#endlessblabbering

[madamepurr]

21215 PT2

So I did exactly what I've been trying not to do for months. I just wanted to, I wanted to see what he'd say or how he'd react. The first response was intoxicating. I felt like I'd just shot up or something. I was walking around saying I hate my life but somehow still felt good. It only went down hill from there. He's a really selfish, uncaring person. I see that now, and how desperate I was then. I mean, he asks me nothing about myself, how my day is or what I've been up to. Because he doesnt care, because he's never cared. This is all just so fucking frustrating and I want it to all go away. I want to have never met him, never felt loved by him, felt like he gave a fuck, felt like I understood him better than anyone ever could, felt like If I just got closer it would all work out because its fucking NOT. Im not closer, and it wouldnt work out. He is a pipe dream, a mistake. A lie. He is so less than what I deserve. On paper he's exactly what I 'want'. But in action he's nothing I want. But I still cant shake him. Please just make it go away, make him go away.

[madamepurr]

13115

Whoa, 2 months and 18 days exactly until my ass will be living in the smelly, beautiful chaotic New York City. I'm still pinching myself. Shhhh, dont tell anyone in real life because no one knows yet. Im too much of a wimp to tell people who may get upset and because Im afraid something will go wrong and I wont go and then those people will throw it in my face. Im so broke, saving for this is so rough. So worth it though, so so worth it. Please let me meet an amazing person who loves to cuddle and eat chinese food when Im there. Thanks universe. Toodles.

[madamepurr]

1115

Will someone just drop their life and come play guitar for me for the rest of forever. It makes me so happy. I can pay you in weed and pancakes but mostly pancakes. I’m willing to negotiate. Inbox me 👍💗💗👌

[madamepurr]

92814

11:13pm I just feel like a piece of shit tonight. I can't sleep, I've no cigarettes to smoke and no one to ease my self inflicted misery. I just wish I wasn't a liar, I wish it wasn't all a bunch of bullshit. Letting you disappear, I don't know if I could handle that. Right now, it's like I just care about you from a distance. But see, that's the issue. It will always be from a distance. God dammit. This sucks so fucking much and I have no one to blame but myself. Fuck.

[madamepurr]

91714

What the fuck am I doing and why don’t you love me.

[madamepurr]

Sigh.

I wish I could turn off thinking about you. Almost like a machine. That's a machine I'd sell on eBay for sure. At this point thoughts of you haunt me now, like the ghost of someone you wish you'd never see again. You remind me of how not okay or perfect or put together I am. How I'm not good enough for you and probably never will be. How much better you are in every single way. Why can't I be better? Why can't I be what you want and need? I'm so weak. Just let me turn this off, let me turn you off and never turn you back on.

[madamepurr]

Cigarettes, bubble baths and nailzzzz for the rest of tonight. Sprinkle some good music on that too. Keep me company and kik me? Madamepurr

[madamepurr]

3.21.14

So my interview went horrible yesterday, atleast when it comes to my standards. I feel just like a piece of shit basically. Trapped here, unable to get the fuck away from this town. In other news I had a strange dream followed by one where my best friend and I were getting drunksies with the lads from Modern Baseball which was actually nice. Thanks for that slight pick me up brain.