#exogeiny

[multiverse-sya]

I view my level of sapience as something completely inhuman, rather than something inherently human, unlike the majority of orthohumans. But my focus on sapience makes me not feel like a therian at all, even if I have some feline instincts from who knows where, and despite my nonhuman phantom limbs of having digitigrade, clawed limbs.

And the older I get, the more focused I am on gaining back the knowledge I believe I forgot, through memories and noemata. So, being knowledgeable and having a lot of memories of things to fall back on gives me some species euphoria. Especially since I feel like I lost some of my intelligence being here. And the thought of losing even more knowledge and intelligence scares me.

(As a disclaimer, I know that intelligence is a very hard thing to measure and that there are different types of intelligence, but please bear with me. I am aware it's not a black and white sort of thing, where either something has intelligence or it does not.) Even though there are some things I intuitively understand as a concept, there are still things my brain has trouble understanding, primarily with things involving numbers. And it makes me feel dysphoric.

I feel feral sometimes, but after thinking more about it, I now believe it's in more of an intelligent non-'animal' nonhuman, way. I suppose "alien" would fit the word well for others to understand what I mean. I think this is the major reason that I just don't feel like a therian anymore. I don't vibe with having unrestrained instincts, especially with instincts that do not include having a high level of sapience.

There's also the fact that animality is a social construct. Humans are objectively animals and fall under the kingdom animalia, but in society, they don't think of themselves as animals, and being called an animal often implies thoughtlessness and sheer instinct.

Coming from a species of arrogant aliens, I am trying really hard not to fall under that stereotype and am checking each sentence twice to make sure that it doesn't come across as rude or arrogant, because that is never my intention, especially when I'm talking about my own personal experiences that have solely to do with me and my existence in this place. I'd argue that even my species physically count as animals too, in the same way a sapient creature with certain traits that would fall under 'animal.' An autotrophic animal, but still an animal, even though different planets have different evolutionary pathways. I do sometimes joke around and call them plants, but nah, we aren't, really.

And speaking of evolution, there's so much that I can say about the theme of evolution in relation to my source right now and how it directly connects to my species, but I won't. Because it would go off topic and I would go off in a tanget. But if you already know, you know.

[multiverse-sya]

It would seem my hunger translates to "my skin crawls and it requires sunlight to get the feeling to stop." It's similar when I'm thirsty, I find myself very aware that my skin is dry, and what I feel in my throat is also felt on my arms. It's not pain or anything, just a sensation. And I highly doubt anyone else experiences this.

What do I even call this? Is it a physical experience? Is it my synthaesia? How is my brain doing this?

[multiverse-sya]

This is either placebo or just a simple coincidence. Either way its funny to me. I was feeling abnormally sleepy in the evening and these past few days. I'm assuming it was because of my sleep schedule and lack of sunlight.

So then I go, "ok. Hmm. What if I put the green led light on to emulate the artificial light made conditions I grew up with on my low light birth planet?"

And it worked. Lol.

[multiverse-sya]

I'm not someone who really cares about labels, and I often ignore them until it comes to explaining things to other people. But I was looking at the term 'terrorpunk' and asked myself if my experiences would fit under that label. I realized that it does, because the fear I have of being misunderstood if people found the truth about me is also something that can partially traced back from my source, in the 'spooky alien with sharp claws that uses dark energy and can turn invisible' way. And it's directly tied to my cultural identity and experiences from source.

I already wrote about it on my dreamwidth so I will post what I wrote over to here, (while changing and adding a few things):

Growing up, the ways of my particular alien culture were always in the back of my mind, even before I knew about them. I sometimes wondered why spooky and dark things were considered evil. Long story short, there was a lot of stigma about us in the other cultures of my species and because of that, we were feared, and to be hunted down.

I always felt like an outcast, and a heretic, even before I knew I was queer. I understand that not having friends growing up would have resulted in me feeling like an outcast. But why would I feel like an unholy heretic? Nothing would have caused me to feel this way. I had zero religious trauma growing up, yet I would always have the impression of being impure or unholy despite not being any of those things. I shouldn't have these experiences in the first place because nothing in my childhood would have caused these feelings of impurity and unholiness to emerge. When I first learned about this alien culture, I felt like I was witnessing a snapshot of my true culture. Where for the first time, I was really able to understand what it meant to belong to a culture and to a group of people. It even surpasses the connection I have to the specific human culture this body was raised in. I still identify with that culture, but it's to a lesser extent.

For example, I still felt like an outcast even within the confines of the human ethnic culture I was raised in. For privacy reasons, I won't disclose what this ethnicity is. But all I will say is that I'm not a US-American with no ties to any other culture outside this cursed country. My family are immigrants and I speak a second language. And even when I do talk with people who have the same exact background as me, I'm still very different from them and don't have much in common with them despite all of that. I have always felt like a dark, misunderstood being.  And although I do have diagnosed OCD, these feelings of unholiness aren't intrusive or obsessive thoughts. As someone who does still suffer from intrusive thoughts from time to time, these are not it. These feelings of unholiness feel more like the result of low self esteemed brought on by other people and then internalized. The situation is that I believe that the ones that caused me to internalize these feelings of being dark, evil and spooky are from a different lifetime.

[multiverse-sya]

Turns out the way I remember the spoken telepathic language is very strange and abnormal after asking people around about it. When I asked orthohumans, I got the strangest takes. So that fact immediately gives it away as something not experienced by them. It even differs from the way I remember verbal language, even though both use noise-sound components to it. Or at least something that can approximate that.

I would get a sudden word in my head, usually with a translation spontaneously. I may forget the word, but the second I write it down, it sticks. 0n average, I have a much, much easier time recalling these words than I do with learning human vocabulary. When I try to learn human vocabulary, it takes me a very long time for the word to catch on, and sometimes, I might forget it seconds after hearing it.

The simplest way I can describe the language itself, based on the way I recall it right now, is that the entire word is said all at once. Once you hear the start, the middle and ending of the word are also 'heard.'

For obvious reasons, I can't give exact examples. But the words function similarly to runes in concept.

[multiverse-sya]

I feel that I have been born with certain knowledge and instincts inside of my brain, in a way that science can't completely explain. There's such a huge gap between what humans know about neurology and the mind in the present day compared to the other sciences.

As I mentioned before, psychiatry and neurology are still in their dark ages, with scientists only able to hypothesize or guess how or why the brain does certain things, with no definite answer on a lot of phenomena.

(Cw for mentions of unreality and doubt)

But there is something going on with all of these glimpses of the future that I get a few times a month to a few times a year, combined with memories of my past. Memories I have no explanation for other than "it's just a quirky coincidence" to the general public.

There are so many questions I have, and all of the answers are unsatisfactory. How am I able to perceive and know things with so much accuracy? It's much higher than chance. How can certain uninheritable knowledge be in my brain if the brain is freshly made by birth, knowledge beyond the base blueprints? How much does my spirit influence my brain? Does it alter my neurology in any way and make it a wholly physical experience as well? Because if it's not my alien spirit reacting with my brain in such a way, what other honest and feasible explanation is there? (I know orthohumans can also be psychic like this, so I'm not saying this is some special alien thing that only I can do.)

All of the knowledge I have is already inside this physical brain. How can it be at this point? This brain isn't human. I feel like I'm trying to break through and tap into the knowledge that I used to have before coming here and forgetting. It's very important for me to do this because it can answer questions right now about my present and future in this life.

My OCD is an annoying onslaught of questioning and doubting. I doubt almost everything all the time because I want complete certainty. I question what I know and try to learn what I don't know, which can be a positive trait. But there are some things I just can't ever know because it's not a thing that can be empirically studied. Most people would say my experiences aren't actually happening and dismiss them completely, when I know with certainty that they are happening, and I have these things physically written or drawn before finding out what it was. I have so many receipts and references to fall back on. At first, I really did think they were just little coincidences, but with the experiences I've had for 25+ years consistently, they aren't.

But as I said in another post recently, no matter what I say, I don't think it will ever be enough for materialists and empiricists because it challenges their understanding of reality and they are afraid of asking these questions because it represents the unknown and unseeable. But if they went what I go through, they'd have the same questions that I do. And I do want to work with a rational framework that best fits my experiences.

I think the biggest mental block stopping me from getting memories as efficiently as I could be is my fear of being right. It's scarier to be right than it is to be wrong, as much as I don't actually want to be wrong. But if I'm wrong, I can just shrug it off as just a coincidence. But if I'm right, I can't do that, and that in itself opens up Pandora's box. And I'm a freak.

I relate with the famous quote, 'I think, therefore I am,' where the only thing the philosopher who wrote it can be certain of is that he has a mind that thinks and exists. I can be certain of that as well.

[multiverse-sya]

Idk how to explain this so I will do my best.

I was slowly falling asleep while listening to music. And I got maybe a cameoshift of gliding as a pterodactyl like creature near the water. The thing is that 1, I had solid phantom shifts and a vivid impression of actually soaring, but I don't actually feel like one, and it has no real or lasting impact on my identity. I don't really feel like I'm nostalgic for flying or have noemata about it, unlike the other experiences I have going on. I don't feel that I'm missing some long forgotten ability.

2, (and do I wish I was making this up), I lived on a planet with pterodactyl aliens. 🙃

And 3. I wonder if it's just some weird telepathic ability thing I did where silly old me looked into the eyes of such a creature and felt what it felt for a few seconds without actually becoming one. Because an ability like that does exist but there is only a one line description of what it does, and I don't know if it extends to their bodily kinesthetics as well or if it's all visual? It's not the first time I have wondered if I used such an ability before on other things. I thought about it before casually. And it's not like I can call a friend and ask them if this is actually part of the ability or if my mind is just grasping at straws, trying to make sense of this vivid glimpse. And once this sensation was over, I still felt certain phantom limbs, but they had to be cameos because I didn't identify them as actually part of me, or felt connected to them.

I would normally just ignore it as a half a second brain-fancy, but the vividness was weird, even if there was a disconnect between me and the actual creature. And I want to know the answer, but there's nothing more I can do to be more certain about it.

It makes me wonder how much of my feralness and animality was taken in and internalized by an ability like this and how much of it was just from watching nature documentaries as a little kid, or a combination of both. Maybe it's all due to the documentaries I'm just grasping at straws, even if the former is hypothetically possible, as I've just discussed with the pterodactyl situation.

[multiverse-sya]

Rip.

I *think* I'm feeling really sleepy because of the lack of sunlight and terrible eating habits. But then, of course, I'm fully awake in the middle of the night. I've been getting about 2 or 3 hours of dim sunlight a day most days this week. I probably need a lamp, unironically. The led lights help only a bit. And the weather is shit so I don't really look forward to getting out and walking.

I think stupid me forgot to take into account that this body STILL needs sunlight to function. But in my dysphoric induced annoyance, I told myself, "Nah. This dumb skin can't do photosynthesis anymore. Everything should be fine. I can just not care about how much light I'm getting, as long as I am eating something. The symptoms can't actually be that noticeable."

My vitamin d levels are probably so low right now, so they say otherwise. Especially since I don't think I've been getting any vitamin d from what I was eating. I'm taking supplements now.

It feels that my alterhumanity stuff and my physiological issues are one and the same. One impacts the other in a loop. I think ignoring some of my shifts and instincts is partly what got me into this mess in the first place. Despite how pretty visceral and literal my exogeiny stuff is, because no one else can see it, I sometimes take it for granted. And i do need a medical check-up anyway.