I have something to tell you. It’s something that I’ve been to terrified to say, to admit, for years. I still am now; it’s why I’m writing you this letter.
I don’t mean in the way we always say it. That light hearted ‘love you’ that comes at goodbyes or during hard times, the one that says “I’m your best friend and I love you platonically like that” and “I couldn’t live without your friendship” that we always say. I don’t mean “I love you” as a… friend.
You are my best friend and have been for years and years, but you’re so much more too. You know me like no one else and have always lifted me up and supported me, made me smile and laugh and made the world a brighter place for me. You’ve listened to my stupid rants and let me nerd out over the most ridiculous stuff without any judgement. You’ve looked after me when I was sick or feeling low. You’ve stuck with me through all my worst decisions, even the ones you blatantly told me were bad and I still ignored you, especially my bad dating ones (seriously, the amount of times you could have given up hope on me and didn’t is astounding). You’ve stood by me and stood up for me when I thought no one would. You’ve made me feel like I have worth every single fucking day. You’ve done all of that and more. Because that’s what close friends, best friends, like us do. And I hope that I’ve done the same for you, because fuck Frankie, you deserve all that and more.
I suppose, reading that back, all of those things are what made me fall for you. All of that and the fact that you are kind and funny, good natured, mostly patient, loving, gentle, strong and just a good person (no matter how many days you think that you aren’t good, I promise you that you are). Plus you’re insanely gorgeous and have the most amazing smile and can pull off scruff with messy hair like no one else. I love your body too, you know, it’s just perfect in the way you look and the way we fit together when we cuddle and how comfy you are to lie on obnoxiously on our movie nights.
This is getting away from me, but I think we both knew it would, when it comes to talking about you it’s nearly impossible for me to shut up lmao.
Bottom line, Francisco, I love you. Both as your friend and as so much more than your friend. And I have done for years. I love all of you, every little part, including the ones you don’t really like about yourself.
Who am I kidding, you probably already knew. I know I’m about as subtle as a car crash when it comes to my feelings. And if that’s the case then… I know you probably don’t think of me the same way. And even though the thought of that scares me more than anything, please know that it’s okay. I promise that if you say you don’t feel the same we can go right back to the way everything was before, nothing will change.
I just had to say something now even if it’s so fucking difficult, while I’m feeling brave and a little strong, or I know I’d regret not saying anything for the rest of my life. And I know you’ll be proud of me for that.
I hope you find this and read it quickly, because we both know the anticipation of hearing from you will be killing me. But no matter what, I know I’ll see you soon.
With love (both platonic and not so platonic),
I had no idea you felt this way. That you've loved me all this time too. I can still remember the first time I saw you in that tiny corner café, smiling as you read your book. I made it a habit of only getting my coffee there. And I'm so glad I got the courage to finally buy you a cup of tea one day. I felt a little strange just reaching from behind you to thrust my card forward at the barista, but I had to know you. And I'm so glad I did.
Of course, I was starting to wonder if I did more harm than good. It would have been easier to want you from a distance instead of having to swallow my feelings every moment we were together. Every "I love you" hurt and healed me at the same time. That sounds crazy, but I meant I love loved you... Or, uhh. I told myself every time that it was a confession of my love (I really do sound insane, sorry 😅).
Anyway, there's no telling you how much you help me, El. How much just having a kind spirit like you in my life keeps me going every day. That beautiful smile that pushes any bad thought from my head. Your skin, so smooth. Your hand fits perfectly in mine. The way you jump in my lap when we watch scary movies and laugh at yourself. That fucking laugh... It's the most beautiful sound in the world. And honestly, you're chocolate chip cookies are God's greatest gift to the world (after you, obviously).
I can't thank you enough for this letter. For having the fucking courage to say something where I couldn't. But God, I love you. I'm so in love with you. I've always known you fit me well. In mind, spirit, and body. The way your curves meld to mine when I hold you... I've always wondered if our lips will fit together the same way. I really wanna know now. More than anything.
Fair warning: I feel like once I start kissing you, I'm never gonna stop. I hope you're game for that. Te amo, mi diosa hermosa. Ahorita y siempre.
