Hi, my name is Rebecca. I am a university student, a chocolate salesperson, a volunteer and a single mom. The role that I have always taken the most joy in is that of a mother. I have two amazing sons. They have always been my primary career. Mothering has been my vocation I suppose.
Last summer I launched my first born out in to the world. Not just to the next city, or somewhere a few hours drive away; but to Calgary Alberta. A four-hour flight from our Ontario home. Why so far away one might ask? What does Alberta offer that Ontario doesn’t? Well, my son is a speed skater. A pretty good one. He was invited to join the National Training Program. Of course, I encouraged him. What good mother doesn’t support her kid’s dreams? He was also accepted to the University of Calgary’s science program (smart kid too). We made all the preparations. We found him a beautiful off campus home, shipped his belongings out west on a Greyhound bus and flew out to meet them.
I spent five days with him in Calgary, doing all the things that parents do when they leave their kids at university, and we found some time for a “last” adventure to the mountains. It was amazing. I knew with every fiber of my being that he would love life out west.
I cried the whole flight home. I didn’t for one second doubt the rightness of our decision. I didn’t worry that he would starve or forget to do laundry or get lost on campus. He would do what he always does…. study hard and train hard. What I didn’t expect and was in no way ready for was the physical ache in my gut. It’s still there. I’ve just gotten better at burying it deep underneath the frenetic pace of my every day life.
Why am I still feeling such grief at times? I’m so happy and proud. He has accomplished everything I thought he would and then some, but I miss him. Hard. I miss tripping on his size 14 Jordan’s by the front door and never having any food in the fridge despite grocery shopping nearly every day. The time when my son needed me is over. His childhood is over.
I lead a full and joyful life. I have self care and wellness time. I spend lots of time with my younger son and my boyfriend. Am I doing this wrong?
I’ve heard all about empty nest syndrome, but I thought it was for people launching their last child. When I look at social media everyone seems to be reveling in their newfound freedom. Hopefully I can get to that place before I launch my next son in five years!
