The skies wallowed and felt their grey feelings and let the world below them know.
Their tears fell and their anguish was felt with each powerful swirling wind, picking up the leaves and throwing them in every direction.
Last night with Pat we were talking about the universe and our existential anguish. We had fun at outfest, a blast actually, the confetti and glitter flying, the people laughing and loving unapologetically.
It was a beautiful thing to witness. And yet, on the train ride home, I looked out the window to see the tracks, poles, and stations fly by, thinking of the smiles and the genuine drunken and sober joy and thinking about how essentially,
Everyone is going to die.
That’s just the fact. We’re here on this earth living our memories and enjoying the time and, we’re all gonna disappear. Each and every one of us. And we have to be okay with it, we have to accept it, we have no choice.
We each try to find someone to love or some meaning to dedicate our lives too because, being a blessing and a curse, it’ll all be gone.
So, with tears streaming down our eyes me and her just spoke about our thoughts and feelings about death as my purple lights twinkled until we fell asleep.
So, when I woke up and the sky was doing its’ thing. I couldn’t help but allow myself to go into my blank state of mind to get everything off my checklist done.
Pushing away the emotions I didn’t want to confront because knowing that if I did I would just be in bed in a ball as Bon Iver sang his sorrow until it was time to sleep again. So being in my last class, I was going through the motions and then she told us to push our chairs back, to sit at the edge of the seat with our backs straight, shoulders relaxed, head slightly tilted but upright as if there was a string pulling at us from the top, hands gently relaxed on our knees or legs, and she told us all to inhale.
To feel the air, fill up our lungs and the feel of our body with each breath. I’ve meditated before so this was nothing new. She then realized that time was running out and that it was time to end class and for us to go, so with each breath she told us to think about whatever thoughts came our way, that for the rest of the day that with whatever happens, with whatever thoughts, to just feel them. To not push them away and to not ignore them but to feel them in their entirety and to relish in the emotion and to write about it later for our own personal …benefit? Use? Memory? Idk.
So, when I left class I put on my bon Iver station on Pandora and I started walking down the stairs and I tried to see what I was feeling, my music feels were stopped by Billy who called me to ask when I was going to dinner, I told him I had work later so to just meet me at the corner of 20th and Olney.
So here I am standing. And,
The skies were still grey, but not as dark as this morning, the sun felt brighter as if it wanted to break through the thick clouds but it wasn’t bright enough to make anyone feel its rays. The birds were chirping and there was this one particular one that kept doing spins in the sky and opening its wings at the last second before touching the ground and if birds could smile this one would be.
It was chirping and twirling and, I see a blue sweater.
My automatic response was to push the feelings away and to think of anything that wasn’t him. I turned away from the blue sweater and looked down at my phone and began to scroll aimlessly trying to distract myself.
And then Dr. Regan’s words came into my mind, let yourself feel.
So, I took a deep breath, and I looked up, he already walked past me, heading home maybe, I only ever see his back anymore. Bon Ivers soft cries were playing in my ear and as he rounded the corner he looked in my direction, twice. It could’ve been for a million other reasons and yet my heart wanted to believe that it was to look at me.
Without hesitation my eyes filled up with tears and they slowly began to fall, & just then I see Chris walking up to me and he notices the tears and asks what’s wrong and I laugh and wipe them away and just as fast as they came they were put back away. No time for that.
But thinking about it now, why do I still cry? Was it the song evoking emotions of sadness within me? Was it the memory of what we were? Of what we could’ve been? Of what we’re not? None of those thoughts came to mind when the tears fell. Looking at him look back as he walked away just made me, feel. But feel what? I don’t want to over analyze and it’s honestly been so long that I don’t have time to try and figure it out. But in that moment, of just allowing myself to feel? I don’t know, I just felt like I was losing something all over again. Weird.
