#eteme

[handslikeheartache]

When i was younger, a list of things that made me angry was full of bulletpointed concepts:

-school lunches

-American education system

-small/fake pockets in girls jeans

-sexism in clothing

-whatever i was become as a human being

-Armen from Bio

Now, it’s a list of names.

-you

-you

-Trump

-you

-you

-you

-you

-you

-that one fucker

-you

[handslikeheartache]

Dec 23, 2017

You say you won’t choose sides, but not choosing sides is, in fact, choosing a side. I’ve paid enough attention this year to know that not choosing a side could mean choosing the side of the oppressor. It’s how rapists go free, when the entire court has gaslighted their victim into self doubt.

It’s easy to say something as ignorant as “I’m not choosing sides,” when nothing’s happened to you. You’re just a bored juror who would rather be anywhere but here.

What’s scary is you saying “I’m not choosing sides, but if i had to i wouldn’t choose yours. Just because you asked.” She set my house on fire and all I ask is you take away her matches. Instead you shrug and hand her your lighter. It wasn’t your house that burned down.

The truth is I’m not asking you to take sides. Im asking if you’ll comfort me when i leave the room he’s in because I’m not ready to face him. Or will you lock me in a hallway full of their smiling faces because it wasn’t your heartbroken loneliness at 2am who’s hands were just out of reach of being capable of fixing anything.

You say you don’t choose sides because you’re stubborn and it makes you uncomfortable, but you being on good speaking terms with someone who felt so comfortable disrespecting me makes me uncomfortable.

The thing is, you do choose sides.

You just don’t choose mine.

[handslikeheartache]

I often get the feeling I've lived much longer than I've intended. I feel like maybe I've cheated death at some point and I'm trying to figure out how to make up for it. And also I need friends.

[handslikeheartache]

The things I say to myself sound like half finished sentences, but I mean them as they are; whole. I say to myself, surprised, "Oh, I love," because it helps to remind myself that yes, I can and will and do love. I say, "I am soft," and it sounds like the simplest realization. One must understand that everything I am is meant to be considered tough and jagged edged and filled with acid. But I am none of those things, even when I want to be. I am none of those things especially when I don't want to be. I am soft. I say, "I am valid," and this is by far the most difficult thing I tell myself. Sometimes saying this feels like lying, which is valid. Sometimes the only one who finds this important to say is me, which is what matters most. The things I say to myself aren't easy, but they are almost constant. It's the most comforting I've been to myself in a very long time, and it's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. "I love. I am soft. I am valid."

Reminders

[handslikeheartache]

Last night we got drunk on cheap champagne and sat in the park at that special time of night where everything exists in grayscale. We talked about our shitty childhood grades and our shitty parents’ parenting and how we just want to be okay now. We figured I’m the yin to your yang, the casual dark to your purposeful light. We admitted we’ve been trying not to say we’re in love and instead of admitting it still we kissed instead. We decided we’re allowed to take this slow. I don’t usually say this, but we’ve got so much time to take this slow.

Thoughts Pt. 2

[handslikeheartache]

What if I get ripped apart by hands that aren’t mine? What if I’m not the one feeding myself to the wolves? What if I’m feeding myself to you? I don’t mean to leave you starving. And you’re asking for more. And your bites never kill. What if all I taste is lavender and rosemary? And this city-stuck witch wants to sew up our wounds. Bury me in mud until I blossom. And the house burns down. And the smoke doesn’t kill. So I lay there, chewed apart and choking. I don’t want to leave you. And there’s nothing left of me to feed you. And there’s no more house for me to burn. All I’m left with is your taste, like flower and herb.

they want me to starve you.

[handslikeheartache]

Here, in your bed, cuddling a kitten and keeping warm after our showers, I think “this is why people decide to fall in love.” I think, “You make this seem so easy.” I think “I want to tell someone how I’m feeling right now.” I think “I need someone to listen to me fall apart for a second and stay there to witness me put myself back together again.” I think “I might have got it right this time.” I think I might have got it right.

Thoughts Pt. 1

[x-grae-x]

May 17, 2017

Dear 15 year old me who vowed to never again date another Gemini male, or a Pisces just on principle, Honey I have some NEWS for you...