#enm problems

[violetsoblue]

Oops…

I accidentally signed up for a swinger party 😂 I’m bringing a friend because I didn’t know that arriving solo is an invitation for trouble. And while I usually go looking for trouble, this is not the kind of trouble I want. We’ve both talked about it and we might bail early and just grab dinner somewhere and catch up instead. We’re definitely going to be the odd couple out — both younger, very liberal, not white. But it is St. Patrick’s Day theme and I love a party theme. So, I’ll make an appearance at the least. But probably the last (and only) time I hang with this group.

(Note to self: if you see “lifestyle” party - it means swinger. No one told me that). 😑

[figs-and-cigs]

Ok, what is it with these men?

My dating profile says I'm polyamorous and ethically non-monogamous. When we start chatting I tell them I'm Polyam/ENM and have a primary partner and a few other partners. When we go on a date, I remind them of my Polyam/ENM status.

After a few dates, maybe a couple weeks of chatting - they act like I'm going to dump all my other partners for them! They suddenly aren't comfortable with the fact I live with (and am married to) another man. They can't imagine "sharing me." (Even if I were monogamous my life isn't going to revolve around you! I'm not an object to be fucking shared!)

They play the pity card of, "I'll wait for you!" Or they turn it around and call me a slut 😂 (as if that's a bad thing). And then they're shocked, SHOCKED, that I break up with them!

And it's not just single men! It's also the "open marriage" men. It's the sneaky unicorn hunting men. It's the, "I've been Polyam for 15 years, and believe in OPP because I want a harem," men.

Get away from me with that unethical bs!

[violetsoblue]

RANT: Bots & fake profiles are such a fucking waste of time. At the very least, ask original questions, okay? All my hobbies are already listed on my profile (not here). And I’m very fond of reverse image search and will find out if your images are stolen.

[violetsoblue]

What I’m finding, after spending time with many sex-positive enm/cnm, polyamorous and swinger types of folks is that self awareness is sorely lacking in the real world.

From jealousy to lack of integrity to flat out cheaters - I should say I’m surprised but that’s probably more my naivety in expecting others to have done the work that I’ve already done. (In fact, they have not done hardly any work).

I’ve had a “friend” break up with me after apparent jealousy that her friends were flirting with me or asking me out on dates (it fully reeks of insecurity, but what do I know). Then a guy broke up with me, out of the blue, only for me to discover a few weeks later that he was actually already fucking a friend of mine and he was also cheating on his spouse! (I had texted him a photo of me and said friend — he did not know we knew each other. He ghosted her. And I don’t mind sharing with my friend — but I don’t tolerate cheaters. I guess he knew the gig was up when he realized we knew of each other. 😂

I am learning more and more about myself though and so these are all lessons learned. Know yourselves folks! Speak up when your boundaries are being crossed. Own your shit. Don’t tolerate what doesn’t work for you.

[violetsoblue]

Some lessons I’ve learned about myself in November:

1. I don’t treat people as disposable. But I do match energy and mirror their behavior right back at them.

2. Dating apps are exhausting. I deleted them off my phone. It was too overwhelming trying to sort through and the way they work really treats trying to match with anyone like a game. Thus, I am a pawn. And I don’t play that way.

3. I have terrible impulse control 😂

4. I’m a size queen apparently 🤭

5. Making out at munches is top tier. 10/10 highly recommend.

[violetsoblue]

When one of your matches on a dating app looks like a mutual. And I had to DM said mutual to make sure it wasn’t him. 😂😬

[violetsoblue]

Things I learned about being on dating apps this weekend:

1. They automatically change your location if you’re traveling. I did not realize this.

2. There’s a lot of horny on main the further south I traveled. 😂

3. Some fellas will even follow you around on different apps (that was actually a little creepy, even though he was hot).

[violetsoblue]

Rant:

Why are so many fellas trying to match with me if they’re not poly/enm? 🤦🏻‍♀️ I don’t want to be a guinea pig for you to experiment with and I’m not down to be your teacher if you’ve never been in this kind of relationship. The E in ENM is especially important to me! If you can’t be ethical with your other partners, I don’t want anything to do with you.

- end rant