#fahrtgrl

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#thoughtsonfarts

Brain fart. Could not for the life of me remember how to spell "which" without spelling in like the Halloween "witch". Maybe molly really does burn wholes (jk, holes) in your brain.

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Fun Fart Fact #4

If you're constipated, you probably fart a lot. It is bad for you poor liver. Imagine what a horrible combination drinking and being constipated would be. 

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A Most Thoughtful Present for #fahrtgrl

Life has quite a bit secret little pleasures, all spread out among us, for everyone to enjoy. One of these things I find truly remarkable is the Clorox Bleach Blue Toilet Bowl Cleaner. I mean, how awesome is it that the clear water in your porcelain bowl becomes a bright, inviting blue? It's a pleasure to look at! Not only that, but apparently, the stuff magically cleans your bowl, meaning you don't have to. 

My amazing boyfriend got me these magical little blue packets and I've loved him and my blue toilet water ever since.

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Ever hear that dogs are like their owners? These two are too cute.

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"I just unbuttoned my pants. No, I'm not in the bathroom, and no, I'm not about to change. I'm sitting in the library and I just ate half a baguette."

#fahrtgrl

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#fahrtgrl's Fifth-Grade Trauma

I can't imagine anything more traumatic happening to me in fifth-grade than farting. Loudly. In front of all my classmates. During silent reading time.  We were sitting at our desks that were arranged into table groups with five kids to a table. I sat next to a chubby guy named Carlos. Thank goodness this was fifth grade and boys were very much into making fart noises, usually with their armpits, sometimes with their legs. And so, as I sat in my classroom that day, stifling a loud one, the boys in the classroom giggled and farted occasionally with their armpits, snorting at the noise.

And then, I farted. 

It was loud and clear. There was no mistaking it. I tried to pretend like nothing had happened, like I had not just ripped one in front of thirty people. I know my face was beet-red. I know people suspected it was me. But thankfully, the fart was not deadly and Carlos sat next to me, farting with his armpit.

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Friends of #fahrtgrl

A friend was over and she told me this story: 

I was at they gym the other day, actually trying to have a decent work out. I'm on the treadmill going at a steady pace, jogging lightly. But it's hard to work out when you're panting, like a dog that just spent the afternoon chasing his tail, and there's a sorostitute next to you, galloping like a god-damned gazelle, without breaking a sweat. Finally, I let one out, one of those silent, but deadly ones. It takes a moment before the smell reaches her and it's finally what slows her down. She turns to me, cringing her nose and waving the air in front of her nose away. I reciprocate the action, shrugging with only a slight grin on my face, and pick up my pace.

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"There are those special farts. The kind she leaves for you on your pillow."

- My Housemate