For Day 14 of @whumpril's 2023 Challenge: false smile / holding back tears / "I said I'm fine"
Warnings: 18+, language, angst
Word Count: 2.2k
A/N: I've been wanting to write for JJ again for a while now and these prompts just seemed to good to pass up for him. Hope you enjoy!
OBX Taglist: @garbinge @passionatewrites (If you want to be added to any of my taglists, please let me know!)
The pogues all getting back to the Outer Banks was the biggest news on the island since they’d all gone missing. It was funny to you how much people had switched up about them once they were missing. People that you knew for a fact had never said a kind word to any of them were suddenly saying how worried they were, how they hoped that they were all okay wherever they were. It was all bullshit, and you knew it, but it wasn’t worth fighting with them over.
You almost wished that any of it had been sincere, because at least then it wouldn’t have felt like you were suffering alone. But, as it stood, you had no one. The more time that went by, the less people even pretended to care, and the more alone you felt.
But then they all came home.
There was nothing else in your life that could’ve compared to the feeling of relief that came when you found out that it was true, that they really were all back on the island. All of those weeks with absolutely no news, and now you were going to be able to see them all again. It felt like your heart was going to leap clean out of your chest.
You didn’t really know what you expected, but when you stopped by the chateau to see everyone, the only person that you saw there was John B. It made sense that everyone would’ve gone off in their different directions, but part of you was hoping that you would be able to see them all together before they split off.
It didn’t stop you from hugging John B tight enough to you to risk cracking his ribs. “I’m so glad you guys are okay,” you said, tears welling up in your eyes.
He laughed but you could hear the heaviness in it as he said, “Yea, me too.”
Pulling back, you quickly wiped the tears from your face. “Where…where is everyone?”
He shook his head, looking as bewildered as you felt. He didn’t know what else to do besides shrug. “Not sure. I think that everyone went…went home. Sarah went to get some stuff from Tannyhill but then she’ll be back here.”
“What about JJ?”
John B shrugged again. “He didn’t say where he was going exactly. Just figured he was going back to his house.”
Your heart sank at that. His house. His house that you knew for a fact was now taped off and slated to be seized by the bank. His house that he had been dying to get out of for years before all of this, and now it was only going to be worse.
Trying to get your feelings under control, you nodded. “Right. I’m, um, I’m gonna go see if I can catch up with him. I’ll try to track down Pope and Kie tomorrow.”
John B nodded. “Sure thing.”
Pulling him into another hug, you told him, “I’m so fucking glad you guys are home.”
He eased into the hug, squeezing you back for a moment. “Thank you.”
Without wasting another minute, you took off from the chateau back to your car and started towards JJ’s. You’d been stopping there on your rounds while everyone had been gone. You’d been stopping by the chateau too, on the off chance that they all appeared again and were just trying to lay low like the last time they dropped off the radar.
Practically jumping out of your car, you started making your way towards the front door. You saw the tape across it, but you also saw the way that the front door had been opened anyway. A heaviness settled in your chest as you realized that JJ had to come home after so many weeks away, to this. You’d been spending all of those weeks alone, but JJ had to come back to loneliness. That was an entirely different kind of pain.
Letting yourself in the house, you called out for him. “JJ?”
There was the sound of something clattering to the ground followed by the heavy footsteps that let you know that while a lot of things might have changed, JJ still hadn’t lost his boots. Any of the comfort that you found in that realization, however, was lost when JJ emerged from where his bedroom used to be. The lost look on his face broke your heart, but what made it worse was the fact that he tried to paint a smile on over it as he said your name.
“What’re you doing here?”
You wanted to step in closer to him, but it felt like your feet were glued to the floor. “I just, um, I wanted to come and see you.”
He held his arms out, the fake smile growing sadder by the second. “Here I am.”
Something about the sadness in his face got your feet to finally cooperate with the rest of you. Crossing the room in what felt like two long strides, you landed yourself right in front of him. “I missed you.”
“I—” his sentence was cut short for a moment as you wrapped him up in a hug. He settled into it, but you could feel the way that he was beginning to shake as he said, “I missed you too.”
The two of you stood like that for a long time, wrapped up in the middle of the dirty living room of Luke’s abandoned house. You were making up for lost time, all the days and nights that you’d spent worrying about him, about all of them. Every day that went by it felt less and less likely that you’d ever get the chance to hug JJ like this again. But he was here now, and you didn’t want to let him go.
JJ, on the other hand, was holding you tight in the hopes that if he held you tight enough, held you long enough, that the world around him would somehow change. As long as your arms were squeezing around his middle, and his eyes were shut tight as he buried his face into your shoulder, the sad reality of all that he had to come back to on the island wasn’t something that he had to deal with.
You could feel it as he started to shake more, could feel how he was trying desperately to hold back his tears. Running your hand up and down his back, you said, “You can talk to me, you know.”
That snapped him out of the sad but wishful state that he’d been in. Pulling away from you, he sniffled and shook his head, trying to blink his tears back into submission. “Talk? What’s,” he forced a laugh, “what’s there to talk about?”
“JJ—”
“No, no,” he waved you off, taking a step back, “I’m fine. Really. Why,” he let out a sad laugh as he held his arms out, gesturing to the room around you, “why wouldn’t I be good? I’m home! All those weeks away and I’m finally fucking home!”
You felt your bottom lip starting to quiver. “I’m sorry.”
Heat crept up the back of his neck—he could feel the anger threatening to roll over him. It wasn’t about you. None of this was your fault. But the longer he stood there, looking at you and the sad, sympathetic look in your eyes, the more he felt like he was going to take it out on you anyway. It wasn’t fair. But nothing about any of this really was.
“What do you have to be sorry for? I said I’m fine. I’m back,” he kicked an empty beer can to the side, “back in paradise.”
You knew that there was nothing to say that was going to soothe the pain he was feeling. Everyone else was coming home to things that were theirs, coming home to families of some kind. But not him. He had an empty, foreclosed house and that was it. John B had the chateau, Sarah had John B, Kiara had her parents, and Pope had his. Everyone had someone to lean on, something that was waiting to welcome them home. JJ had you, but it wasn’t the same. It wasn’t what he was looking for.
“You don’t gotta stay,” he said after a long stretch of silence. “I’m all good here, if you couldn’t tell.”
“I want to stay,” you told him, hoping to make him realize that he wasn’t as alone as he felt.
He scoffed. “No one wants to stay here. I don’t want to stay here, that’s for damn sure. Luke didn’t wanna stay here either! Hell, I didn’t even want to come back at all!”
The tears that were lingering at the edges of your eyes finally started to spill over. “JJ…”
“No, no,” he waved you off, “don’t do that. Don’t look at me like that, say my name like that.”
“I’m not—”
“What are you even doing here, anyway?”
Wiping at the tears on your face, you asked, “Is it not obvious?” You could tell by the look on his face when he opened his mouth that he was going to have another sarcastic comment for you, so you cut him off before he could start. “I’ve been worried sick about you for well over a month, JJ. You were missing. I, I was worried that you were dead.”
“Well,” he threw his hands up, “I’m not. I’m good. So you can—”
“You’re not good, JJ! Stop saying that!” You took a step towards him, erasing the distance that he’d tried to put there. “You’re not good. Nothing…nothing about this situation is good. I, I get that.”
You didn’t get it fully. But you were at least in a place where you could see it more than anyone else had been capable of. That’s why you were standing there with him while everyone else was gone. You were expecting JJ to throw it back in your face, though, the way that you couldn’t possibly understand it all. You braced yourself for a tirade, but it never came. The anger that was beginning to flood his eyes slowly started to drain, the sadness and loss creeping back in its stead. You saw the way he tried to keep his tears at bay as he shook his head at you, trying to figure out what to say next.
All you wanted to do was pull him out of that god forsaken house and never let him go back. Your mind was already racing, trying to come up with a plan for it all. But you also knew that the best plan in the world wasn’t going to matter if JJ didn’t agree to it. It all hinged on him being willing to let his guard down, let someone help.
“Please come stay with me,” you finally said.
He froze, clearly not expecting that to be the next thing you said. “What?”
“Come stay with me. At least for a little while, until we figure out what to do next.”
He shook his head. “No, no I can’t…you’re just…no. I can’t do that.”
“Why not?”
He stepped back and started to pace. “Just because you feel bad, doesn’t mean—”
“This is just as much for me as it is for you,” you said, cutting him off.
It wasn’t a lie, either. You didn’t want JJ to be squatting in Luke’s house for a multitude of reasons. You knew that nothing good was going to come of that. However, you would’ve been lying if you tried to say that convincing him to stay with you and your family didn’t have some selfish ulterior motives to it. All those weeks of not knowing where he was, it would be nice to know that he was just down the hall.
He could see the sincerity in your eyes. Part of him knew that he wasn’t going to end up winning this argument, but another part of him wasn’t going to let him give in without a fight.
“What about your parents?”
You laughed and shook your head, wiping at the tears on your face. “I’ve been telling you for years, JJ, my parents actually like you.”
He never believed it when you said it. You didn’t exactly blame him—most people on the island didn’t like JJ simply because they knew his last name. That, and he had a hard time not feeding into the animosity of it all once he found out that people didn’t particularly trust him. But your parents hadn’t ever treated him poorly, hadn’t ever made him feel less-than. You knew that some of it came from pity, but it was better than them treating him poorly.
It'd been a long enough stretch of silence to allow him to think when you finally spoke up again. “Please?”
He hesitated for another moment longer, but then gave in with a nod. “Okay.” He wiped at the tears on his face. “Just, just until I figure out something else.”
Relief flooded through you as you nodded. “Of course.”
Stepping in, JJ wrapped his arms around you in a tight hug, finally allowing himself to fall apart for a moment. “Thank you.”
You held him tight. “Of course.” Hooking your chin over his shoulder, you let your hand trail up and down his back. “I love you, you know.”
You felt the way he nodded as he kept you clung close to him. “I know.” He let out a sigh of relief. “I love you too.”
I scowled in disgust as the backwater planet’s mud dirtied my primaries. There was no way I’d escape preening once going home. The village chief, some kind of one-legged humanoid owl that heavily leaned on a weirdly decorated stick, cried out as they trailed behind me.
“You- you can’t-”
“Can’t I?” I smirked.
Wave of pain echoed from the old owl’s presence. Their leg ached and their stump pulled as they struggled to meet my pace. It was delectable. I accelerated just for the fun of it, the Dark pumping my body full of adrenaline.
By a surprising feat of strength, the one legged owl managed to jump in front of me, blocking my path.
“Please- It’s the last remnant of our culture—” the village chief begged.
“And I need it,” I answered, sweeping them aside.
I stepped into the room, letting out a whistle at the sight. The room was wide, and simple, but magnificent. Silver and gold runes covered the walls, the pillar and the ceiling in a hypnotizing runic dance. Wood beams were covered with slithering creatures, and the faint candle light refleccted on some kind of long golden nets, giving a refined atmosphere to the dimly lit room.
A deceptively-simple necklace sat prominently In the center of the room, on which hung a black stone. It sent subtle pulses into the Force, its ripples crashing against my shield like tides. A wave of greed surged within me. This was it. This was the artifact I had risked facing Aheka’s wrath for.
I had read legends about it in the great Sith library: an artifact from a Force Sensitive people that were neither Jedi or Sith, but great warriors nevertheless. They had engaged in several wars and won, before disappearing back into their corner of the galaxy. The artifact was rumored to allow its user to hide from any living being. With it in hand, my escapades from the palace would become much easier.
(It was ironic, how close to collars necklaces were.)
I carefully removed the case, covering the necklace with my presence. Soon, it would be mine. I took it in hand, and reveled in the stone’s smooth feeling against my palm. I held it up, and admired the way the jewel unnaturally shined in the candlelight. I loved it already.
“Please-”
The peaceful moment broke. My tail lashed in annoyance.
“Would you stop your whining?” I snapped. “You’ll survive just fine without it.”
The village chief opened their mouth, but I didn’t intend to listen to any more of their pitiful begging. I turned around, going back the way I came. I had what I came for. Aheka would throw a fit if I was gone for too long.
A hand desperately grasped my clothes.
“Please- we’ll die without it-” I tried to shrug them away, but the old owl was surprisingly strong. “It’s all that protects our village from the predators outside-”
I flared my wings, and the sudden movement was enough to chase the distasteful leech away. I folded them back and stared at the desperate village chief.
“If your village is up to the legends, it will survive without the necklace.”
“But the legends are-”
“If it’s not,” I cut in, “then it is only natural law that it ends in ashes.”
For in this world, only the strong survived. Such was the will of the Force.
I resumed my way towards the exit, but the hand came back, stronger this time. My skin burned where the village chief touched me, my body unused to the feeling.
“I can’t let you take it away,” the old owl said. They were trembling, and fear made their tone waver, but their voice was underlined by an admirable determination.
Glee filled my chest. My lips turned upward into a false smile, one a predator would throw at its unaware prey.
“Now, that’s more like it,” I said, tail waving with the thrill of a soon-to-come chase. Fighters were always much more fun to crush.
The village chief sent me a confused look as I dragged them towards the exit. Their lone leg clawed at the floor in an attempt to slow me down, but they were old, and I was much stronger. At some point, they did try to attack me with their ridiculous stick- but I made short work of it. A quiet mourning fed the Force as it gave under my hands. The Dark twirled in a dance of joy.
Breaking wood had rarely felt so satisfying.
We stepped out of the building, and I stopped, releasing the owlish being. I turned towards them, dangling the necklace in the air.
“You need this to hide the village, right?”
They nodded, wide eyes fixed on the artifact, fear pouring out of their body. I scoffed. The old owl had no need to be so terrified for it- I’d never break such a useful tool. Their impertinent life, however…
I reached out to the planet, connecting with the various predators living there. Using the Force to modulate my voice, I roared: “Here is food!”
Immediately, hundreds of hungry minds turned towards me. Towards me… and towards the village the cry had echoed from. The villagers stared at me, confused. I drank on their nervousness, delighted. They knew I had done something, knew their impending doom was near- but they didn’t know how, and it scared them.
They’d learn it soon enough.
I raised my hand for my second action, connecting once more with the Force.
“What are you doing?” the village chief wobbled.
“Testing the legend,” I answered.
Then, with a clench of my fist, every building in the vicinity crumbled. A ping tightened my chest as the magnificent room that had sheltered the necklace disappeared into ashes. It was kind of a waste, but soon no one would be left to appreciate its lost splendor anyway.
Cries and wails filled the air as people found themself trapped, lost, or crushed by the mayhem. The old owl fell on their knees, silent tears running down their fluffy cheeks. I stepped back in disgust.
Weak.
Perhaps the legends were wrong and they wouldn’t survive after all.
“Why…” they sobbed. “What did we do to deserve this-”
Their whispers asked for no answer, but I did nevertheless.
“Nothing.” The old owl turned towards me, incredulity filling their eyes. I smiled at them; at least they would die wiser. “Life has never been about what we deserved,” I told them. “It’s always been about what we take, and the consequences we suffer for it.”
I spread my wings, stretching my body out to better feel the Dark caress against my skin. It sang a soft lullaby in my ears, mixing the cacophony of cries into a beautiful melody.
By the time I took off, the precious artifact looped around my hand (not my neck, never my neck-), there was nothing left of the once-cozy village. Beasts rampaged freely amidst the broken ruins, sharing the Dark Side’s delight in this early meal. A purr bloomed in my chest.
Life was nothing but a long, unpredictable chain of cruel consequences.
