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mar. 10

it's monday, so there's that. made it to another week! i have a lot to process. i haven't caught up with myself in that sense. the latter half of february got so weird, so fast. i've been embracing being a newgen, though, which is great. i love listening to emo songs everyone knows and realizing yeah these guys were onto something! i got to listen to tastemaker by bby goyard, which was decent. definitely a different direction than what i was expecting from him, but i can appreciate the attempt to try. i'll do a seraphtunes write up about it.

i've started drawing again. i've been doing graphic design since forever. it's one of my favorite hobbies. i realized, when applying to colleges back in september and october, that my portfolio is pretty lackluster. colleges expect diverse portfolios: sketches, studies, forms. i had, like, two complete pieces and hella graphics. i was worried that since a lot of my design works were for the same thing, that it would fall flat. but it didn't, and i got into my top school. it sucks that i couldn't really celebrate, because i know i can't accept the offer. it just isn't ideal to stay in america right now. i'm a superminority, i fear. they gon' get me... but of course, it's not like i can't come back. if things are fine a few years down the line, i can reapply. that school has a doctorate in design, and i'd like to teach the major eventually, so having a phd would be sick.

i just lost a close friend. irl moots i know you're SICK of me talking about this. get well soon i'm still grieving and therefore will still be talking about it. there's a seraphblogs post from the beginning of february that almost makes me think i'm naive. but i know now that i truly have every reason to be enraged. i lost a friend because their partner is an obsessive coward that can't get over the fact that i didn't want them. i'm realizing the true extent of how far people will go to hurt others. there is an evil in their partner that cannot be fixed. i do not ever want to know what it takes to be that dark hearted. i chose the high road last night, deciding against embarrassing them on every public platform i have. i hate being angry because i feel like it relinquishes my control.

my daily affirmation is: get over yourself. i have to remind myself of this throughout the day and into the night. i spent my latest check on clothes. most anticipating the i'llstopstabbingwhenyoustopscreaming chiodos zip up. i'm cool and pseudo-intellectual with all my weird outfits and accessories but i genuinely be going insane internally. my outfits are high effort but i rarely feel like putting in that effort. i do it for myself, but i'm just burnt out by everything. i just can't be bothered 6 days out of the week. truly the consequences of taking shit on the chin. i'm good at it because it's all i do but one day i'm gonna stop being the bigger person and i fear literally everyone will hate me. i'm really into curating my appearance and vibe on the internet. i'm starting to pass really well, seems like. guess it really is a mindset thing. i also basically got integrated into the black scene scene (lol) that exists on instagram. i don't know why i keep ending up in scene spaces i don't go here guys. love those freaks though.

i'm looking for another job. i love my coworkers, at least the ones that remain after everyone started to leave. finding out that one of my coworkers is nonbinary was so funny. i should've known—cis people don't listen to ecco2k AND sniper2004. they know the evilgiane lore. i found out from them that the reason our store manager left is because he highkey wasn't doing his job. apparently all of us are missing money bcs he wasn't putting in our hrs, and we also failed two inventories (technically not his fault people just steal like crazy). i liked my store manager a lot, but fucking with my money is cray. however, him leaving the store was basically a self sacrifice. if he hadn't, especially since the district manager is coming in the summer, district can come in at any time and fire all of us. it gets wild.

today, i look forward to watching a film with @/miotxro after classes on tuesday. i'll cook something nice if i feel up for it, or take it on the chin and have pork (my family ordered the most tanzphobic pizza. wdym pepperoni and bacon i Cannot Eat That) even though i don't want it. i'm going to draw and maybe clean when i get home. honestly, i just want to eat and take a 6hr nap. i feel uneasy about the week ahead.