#fallinginloveis

[kutubuku]

Falling in Love is... (1)

When I listen to songs that sound like they convey my feelings.

[verleben]

falling in love

is like exploding from the inside, your guts, your heart, your lungs, you think about kissing that person, you think about them probably a hundred times a day and they don't even know, you feel guilty because you have those fantasies about them, you even dream about them and they really don't know and meanwhile it feels like the most honest and pure emotion you've ever had, you were just thrown into those feelings and now they overwhelm you from time to time, you're drowning in them, sinking deeply into dark water and you cannot see the ground, you don't know where this will end, you don't know how much more you can bear, you try to remember the last time you where lying in bed and didn't think of them, you count the days until you see them again, you're scared of the fact they could meet some other person they really like and you never meant anything to them even if you know that anxiety is just a negative emotion about something that didn't happen yet, that feeling in your stomach, it reminds you of swinging at the playground in your early childhood years, being drunk and trying to ride your bike at night, jumping from the five-metres diving tower, roller coaster rides at the kirmess with your friends, the take off of an airplane, sudden dirty fantasies during the daytime, it reminds you of that moment when a lift starts going up, and even against all odds you're hoping that person has some lift-feelings for you too, you feel naive and driven and headless and crazy and disorientated because while there's a grenade exploding in your stomach, tearing everything into tiny pieces, you're trying to stay calm, to talk to them like a normal human being, to enjoy those ambivalent feelings.

[verleben]

falling in love

is like you want to see them all the time, you think of places they could probably be right now and you honestly think about going there too, you imagine situations in which you could tell them everything or you could just kiss them but when there’s one of these moments when you both have been silent for a few seconds you lose all your words and then you just giggle like some kind of silly kid, you’re giggling about every joke they might tell anyways, you realise you’re behaving like a thirteen year old teenage girl and all your friends begin to notice and start making stupid comments when the person’s around, now you’re afraid they will notice too but secretly you hope they will for some reason, you lie awake so many nights, listening to awkward music, screaming in your pillow, crying and on the other hand you are so happy when you see them and you smile at every person on the street because you’re so filled up with those feelings, you think about the person all the time, wondering if they do the same (probably not), you want to look good every time they could see you and you dress up for partys but they never come and then you meet them at the supermarket and you’re in your pyjamas, everything’s so fucked up, you start listening to their favourite music and you really like it, you want to do sports, begin to run, because they’re so athletic and you like to eat pizza and stuff and you realise that you’re not into running so you want to eat healthy but you end up watching shitty movies while binge eating chocolate and ice cream, like (insert name) can you please read this, come around and tell me how all this time you were just to shy to tell me that you like me too?