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ASH LYNX – MIND, BODY, AND SOUL

(tw: discussion/explicit mention of Ash Lynx's past as well as his eating disorder + spoilers for the entire show)

We all know that Ash Lynx disconnects from his body as a coping mechanism to deal with all of the abuse he’s suffered. He also does this in order to brace himself for any incoming violence that he sees coming, such as in prison when he knows that he can’t escape Marvin and his guys. He can even use this disconnect to utilize his body as a tool to seduce others despite sickening him to the core (and in my opinion, scenes in which this happens, are some of the most revolting in the entire show). Disconnecting from his own body has allowed Ash Lynx to survive, it is also however, part of what causes him to feel like an emotionless killing machine.

Ash talks about how his fingers pull on the trigger, how his hands wield the gun and kill people almost like a reflex, without feeling anything, how that makes him a monster and how scared he is of himself. It is obvious to us, that not only isn’t this true, but that he was trained to execute this violence, and was taught to repress any kind of feeling that came with it, which on top of all the violence he endured would be enough to numb someone superficially. Still, it’s really not just that. Ash has had to separate himself from his body in order to survive and not crumble under what it has gone through, and that disconnect has gone so far that his body acts like an entity of its own. He talks about his hands and how they pull the trigger as if it were not the one doing it. Instead, he sees himself kill without mercy almost as if from the outside, terrified of what his body is doing and who that makes him. We can see this not only in the way he talks, but in the several shots of Ash looking at his own hands with fury and disbelief, as if horrified and surprised they are his own. In his dreams, he appears with a knife in his hands, Eiji’s and Shorter’s corpses on the floor, and he screams when he realizes what he’s done, which only happens after he sees the blood on his own hands.

This disconnect, also makes sense in relation to his eating disorder (which is not talked about almost at all). He’s so disconnected from his body and what it needs, that he doesn’t eat enough, and when he does, his body disconnected from his mind, rejects it, causing him to develop anorexia. Of course, his eating disorder is very much intertwined with the abuse he’s suffered, what others do with his body has been completely out of his control for years, food is one of the only things he can control, so restricting himself of it is a mechanism as well. The context in which his anorexia worsens is obviously key, as it is when he return to Dino, and is forced not only to relive his worst trauma, but also to do atrocious things working for Dino and his political schemes. However, I do believe his eating disorder was present before this, as he brags to Eiji about his weight not changing since he was much younger, he mainly eats salads (Eiji even jokingly remarking how strange it is that he doesn’t like burgers) and he jokingly tells Max he doesn’t want to get “fat”, all subtle indications that subconsciously he’s controlling his body and diet to a certain extent. It is with Dino however, that his body completely shuts down, as even Ash expresses that he’s not starving as a form of rebellion or on purpose, he instead genuinely can't consume anything.

So, throughout the show we can see much of how Ash disconnects from his body both consciously and unconsciously in order to survive, however we also see him reconnect with it: when he’s with Eiji. If we’re talking about food, we can see when Eiji prepares him soup, and Ash remarks that food hadn’t tasted that good in months, or when they go out for hotdogs together, or when Eiji makes sure he eats even the things he doesn’t like. This is one of the ways Eiji helps Ash reconnect with his body, but there are others. One, is the simple act of touch. Eiji hugs Ash a lot, and we can see Ash’s progress as he slowly becomes more accustomed to it, hesitant at first, as if his body is unsure how to respond, to hugging him back, to pulling him close, to crying on his lap and letting him run his fingers through his hair. Through gentleness Eiji shows Ash a form of touch that doesn’t come from violence, and his body begins to adjust as well.

This is partly terrifying for Ash, is what makes him let out so many repressed emotions of guilt, because now that he’s reconnecting with his body and his self, he’s also confronted with the crimes he’s committed with it. Ash can only be his true, normal, 17 year old boy self around Eiji, because his body leaves that state of constant vigilance and resistance and just eases into the rest of him, allowing him to be undivided for once. However, it also because of this new-found ease, that his body begins to recollect everything that has happened, causing Ash to have more nightmares, waking up in cold sweat and crying out for his mother, thing which didn’t happen when he slept around his gang members. It is because of this, that Ash can’t hold it in any longer when he breaks down in front of Eiji as he recounts the first time he was raped, which contains a lot of specific details about how his body felt, about how terrified he was and how he couldn’t seem to find his voice. Curiously, right before he breaks down Ash makes a joke about having to eat Eiji’s food, which I don’t think is coincidental. It’s just as Eiji is joking that Ash’s health is in good hands that Ash breaks down and lies on his lap sobbing as everything catches onto him. It is then all the more heartbreaking when Ash continues to cry and talk about how emotionless he is, the paradox of his words paired with his tears incredibly painful to watch.

Even with all of this, I think Ash is grateful and his body greatly relieved. He’s eating better, he feels loves, and it’s the first time he feels comfortable in his body around someone since he knows Eiji would never harm him. We can see this verbalized by him the most in 2 conversations with Blanca. The first is when he begs him not to kill Eiji, and then goes one to express how “lucky” he is for having found someone like him, and how it’s the “best feeling in the world”. The fact that he considers himself even remotely lucky is extremely painful to hear, but also demonstrates how much genuine love has changed Ash’s mind and body to the point of being able to smile so fondly, and be “happy”, despite the pain it may also bring. The second conversation with Blanca, is his almost-confession about his feelings for Eiji (or that’s how I personally like to interpret it). In it, he quite literally says that Eiji’s “kindness and warmth” “ran through (his) body”, and once again, I don’t think that’s a coincidence. Eiji’s touch mended his body and heart so that they didn’t have to be in constant battle with one another, making him in Ash’s words “complete”.

Sadly, as in many tragedies, this healing and warmth is what will eventually lead him to his death, just like Blanca and Yut Lung said it would. When Ash is running to the airport, his body is exactly where his mind is: in finding Eiji and being with him, that’s what matters. So, with his body acting like that of the 17-year-old boy he is, not detached from his self or looking for danger, he doesn’t see Lao coming. He doesn’t realize what is happening until he feels the pain in his chest and looks down in surprise to see the knife. Then, quickly, with the same certainty with which he knows he’s been stabbed, he knows he can’t go with Eiji, that if he does, he’ll only bring danger with him. He comes to terms with all the love he feels for him, but also with all the blood he has shed, and he knows he’s a leopard in the mountains who can’t turn back. So, he goes to the library where he reads Eiji’s letter, which essentially confirms to him that Eiji felt the same way and that what happened was real, it was not waste. He feels all that love and warmth one final time and decides to accept death as it comes, he doesn’t seek it, but he doesn’t run. So, he lays down in a place he loves, feeling loved, and his body and mind are truly reunited to form the “soul” that Eiji is now forever intertwined with.