#exogeiny bs

[multiverse-sya]

Some stuff on how I was before I really 'awakened':

I managed to catch up with an old friend and it made me realize a few things. It's funny how little things seem to have changed from my teenager years ~15 years ago, despite all of the breakthroughs that I went through since then with this state of being. I was good friends with someone at the time, before I knew anything about nonhumanity, kinity and the like. Despite it all, I'm some how the same person with the same personality, likes and dislikes as back then. Before I caught up with my old friend, I expected myself to be so completely aloof and different because of how differently I perceive myself now. Because now, I fully know and acknowledge that I'm an entity masquerading as a human. To my surprise, I don't behave that much differently since the time I was a teenager, despite all of these situations (excluding the current horrors of being an adult now-that one is new. I am much more tired with life now.)

Back then, I thought I was just a normal human, even though I've always had animalistic, feral tendencies. I felt like I wasn't human and despised being one, but I just ignored it. But fast forward to the present, and despite being so blindly oblivious to my sapient alien roots even when I was 15 years old, I still feel like the same exact person. Even if I didn't know I was just performing humanity as a disguised alien creature when I was a teenager because I completely forgot about it. I now have a completely different philosophical and spiritual understanding of the universe around me that differs from what I was taught in christian religion, and I do view human culture differently now than I used to before I entered my 20s, but I still treat the other humans I've already known back then the same way as I did before my awakening to this. I guess it's just that treat myself differently, even though I am always hiding it from others.

I used to feel like I was part of humanity. I thought there was no alternative to it (haha). It's in the same way an animal imprints on an adopted mother of a different species, despite never having been that species in the first place. And now I just feel nonhuman at all, because I feel like I am 'allowed' to do that and that it's possible to do so. I hated it when I was called a human back in my childhood, and was told that's the truth. I was just never content with that. I know for a fact that I would have called myself a cheetah therian back then, but now I believe it to be some sort of anteatype, and some sort of vague-heart type. I still see myself in them, without identifying or feeling like one. (I used to think I was a wolf therian, but that 'type is clearly an anteatype now. It's just completely gone.)

I know that the old discourse over whether or not you were 'valid' if you weren't born as your 'type is dumb and insignificant in day to day life. But when I look back in hindsight, a lot of my sapient alien instincts and memories were already there, they were just greatly overshadowed because I had no basis to really compare it to up until I actually looked into the source and did the research. The stylistic artwork of the media/source threw me off as well at first, so I never really considered being that species until I compared my phantom shifts to them and went, "Oh fuck."

I also experience the same sort of painful, nostalgic feelings for my old brethren from my other lifetime as I do with human friends from this lifetime. The same protectiveness, the same melancholy and sadness for not seeing them for so long, for one reason or another. I even felt this way towards kids my age that I didn't know well when I was very young, whenever I didn't know if I'd see them again, even if we met just once. Evidently, I still get it, but it was much worse in my first decade of life here. Exotrauma is a bitch. I lost many friends back then and will leave it at that.

Sometimes, I do wish to talk to my friends the same way I did back then. Like clasping a hand on a shoulder, heavy with respect, and calling them my brother, sister or friend. It's another interesting bleed over. I know alterhumans often talk about not being able to befriend humans. But despite being so very nonhuman, I'm able to befriend them just fine. I may not tell them about my exogeiny bullshit, but that's ok, even if I want to tell them sometimes. Maybe one day. Most of the people I befriend are orthohumans (or assumed to be one). The reason why I befriend so many is just because there's more of them out there in different spaces. And I only talk to one alterhuman on a regular daily basis. Yeah, it would be nice to have an alterhuman friend irl, but it is what it is.

[multiverse-sya]

It would seem my hunger translates to "my skin crawls and it requires sunlight to get the feeling to stop." It's similar when I'm thirsty, I find myself very aware that my skin is dry, and what I feel in my throat is also felt on my arms. It's not pain or anything, just a sensation. And I highly doubt anyone else experiences this.

What do I even call this? Is it a physical experience? Is it my synthaesia? How is my brain doing this?

[multiverse-sya]

Idk how to explain this so I will do my best.

I was slowly falling asleep while listening to music. And I got maybe a cameoshift of gliding as a pterodactyl like creature near the water. The thing is that 1, I had solid phantom shifts and a vivid impression of actually soaring, but I don't actually feel like one, and it has no real or lasting impact on my identity. I don't really feel like I'm nostalgic for flying or have noemata about it, unlike the other experiences I have going on. I don't feel that I'm missing some long forgotten ability.

2, (and do I wish I was making this up), I lived on a planet with pterodactyl aliens. 🙃

And 3. I wonder if it's just some weird telepathic ability thing I did where silly old me looked into the eyes of such a creature and felt what it felt for a few seconds without actually becoming one. Because an ability like that does exist but there is only a one line description of what it does, and I don't know if it extends to their bodily kinesthetics as well or if it's all visual? It's not the first time I have wondered if I used such an ability before on other things. I thought about it before casually. And it's not like I can call a friend and ask them if this is actually part of the ability or if my mind is just grasping at straws, trying to make sense of this vivid glimpse. And once this sensation was over, I still felt certain phantom limbs, but they had to be cameos because I didn't identify them as actually part of me, or felt connected to them.

I would normally just ignore it as a half a second brain-fancy, but the vividness was weird, even if there was a disconnect between me and the actual creature. And I want to know the answer, but there's nothing more I can do to be more certain about it.

It makes me wonder how much of my feralness and animality was taken in and internalized by an ability like this and how much of it was just from watching nature documentaries as a little kid, or a combination of both. Maybe it's all due to the documentaries I'm just grasping at straws, even if the former is hypothetically possible, as I've just discussed with the pterodactyl situation.

[multiverse-sya]

I was speaking to my grandfather yesterday and I realized that I am just unable to tell him that I'm an alien while I'm busy talking about astronomy and exobiology with a completely straight face. I was mourning the fact that I wanted to see an actual incomprehensible alien from space while completely glossing over the fact that I have a decent idea on how some of them might look like.

I won't go into exact specifics but my grandfather has actually spoken and met with famous astrophysicists in the past, and it's a field he's well versed in. I also remember having interesting conversations about astronomy since the time I was really young, so I find it really ironic how things turned out. I might have even watched a few of the Carl Sagan cassettes he had back then as well, I don't completely remember.

One conversation that I can remember to this day was when he was telling me that there's something about the world that I was still too young to know about. And obviously, I had to know what it was. I have to say that five year old me took it pretty well: that the world can end at really any moment. I don't remember my exact reaction but I believe it was something among the lines of, "ohhh. okay." I get now that he probably meant something like a meteor hitting earth, or a nearby star going supernova.

I genuinely can't look at this conversation without thinking about my prior life as a pr.oto.ss, who has seen and lived through world ending disasters. I had a very sober and calm response when he told me this, and I don't remember panicking at all when I heard it, as someone who was always prone to just flip off and panic. I just quietly accepted it.

I believe that I was an alien from the very start of life, but it wasn't something I was aware about until almost two full decades later. I considered telling my grandfather that I feel like an alien, (even without mentioning souls, past lives or any other spiritual experiences because I know he doesn't believe it,) and I just can't. As pragmatic and as science minded as I am, and as much as I can explain the philosophy behind this belief, most people wouldn't warrant a second thought or really think about what it is that I'm actually telling them. The best way I can tell someone is by saying that I feel like this metaphorically even though the truth is much deeper than that.

Anyway, I can't actually get over the actual irony of my situation with having a family member who was part of the astronomy community, who does believe that aliens exist, (they've just never visited earth before), actually ends up having a grandchild that turned out to be an alien. Woops.

[multiverse-sya]

I have to say this somewhere.

As more time passes, as more things are revealed to me, my doubt is completely vanishing.

Apparently my unconscious has been trying to remember something for 25 years and it's so consistent and weird. I don't know what to make of it. It might be because my stress is pretty high, but now I feel terrified.

I was trying to take a nap in the evening and a thought hit me. Idk wth I was doing in my past life but why is there a pattern with observing weddings and human rituals? Why is it so important?

I only connected the dots after I remembered something I experienced when I was around 5 years old, the morning after I attended my aunt's wedding. I don't know why I still remember the timing so clearly, but I recall seeing shooting stars falling from my room, as I was waking up. 2 decades later, I see the same thing in a game's cut scene.

And the time I fully discovered this part of me, and was coming to terms with it in my early 20s, I had a bit of a lucid dream of attending a wedding that night of my awakening, for a lack of a better word. I didn't think it meant anything, and wasn't thinking about the experience I had when I was 5 at all. I've only recalled it years after that point and decided that it looked really similar to what I saw, as an after thought. Then a sudden thought popped in my head today about seeing human weddings as an alien??? Then my brain immediately connected dots that spanned my entire life.

I'm freaking out. There's no way my brain is randomly pulling things from nowhere with a clear, consistent pattern. It's been there with me from the start, and I don't even know what it means. It's getting harder and harder for me to mask as a normal human. I see that this isn't a phase.

I don't even care about weddings that much. I find the ceremonies to be a waste of time and money. So this is really unprecedented for me.

Going to a family wedding in a few months will be a treat, going forward with this knowledge. Right now, I feel that I've had 5 shots of coffee and I haven't had caffeine in weeks. Long term stress makes me fear every new thing that happens in my life.

Me right now.

Idk, this is a rant.

[multiverse-sya]

I should have suspected something was up

I watched a couple of alien invasion movies, growing up. It was never a huge interest of mine, but I'd watch and enjoy them when the chance came up. I was scared of aliens and all of the technology that they used, with a few exceptions which I will talk about later.

When I first realized I was an alien species, I asked myself, "if I really am a nonhuman alien, why would these movies scare me so much?" Under the cut, I'll talk about some of my early childhood experiences with alien movies. Incoming long post.

Ironically, my dad likes to mention how Men in Black was the first movie I saw in theaters back in the 90s, even though I was too young to remember it. I also cried when the cockroach alien guy came up on screen, I couldn't blame toddler me for that, even though he makes me laugh in my older age whenever I see him.

But nowadays whenever I watch it, I can't help but laugh because a big part of the story was about aliens disguised as human in a city, trying to live their lives, where no one would suspect a thing. They made a joke about this too, and it really called me out.

Onto the more serious and scarier movies, I felt that alien invasions were a legitimate threat when I was a little kid, I know now that's not the case though.

It comes down to a few things. 1. Invasions are scary, no matter whoever does it. 2. I did have to fight through alien invasions before, on multiple worlds, some were against factions that wanted to destroy life off of planets. And 3. There was actually one alien movie that didn't scare me so much when I was younger, War of the Worlds.

The tripods don't scare me. Even back then, I thought they were really cool looking and badass. It felt weird to see an alien movie and not being scared of their alien technology when I was much younger. There was a strange absence of fear, where I would normally be terrified to see them walking around. I've rewatched it now, and the human harvesting they did inside the machines really does creep me out. But that fear is still fully removed and separate whenever I see the tripods just walking around and destroying cities and vaporizing people with their laser beams.

And, well, here's one from the movie and one from the source. They both shoot laser beams, by the way:

It was at least a solid decade before I even saw a colossus when I looked into the game's lore. Back in 2005 to 2006, they just didn't exist in game at all. But they were released in the second game during 2010. My first thought was just, "hey, they look like those tripods. Neat."

Around the same time, I became a fan of the alien v.s predator movies. My aunt and uncle had life sized Halloween costumes of them. And I always rooted for the y.au.tja. In my mind, the ya.utj.a were just some guys from another planet who wanted to fight and kill things. And they have an honor system, where they only went after targets that could potentially defend themselves. I was able to respect that, even when they took a villainous role. It was nice to see aliens not inside vehicles and see them as actual, living organisms.

I must have been around 7 or 8 years old, but my uncle was dressed in a life sized y.aut.ja costume, and I thought it was the real thing. Yes, I was a little scared at first, but you got to understand, that I was also afraid of Santa a few years before that, (lol). And the fear of seeing the y.aut.ja wasn't actually that bad. I wasn't hiding behind a couch the whole time. Sadly, it's been so long that I don't remember how the conversation with the "y.aut.ja" went. I don't remember what sort of questions I asked, but it was still a fun experience.

My species are pretty similar to them culturally, and with the high tech weaponry they had. I could respect something coming out of a ship to fight something dangerous face to face. I have a very similar mentality.

Lastly, there's this scene from Indep.enden.ce Day that really scared me. As I've written on at dreamwidth:

I was watching the movie when I was about 12. It was scary, but I didn't lose sleep over it at the time. But at some point in the near future, I managed to give myself a small anxiety attack over a certain clip from the movie. I don't remember what triggered this sense of dread but I remember getting some sort of existential dread in the middle of class. It was the scene between the scientist and the escaped alien, (called the harvesters) that they were originally trying to dissect. They thought it was dead but it woke up. Then, the alien began to use the scientist's own body like a puppet and demanded that the other humans need to release it, that there will be no peace, and it wanted to kill everyone. The other kicker is that these aliens resembled some of the Big Antagonist's hybrids almost exactly.

Now, I think it was a mixture of the possession, the feeling of being faced with an uncompromising enemy that wants to commit omnicide, and the appearance of the alien that scared me back then. Some of the words that the Big Antagonist and its hybrids used were very reminiscent of the dialogue that was between the harvester alien and the humans with whom it was talking to in the movie. I couldn't replay this campaign without thinking of this clip. The kicker is that this anxiety attack happened around the year 2008. The scenes where this took place in my source came out years later.

I really do not want to post pictures of the harvesters and the hybrid from my source here, look it up if you wish. But there is a very clear resemblance, leading me to think that the harvesters were used as inspiration for one of the hybrid forms.

Essentially, the things that the creators probably used for inspiration while developing the game were already an influence on me for no apparent reason before it was made 'canon.' It still 'validates' me even if they took that influence from other media. Because I already had these experiences before I knew anything about the source. A lot of the concept art and designs that ended up becoming canon just so happened to be accurate in some strange trick of the universe. And I can't really explain these coincidences.

[multiverse-sya]

Random vivid glimpses of alien architecture number ???:

There are times I sincerely wish I knew another one of my species, because maybe they can tell me what the machinery's function I just saw does. At this point, there are really no 'wrong' answers, I just want a better idea and another perspective from another.

Double points for me because the thing I saw isn't even in game.

If a third game comes out in the unforeseeable future, I am betting that I will see what I just saw from my dreams/memories because weird shit like this always happens to me.

[multiverse-sya]

I wonder what strange dreams I'd get when I fall asleep.

My anxiety right now reminds me so much of the night of my awakening. Again, I am staring at the walls and the ceiling, waiting for the day to come. But needing to sleep before then. Trying to pretend that I'm not an imposter posing as a human, when that is the truth. Wondering how I will cope without slipping up.

If I'm lucky, or unlucky enough, maybe I won't discover anything new.

At least I got sleeping meds this time.