Entry 05: November 13, 2022
Why the heck not? The flags are listed by order by the way.
The two versions of the progress flag had been subject to scrutiny due to people thinking that these designs look cluttered. Frankly, I agree, BUT I began to prefer them over the plain rainbow flag due to the type of infighting I have seen in the community.
I've seen so many transphobes and anti-intersex rhetoric even amongst other LGBT+, so I think the progress flags communicate my stance better.
Agender, Neutrois, Abinary, Nonbinary, Genderqueer, Xenogender (specifically Monstergender & Eldrigender), Agirl
I primarily refer to myself as agender/genderless due to this being the most accurate simplified sum of my gender identity; however, beyond the lack, how my genderlessness feels specifically is more complex.
The neutrois identity pretty much describes how I feel neutral towards my lack of gender. Neutrality and nonexistence pretty much blur to me. Being an abinary nonbinary emphasizes how my gender identity isn't strictly male or female and how it isn't within the spectrum between male and female at all. Genderqueer appears to be a much older term that's very similar to nonbinary, but I understand why not everyone may desire to use it, because of having a slur in its name. I personally love reclaiming slurs, so this descriptor is something I fully identify with.
I also consider myself as xenogender and xenic-aligned. In its most metaphorical sense, I experience my genderless identity in a way that makes me feel like my human body is only a vessel or form that's like clothing rather than something innately me. Gender envy manifests as wanting the ability to shapeshift. Gender euphoria comes when I represent myself as a monster. It's everchanging in shape and desired expression, but the sense of gender is continuously absent still. I don't think people will understand what bodily forms I actually want access to and how I view my living body. Basically, the absence of my gender is replaced by a sense of inhumanity (monstergender), and I can never really know why so and maybe fully understanding it is impossible and headache inducing (eldrigender) seeing as how I can relate so many words to a simple sense of nothing.
For now, I have the body of a woman. I don't hate this body. It just feels like one of many forms. I like expressing femininity but still feel heavily disconnected to womanhood but indifferent to it most of the time. Having a perceived manhood makes me feel heavily dysphoric. I suppose this makes me an agirl.
That said, just because I'm an agirl doesn't mean I will tolerate being maliciously misgendered. My indifference comes from disconnect, a laziness to explain my identity in most circumstances, knowing that not everyone I meet knows who I am, and seeing words as gender expression rather than actually gendered depending on the context of use. I am feminine and not a woman. Transphobes better not play dumb, because context can be observed, and I will know if you impose me as the latter rather than as the former.
Femininity and womanhood are not the same. Femboys/Rosboys are still men even when they are feminine. My femininity doesn't stop me from being agender.
Aspec Bisexual/Biflux (Demiromantic Graysexual)
I think the funniest part about my sexual and romantic orientation is that I actually debated with myself, going back and forth with identifying as bisexual and aromantic asexual. It turns out that both are technically correct terms as I'm in the aroace spectrum. 99% of the time, I am aroace, but slightly more so on the aro part. I don't really recall feeling romantic attraction towards someone other than my current boyfriend. He's my first genuine crush and I was 18 by that time. I never felt the same for anyone before or after and I'm 20 now. He's also the only person other than my mother that I feel immense emotional attachment to. As for sexual attraction, I have very rare but insignificantly weak ones where I don't recall the specifics. I guess that makes me demiromantic graysexual. The bisexual/biflux end is that in the very rare occasion that I do feel sexual attraction, my preferences tend to fluctuate.
I can feel happy in both monogamous and polyamorous arrangements. Although, I may appear functionally monogamous to some due to my very rare interest in others. I do have to say that I feel a lot more comfortable with dating a polyamorous person. I just saw too many people sucking at monogamy that I'd rather my partner tell me they date multiple people than lie to me about being "the only one" and then cheat on me.
