents room was right next to his. They must have heard everything, they must have been waiting to hear him, just listening out for noises, sleeping uneasily the entire time.
The thought made me feel sick.
“Is he okay?” She asked, not looking at me.
“Um… He’s… He’s struggling.” I swallowed. “But… he’s strong, isn’t he? He copes with it all really well.”
She nodded, but she seemed unconvinced. But, maybe that was down to the fact that I sounded entirely unconvincing. Harry did handle everything incredibly well, I knew if I went through what he did that I would just completely fall apart. But seeing him in that state, especially the night before, made it hard for me to stand there and tell her that her son was perfectly fine. He wasn’t. He wasn’t fine at all.
“They started when he was at uni.” She told me. “By the time he came back to visit, they were in full force. He told us about them, straight away, but he made us promise we wouldn’t try to help. He made us promise we wouldn’t try to wake him up.”
“Why would he do that?” I thought I could feel my heart ache.
“Because the boy is fundamentally good.” She seemed a little relieved when the kettle clicked. “He couldn’t stand the thought of us being a part of it. He doesn’t want anyone to see him like that, Florence. You must be special.”
In that moment, I kind of hated that I was lying to her. I wasn’t special to Harry, I was only there to help them see he wasn’t lonely, that he was happy and they didn’t need to worry about him. I hated that she genuinely thought I was special to him. All she wanted was for him to be happy, really happy, and I was realising that I was part of a lie that was trying to convince her that he was.
He wasn’t. Not entirely anyway.
He wasn’t okay, and I wasn’t special to him.
“So, you’ve never… seen… I mean… You never tried to wake him?”
“He made us promise.” She sighed. “I don’t want to break his trust. So… we never did. We always just… endured it. I can’t explain what that’s like… being able to hear my child screaming and knowing there’s absolutely nothing I can do to help him.”
I felt like crying. I felt like having one of my breakdowns. I couldn’t even imagine the feeling, the countless times where they must have lay awake just having to suffer his cries, just having to deal with it. They didn’t want to go against his wishes, so they just tolerated it. It must have been truly awful. On my first night with him, I felt an overwhelming need to wake him and comfort him. That was me, a girl who barely knew him, a girl there pretending to be his girlfriend and pretending to have all these swelling feelings, and I felt a pulling need to take care of him.
I couldn’t even begin to know the feeling his mother and father had hearing their son screaming.
It hurt me, I couldn’t imagine how much it hurt them.
“I want to be there to help him all the time.” I sighed, and I meant it. “I want to be there until they stop. I know he’ll find the reason behind them, and I want to be there to help him all the way through. He’ll get there soon, I know it, I can feel it. I just… I want to help in any way I can.”
She still hadn’t picked up the kettle. I could see her hands shaking, I could see that she was trying to hold back tears. I didn’t know how to comfort her, I didn’t know what to say, because it wasn’t just down to the fact she couldn’t comfort him when she heard him screaming in the night, she knew there was something deeply wrong with her son, something completely out of their control.
“He must be so tired.” She gripped at the counter. “I just don’t know how we can help him. He’s my baby and…”
She lost herself, a tear slipping from her eye and landing on the granite.
Without even thinking what I was doing I’d thrown my arms around her, holding the woman into my body as she sobbed over my shoulder. The lack of answers, the uncertainty, was starting to eat away at all of us, the fact we couldn’t even see a solution to Harry’s problem.
There were a few things we could point the finger at, maybe his dads cancer, his uncle who I’d heard very little about and already despised, maybe the fact his mum and dad bothered him over his companions, maybe his old blue room. There were a few things that you could easily point towards, but anything obvious would have already been discussed with his therapist, and they hadn’t reached any kind of conclusion.
The dreams were something that Harry didn’t know about. They were there because something had happened, either in real life or deep within the coves of his mind, that he couldn’t recall, or figure out. Harry had no leads, no starting point. It was lovely that Harry had such a wonderful life, but fuck, it would have been helpful if there was something that could guide us.
“He’s really strong.” I hushed, comforting her. “He’s doing so well, I promise you. We’ll find a way to stop them. We will. I’ll help him find a way.”
I think she needed that comfort, because she probably didn’t get it from anywhere else. She couldn’t go to Harry, and Adam was going through the exact same thing she was. I was probably the first person to console her in that way.
Thankfully, by the time we heard Harry’s footsteps pattering down the stairs, she had calmed slightly. She pulled away from me, finally turning back to the kettle as he entered the kitchen, wiping over his tired eyes with the back of his hand.
I grabbed another mug from the cupboard.
“Good morning.” His voice was rough. “You making brews?”
“I will.” Janine tried to hide the quake in her voice. “I forgot I just… I need to make a call. I’ll do it in five.”
“I’ll sort them, don’t worry.” I smiled.
Acting as nonchalant as she physically could, she scurried round the corner towards the living room, needing another few minutes before she could face him.
Harry remained completely unaware, approaching me with his tight jeans on, and his torso bare.
“You sure you can make a good cup of tea?” He smirked as he neared me.
“Probably not,” I huffed. “But I’ll bloody try.”
He appeared behind me, and before I could even pick the kettle up, he grabbed at my waist, spinning me round quickly, keeping me backed up against the counter as he pressed the front of his body to mine.
“Harry!” I gasped.
He leaned his lips towards my ear, his fingers digging into my skin, pushing me so there was literally no way I could escape his grasp.
I lay my hands against his butterfly, closing my eyes and breathing in his tight vicinity.
“Last night.” He began, his voice low and whispered.
“Harry-”
“You were incredible.” He told me. “Last night was… one of the worst I’ve ever had, and you were so… amazing. I can’t even explain.”
He closed his eyes, leaving me a little breathless as he tried to control his emotions, still keeping me as close as possible. He moved to press his forehead against mine as my glistening eyes traced over his face, watching him intently.
“I probably crossed a line last night.” I whispered. “I’m sorry.”
“What for?”
“I just wanted to keep you still, and then when I kissed you I just-”
“Ren, you were perfect.” He stopped my gabbing. “Everything you did was perfect. Please don’t apologise. You were… You are amazing, Ren. I know things got intense last night and I’m sorry, but you need to be aware of how perfect you are. How perfectly you deal with everything. I… I couldn’t ask for anything more, from anyone.”
“Harry-”
“I’ll never be able to explain how much it helps. Thank you, Florence Daisy Valentine.”
“Don’t full name me!” I giggled, hitting his stomach.
“You truly are in your own league of human being.” He chuckled. “I’m glad I’m doing this with you.”
It was physically hurting to restrain my smile, shaking my head as I struggled to accept his words, my eyes fluttering shut as he moved a hand to my hair, twisting a few strands around his finger.
When I finally found the stamina to look back upwards, I spotted his mother over his shoulder, approaching us.
“Kiss me.” I whispered.
So he did. He thrust his lips to mine, closing the gap which was already much smaller than it needed to be, and kissed me sweetly, his mother tutting as she reached us, and clicked the kettle on again since I’d never gotten round to making brews.
“Behave.” She instructed.
“Sorry.” Harry grinned, licking his lips once he’d pulled away. “I struggle with restraint around this one.”
“Harry!” I gasped, pushing him away from me. “Don’t talk like that around your mother.”
“You should listen to your girlfriend, Harry.” His mother raised her brows. “You’re not the only one around here who has sex.”
“Don’t you dare!” He pointed at her, moving to sit on top of the dining table.
“I’m just saying. Me and your dad-”
“ALRIGHT! That’s enough. That is enough.”
I laughed as I moved towards the fridge to get the milk out, happy that my emotion filled morning was finally passing, because my emotions had been running high since I met Harry Styles.
But I wasn’t sure it was a bad thing.
40
“Are you taking me to your underage drinking spot?” I wiggled my brows.
“I’m not, actually.” He chuckled, a few steps ahead. “I will though.”
“Good! I took you to mine! You owe me.”
“I promise I’ll take you!” He looked back to me. “You’re so needy!”
“I am not!”
The evening before I had convinced myself that I was imagining snow falling from the sky, but it really was there. It wasn’t a thick layer, but it was a layer of snow nonetheless, and that somehow made me feel all warm inside. I also felt warm inside thanks to the coffee I was finally consuming, sipping it for the cardboard cup as we wandered through the countryside, towards wherever the hell Harry had decided to take me.
Wearing his mother’s wellies, which were definitely at least a size too small for me, I trudged behind him, wondering why there was such a spring in his steps. As far as I could see there was absolutely nothing to get excited for. There was grass, more grass, some snow, the occasional stone wall, and that was about it. He was lucky I trusted him, I wouldn’t just wander into some field in the middle of nowhere with bloody anyone.
Harry excitedly jumped over one of the stone walls, landing with a soft thud on the other side, and then popping his head up so he was visible again, a dopey grin on his face.
“You do not want me to jump over that wall?” I huffed, stopping ahead of it. “It goes up to my bloody shoulders.”
“Yeah but you can wedge your foot in the gaps.” He shrugged.
“Do you know me at all, Curls?” I groaned. “I will fall flat on my face.”
“You will not!” He cried. “I’ve literally been doing this since I was a toddler. C’mon!”
“I’m going to fall!”
“Well I’ll catch you!”
Harry looked adorable, his long curls poking out from under his beanie, a giant fluffy coat on and his teeth still on show as he smiled to me. I scowled at him as I hesitantly moved towards the wall, and I think that only made his smile grow.
It was always nice to see Harry happy. In the middle of the nights, witnessing his distress, it often became easy to forget how blissfully happy he was during the day. The seed of his pain would plant in my mind, but he would never let it grow. He would always be there to stint its development, with his giant smile and his infectious glee, reminding everyone that no matter how awful his night terrors were, they would never eclipse the true beauty of him, and it was phenomenal to see.
After a big exhale, I finally dug my foot between the stone, placing my coffee down and my hands on the top and elevating myself upwards, fearing the worst.
“Now what?” I quizzed.
“Swing your leg over.”
“You just jumped!”
“Alright, you can try jumping if you want.” He shrugged. “See how that works out for you.”
“I’m gunna swing my leg over.” I said, like it was my idea.
“Yeah, I thought you might.” He chuckled.
With a little squeal, I lifted my leg and threw it to the other side of the wall, straddling the stone before crying out.
“FUCK IT’S COLD ON MY ARSE!”
Harry was laughing like a fool as I rushed through the second part of the obstacle, but even though he was howling like an idiot, by the time I threw myself into his arms he still caught me with no issue, his arms wrapping around my waist and holding my body to his to keep me upright, and as my head landed against his chest I could literally feel his happiness against my skin, feel the joy shaking and pulsing through his chest.
Feeling that made me want to stay pressed against him forever, and without meaning to, I remained held to his structure, beaming with my cheek nestled against his chest, my hands under his coat and on his waist.
I closed my eyes as we enjoyed the moment together, Harry’s chuckles calming eventually.
I don’t know why we stayed that way, or why neither of us questioned or poked fun at our silence, the fact we were just holding one another like that. We just enjoyed it whilst it lasted.
“Ren?” He called for my attention.
“Mm?”
“You make me really fucking happy, you know that?”
“I do?” I questioned, holding even tighter.
“You do.”
“You actually make me miserable, I’m just a really good actress.” I sniggered.
“Fuck you!” He pulled away, shaking his head. “I try to be nice and you’re just always bloody sarcastic.”
“It’s an illness.” I giggled.
He winked at me before he set of walking again, my cheeks rosy thanks to the cold as I quickly picked up my coffee again, and then followed.
I was reminded of the first time I had seen the illusive magnetism that Harry possessed. After the group therapy session, when he had been assigned as our leader without ever meaning to be, we’d followed him into the night with excitement and our trust. I was starting to realise that I would follow Harry into any darkness, because that’s just something he could do to people. His aura felt like something you could dive into and swim in, and even drowning in it felt like heaven.
He only took a few more steps before he stopped himself, staring down the side of the wall we had just clambered over. I glanced up to him, trying to note the look on his face. He seemed almost reflective, somewhere between happy and sad.
I breathlessly stood waiting for him to explain himself, gazing up to the boy, seeing his throat bob.
“This is where I used to come and pick flowers with my dad.” He breathed eventually. “In the summer, they line all down this wall. I mean… I know it doesn’t look like much now but… I just wanted to show you.”
All I was looking at was a row of aligned rocks, and the light cover of snow that shielded everything around it, and yet somehow it still felt like an honour. Somewhere that held such a sacred place among his many memories was a place he wanted to show me, somewhere he wanted to welcome me. The place was almost alight with his memoirs, I could see the green in my mind, picture him plucking at the flowers that winter had destroyed. I could envision it perfectly, and it really did feel like a privilege to be there with him, especially since he hadn’t been there for so long.
“I wish I could see it in the summer.” I whispered.
“You will.” He spoke with confidence. “We’ll come back.”
“Okay. Good.”
“C’mon, let me show you something.”
Once more, I found Harry slotting his fingers between mine before he pulled me further down the wall, his large hand drowning mine as he impatiently pulled me towards our destination.
My stomach was in knots for something, and I was blaming it on the connotation of the place. Even with the snow, even when it had been so many years since Harry had been and picked flowers with this father, there was a palpable splendour sitting amongst the grass, gracing those fields. In my mind and in my heart the sun was shining, the flowers in bloom, and Harry was nothing but happy.
He came to an abrupt standstill, unlinking from me to crouch down ahead of the wall.
He brushed away some of the snow, and soon a lilac colour was revealed underneath.
I fell to my knees next to him, absolutely fascinated.
“What is it?” I gasped my question.
“Lavender.” He replied, the plants popping upwards slightly once he’d taken the weight off them. “They’re perennial.”
“They’re what?”
“They last all year, endure any weather.”
“That’s amazing!” I ogled. “I had no idea.”
Once enough were revealed to us, he reached down to their roots, grabbing as many as his fist could allow and pulling them from their place. He shook off some of the snowflakes, and I watched the whole thing with a twinkle in my eye. Harry had told me he liked flowers, but even with him having that little bit knowledge about lavender proved to me that his love for flowers ran quite deep. He had knowledge of flowers, he even knew the exact spot they were growing. Not only that, but I could see the look of admiration in his eyes as he stared up the stems.
He turned, and held the flowers out towards me.
“For you.”
I gently took them from his hands, lifting them to my nose for a moment and inhaling their scent, my lips cracking into a smile that was teeming with delight. I wasn’t sure I’d ever felt so happy.
“You’re making me feel all special.” I whispered.
“Good.” He sighed. “That’s my intention.”
41
Harry’s best friend was beautiful.
I mean, I wasn’t sure I was that hard to please really. Usually any boy with half a personality and all his organs still intact was enough for me, I wasn’t fussy, but he truly was exceptionally good looking.
“Liam, this is Ren.” Harry introduced us.
“The girlfriend you were so cryptic about.” He offered his hand. “Nice to meet you.”
“You too.”
Once my skin met his I was pretty sure my entire body turned red. I was surprised and also impressed that I didn’t just burst into a fit of giggles. He was adorable but it also looked like he could fucking ruin you if he wanted to, and that was a good look.
“I’m glad you came round!” Harry chirped. “We’re just about to do games night, you wanna stay?”
“Are we drinking?” Liam asked.
“MUM ARE WE DRINKING?”
“YES!” The woman cried from upstairs.
“Yes we’re drinking.”
“Then of course I’ll stay. Don’t I fuck up the team numbers?”
“We’ll figure it out.” Harry brushed off.
“OOOH, boys versus girls!” I grinned.
Harry turned to me with an amused, sceptical look scrunching his features, and I think that dubious look just fuelled me even more.
“You’ll be outnumbered.”
“Maybe by bodies, but by brains… well… you’re lacking on that front.”
“She’s funny” Liam chuckled, pointing at me. “Keep hold of her.”
He moved out of the kitchen towards the living room where our games night would take place, and I just stood giggling to myself and hiding my mouth behind my hand.
It only lasted a few seconds before Harry elbowed me.
“Ouch!” I cried. “What was that for?”
“Do you mind?” He wailed, relatively quiet.
“What have I done?”
“Blushing over my best mate like a damn fool!” He scalded. “You’re my girlfriend!”
“He’s really cute.” I teased.
“Yes, Florence Daisy Valentines, he’s a bloody dreamboat, but have you forgotten, again, that you’re here to be my girlfriend?”
“I may have let it slip my mind.” I exhaled. “He’s got those lil chubby cheeks and-”
“You’re a bad girlfriend.” He tut.
“Why don’t you break up with me then?” I stirred.
“Because I don’t bloody want to!”
I giggled again as I pinched at his waist, finally walking out of the kitchen and into the living room to join Liam and Adam who sat waiting whilst Harry prepared the drinks, and Janine remained upstairs searching through what games they had available.
I was glad that no matter what we ended up playing, we were going to find some way to turn it into a drinking game. It felt like we were due a night of peaceful sleep.
I had a lot of respect for Harry and the fact he didn’t let his drinking habit become completely out of hand. He worked with alcohol, and it had a very obvious soothing effect on him. He could have so easily developed a need for the liquor he consumed. Every time he drank enough, it saved him from an evening of horror, it protected him from a night of pain and screaming and torture. He had a strength that I couldn’t fathom, because I knew if I went through what he did, and knew there was a way I could escape it, I would use that escape no matter what the risks were.
Harry really was unbelievably resilient. I had found myself in awe of his power.
“WHAT DOES EVERYONE WANT TO DRINK?” Harry shouted from the kitchen.
“I’LL HAVE A BEER!” Liam yelled.
“MAKE THAT TWO!” Adam joined.
“WHATEVER YOU’RE HAVING!” I whelped.
The snow was coming down a little thicker and faster that night. It was crashing against the window violently, but as it hit the pane it was completely silent, unable to disturb us.
I felt so good. My happiness was this hurried energy that I could physically feel thrashing through my veins. I didn’t want to leave. I didn’t want to go back to the city, back to work and back to my reality.
Reality meant therapy.
Reality meant miserable midweek nights.
Reality meant sleeping alone.
Reality meant having my ‘breakup’ with Harry, and my parents questioning how the hell I’d let a boy like him slip through my fingers.
Reality meant admitting that in the long run, maybe this fake relationship wasn’t the best thing to do in an attempt to make my parents happy, because the bite of our breakup was going to be harsh. I thought I would be able to turn it around, to tell my parents we had parted ways for entirely sensible reasons, something that would make me look good in the long run, but Harry had been so damn perfect I wasn’t sure I’d be able to think of something that would suffice.
“OKAY OKAY!” Janine appeared with a mountain of boxes piled in her arms. “So we have Monopoly-”
“I plan on leaving at some point in the next twenty-four hours,” Liam groaned. “So I’m going to have to say no to Monopoly.”
“Oh, okay that’s fair.” She placed them all down on the low table in the centre of the room. “Scrabble?”
“YES, SCRABBLE!” Harry appeared, juggling four cans of beer.
“No! Not Scrabble!” Liam argued. “It’s boring.”
Harry didn’t say anything, but I could tell from the scowl on his face that he had taken that as a personal offence. I’m surprised he didn’t throw the beer in his face to be honest.
“Buckaroo?” She suggested next.
“YES!” Liam was happy with that one. “We have to!”
“Why does Liam get to decide?”
“Because he’s the guest!” She retorted.
“Ren’s a guest too!”
“Ren is your girlfriend, Harry, which basically makes her family, not a guest.”
“Also,” I raised my hand. “I would pick Buckaroo over Scrabble.”
I could literally see how offended Harry was by everything he’d heard in the past minute, his brows were screwed in the centre and his lips pouted, shaking his head at the lot of us. Even Harry’s grumpy face was absolutely adorable.
He moved to pass me the beer, but of course he had to press the freezing cold thing against my face like a fool rather than just giving it to me like a normal person.
“You bastard!” I huffed, grabbing it from his hand.
He leaned down and kissed me briefly, his attempts weakened by his enormous grin before he darted back into the kitchen.
“Mum, what do you want to drink?”
“Whatever, I don’t give a shit.” She wheezed. “Trivial Pursuit?”
“IS THAT TWISTER?” Liam leaned forward in his chair.
“Huh?”
“Tell me now, Janine, is that Twister?”
“It is.” She smiled.
“WE HAVE A WINNER!”
Harry appeared a few moments later with what appeared to be whiskey on the rocks for his mother as Liam leaped towards the Twister box and began unpacking.
As soon as Harry’s hands were free he advanced towards me once more, grabbing at my waist and pulling me close.
He cupped my jaw and moved his lips to my temple as I gripped at his patterned shirt, closing my eyes and letting my lips play the signs of my contentment.
“I can’t wait to see you attempt to do this.” He sniggered to my skin.
“When I fall, I’m taking you down with me.”
He continued to his rhythm of kisses against my skin until his lips had coiled round to my own, his hands moving to the back of my neck as he pulled my head closer to his and his plump lips engaged mine, leaving me flustered and bashful.
The happiness I was experiencing, the sheer, unconcealed elation, was something I wanted to feel for the rest of my life.
42
The alcohol I’d consumed was helping to shield the cold air somewhat as I stood in the back garden with Liam, who was sucking on his cigarette. The Styles family had all gotten a little emotional over their love for one another and were sharing a group hug in the kitchen, and even though earlier on in the evening they’d said I was part of the family, I was still very aware that I didn’t have a place in the embrace, so we had left them to it.
“You were extremely bad at Twister.” Liam noted.
“I was, wasn’t I?” I groaned. “It’s the whole game, man. Having to be coordinated and… the whole not falling over thing… It’s not for me.”
“How did you manage to break two glasses though?”
“Well they were on the table and then I slipped and… Basically, I shouldn’t be trusted around anything that can break, because I will break it.”
“Best be careful with my best mates heart then.” He raised his eyebrows.
I smiled down to the floor, knowing that Liam had nothing to worry about, since Harry’s heart wasn’t something I actually possessed. But it was good to know we were doing a good job of convincing people we really were together.
“Trust me, he’ll be fine.” I smirked.
“It’s weird.” Liam spoke between inhales. “I’ve never seen him like this before.”
“Never?”
“Never.” He confirmed. “Even down to the way he looks at you, Ren. It’s mad. There must be something about ya.”
“I don’t think so.”
“Well I know. I’ve known him for years and I know what he’s like. Just… be gentle with him, alright? Past those biceps he’s a delicate soul.”
“I know.” I heaved a sigh. “It’s one of my favourite things about him.”
My drunken mind quickly ran over the fact that I had lots of favourite things about Harry. His curls, his aura, his fancy shirts, his golden heart, his flat and his cat and the fact that he was wonderful down to his core. After being in his company nonstop I really had thought that I’d stumble across something that wasn’t good, something that wasn’t completely engrossing. Harry had stumbled across many of my shortcomings during our time together, but it seemed as though he was faultless. It was hard to start my favourite things about Harry list, because I wasn’t sure it would ever end.
“It’s nice to see him so happy.” Liam sighed. “He deserves it.”
“He does.” I nodded.
Harry did deserve someone who made him happy, truly happy, like in the way Liam thought I was making him. Harry deserved to fall in love and be with someone who could give him everything he warranted, someone who could help him and make him smile, someone who was just as perfect as he was.
“I’m gunna come visit him for a night out at some point in the New Year.” Liam added. “Will you be around?”
“Um… I… Yeah? I think so. I don’t know.”
“You don’t know?”
“No… Yeah… I’ll be there.”
He gave me an extremely puzzled look, and I couldn’t blame him. Myself and Harry knew we were going to remain friends, even past our arrangement, but Liam was expecting to see us together again as a couple, which wasn’t something he was going to get. I couldn’t guarantee that I would be there when Liam went to visit his best friend, because even though we wanted to remain in one another’s lives, it wouldn’t be how Liam expected it to be.
The situation had always been complicated, and ridiculous, but it was only just dawning on me that the aftermath of our faux affair would be just as complicated as the actual affair itself.
“Well then I’ll see you in the new year.” He concluded, with questions still curtailing his eyes.
“You will, promise.” I said firmly.
“I’m gunna have to go home.” He threw his cigarette on the floor. “I’m not sure I can hack another drink.”
“I need to sleep.” I yawned at the thought.
Liam had been just about to step back indoors until I said that, and it stopped him. He looked to me, seemingly grave over his next words.
“How’s he sleeping?”
I swallowed my sadness, trying once again to remain strong even though his dreams weakened me quite apparently, because I was the only person other than Harry who had seen the dreams, and people were intrigued and concerned over the wellbeing of their loved one.
“Still bad.” I mulled. “I… I do the best I can though.”
“And I love you for it, Ren. I’ve never seen them but… I’ve heard them. It can’t be easy.”
I shrugged, trying to abolish the solemn look on my face, because I was extremely aware that how the dreams affected me was the least of everyone’s worries, including my own.
“As long as I’m there for him, I don’t really care.”
He smiled, nodding his head to the floor and seemingly happy with my response.
He moved and gave me a quick peck on the cheek before he let himself back inside, out of the cold.
I followed swiftly behind, glad to be walking into happy faces.
“I’m going home!” Liam bid. “Thank you so, so much for having me, and feeding me all your beer.”
“Get home safe!” Adam demanded aggressively.
“I LOVE YOU ALL!” He yelled as he ran to the front door.
“BYE LIAM!” Harry waved.
It wasn’t long after Liam had left that we all retreated to our rooms. It must have been the early hours of the morning, but I couldn’t even remember the last time I’d checked the hour. I was so wrapped up in our games night, in all the wonderful people who surrounded me, it kind of felt like I hadn’t wanted it to end.
When I wandered into Harry’s room finally, I noticed that he’d found a vase, and placed the lavender atop the cabinet on my side of the bed.
Butterflies propelled around my stomach.
Once he’d closed his bedroom door, we began undressing in silence. I nearly tripped over myself as I bent down to retrieve his Joy Division t-shirt once again, but I managed to stay on my feet as Harry clambered back under his purple sheets in just his boxers, tucking himself in and completely snug by the time I joined him under the covers.
I’d barely been in for a second before his hands were on my waist, and he was dragging me so the front of my body was surged with his.
“Hey!” I giggled, pretending to fight his affections.
He didn’t even say anything, he didn’t need to, because he knew my resistance was completely fabricated. All he did was grin, his eyes closed as our legs tangled, and the tip of my nose met his.
We were quiet for a long time. I concentrated on his breathing, on the fact that even though he was totally relaxed and still, there was still a smile splaying his tender lips, totally subconscious and natural.
I placed my cold hands on his jaw, and continued to stare, refusing to welcome sleep.
After a while, he shot one eye open, scoping over my features.
“Ren, go to sleep.” He instructed.
“I am!”
“You’re trying to make sure I’m okay, aren’t you?”
“No.”
“Liar.”
“I just-”
“Ren, don’t worry, I’ve been drinking, it’s fine.” He closed his eyes once more. “Besides, I know you’re here. I’ve got you.”
“My eyes are here.” I hushed.
That was the first time I’d brought up the whole eye thing without it being amidst his waking after a dream, and mentioning it then, I thought we’d joke about it, I thought we would poke fun and laugh over it.
But we didn’t.
“Exactly.” He whispered. “They’re all I need. You’re all I need.”
Although I knew he’d been drinking, and I knew he’d be okay for the evening, I still watched him intently until I was sure he was fast asleep, that same smile still embracing his fat lips.
His lips, that for some reason, I decided to kiss before I drifted into my slumber.
