Bargains (Part Two)
Part One: https://writerbyaccident.tumblr.com/post/182816070094/bargains
You sat in the garden, concealed under a weeping willow. At least, you had thought it was a willow tree, until you remembered that willow trees did not have dusky purple leaves. You were slowly becoming acclimated to the strange world you had found yourself trapped in, but that new familiarity brought along its own kind of fear. Fear that you would give in to the temptations of this wiling world, fear that you would forget the life you held before all of this, fear that you would remember, but just not care. That was why you sought refuge in the garden, it was the one place that you could attempt to collect yourself, try to keep your soul from slipping out of your hands.
At the moment, you were writing out your most important memories in the dirt, using a small stick you had found on the ground. You knew better now than to try to break off part of a branch yourself, doing so would only serve to attract the attention of every creature at the palace. The last thing you needed was for your liege to discover your secret ritual. He may not have explicitly forbidden you from sorting through your past, but you knew that that was only due to the fact that he believed this realm would do the work of destroying your memories for him. You paused at the thought, half convinced you hear him approaching. But soon enough your dread passed, and you continued in your task.
You were writing down the names of all of your friends and family that you had left behind, trying not to wonder if they remembered you at all. It was dangerous to be sharing their names, even if it was only with the earth, but it felt even more dangerous to let yourself forget them. Still, you were sure to write their names very small, so that only a person who already knew what they said could tell what they were. In addition, you were also laying in the dirt, covering the names with your body so that no one else could see them, not even the sprites that sometimes enjoyed spying on you. You knew it was a risk to get your gown dirty; he always told you that he could not have his pet appear slovenly before the court, but you knew that any punishment he could give you would be worth enduring. As you wrote down each name, small but precious memories came back to you. The tricks your dog could do, your best friend’s smile, the pancakes your parents would make you each year for your birthday. It took you a minute, but soon you realized that you had begun to cry. They were not sad tears though, not really. They were more of a melancholy nostalgia.
“Why are you crying, my dear?” You looked up, startled. Your sovereign had appeared before you without even the sound of his breath to warn you. He stood above you, looking down in exaggerated consternation. Taking in his sudden arrival, you noticed that his eyes were a haughty silver at the moment, his color for tightly controlled rage. Trying not to avoid his gaze, you slowly moved your hands towards the names, about to wipe them away before he could see. But before you could erase them, he called your name and commanded you to stop.
“Please,” you begged him. He paid no mind to your pleas, and instead moved to see what you had been writing. You prayed that he wouldn’t be able to tell what the words actually said, but your prayers provided little comfort. Peering down at the words, he laughed coldly.
“So this is your little secret? I have to say, I expected something more entertaining from you, pet.” His words were unbothered and condescending, but somewhere in his tone his anger was betrayed. With a frighteningly gentle touch, he grasped your arms and forced you to stand. You dropped your gaze then, afraid of what you might see in his eyes. It could have been rage, or amusement, or triumph; no matter what it was, you knew it would end poorly for you. All you could hope for was that he would spare the names written there.
“I-I just didn’t want to forget,” you whispered, knowing that your cooperation would be necessary in order to obtain mercy for your loved ones.
“But why would you feel the need to hide such a thing from me, love?” he asked mockingly. “I thought you knew our ways. The true power of names is only given when the holder of it gives it freely.” You looked up in desperate hope to see if his words were true, when he suddenly gripped your chin in his iron grip.
“However,” he continued, “I do believe that I could do something with these names.” His eyes began to change into a bright amber, giving him the fitting appearance of a feral animal.
“What are you going to do to them?”
“Well, there are quite a few options. I could visit their dreams, whisper things in their ears, force them to see their greatest fears come to life before them. Or,” he said, leaning to whisper in your ear, “I could show them every single thing that I have done to you here.”
“Please, I’m sorry,” you whimpered. “I won’t do it again, just don’t hurt them.” At your words, he only sighed.
“But you betrayed my trust, pet. I have told you time and time again, I refuse to share you. That includes with memories as well.” In a perverse parody of gentleness, he started to stroke your hair. Despite yourself, you leaned into his delicate touch and let his breaths dance upon your neck. “There is nothing left for you in that world, my dear. Thinking of it will only hurt our chance at happiness. You have given me your name, but until you give me every piece of your being, I cannot make you happy. I would worship you, if only you would let me.” You drank in his sweet words gladly, swaying slightly at their rhythm. They were so tempting, offering you a chance at escape from the cage you had found yourself trapped in. Dimly, you realized that he had begun to trail soft kisses all over your neck, and you closed your eyes in lazy contentment. As his kisses grew more passionate, a thread of heat rose within you, and you were suddenly desperate to feel his lips against yours. You leaned towards him in an attempt to catch his lips, but he moved back with a teasing smile.
“I have a bargain to offer you, little one,” he told you. “I will erase these names from my mind, so that I could not use them even if I wanted to. But in return, you will forget them as well.” You bit your lip in consideration, knowing that the specific wording of the bargain had to be thought over carefully. He was not asking to wipe away your memories, but that was only because he didn’t need to. Once you let go of these names, you knew that your memories would begin to fade with them. Slowly, all of your connection to your past life would be eroded, like a pebble in a stream. Your heart ached at the very thought, and positively roared at the realization that you would agree. You had given up so much already, the prospect of handing over more of yourself to this world and to this man hurt as no physical pain ever would. At your distress, your lord reached forward and cupped his cheek in his hand.
“I do this not to hurt you, love. You know that so long as you hold these memories within you, the pain will never leave. Do you not see-I am the only answer to your suffering, I am the only one who cares enough to heal you.”
“That-that’s not true,” you reminded yourself desperately. “They would save me if they could.” He smiled with patronizing sympathy.
“Then why haven’t they? I did not erase their memories of you, and the friend you saved remembers exactly what happened. And yet, none of them have even tried to find this place, much less find you.” You gave a quiet sob at his words, willing yourself not to believe them. But you knew that the Fae could not lie, so your tears continued, and he began to stroke your hair again. Looking up into his eyes, you saw that they were now a golden brown, warm with fond attachment. There was possessiveness hidden there as well, but you refused to let yourself see it.
“Let me take care of you,” he murmured. “You do not belong there any longer, your home is with me. They are not worthy of you, they never were. You are a jewel among them, why else would I have chosen you? I am the only one who has ever seen your true worth. You are my match in every conceivable way: in your intelligence, in your compassion, in your beauty, in your nobility. Every sacrifice you make for them only proves it further. Let go of them guiltlessly, they are not worth your tears.” His words were gentle, a soothing balm to the anguish that you felt. After so long of trying to keep your walls up around your sovereign, he brought them crumbling down with sorely needed affection.
“All right,” you agreed. “I accept your bargain.” He smiled in gratification, directing you to look down at the soil. To your lack of surprise, the names you had written there had disappeared. You searched yourself for them, and found nothing. The memories were still there, but now they were further away. They no longer demanded your attention and subsequent suffering. Looking back up at your lord, you gave him a small smile. Only then did he meld his lips with yours, enjoying how he could now taste your full reciprocation.
