It's that section of road, the point where you have left all the streetlamps behind, and you realize that you only have the moon to guide you. You look up and see the trees a slightly darker black than the black of the sky. You move along, heart thumping, briskly walking, just trying to make it home. You wish you had someone to reach out to, to hold onto, because you feel like if you fall, you'll tumble forever into the abyss and never be seen again. But you're all alone, there are no hands for you to grab on to for comfort. So you listen to your footsteps, you think about all of the things you ever said, you realize that you're alone because of everything leading up to this moment. All of the moments you just couldn't bring yourself to show emotion, all of the times you couldn't admit what you were feeling, all of the times that you pushed away people trying to get close. So now you're walking home, all alone...
You become hypervigilant, every sound becomes magnified, you swear you hear footsteps, you wonder who it is at this time of night? You're alone, and you did not anticipate seeing anyone else, so the sound of footsteps is no comfort. A million thoughts race through your head from the most logical of "just another person heading home" to fear driven thoughts that the person intends you harm. You walk faster without realizing it, your legs burn and you just want to make it home. You try to breathe quietly so you can still hear the footsteps and judge how much distance is between you and the person somewhere behind you. You feel like they are keeping pace, maybe even trying to catch up with you. You don't want to run, but your fear of confrontation is building, you begin to look around for other signs of life,for possible places to run to, for some sort of haven that you can reach quickly if this person has hoped to make you their next victim. You take inventory of what's in your pockets, try and figure out how to best defend yourself, your shoes scrape on the sidewalk as your fear makes you clumsy. You hear the footsteps getting closer, you breathe heavily and you swallow hard, straining to listen, trying to discern between echoes and the source. You feel like they are right behind you, like you can feel a hand reaching toward you, hot breath on your back. You spin around, determined to meet this confrontation head on at least. There is no one there.You're all alone on this stretch of road.
Your mind spins for a minute, was the whole thing imagined, or is your pursuer hiding somewhere nearby? But there is nothing close enough to have ducked behind last minute. You breathe a sigh of relief, and let yourself laugh. How silly to get so worked up over nothing, you're all alone, you're all alone... You realize that this is why you're all alone, because you always jump to the worst conclusion, that you never know people's intentions and you just assume that they are trying to hurt you. So you prefer to be alone, because when there are others about that you don't know, you always think the worst. Some people think being alone is terrifying, but not you, for you it's a safety blanket, a hot drink on a cold day. Being alone is where you are comfortable, because there are no anxious moments of trying to read into other people. You realize that this is your safety net, that you would rather be completely alone on a road at night, than sitting next to someone trying to figure them out. That you have been scared to show emotion, to share feelings because you never knew how people would react. That you pushed people away because it was safer than letting them in. That you have said so many things to protect your solitude, that you were afraid of losing your ability to be alone. You wonder if you will ever find someone that can love you and also leave you alone, because you need to be left alone quite often. You laugh because this makes you probably the most demanding person ever, to want that much space, to want someone that can understand a different kind of distance, not a physical one, but an internal one.
As you reach home, and walk through the door you feel relief. You know there are no surprises waiting for you, that everything is just as you left it when you shut the door earlier. That you can just crawl into bed with a book without having to explain where you were, or expend the mental energy on small talk. You can move things around, you can lay diagonally across the bed, you can move freely and without having to constantly take into consideration the thoughts and feelings of the other. You can feel free to indulge your weird habits, you can eat the ice cream right out of the carton... Because you're all alone...
