Almost 4 months on T and the ADHD and autism seem to be breaking out in its full glory. Well, I embrace it, as it helps me with getting rid of supressing my whole identity and neurodivergent needs.
I have read that adhd and asd can become more visible in women in menopause - increased testosterone levels... somehow gender-affirming HRT (ftm) could be similar. And when looking at the recent months, yes, for me it is very noticable.
I remember my first puberty, when it started at 12 yo, I was like somehow really odd in the brain - impulsive outbreaks of random thought gibberish, occassional screaming of dumb words that I could not stop saying/screaming, or making disturbing noises. Or talking gibberish endlessly, and deeply indulging in my special interests of theoretical fuckery. And observing people and social interaction just to try to understand the people around me. And trying to translate what people say in my own "language", which is, some sort of math, just to get a glimpse of what they are attempting to convey in their words.
I witnessed a large decrease of depression in the recent months, but also a slight increase in anxiety, mainly induced by increased sensory sensitivity and a far worse working memory.
Somehow T helps me - directly (via the biochemical alterations that also happen in the brain) as well as indirectly (via feeling more secure due to feeling more authentic, and also overcoming the fear of rejection when not heavily masking my neurodivergent self) - interestingly, it also helps me with dealing with my emotions. Before T they were far too intense, that I either shut them off entirely or became very moody. now they have a level where I can feel them in a healthy manner - not detached from them nor supressed, but somehow, more real and managable. In a sense, I am becoming more mature emotionally, as well as far more rational and logical.
And a lot of it makes me feel like being a 13 year old scatter-brained hyperactive boy who acts like an alien potato among humans - and who does not even understand his own silly associations.... ohh endless theoretical bullshittery...
But executive dysfunction sucks! The simpelst - especially practical - tasks are the most difficult for me - especially if they are extremely underchallenging and repetitive - repetition does not bother me if it's mentally challenging and stimulating enough. But for things where you need motor skills I entirely lack - it's like, really my body is a biological spaceship, and navigating it is disastrously exhausting! (Fine motor skills with a slight need of force - ends in maximal destruction!) (Dyspraxia is also getting more noticable.)
And my trains of thought disperse in literally all directions until they decay into brainy quantum foam dough. (What a hell of association?)