Can I request smth? Of course take as much time as you need with this!
But since I saw that you take request for koby I literally SCRUMMED so hard the walls echoed my screams of joy
So ermmm a little self projection but koby x reader whose a FULL MAJOR SIMP FOR HIM I mean EVER SINCE HE WAS A LOSER (I love him AND his past self where he didn't have a glow up 🫶😍) and would rant to her friends about it and practically everyone knows it BUT when she actually has a conversation with him she literally would rather drop dead than have a "hi" and "hello" interaction with him— SHE CAN'T HANDLE IT, HER HEART MIGHT EXPLODE
Hehe I can't help but wonder what her reaction might be when she finds out he likes it too (she might actually pass out)
- LOVE 🫧 anon (if it's not taken)
TONGUE TIED .ᐟ.ᐟ
──★ synopsis !!: talking about your love for Koby to the world? easy as pie. but coming face to face with him is a whole different ball game.
──★ pairings !!: koby x fem! reader
──★ tags !!: fan! reader, heavy pining, love at first sight, slight crack-fic, humor, Koby being a sweetheart, reader being a loser for Koby, lots of fluff, does not follow main anime/manga plot whatsoever!!
──★ word count !!: 2.9k words !!
──★ extras !!: THIS IS SO CUTE I LOVEEEE. TYSM FOR THE REQUEST, KOBY MY LOVE YOUR UP BABY! LETS GET THIS PARTY STARTED
as a wise Usopp once said, you were suffering from severe "can't stop talking about Koby" disease.
it was no news to the rest of the crew that you were quite possibly his biggest fan.
"Koby looked so good on the newsletter!!" you'd squeal out, heart on your tongue and hugging the paper like it was the man himself. if it was, you were more than positive you'd be dead on the floor from living out your fangirl dreams.
this wasn't some cliche thing just because he had gotten more attractive through the years, no, absolutely not.
that little spark you carried so brightly for Koby had been there since day fucking one. even when the world laughed at him, calling him names for being so small and scrawny. it never mattered to you.
you loved him when he was nothing but another sad soul trying to become a marine.
you were practically his day one. even if you had never spoken to him.
a part of you wanted to watch the world burn for the chains of the government around the love between you two. after all, what good was a pirate fawning over a marine like Koby?
even so, you held the biggest middle finger to the chains, promising the snap them one day. it didn't matter to you; the love you held for Koby was stronger than anything else. you practically hoarded every single thing that had his name plastered on it without shame, hanging it up on the walls of your room like some sick shrine.
again, you did not care.
because you were Koby's biggest fan girl.
Luffy, your captain, seemed to shatter your entire world with a simple shrug of his shoulders. his finger was deep in his nose like he was digging for treasure, and as smoothly as you breathed for Koby's sake, his words came out.
"you might get a chance to see him, he called yesterday." Luffy drew out, brows tugged in concentration as he shoved his finger deeper into his finger. that had to have hurt, the captain was pretty much knuckles deep by this point. "said he wanted to say hi while he could."
Luffy was without a care to the news. "or somethin,"
"i don't remember." but you? oh lord have mercy.
your mouth parted slightly, slow and deliberate. eyes wide, still very much hugging the newsletter of him to your chest, and with a slow shake of your head; you screamed so loud Zoro snapped awake from his nap, swords drawn like there was an ambush.
there might as well have been, because the news singlehandedly cracked the walls of reality for you. with stars in your eyes, you booked it to your room, preparing every single thing for the second the Straw Hats landed on the next island on route.
you spend an entire day. a full 24 hours making sure everything was perfect.
now, you very well knew that you might not even see him. after all, a marine mingling with pirates? that would crush his entire reputation. but the very thought made you swoon with a giggle so mischievous it put most pirates to shame. as if he was breaking the rules just to see you, even though that wasn't the case whatsoever.
Koby did not know you existed, not like how you waited every day for the sight of him on those stupid newsletters. newsletters you had a habit of swiping like a hoarder who didn't know how to let things go. newsletters you swore you'd beg your captain to have him sign under the pretext that Luffy wanted something to remember him with on his journey.
Luffy would do that for you, right?
nodding, you concluded that your captain would totally come in clutch.
and so, you had spent the entire day before you reached the island getting things in preparation. those newsletters? taken. every single one. you had a stack of them, almost the perfect size of you. your outfit? prepared with the greatest care you could imagine.
sure, your closet was a mess, but it was worth it.
even if you didn't speak to him or see him; you would be content just knowing you were in the same vicinity as Koby. you would not let this perfect gift from god pass. no way in hell.
you were so used to being able to ramble your friends ears off about Koby, questions Luffy had repeated with a laugh to the stars in your eyes at soaking up any bit of information to his friend. stories Luffy, Nami, and Zoro chuckled out when they first met him.
to you, those were always the best. it let you know about Koby before his glow up, and in some fangirl way; you felt like you knew him like you did the back of your own hand.
talking about Koby was like second nature by this point, it truly and honestly was. there wasn't a day you didn't go rambling about your love for him, or how sweet he was, or the way his voice sometimes cracked mid sentence that only added to his charm.
sure, people would say you were insane for choosing to be a fangirl of a marine rather than literally anyone else, but they didn't know Koby like you did. you were so enthralled by him, his heart of gold that made yours stir so happily in your chest, the small laughs you had seen on tv when he showed up to a battle that made your face blow up in steam. or the way he would nervously shy away when the cameras did point to him, how he'd awkwardly giggle while a bead of sweat slipped passed his brow.
you practically jumped in your spot, skipping along your way as you went to check out the shops the island you had stopped by on had to offer. you were holding his newsletter, his smile so cute you swore your tongue would fall off if you didn't start talking about him soon.
like a curse, every day without fail, you talked about Koby.
not because you wanted to, well- maybe that too. however, it was mainly because if you didn't, it felt like your soul would just up and leave your body. it was a want and need all at once. a curse you were happy had chosen you to torment.
the Straw Hats had split up to do their own things, and you had opted to go alone this time. mainly because you were scared if you stayed with another member, you would somehow run into the man of yours dreams.
a dream and nightmare all at once.
sure, talking about him was easy. as easy as breathing for you.
but talking to him?? there was no way you could.
you had put in so much effort to making sure you looked okay, just in case you know? but that didn't mean you actually wanted to come face to face with your idol and embarrass yourself. you just knew, knew that if Koby ever ran into you, your tongue would tie in on itself and there would be no hope of ever recovering.
just the thought made your heart leap in your chest, strangling itself with the rope of 'Koby obsession' as you smiled so wide you were sure your face would split in two. with a pep in your step, and a smile so big the merchants wondered what made a girl as cute as you so happy, you promised yourself to enjoy just being in the same area as your idol.
you were safe, no hope of embarrassing yourself and ruining all chances at anything with Koby.
then, your feet moved too fast and suddenly you were planting face first against a sturdy chest that smelled so good you were sure it was some kind of aphrodisiac made just for you. how could someone smell so good and be strong enough to feel every muscle beneath their clothes with just a touch. you winced, quickly stammering to hold your weight off him.
"im so sorry! i didn't look where i was going, and i promise," you nervously let out, face flushed from embarrassment. "ill treat you to something for the trouble. are your clothes dirty, oh my god-" you nervously laughed out. looking every direction to make sure Koby wasnt somehow around because that would seriously put you six feet under.
bright patterned bandanna, flower prints on them that were so cute you wanted to die. worn tied across his forehead, and purple round glasses you had called adorable so many times it was now an inside joke between the Straw Hats.
and suddenly, you were no longer safe.
screw the mortifying idea that Koby would see. this was worse. much, much worse.
this was the end of the world as you knew it.
he rubbed the side of his head softly, wincing with a smile that made your heart leap into your throat and eyes, putting even Sanji to shame. and that was saying something.
Koby gave a soft laugh, shaking his head as he peeked up at you. "no, its alright! don't worry about it at all.." he breathed out, words losing their strength as his eyes widening to the sight in front of him.
your face was red, lips turned into a painful smile and a sweat breaking out on you that somehow made you look prettier. Koby froze, breath shooting right back into his lungs as your hair framed your face from above him. you were pushing yourself up slightly from him, leaning on your hands to cushion the position.
you were still on top of him, and more than that, you looked like you were going to evaporate any second.
Koby felt the shift, eyes locked onto you with the world blurring into nothing but you. you blinked, and he swore he felt his heart jump start to life to the sight of you. you laughed, but it anything but smooth. anxious, nervous, as if you were trying to speak but nothing would come out.
unbeknownst to him, your mind had officially killed itself off.
Koby didn't see you embarrass yourself from the position of an onlooker, no, the world was never that nice to you. even though it really should have, because come on. had the world even seen your face? you could do no wrong!
the man of your dreams had watched you embarrass yourself. he had you tumble into him from your own excitement at the thought of him, throwing the both of you to the floor without mercy, and now had the unfortunate sight of you losing your mind on top of him.
unfortunate for you, but for Koby?
Koby felt like maybe Helmeppo was right.
there was a girl out there that existed from his dreams.
you watched his mouth part in slow motion, your face twisting in horror because if Koby started talking now- you would blow it. truly, you did not think you were capable of even making a crushed out wheeze come from your mouth.
your tongue had done the one thing you prayed it wouldn't.
the stupid thing tied in on itself. coward.
he stood first, helping you up gently and giving you a smile you had basically dreamed about for so long you pinched yourself. you felt the dull sting, and your hands froze right by your side.
"you aren't hurt are you?" his cheeks were warm, Koby knew it. he could feel it after all, the same warmth that made his heart weigh heavy in his chest at the dumbfounded look on your face. he faltered for a second, eyes searching yours desperately.
you couldn't even look him in the eye, and Koby wanted to wither away. there was no way he had crashed into his dream girl, just for her to not think he was attractive. Koby swallowed hard, hands suddenly clammy to your silence, and you discreetly peeked up at him before staring at the ground like it just insulted you.
the air between you was tight. painstaking, suffocating, and so awkward your skin was started to prick in embarrassment. he let out a breath, the sound making you jump, and he gave you a sad apology that made your mouth twitch into a smile.
he was so much cuter in person.
you clenched your hands into fists, shaking as if trying to hold a dog too excited for its own good. your eyes scanned the floor, and you flinched at the newsletter of him by his foot.
dont look dont look! god- DONT LOOK KOBY!
slowly, his eyes trailed to where you were drilling holes at, and his face met him from the floor. you froze, mouth slacked open and a smile that practically leaked out 'GUILTY' in all caps to him. he bent down to pick it up, his ears bright red and you melted to the floor in a shameless puddle of a love stricken fangirl.
this day could not get worse. please, god, don't let it get worse.
you felt your feet take a step back, a weak wheeze coming out that sounded close to a whistle. Koby stood, newsletter in hand and you wanted to both carve the sight into your mind for all eternity and disappear from the world all at once.
his face was red, matching your own and you could already see the stream coming from the air around you two. merchants were passing by like nothing had happened, but there was a small group hidden away, giggling to themselves like it was the funniest sight to behold.
things seemed to click into place, and Koby gave out a soft laugh that made your heart squeeze painfully tight in your chest. "so you're the girl Luffy sent me to get." your eyes widened to that, horror and fascination mixing into a potent stare that made Koby go nervous.
slowly, and very awkwardly at that, you dumbly nodded like that was your only means of communication. you almost died when his hand caught into yours, his other settling the newsletter that already sat signed into your palm. your eyes practically popped out of your skull, because when the hell did he even sign it?
your entire body felt like lightning had just struck it, and Koby felt like he had just found the most precious thing to grace this earth. even if you hadn't really said a word to him, just wheezes that sounded like you were dying, and nods that were so stiff he swore you were a robot; Koby thought it was cute. more than that, actually.
your hand shakily came to tuck the newsletter into your bag, where Koby saw the rest of them with a quick chuckle that made your skin prickle in love. "if its not too forward," he started, and you melted to the sight of his hand coming to hold the back of his neck. a shy smile you had only ever seen on the screens right in front of you now, with a strong blush on his cheek that made you feel just the bit relieved you weren't the only one nervous here.
"would it be alright if i treat you to some food?" he whispered out, his eyes turning to meet your own widened ones as you clutched your hands against your bag like a safety net. you felt the air in you get knocked out in a single question, your smile widening and making the nerves settle in Koby.
that was good right, if you were smiling that must have meant you found him at least the smallest bit attractive. "just the two of us?" if Koby thought you were cute through all that, you would never know the way his heart practically carved your name into itself at the sound of your voice.
it was sweet, riddled with nerves but so sure it left no room to second guess. the kind of voice Koby would no doubt carry with him when a battle got tough, like a lifeline to what was good in this world, Koby nodded quickly. smiling nervously as he walked next to you, he memorized the way your steps carried such an energetic bounce to them. the same kind of energy that had pulled you to him even when you were scared to, and the same one Koby silently admired next to you.
"i never got your name," he started, and you blinked next to him, gripping the strap of your bag tightly as you let out a nervous laugh. "its y/n," you nodded, smiling so hard it was starting to hurt. Koby paused for a second, pulling the walk into a calm stop before he blinked at you like you had grown two heads.
you tilted your head, and you felt eros kick your ass to the ground. "you're perfect." you were sure the very same god you thanked for Koby's existence was laughing their ass off this very moment. steam shot from your ears, face red and Koby watched you tumble to the ground without a fight.
as stiff as the second he saw you, smiling hard with your eyes closed as he merely caught you from reaching the ground with ease.
to be fair, Koby meant to say. 'you have a beautiful name' but love was never that easy. especially when it fell into a love at first sight category. and so, Koby gave a laugh as he carried you towards your ship. the food could wait, after all, he had two weeks with you to spend.
he had waited years to meet the girl of his dreams, and now that he did, Koby didn't mind waiting a day or two for her to recover from the sudden pass out to his words.
I need a dramatic scene with Hugo confessing his feelings about Varian to like… a squirrel or something. Zuko style. Like:
Hugo: (pacing and pulling at his hair as he rants) Hi Varian. How have you been this morning? Oh me? Yeah, good. Just peachy. Just wanted to say that… I’m a spy who’s working for the enemy that we’ve been fighting for a year now and every time I made a move on you it was to lower your guard down only that that didn’t happen because instead I decided to fall madly in love with you and now I have no idea how to break that to my boss because I don’t want to work for her anymore because all I really want is to be with you. Also she’s my adoptive mother. So yeah. Any thoughts?
And the squirrel just sits there and he like collapses to the floor because he has no idea what to do.
Summary— Calisto is now the man of the house after his father's death, the funeral pyre burning at the same time that Greece won a victory for which he fought. One afternoon he rides away from the Polis, seeking clarity by a small pond, but a noise catches his attention.
Warnings— Nymph!Reader, post-movie (and Greco-Persian Wars), Calisto angst and mama's boy, comfort, this is pretty fantasy but come on Xerxes literally went into magic water instead of dying of dehydration, mentions of war, violence and blood, short fluff smut, greek stuff. ENGLISH IS NOT MY FIRST LANGUAGE!!!
Notes— This movie is horrible. I remember watching it when I was more young and just not loving it. But Calisto is very handsome, and I love ancient Greece.
The war was over. The warriors had returned home. And Calisto had returned home to his beloved mother, now a widow.
He was the new man of the house.
There was war in his blood, he was a warrior like his father and his father's father. The responsibility fell upon his shoulders as quickly as his father had his funeral pyre and left his grandfather's shield and sword on the ground. And it weighed on him.
Some nights he would wake up exalted, his heart pounding, remembering his father's face, the moment he received those three arrows that took his life. The death had been avenged, but it did not take away the pain it had left behind, the tears he could not allow himself to shed in the camp.
And the most painful part was seeing his mother cry, seeing her linger in tears as if she were going to dissolve with them and leave him alone. Sometimes Calisto stayed awake longer than necessary and could hear his mother's distant crying, her heart breaking. It consumed him. Themistocles told him that he would now have a place at the table, that he had been brave and strong in battle, that he was a man his father would be proud of. But his mother's tears made all those achievements and victories seem like defeats.
One morning he took his horse, a precious gift that ran fast and was strong, and headed to the outskirts of Athens, deep into the nature in search of peace. The sun beat down on his face, making him squint, the galloping of the horse accompanied by the vast view of the surrounding plains. Callisto moved far enough away to see Athens become a small, distant dot, entering a small area of vegetation with trees and a pond.
Calisto dismounted his horse, letting it graze near one of the trees, while he approached the edge of the pond and sat down, looking at the water. His short chiton bunched around his thighs, his arms resting on his knees as he gazed out at the calm water.
There were no loud sounds, no clashing of spears and swords, no warmth of blood spilled in brutal attacks where limbs were torn off... No, there was only a natural silence. A moment of peace, that peace for which Calisto fought so hard in Salamis and Plataea, the same struggle that also brought his sorrow.
He shook his head, trying to clear his mind for inner silence.
"Oh, gods..."
He stepped back, the feeling of the tall grass prickled his skin but at the same time made him feel alive, his eyes looked at the immense sky where he thought the gods reigned when he was a child— maybe the gods have a good future in store for him, he tells himself.
But a noise interrupted the moment, the sound of his horse and also a low, barely audible melody.
Perhaps out of battle instinct or human nature, he sat down and looked in the direction of his horse, his muscles tensing, his heart beating hard in his chest. He could feel a chill run down his spine and goosebumps rise on his skin when he saw her there, standing with her back to him but attentive to the horse.
Her hair was as long as the current of a still river, and her hands caressed the horse with such gentleness that it seemed unreal. She seemed unreal.
Calisto did not move instantly, no, a part of him was paralyzed at the appearance of that beautiful maiden whose face he had not even seen but he could feel something strange and magnificent in her. He paid attention then, the soft murmur that made him react was, in fact, a song.
The kind of songs that are sung to children or during work, those that only use the voice and no instruments. With each verse that escapes the maiden's lips, Calisto feels drawn to her, almost in the same way that his horse relaxes and falls asleep under her touch.
Being careful not to make too much noise, he stood up and looked at her more closely— she was naked, with her skin cared for and unbothered, adorned with a crown of small leaves. She was divine, not human, and he didn't just speak about her song or the fact that she appeared out of nowhere, no, he felt it.
Before he even made another move, the maid turned her head toward him, her expression changing to surprise and amazement. Seeing her acting uneasy, Calisto could only raise a hand in an attempt to keep from letting her go, but her legs wouldn't move.
"Wait!" he said, his voice coming out like a plea he didn't even believe.
Calisto had already heard stories of men who, upon entering the forests, met beautiful maidens near old trees or ponds, always of exquisite and irresistible beauty— with the rosy cheeks of a virgin and in the flower of their youth. But he never thought he'd be able to see something like this in person.
"Please don't go, I won't hurt you—" he said quickly, moving closer but she took a few more steps away. "What are you? What's your name?"
He got no answers, which made him a little desperate. But he was patient, taking a few small steps closer, raising his hands as a sign that he was unarmed and in a gesture of peace.
"Maiden, you have made my horse tamer than I have ever seen, please let me know your name, you have the most beautiful hair and the most delicate face I have ever seen..."
Another silence, she looked at him attentively for a few seconds before looking at the horse again, carefully she came out from behind the tree where the horse was resting and allowed herself to be seen completely. Calisto would be lying if he didn't feel his insides twist when he saw her. Not only was her face beautiful and her hair sparkled like threads of gold in the sun, she also had the ideal body.
"You're a warrior," she said, reaching up to brush back the hair that fell over her chest. "I can feel it, you have war in your blood... But you also look so sad."
Divine. Calisto had already said it.
"The song you sang, I don't know it," he said quickly, moving closer but she took a step back indicating that he should keep his distance and he stopped.
"Obviously you won't know the song, it's foreign to you mortals."
"Oh."
"You are far from your people, in the wild. What are you looking for here, in my pond?"
"Your pond?" Calisto murmured and looked at the pond where he had just rested in search of peace. "I'm so sorry, maid, if I've offended you. I didn't mean to; I was just seeking silence."
"Silence about what?"
"My father recently died, my mother is heartbroken, and I'm the new man in the house. But my heart still aches from missing him," his eyes pricked at the corners, a hint of tears, his fists clenched tightly but he never took his gaze off that divine maiden.
She didn't give him words of comfort or a solution to his father's death or his anguish, she just nodded and approached him, her long hair swaying in the breeze. It wasn't him who approached; he had no power over her and her unmistakable divinity. He was mortal; she was a nymph.
He saw her stand in front of him at a considerable distance, he saw her face that enriches anyone's vision, her smooth skin, the curve of her figure. He felt weak but at the same time blessed to be able to see her.
"If your father died a hero, he will rest peacefully. Your lives are too short to suffer for the dead, for whom there is no longer any responsibility."
Calisto was speechless; it wasn't exactly what he wanted to hear, but it came from the mouth of someone superior in this world, and he couldn't refuse the advice.
Noticing the boy's clear discontent and regret, she tilted her head and looked at the pond from which she was born.
"Someday, when you are old and have lived, you will see it again if you were brave in life," she said.
She didn't offer him anything else, she simply walked to the edge of the pond and sat there, her long hair covering him like a blanket, her feet in the water that reflected the sky. Then she began to sing, it wasn't the same melody as before, now it sounded hoarser, more melancholic.
Calisto shuffled his feet until he sat down next to her. He didn't say anything, he just listened to her because he was blessed to be able to hear such a divine voice. The minutes passed, he doesn't remember well what happened between them— she lured him with her song.
First it was a touch of hands that turned into prolonged eye contact, then she kissed him so softly that if he hadn't been sitting he would have fallen onto his knees, the maiden's lips were soft and warm, her breath as fresh as his as they lay on the grass, their feet dipping into the pond.
She undressed him slowly, her touch gave electric shocks through his body lying at her mercy, her hands were extremely gentle and every time she saw a scar she stopped to trace a special one. She rode him and moaned, her warmth was so special, everything about her was special. Calisto remembers moaning without shame, joining his body to hers until he felt it like a combination of flesh and something sacred, between breath and sweat. He thrusts, she receives it, her hands on his chest while his on her perfect hips.
The smell of everything became sweet, the water in the pond was warm now, the sky didn't burn but rather gave a comforting embrace. She rode him until Calisto could feel himself on the edge, tears escaping his eyes before he finished.
Calisto wanted to kiss her skin and mark her with love bites as he lay on top of her after finishing and hugging her, but she wouldn't let him and urged him to return home safely. He understood that she was free, that she would not be marked by him, that beauty would be incorruptible.
He dressed again, looking at her with the expression of someone who falls under a spell and welcomes it with open arms. He mounted his horse and before returning home, she approached him.
She stood admiring him before speaking, then she removed the crown of leaves that adorned her head and gave it to him as one gives the olive wreaths of victory.
"For you, dear Calisto."
"Will we ever see each other again?"
He asked, a genuine question that she denied, though it gave him a slight hope.
"Only if you remain a good man, maybe I'll remember you."
It was very short, but I'm writing it instead of sleeping, so—
A/N: It's me again, I love this and I hope you do too. I know it’s been a while so I hope you’ll stop and read. Feedback always lovlies xo
Part Two
“Don’t do this.” Tears are gathering in your eyes as you pace back and forth across the living room. “Don’t do this.” The only thing that stops you falling to the floor is this, walking across the room and pretending your world isn’t caving in.
Miles sits on his side of the sofa, hands clasped together as a single tear slips down his cheek. His eyes are lowered to the floor. “I’m sorry.”
You rake your hands through your hair, barely holding yourself together as you try and breath around your grief. This is the end and you know it. This is the end but you can’t bring yourself to accept it and he can’t bring himself to say it so you stay here, stuck between these walls as the space between you fills with rage and betrayal. “Just think about this.” You turn to face him, dropping to your knees and resting your head on his leg. “Think about this. It’s me.” You say desperately, “It’s me.”
Miles twists the ring on your finger as he takes your hand, “I know.”
And something deep within you cracks wide open.
“You’re saying,” you can barely get your words out around your tears. “You’re saying that you don’t ever want to hold me again? That you don’t want to kiss me again or be with me again? That’s what you’re saying. You know that don’t you?”
He won’t even look at you. And you know you’re begging, something your mother told you never to do, and you know Mile’s will probably never look at you the same now but you can’t stop yourself. The rational part of your brain, the tiny bit of it that’s left, is screaming at you to let him go and let him leave with grace. But the rest of you, that heartbroken and hurt girl you were when he found you can’t let him go. Won’t let him go,
“I’m sorry.” He says again.
You’re sorry? That’s all you have to say? What - what are we then? Are we done? Just like that?” You can feel your voice rising and that sickening feeling of your heart sinking into your stomach. “Are we done?” You say again and this time you can’t help the tears that slip down your cheeks.
“I just,” he pauses and wipes a tear that tracks its way down his face. “I just think it’s for the best.”
“For the best?” You whisper and your voice is so hoarse and there is so much pain. “For the best?” You look up at him once more. “Please don’t do this. Please. Whatever it is we can get past it. I know we can.”
Miles shakes his head. “I can’t.” He says, “I can’t.”
He goes to stand and you shook to your feet, furiously wiping the tears from your cheeks. “Please don’t go. Please. We can just go to bed and talk about this in the morning. Please.”
He shakes his head again, “that’s not how it works.”
“But it can be.” You plead desperately. “But it can be. Please. Let’s just go to bed.” You know it’s done, you know you have seconds before he walks out the door but you want one more night with him before it ends. You want one more night tucked up beside him, feeling his arms around you, listening to how your heartbeats fall into sync when you’ve been beside each other long enough. You want to wake up before him and trace the lines of his face and kiss him until he’s awake and laughing. You know it’s over, you know that. But You want one more night, just one before it’s over for good. Just one.
“I can’t.” He says again. It seems that all he’s got to say to you now. Like he’s already removed himself from you while you stay stuck, entwined in someone that has no interest in you anymore. Trying to hold on to him while he’s already severed the tie.
He stands and makes for the door of the apartment and you can’t move, can’t follow him. The grief and the rage and the heartbreak is too much and it crashes into you again and again, relentless in its attack until your knees buckle and your sobbing on the floor, screaming into the silence as the door shuts and Miles disappears.
You vomit a few seconds later, tears burning as you tuck your knees to your chest and cry into the silence. You stare at the place Miles sat a few seconds ago, begging to someone, anyone, that hell reappear and you’ll crawl into his lap and tell him all about your nightmare. He’ll stroke your hair and kiss your forehead, telling you that he’d never do that to you, that he’d never leave you, that nothing could ever take him away from you.
Until now. Until he wanted to leave.
So when you open your eyes and find that his seat is still empty and the house is cold and his footsteps are gone, you take the photo frame nearest to you and hurl it across the room. The glass shatters, the frame with it and drops to the floor with a dull thud. You glare at the broken pieces, wiping away more tears. The photo is still intact and you force yourself off the floor to pick it up and meet the eyes of someone who is unquestionably in love with you. Twin smiles, a casual arm slung around your shoulders as you both grin toward the camera. You had framed this when you moved into the new apartment. It was the first thing you’d put up, before bringing the bed in or the toaster or your underwear. This photo, these smiles. This had been the most important thing in the world to you.
“Miles.” You sob, curling up against the wall and clutching the photo to your chest. You whisper into the empty room and hope he hears you from wherever he’s gone. “Please come home.”
But he doesn’t. The lights stay off and the hallway stays empty and you’re left with your grief and your rage, clinging to your heart and wondering if you’ll ever be okay again.
***
It takes you an hour to force yourself up and off of the floor. You leave the photo, letting it fall to the ground and any hope of Miles coming home with it. The next step is the bedroom, you suppose. Walking into that room where the two of you had woken up next to each other not twelve hours ago.
How could he do this.
How could he leave you here? How could he walk out and just let you deal with this alone. He doesn’t have to do this, have to walk into your bedroom and look at the bed you shared, the wardrobe still full of his clothes, the sheets still ruffled from the morning. He doesn’t have to trace the memories across the wall, watch past versions of yourself fall in love with him in every way imaginable. He doesn’t have to crawl into that bed, ravaged with pain and sadness, and feel so completely alone like he’s in some foreign land without you. No, he ran away and left you here. in fact, he just left you,
How could he do this.
But there’s no other choice as the clock ticks over to 2am and you know you’ll have to face it at some point. Maybe that does make you better than him, to have to face this head in and crawl into all of your memories. Or maybe it just makes you a fool. Either way, it’s so much better than walking back downstairs and back into that room, looking at the very place where he left you and trying to feel okay.
You settle into the bed but it’s only a few seconds before you’re tearing down the hallway and vomiting into the toilet. The idea that he’s not here, the thought of going back to that room and not having someone to wrap yourself into, not having Miles to pull you closer even as he sleeps, it has you emptying your guts into the toilet once again.
But this will be the hardest it will ever be, you tell yourself. This will be the worst night. If you can just get through this then the rest will be okay.
The thing is though, you’re not sure if you’ll ever get better. You can’t imagine a day where you’ll feel okay not having him in your life.
It’s these thoughts that follow you as you try and tuck yourself into bed. Your feet are cold without him beside you and you dig through a drawer to find some socks. This will be okay, you tell yourself. This has to be okay.
Your stomach drops again, that sickening feeling when your heart cracks just a little bit more and you bite back another sob, burying your head into Miles’ pillow. His smell still lingers and if you close your eyes hard enough, you can imagine him there. Tears leak from your eyes onto his pillow and you curl your hands into the sheets as hard as you can as silent sobs rack through your body. You’re not sure you e ever been in this much pain before, not sure if you’ll ever feel the same again. He was supposed to be the one, the one you married and had children with and grew old with, sitting on a porch swing together looking out into the street. It wasn’t supposed to be like this.
“It’ll be okay.” You whisper to yourself in the dark. “It will all be okay.”
But you don’t believe that. Not even for a second.
You roll over, flicking the lamp back on and staring out across the warmly lit room. You drag a hand across your face and glance to the side of the bed where Miles should be. You can’t bring yourself to sleep on it, to cross over that invisible boundary that you’ve painted for yourself. You reach for your phone, tears already building once again, and you bit back that familiar hot pain in your mouth as a sob escapes you and the tears begin to fall. You scroll for Ashton’s number. You know you haven’t seen him in ages, much less spoken to him or messaged him for that matter, but something in you knows he might answer, knows if he sees your name flash up on his phone just once that he’d want to speak to you. Maybe. But all you need right now is a maybe.
Two rings and then, “Hello?” His voice throws you off balance in a way that you didn’t expect and it’s weary and heavy with sleep.
“Hi Ash,” You reply softly.
He’s more awake then, an almost imperceptible sense of urgency to his voice. “Hey sweetheart.” And, god, that name, the care in his voice has something within you shattering all over again. “Is everything okay?”
“Yeah,” you quickly wipe a tear from your cheek, “yeah, I just wanted to say hi.”
There’s a rustle on the other end of the phone as if he’s sitting up in bed. “Okay.” He says, but there’s an edge of worry that touches his voice. “Has something happened?” He knows you haven’t called him up like this in months. He knows you pulled away from him and you hate that. And you know you only call him when you need something, or when you need him and you might hate that even more. You’re not even sure how it happened really, when you lost a friend who’d been by your side for most of your adult life. But it happened whether you wanted it to or not and you had to face that, you suppose.
The tears are falling faster now, tinging your lips with salt and you’re not sure why you ever thought you could hide this from Ashton. “No, no nothing’s happened. I just,” you take a shaking breath, “I just wanted to talk to you.”
“Okay sweetheart.” You can hear the sheets shift again and vaguely wonder what kind of night you’ve interrupted for him. “What do you want to talk about?”
“Well, how are you?”
He chuckles lightly. “I’m good. I’m on tour with the boys, so there’s chaos as usual.” He pauses and you know you’ll have to tell him eventually. “How are you?”
You’re shaking your head before he’s even asked the question, tears spilling down your cheeks. “We broke up.” You whisper down the phone and you can’t even get the words out without a sob following it. “He’s gone.”
Ashton’s quiet for a moment before he finally murmurs, “Sweetheart, I’m so sorry.”
“It’s fine.” You say with a forced laugh. “It’s all fine. “
“It’s not.” And you know if Ashton was here he would’ve taken you into his arms and given you that smile that seemed to make your world stop turning for a second. “It’s okay that it’s not. I know how much you wanted it to work.”
You nod as if he’s in front of you and cover your face with your free hand. “I really did,” you sob down the phone. “I really, really did.”
“I know, love.” The gentle hum to his voice makes you want to crack open again and just hand him all the broken pieces. “Have you slept?”
You shake your head, “I can’t.” You whisper, voice hoarse and broken. “I can’t.”
“Do you want me to stay on the phone with you?” Not even a thought, not even a hesitation from him to be with you when you need him, to help you through this. “Just until you fall asleep?” He asks.
You nod, balling the sleeve of your jumper into your mouth to stifle the sob that racks through your body. “Yes please.” The truth is though, you’d pay for him to still be on the phone when you wake up, to be there instead of this suffocating silence that you’re met with. But what he’s doing is already more than enough and it’ll keep you safe for tonight. That’s all you need. “Thank you.” You whisper.
“Anytime sweetheart.” He sounds tired as you sink down under the sheets and pull them tight to your chin. “You know that.”
“I know.” It’s barely a murmur but you know he hears you before you both drift off to sleep, Ashtons steady breaths keeping you company as you finally doze off.
***
You wake to cracks of sunlight splintering through the blinds and for a second you don’t remember. For a second, you don’t know anything is wrong. But then you reach for Miles and find his side empty, and everything slams back into you. Your phone is silent and you know Ashton hung up only when he had to. There’s a message waiting for you on your phone telling you to call him when he’s done with his show but for now the silence is crushing and you feel utterly alone.
It doesn’t take long for your tears to fall again, burning hot tracks into your cheeks as you reach for the bucket you put beside your bed and vomit whatever’s left in your stomach. It’s all you can do to drag yourself to the bathroom a moment later and stare yourself down in the mirror. There is a no trace of yourself in her eyes.
You check your phone and find nothing, no message or missed calls or anything you’d prayed for in the dark and twisted night you’d found yourself in. You still have his location and you look at that quickly, just to make sure he’s safe, you tell yourself, just to check.
You put your phone down, knowing you’re in serious of danger of becoming obsessive and move to the bedroom window. The apartment overlooks a forest that backs onto a small golf course. It was the perfect selling point at the time, private and secluded like a little safe haven for the two of you. But now the weight of the loneliness crushes down in you unlike you’ve ever felt before and you stare out at the trees, trying to stop the tears from falling again.
“What do I do now?” You whisper, breath fogging up the glass. “What am I supposed to do without you?”
You know it’s stupid, really. You know you should be able to have your own life without him and there’s plenty you can do but you feel so stuck and so fucking powerless. You have him everything you had and it apparently still wasn’t enough. You know that should make you furious but it doesn’t, in fact you just want to apologise and beg him for another chance.
How pathetic is that.
There’s a knock on the door then, and your heart soars. You race down the stairs and you’re so happy, so readyand when you open the door and lock eyes with him you miss the boxes that he’s holding and the look in his eyes that tell you he’d rather be anywhere else.
“Miles I-,” and then you see it, the reason he’s here. The only reason he’s here.
“Hi.” He says, and the look he gives you destroys whatever is left inside of you. “If it’s okay I’ve come to get my stuff.” You glance down to the boxes in his hand as his brother pulls along the curb. “Alex is here to help, if you don’t mind.” His brother gives you a small smile from his car but doesn’t make to get out and join the two of you. Clearly they had a discussion about how Miles was going to handle this before they got here, at the same time as you were crying and clinging to his pillow.
Miles brushes past you and steps into the house, heading toward the living room to retrieve his guitars and all the other crap he’s stored there over the years, “Miles,” you say quickly and catch his wrist. “Wait. Stop. Please.”
“What?” He sighs, looking at you like he doesn’t have any time for you anymore.
“Is there nothing I can do to fix this?” You plead. “Please. Just tell me what I can do. You don’t have to take everything today, just a few things that you need. Please, we can talk about this.” Maybe if he leaves some of his things here then he’d have to come back and you’d see him again. Maybe it would change his mind, leaving you like this.
Miles shakes his head “No. There’s nothing you can do. To be honest, I’m not sure why I’ve had to put up with this shit for four years.”
“Miles please, I didn’t know how you were feeling. You didn’t tell me. If I had known then I would’ve changed, I would’ve done something different I-”
He shakes his head and cuts you off. “Look, I’ve seen it how I’ve seen it and I just can’t move past it.” He shrugs and meets your eyes, “if you’d been better then maybe it would’ve been different.”
That. That was your heart shattering all over again.
“Please.” You beg quietly. “Please. We can work through this. This can’t be it.”
He pulls his arm free and your hand falls uselessly to your side as you follow him to the living room. “I’m sorry.” You meet his eyes then and realise you don’t recognise the person who’s looking back at you. He reaches down for his guitar case and frowns. “What the hell is this?” He asks as he picks up a shard of glass from the shattered picture frame.
“It’s glass.” You reply quietly. “I’m sorry.”
He sighs and picks his guitar case up. “I’ll have to throw this away. There’s too much of it in there.”
And there’s not, you know there’s not and you know that he could just pick it out but suddenly you’re blurting at him and begging him to let you help him. “No! Don’t do that. I can help you pick the glass out of it. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to I just, I just got upset.”
“Right.” He says.
And the way he looks at you, the smug expression on his face and the way he surveys the room with a raised eyebrow makes you want to rip your hair from your scalp and scream at him. This pain, this unrelenting pain that just won’t stop punching you in the gut hovers above the two of you, replacing the love that you once shared and you don’t understand how the person standing before you is the man you were once willing to die for.
Miles zips his guitar into the case and slings it across his shoulder. “I’m just going to get Alex to help me get some of this stuff out.”
“Okay.” You find yourself saying, staring at the floor as he passes you and wondering when he decided he hated you quite so much.
The door slams and you bite back that familiar hot pain in your throat as your tears threaten to fall. Not here,your mother would say, not yet. You fall apart when he’s gone. But Miles knows exactly what he’s done to you, exactly how worthless he’s made you feel and he’s practically counting on the fact that you’ll fall apart in front of him and prove him right. And you’re not entirely sure if you can stop yourself.
The door opens again and Miles walks back in, followed by Alex who gives you a sad smile and opens his arms ever so slightly to you as Miles disappears up the stairs. You’ve always liked Alex and you never imagined that you’d be saying goodbye to him in this way. You fall into his open arms and he rubs your back in a gentle circle. “Hey stranger.” He murmurs. “How’re you doing?”
“I’m fine.” You lie through your tears. “I’m sorry.” You pull away and give him small smile “I’m going to go and help him.”
Alex opens his mouth to protest but you’re already on the first step. By the time you make it to your bedroom, Miles has emptied the wardrobe and most of the drawers, shoving his clothes into plastic bags. You take a pile of clothes and stuff them into one of the boxes laying on the floor. The two of you work in miserable, angry silence until half of the room is emptied of Miles’ clothes and the bare section of the wardrobe makes you want to scream.
“Is that everything you need from up here?” You ask hoarsely, fighting to keep your tears at bay. This is the last of his things and you can hear Alex’s car starting up outside.
“Yeah that’s it.” You take two of the bags and follow him down the stairs like a lost puppy, tears spilling over despite your protests. You take a breath and when that’s not enough you take another one and balance yourself against the banister as you watch Miles walks out of the door and to his car. Your knees threaten to buckle as you look around, seeing the bare spaces where his things had once been. You’d worked so hard to make this house a home for the both of you and he’d torn it apart in a single afternoon.
You force yourself away from the stairs and a breeze stings your burning cheeks as you step outside. Miles opens the trunk of his car and tosses the bags in, wordlessly taking the box from your hands. The trunk clicks shut with such a grim finality it threatens to make your knees buckle and Miles turns to you with tears lining his eyes.
“Bye.” He murmurs and you can’t decide if you want to punch him or kiss him. He pulls you toward him, wrapping his arms around you and your knees do buckle then. You let him hold you in place for a second and you’re sure he pulls you in tighter as you try to step away.
“Why did you do that?”
“Do what?”
“Why did you pull me back in.” You shake your head as the tears fall. “You don’t have to go.” You whisper.
Miles gives a long sigh and rakes a hand through his hair, “stop reading into everything.” Is all he says and he pulls away completely, leaving you standing there, wind ripping across your face, tears burning your skin as he opens the door to his car. “Bye.” He says again and then his engine is starting as he driving down your street and away from you for good.
You stand paralysed for a moment, ignoring that pain that is tearing through you, ignoring the way your stomach has dropped again and how hole is burning the back of your throat. You can’t stay here, staring after a car that isn’t going to turn around and so you turn around and walk back into the house, closing the door softly behind you.
And you regret it as soon as you do.
The silence is deafening and it crushes into you with such force that you have trouble breathing. You slide down the door, bringing your knees to your chest as you sob again. You’re so tired, feeling like there’s no escape from this. And you’re so tired of crying, of your eyes turning puffy and your cheeks burning with shame and grief, of the onslaught of memories that make you meet Miles’s eyes in your head over and over again. There’s something inside of you that has been broken so deeply, you’re not sure if you’ll ever be able to fix it.
When you finally wipe your eyes and rise from your spot on the floor, the sun his beginning to set over the trees. You unlock your patio door and step outside, letting that cool breeze dry your tears and soothe your burning face. The sky has shattered into light pinks and orange, bleeding slowly across the horizon and you know now there’s nothing for you to do but face reinvention. But you’re not ready and you’re not sure you’ll ever be ready. There’s an avalanche of memories in your head now, spilling over one another and all you can see is the laughter and the love you shared, how he held you at night, how he gently stroked your hair, how he kissed your hands. And there’s nothing to do now but drown in them.
You run your hands over your face before raking them through your hair and staring back up at the sky. You want to sink into the earth and fade out of existence until you can be sure to wake without the feeling of your stomach dropping, and without the gnawing feeling of grief that seems to be eating through your stomach. You lease a sigh and don’t bother to stop the tears that fall from your eyes. There’s no point, after all, no point in pretending that you’re happy and ready to face whatever chapter might be next when you’d rather have lightening smite you where you sit.
There’s nothing worse, you decide as you walk back into the house, than the absolute silence that folds over you as you softly shut the door. You’ve never felt worse, never felt like the tears won’t stop falling as you keep reaching for your phone to find nothing. Like you’ll never be whole again when you peak into the living room and see large spots of it empty. Like you don’t belong here, not without him.
You can’t be here. It’s too much, you can’t sleep in the bed you’d shared just hours ago. You can’t sit in the same spot of the sofa and pretend that he never sat beside you. You can’t go into the kitchen without walking barefoot across the floor and not have him reaching for you, picking you up and taking you in his arms. You can’t do any of it. You can’t be here.
Fresh tears stain your cheeks and you scroll to find Ashtons name in your phone as you sink to the floor. It rings only once this time and then he’s there, his voice clouded with concern so clear you could almost see him frowning.
“Hi.” You say, so small you can barely hear yourself, and then your voice is breaking all over again.
Ashton comforts you while you sob to him, and when you apologise and cry some more, he tells you that if doesn’t matter, that you could cry as long as you want and he’d still be right there and listen to you.
“I just…I just can’t be here, you know? In this house, in this place.” You shake your head. “I feel so stupid. I feel so fucking worthless.”
You can almost feel Ashtons rage. “Don’t. It’s not your fault. None of this is your fault. “
“It is.” You sob, wiping your face with the back of your hand. “It is. He told me if I had just been better, if I had tried harder then he’d still be here and this wouldn’t have happened. I ruined it. I torpedoed our relationship and I-”
“Stop.” Ashton says gently, “take a breath, sweetheart, please.”
“This is all my fault.” You whisper helplessly, bringing your knees to your chest. “This is all my fault.”
“This has nothing to do with you.” He murmurs. “I promise you, what he did and what he said, it has nothing to do with you.”
You scoff and there is something like rage that simmers within you. “So what’s it about then, Ashton? Because it sounded to me that Miles doesn’t love me anymore and I pushed him away. That I forced him to leave. That I ruined this!” Ashton is quiet for a moment and it is only then you realise you’ve yelled at him, sent poisonous words to exactly the wrong person. “I’m sorry.” You mumble when the silence becomes too much and you think you’ll drown in it all over again. “I’m sorry.”
Ashton sighs, “Don’t be, love. It’s alright.”
“I just can’t be here.” You whisper again. “This fucking place. I can’t do it.”
“I know.” Ashton murmurs and pauses. “You could come here.” He offered quietly.
You’re nodding before he’s even finished his question. “Yes.” You breath and finally, finally a smile breaks across your face, even as your eyes still burn. “Yes, okay.”
He laughs and you join him, a true sound from deep within you, something like joy surfacing from the wreckage. “I’m in London. Is that okay?”
“Ash, yes.” Because the truth is, he could’ve said he was on the moon and you still would’ve raced towards him, it still wouldn’t have mattered. You take a deep breath expecting him to change his mind and you start to flinch away from the phone as you say, “Are you sure?”
And nothing happens expect Ashton soft laughter and reassurance, “I offered, didn’t I?” He asks and it’s so fresh and such a change that you can’t bring yourself to say anything as a set of fresh tears track down your cheeks.
“Yes.” You say quietly, after a moment, after you manage to catch your breath. “I guess you did.”
“I’ll see you soon then sweetheart, okay?”
“Okay.” You whisper, quickly wiping your hand across your face as you hang up the phone. A moment later, a text from Ashton appears with your flight details. The plane that will leave in three hours and carry you far, far away from this nightmare.
You glance at the screen again and find you haven’t texted Ashton in almost a year. Hell, you haven’t spoken to Ashton in almost a year. The guilty floods through you before you can stop it, remembering the look of absolute hurt on his face when you told him you could talk to him anymore, how he still walked you home to say goodbye for the last time. And how you let him, how you watched him go with that crushed look on his face and didn’t go after him.
“What do you mean?” And that look on his face is pure hurt, almost like you’re watching his heart crack.
You twist your ring nervously, not meeting his eyes. “I don’t think I can talk to you anymore.”
“What do you mean?” He repeats and when you can’t find the strength to look at him, he rests his finger under your chin and gently tilts your face upwards to meet his. It breaks your heart to find his eyes are shining
Your own tears begin to fall and Ashton doesn’t hesitate to catch them with his finger, softly tracing your cheek as he stares at you. “Miles doesn’t want me to talk to you anymore.” You whisper. “He thinks I’m getting too close to you. He doesn’t think I’m prioritising our relationship.”
Ashton scoffs, “prioritising the relationship?” He asks. “Is he prioritising it when he goes behind your back with the girl he works with? Does he think about you then?”
“Please don’t get upset, Ash.” More tears now, faster, heavier and you can feel something in your soul shattering. This isn’t right, you know this isn’t right but Miles isn’t happy and if he leaves you you’ll be left with nothing, you’ll be nothing. “It’s just for right now.”
He shakes his head in disbelief and l you don’t miss when he turns to the side to swipe furiously at his face. “It’s not. I knew he wouldn’t let this go.”
“I don’t like this either.” You say, voice thick with tears. “I swear, I don’t want this.”
“So why are you letting it happen?” You know he’s trying hard not to raise his voice, know you’re so used to it and you’ll flinch away if there’s even an indication that he’s angry with you. “Please, sweetheart. You-” he cuts himself off with any other shake of his head and takes a breath. “I can’t lose you, okay? You mean too much to me.”
And he’s so close, he’s so close that it would be so easy to reach forward and kiss him, to let him take you in his arms and take you away from here, away from the rage and shame that will meet you inside, that seems to always hang between the walls of that house. But you take away step away instead and watch Ashtons face as it crumbles into pieces and you feel your last glimmer of hope steadily fade away.
“It’s just for right now.” You whisper again.
Ashton stares at you so hard you think you might melt into the ground. Rage and pain war across his face and absolute detestation fills his eyes. When he speaks again, when he’s watched more tears track down your face but doesn’t move to catch them, you know he’s going to leave. He’ll do that for you, he’ll walk away if he thinks you need that, if he knows it would cause you more pain to stay. But still, his voice is raw as he murmurs, “I’ll still be here. If you need me.” He meets your eyes again but he doesn’t reach out. “If you ever need me.”
You nod and you nod and it doesn’t erase the pain and you don’t expect it to. “I know.” You voice is barely more than a whimper. “I promise. I know.”
“Okay.” And god, he sounds so defeated, clear pain plaguing his every move. He takes a step toward you and takes your face in his hands. And for a moment you pray that Miles comes home, that he catches you and he does kick you out because you know Ashton would take you in a heartbeat, would save you in a heartbeat. But he doesn’t, and the only sound is you’re ragged breathing and Ashton as he leans forward and gives you a gentle kiss to the forehead. He opens his mouth but his words don’t come out, like he can’t bring himself to say goodbye, like it would mean too much. Instead, he gives you a smile that cracks your very being in two and finally steps away from you.
You watch as he gets into his car and wipes at his face again before he his car rumbles to live and he’s driving down the road and away from you. And away from you.
You stand there, staring at where he’d been stood, watching the road and praying and wishing that his that his car would come back and he’d come toward you with that fury and take you and kiss you and promise you that no one would hurt you again. You stand there and stare until a car comes come toward you but it’s Miles behind the wheel and he’s already frowning as he stops his car and gets out.
You’ve never wished for Ashton more.
“Hi.” You whisper and you wish your voice wasn’t so hoarse, wish it wasn’t about to give you away. There’s only one thing to do, you suppose. And that’s to come clean and tell him. That will be better than him finding out, you decide. “Good day?”
“It was okay.” He pushes past you and you scramble to follow after him. “You look upset.” It’s not a question. Miles takes a beer from the fridge and you shut the door gently behind you. You make sure it’s not locked, just in case, you tell yourself, just in case it gets too bad again.
“Yeah, Ashton was here.” Miles whips round, rage flaring in his eyes and you fall over your words as you say “but I told him, I told him we couldn’t talk anymore. That I couldn’t see him, I mean.”
Miles nods slowly and puts his beer on the counter. “Okay.” He says slowly, “so why are you upset?”
“Because he’s my best friend.” You frown. “I didn’t want to do that.” Brave. This was very brave.
“You mean you didn’t want to lose your little flirting buddy.” Miles shakes his head and chides, “do I really mean that little to you?”
You shake your head furiously. “No, no! That’s why I did it, that’s why I told him.”
Miles raises an eyebrow and nods. “Okay.” He walks towards you and places a sloppy kiss on your cheek. “I’m proud of you, baby.”
You can’t bring yourself to smile. “I was wondering if you could do something for me, then.”
“Sure baby.”
You should just quit while you’re ahead, really. You should take the victory. “Maybe you could stop hanging out with Hannah so much.”
And when Miles stops dead in his tracks, you know you’ve gone so dangerously wrong. “I’ve told you,” He clips, “Hannah is just a friend.”
You nod. “I know, I know. It’s just, you text her as soon as you get up and then you go to work with her and then you text her until you go to sleep. And you go to lunch with her every day. I just thought-”
“You just thought what?” He snaps and you have to will yourself to stop shaking. “You just thought that because I finally have a female friend at work that I want to sleep with her? Really? God, I thought you’d be happy for me, that I finally have someone to hang out with. You’re always saying that I shouldn’t eat at my desk, that you don’t want me to be so lonely. If anything I’m doing this for you. I’m doing this to make you feel better, I don’t want you to be upset thinking about me all alone. God, can’t you see that?”
You’re shaking now as his voice rises. “I know, it’s just I stopped seeing Ashton. I thought maybe you could curb it a little bit so it could just be us at home? So you’re not texting her while, you’re sat next to me?”
Miles shakes his head and then he’s laughing and it’s so cold it chills your bones. “I can’t believe this. I ask you to stop seeing a guy who is clearly wants to fuck you, but me having a friend and a good co-worker is just too much? It’s too much for you? She is just a friend. And I can text who I want. You can’t. Not when he acts like that. Not when he makes eyes at you. I’ve seen him, you know. Don’t think you can hide it from me. Fuck, maybe I should just go if you’re so unhappy.”
“No! No, no. I’m sorry, you’re right" you shake your head and force the tears to stay at bay. “You’re right, I’m so sorry.”
Miles gives you a gentle smile and tucks your hair behind your ear. “You’re lucky to have me, you know that? I’m just looking out for you. Who else is going to do that?”
“I know, I know.”
“Someone else might treat you like trash,” he strokes up and down the side of your face, like he knows where Ashton wiped your tears earlier, like he’s trying to erase him completely. “I would never treat you like that. I’m just trying to give you what you deserve. I love you. You know that don’t you?”
“I love you too.” You whisper back. “I’m so sorry. I never should’ve-”
Miles shushes you and pulls you closer. “It’s alright, baby. It’s okay. I love you, I’m just looking out for you.”
You let out a breath. “I know. I’m so sorry.”
Miles holds you until you tell him you’re going to shower, that you want to get the feel of this day off of you. He takes you by the hand and leads you to the bathroom where he lights a candle for you and peppers your face with kisses until you’re giggling and your heart is soaring.
Later, you hear him on the phone to Hannah and watch over his shoulder as he messages her well into the night. And when you go to view Ashtons Instagram page in the comfort of your closet, you find an empty space, like he’s been scrubbed from existence, like, despite what he said, he doesn’t want to hear from you again.
You can’t say you blame him.
You stare at that empty page until the sun peaks through the blinds, and you’re left with everything you must face.
You stare at the empty duffle bag as tears roll steadily down your cheeks and you can still feel the heat from that fight, can still feel the emptiness and defeat that plagued you when you saw Hannah’s name on his phone. Maybe you should’ve left him then, if you were smarter or stronger or better than maybe you would’ve. But you didn’t, you stayed there and you let him treat you like that, let him make you feel like you were worth absolutely nothing until it just felt normal for you. Until you couldn’t tell that you were in the one place you’d sworn to yourself you’d never end up.
God, you don’t even recognise yourself.
And maybe it’s that, knowing how deeply you’ve actually lost yourself, that spurs you to start stuffing clothes into the bag. You take the books from your nightstand and hurl them in, gathering up your pills and your makeup and throwing them in too. You leave everything else and you know you can deal with this mess at the airport or in London but somewhere that is not here. You don’t want this to follow you to across an ocean. You can’t let it.
You shoulder your duffle bag and take one last scan around the room before you head down the stairs. It’s still a mess and it’s still so empty but you don’t care. You can’t bring yourself to care, you just walk out of the door and don’t turn back.
***
The airport is crowded by the time you arrived and it takes you an hour to get through security and finally into the concourse. It hits you then, that the last time you were here you were with Miles. And after everything you told yourself, after all the promises you made when you left the house, not only will Miles follow you across the ocean, but he’ll also follow you to your seat on the plane.
It’s like people can see the thundercloud that hovers above your head as you cross the airport alone. Or maybe you’re just imagining it because you’re just so lonely and you can’t imagine being here if it’s not with him. You lean against the wall and let out a heavy breath, cowering away from your own memories as your eyes lock onto the spot where the two of you sat, laughing and planning the trip to Rome.
“What do you want to eat?” Miles asks, casting a glance around the airport. “I guess Burger King would be okay for your allergies, right?”
“Perfect.” You grin at him, looking up from the webpage for tours around the Vatican City. “I’m excited to get in the mood, maybe we should dress up as nuns or something?”
Miles glances at you, “Nuns?” He asks and you’re not quite sure whether he’s following along with the joke or he thinks you’re stupid. He toes that line very well. But you don’t mind, he’s planned this trip to Rome, he’s paid most the expenses and you feel like the luckiest girl in the world. So what if he doesn’t get your jokes?
“You’re right,” you say quickly, playing it safe, deciding that he might not think you’re stupid but you don’t want to risk an insult or fight that follows. Not here, not at the airport where all these people can see you, who will realise how generous Miles is to even look at you twice. “Here,” you grab desperately for his attention to distract him, “check out these restaurants I found.”
“They look perfect, babe.” He smiles and rests his head on your shoulder. “I’m so excited for this trip.”
You let out a sigh of relief and the pressure in your stomach subsides. You slouch down in the seat and Miles drapes a hand across your shoulders as your heart beats back into a steady rhythm.
Your phone buzzes and a text from Ashton appears just in time and it rips you so violently from that memory that you have to brace a hand against the wall and steady yourself. You look down, to see he’s wishing you well and telling you he can’t wait to see you. It’s true, in part, that you can’t wait to see him either, that the trip will be a great distraction and it’s been too long since you’ve seen him. But there’s something bigger that sits in your chest flattening that feeling of excitement that’s aching to call Miles and tell him about the journey and the destination and what’s going on. And you know he doesn’t care, you know that, but somehow it still doesn’t matter to you.
The boarding call for your gate sounds, and you decide that maybe your decision making will be better on the other side of the world. You take hold of your bag and make that long walk toward the gate, trying again and again not to feel the weight of your world crumbling to pieces, even as it weights so heavily on your shoulders.
***
It turns out that, for you, twelve hours of travel and a broken heart does not make for good decision making whatsoever. The wheels haven’t even hit the tarmac before you’re pulling your phone out and checking for a signal.
You hurry off the plane with everyone else and find a quiet spot before you get to the arrivals gate. Ashton already said he’d be running late because of traffic and it gives you a perfect window to call Miles.
The phone rings too many times when you call and that hole in your heart just gets bigger and bigger when you remember how he used to pick up on the first try.
“Hello?” His voice makes you freeze and suddenly this is the worst idea you’ve ever had. “Hello.” He says again, his voice grating with agitation.
“Hi.” You say quietly.
And there’s a pause you don’t expect from him. “Oh.” He says and you can feel your entire body deflate. “Hi. Are you okay?”
“Yes.” You say quickly, “yeah I’m okay. I’m actually in London.”
“Oh cool.” Again and again he delivers his blows so effortlessly. “How come?”
“I’m here with a friend.” You say quickly. “But I just wanted to call you, to talk.”
“Okay.” He says. “How is it?”
“It’s good. It’s a little strange but it’s good.” You pause and take a breath to try and stop yourself because you know what you’re about to do won’t achieve anything and it’ll just make you feel worse. But his voice has such a tight grip on you, the image of him listening to you, eyes softening, reconsidering everything is right at the forefront of your mind. So you tip your head back to stop your voice from breaking and whisper down the phone, “I just wanted to say I’m sorry.”
Miles laughs and it punches straight through whatever is left of you. “You’re sorry? Okay.”
“I am, I just… I don’t know I just wanted you to know I’m sorry, I’m so sorry for making you feel the way you did and for ruining our relationship. I didn’t mean to, you have to know I didn’t mean to and I want to fix it, I really, really want to fix it. I’m sorry.”
Miles sighs, “is this why you called me? I don’t want to do this with you again.”
“Yes. Yes and no.” You know you sound so desperate and it kills you that you’re doing this as Ashton is getting ready to welcome you with open arms. But you can’t help it, you can’t help the apologies that keep spilling from your lips, even as you’re questioning whether you’re actually sorry and whether you actually have anything to apologise for. “Listen, I just want you to give me another chance. Please. Please just give me another chance. I just, I know I can be better. I want to be better and I’m so sorry about everything but you have to see it from my perspective a little bit, don’t you? I just— “
“No,” Miles cuts you off, “I don’t have to see it from your perspective. I told you how I feel and I just don’t see it changing, okay? I just can’t get past it.”
“But we can get past anything if we love each other enough.”
Miles scoffs, “What, did you rehearse that line with your mum?”
“No.” You murmur and you can feel the tears starting, “but it’s true.”
Miles sighs again, “Why did you call me? Why are you doing this?”
“Because you broke my heart!”
“I know.”
The words echo through you and you’re certain they shatter you from the inside out.
“Oh.” You whisper. “Okay.” Your phone buzzes and you know it’s Ashton telling you he’s here. “I guess I better go then.”
“Yeah,” Miles says, “I hope the trip goes well for you.”
And then the dead silence fills your ears and you wish you’d just stayed home.
It’s your soul, your very being, that splinters, you’re sure of it. The fabric of everything just comes apart at the seams.
You broke my heart.
I know.
You duck into a bathroom before too many people can see you and cower in a stall until you can get control of your tears. You know Ashton is waiting, probably worried now but doesn’t want to invade what he might correctly guess as a meltdown. It was so easy for Miles to leave you and you just let him prove it again. You just let him break you in two again, while someone else who cares about you so much more is anxiously awaiting your arrival at the gate.
You wipe at your face and drag your hand through your hair, trying to take some breaths, praying that you don’t look like the mess you feel. You step out of the stall and walk slowly toward the mirror. It’s been half an hour now and you know you need to go.
You leave the bathroom, tugging your hair into a ponytail and deciding to blame jet lag for your swollen and baggy eyes. You wouldn’t be surprised if Ashton is able to see right through it though, he’s always known you just as well as you know yourself. Maybe better.
Your heart hammers as you reach the arrival gate and you’re so nervous that the carpeted floor beneath you starts to spin with each step you take. But then you make it through the doors and down the ramp and see his smile and his eyes and everything inside you just melts away. And you’re not sure how he does it but his arms are around you before you can even get a word out and you just lean into his touch, fall into his touch and something feels right for the first time in days.
“Hey sweetheart,” he murmurs against your hair, and places a gentle kiss on the top of your head as he pulls away. “I’ve missed you.”
And, god, you’ve missed him too. You’ve missed how his smile, how his eyes light up when he talks, how he holds you and makes you feel safe and so at home, even though your entire world has just crumbled beneath your feet.
“Hi Ash.” You breath. “I’ve missed you too.” He doesn’t hesitate to pull you into another hug at that and you let him.
After a moment he pulls away and studies you at an arm’s length. “How are you?” He frowns, “are you okay?”
“I’m alright.” You smile weakly, “my egos a little bruised, but I’m okay.” Ashton nods but doesn’t say anything else. There’s this horrible awkwardness that’s hanging above you, just out of your reach and you know why it’s there, know why he might be a little apprehensive. You want to apologise but something in you tells you it’s just too early, that you should at least see the day out before you drag him into another horrible conversation. That’s how you left things, after all, that was the last time you’d seen him.
But god, he still looks good and he doesn’t look any different except for the red hair that he’s seemingly growing out. You’d seen one photo, on Calum’s page, and you had to admit that you loved it, even if it was too bold for you. Even if Miles saw the photo later and told you no one had ever looked so stupid.
“I like your hair.” You mumble finally, dragging Ashton from his daze. His bright smile is back and he tugs at the end of it.
“Yeah, something I was trying.” He shrugs and takes your bag from your shoulder. “So, what’s up first? Sleeping or eating?”
You smile and loop your arm through his. He grins down at you. “I wouldn’t complain if we had something to eat.”
Ashton nods thoughtfully. “Actually, I think I have the best of both worlds.”
And so you walk arm in arm from the airport, you feel something within you beginning to mend. Slowly, carefully, but it’s there, and you finally feel alive.
***
Two hours later and you’re sitting on Ashtons hotel bed, eating the biggest plate of room service you’ve ever seen. ‘This is the best bowl of pasta I’ve ever had,’ you declare, grinning at Ashton, “Maybe it’s because it’s British.”
Ashton laughs, “You know what it reminds me of? That time we tried to make that lasagna in your apartment.” He snorts into his plate, “we almost burnt the place down.”
“I remember! And if memory serves that was your fault.”
“No!”
“Yes!” You point your fork at him dramatically, “you burnt the sauce to the bottom of the pan. I’ve never seen anyone do that before.”
Ashton gasps and points right back at you, “That was you!”
You shake your head and it feels so good to laugh, to feel something like joy sparking within you. “It was so you.” You say, “but it was a good day.”
“It was a great day.” Ashton agrees.
You’re quiet for a moment, comfortable silence hanging over you. “So, how is London?” And you know you’re putting off the inevitable conversation, you can see it in Ashton’s face but he humours you anyway. That’s what he does, that’s what he’s always done, made you feel comfortable. Made you feel safe.
“It’s cool. Good night life, shit weather.” You both glance to the rain hammering on the window of the hotel. “But I like it and the food isn’t that bad.”
You nod, “From what I saw it just looked like a lot of rain.”
“Yeah, that seems to be pretty normal here. Locals don’t mind though and I actually think it’s kind of beautiful.” You nod again and that silence falls, heavier this time. “So are we going to talk about it?” Ashton says quietly. “I mean, that’s why I invited you out here.”
“What?” You laugh quietly, “for me to cry about my relationship.”
Ashton shrugs and gives you a small smile. “Might not be the worst thing in the world for you to do.” He lays his hand gently over yours and you fight the urge to pull away, to tell him you can’t because Miles won’t like that. But then it hits you all over again that it doesn’t matter anymore, that Miles doesn’t care and likely never did, that you were just marking time for him in his twenties. That maybe, if you’re honest with yourself, you didn’t matter that much to him at all.
“It feels like I’ve just been cracked open.” You say and your voice is so quiet that you can barely hear yourself. But Ashton nods and you take a breath to combat the chasm inside of you, the gaping hole that Miles left when he tore your heart clean out of your chest. “It’s all my fault. It is. I torpedoed our relationship. I blew it up. The best thing in my life, the person who I went to for everything. I just, I just ruined it. But maybe he’ll come back, you know?” You look at Ashton desperately, tears in your eyes. “Maybe he’ll realise what he’s lost and he’ll realise how much I loved him and he’ll come back, right? Maybe he will?” Ashton takes a breath but doesn’t say anything. Your heart sinks, you can feel it falling down and down, “You don’t think he will?”
Ashton sighs. “Listen, sweetheart. I don’t want to say anything that’s going to hurt you. It’s the last thing I want to do, okay? Truly.”
You wipe your eyes furiously. “But?” Ashton sighs again and lets his eyes fall closed. “What, Ash? Say it, I can handle it.”
You both know that you can’t handle it, that you are as delicate as maybe you’ve ever been and it’s so different to anything he’s ever seen you go through. He’s never seen you like this, ready to break, already halfway there. But maybe you do need to hear it and maybe he needs to be the one to tell you, to save you from some of the pain that’s rolling around in your head. “I don’t think he’s coming back, love.” Ashton whispers gently. “I’m sorry.”
You shake your head and more tears spill down your cheeks. “I just don’t understand. Four years. Four years where we built a life together, were I loved him more than I’ve ever loved anyone else and he promised me” you voice cracks and you take a breath, “he promised me that he was in my life to stay. That he was there for me for good and that it was us against the world. He promised me, Ash.” and the desperation in your eyes when you look at him is almost too much for him to handle. “I just don’t understand what I did. I tried my best. I did my best.”
Ashton takes your hand and meets your eyes. “This isn’t about you, love. It isn’t.”
“Then why,” you sob and you almost fall as you lean forward, burying your head in his chest and trying desperately not to think about Miles, about how Ashton smells different, feels different, how it’s not the same. “Why did he leave me?” You mumble into him. “Was I really that bad? I didn’t mean to ruin everything. I really tried my best.” And god, you hate that desperation in your voice and you hate how you know it’s not you, how you know he’s turned you into someone you don’t recognise. Ashton knows it too, he bristles every time you say Miles’ name, stiffens when a fresh wave of tears come caused by someone who took you away from him in the first place, who left you as a shell.
Ashton rubs circles on your back as he holds you and sighs. “I don’t know.” He says. “I don’t know, I’m not in his head. But I know if he’s making you feel like this then it’s probably for the best he’s gone now.”
You nod silently, finding the strength to sit back up and meet his eyes. “I guess.” You mumble. “But listen. Just think for a second. Do you think he’s going to come back to me? Do you think he’ll realise what he gave up, that I really was the one? Do you think he knows? Do you think he regrets it?”
Ashton hesitates and you know he’s getting ready to let you down again, to clue you in on the truth that you so desperately need but you just can’t face. “Listen,” he says carefully, and you hate how gentle he is, how scared he is to hurt you any further. “I know you want answers but,” he sighs and runs a hand over his face, ‘but I just don’t know, sweetheart. I just don’t know and I wish I did. I wish I could give you some answers or the truth or something to help you rest a little easier,” his eyes soften as he looks at you, “but I can’t, love, I’m sorry.”
Your heart plummets again then. It doesn’t feel like a new feeling anymore. A fresh tear slips down your cheek and you’re just so tired.
“But” Ashton says and your perk back up, just to be crushed by that pitying look in his eyes. “I know that when you love someone, it is so special and so rare. Anyone would regret loosing that.” you look down and Ashton reaches out, gently lifting your chin with his thumb. “I promise.” He says. “I promise you.” And then he adds softly, so softly you almost don’t hear him, “I would.”
You meet his eyes then and something flickers, something you don’t quite recognise. You smile at each other and something between you sparks, like something sputtering to life. “Wow,” you finally sniff, wiping at the tears on your cheeks, “Miles never said anything like that to me, and we were together.”
Ashton grins. “Yeah, well maybe I’m just better than him.”
You laugh again and move toward him, draping yourself over him for a hug. He pulls you closer and you realise just how much you missed him, just how much Miles took from you, unapologetic in his destruction. “I missed you.” You breathe into him and there’s part of you, a big part, that wants to pull back and kiss him, to feel what it’s like to be with someone who wants you. To be with Ashton, who’s wanted you from the start even if you’ve never admitted that to yourself.
Ashton sighs deeply, something like relief, something else that you can’t place. “I missed you too.” He murmurs. “So much.”
And there’s a second, a split second, where the heart that has been pulled apart lights up, twinges, as Ashton strokes your hair, pauses almost like its holding its breath, waiting to see what happens.
After a moment, you pull away and stand, moving to the other bed by the window. Ashton clears his throat and you know he felt it too, that pull, that ache. But it’s too soon, it’s far too soon and too wrong and why would Ashton want you when you’re crying over Miles, someone you let destroy the relationship you had with him. God, how could he even look you in the eye after that day, after what you did.
“You okay, love?’ Ashton asks and the air around you snaps back into motion and you come back down to earth.
“Yeah.” You smile. “I think I’m just jet lagged you know, it’s been a long day.”
Ashton nods. “Yeah, course.”
And the air is thick with something you don’t quite recognise and it settles heavily over you as you crawl under the hotel sheets. You’re still not used to having the bed to yourself, not used to having open air and cold beside you and you try not to think about it as you close your eyes. You hear the faint sound of Ashton getting into his own bed and you try to pretend you’re back in the apartment and it’s Miles getting ready for bed, about to settle next to you.
You hold that thought tightly as you begin to drift away
***
When you wake the next morning, the room is silent and cold and it feels like the apartment the day Miles left. On your bedside table is a note Ashton left, explaining he’s gone on a breakfast run and to a quick meeting with the boys. That’s fine by you, you suppose, you can use the time to cry even more. It hasn’t made a difference, being in a different country and the bed and the emptiness had felt the same, more so, if you’re being honest. The aching in your chest had yet to subside and you can feel the cracks, see the shards of your heart that will have to be pieced back together.
Your phone buzzes and you tear your eyes away from the wall you’ve been staring at.
Hey.. it reads from one of your friends, I think you should see this.
And you’re not sure anything, not even the horrific pain you’d felt before, can compare to the feeling of your entire being, your soul and you hope utterly shattering as you open the photo. The photo of Miles and Hannah kissing in a bar downtown.
You’re shaking, trembling, as you quickly type When was this? Because it could be old, you think, it could be an old photo from ages ago and yes, the hat he’s wearing is new and yes the bar is somewhere you frequent together but it can’t be recent, can’t be from the past week because if it is then it means he left her for you. Then it means it was all for nothing, the relationship was nothing and you are nothing.
And you’re still staring at it when Ashton walks in, still staring as the smile dies on his lips when he sees you.
“Ash...” You start but can’t finish because a sob builds up in your throat and breaks free as you finally drop the phone to the floor, any hope that you had cracking along with it.
Ashton reaches you just as you begin to sob, begin to feel your heart break all over again but this time, somehow, it numbs you and rips you apart all at once and you feel like you’re drowning under the weight of it, under the knowledge of why he left and what he thinks of you. Ashton gently takes the phone and scans the message before he sets it down on the bedside table. “Okay.” He says gently, “okay.”
“I can’t breathe.” You rasp, tears falling too fast for you to catch. “I feel like I can’t breathe.”
“It’s okay. It’s okay.” But he doesn’t say anything else, can’t say anything else to fix this for you, to make it hurt less. This is different now and he knows it.
“How could he..” The question dies in your throat and you meet Ashton’s eyes and he blanches at the pain that’s taken root there. “What did I do?”
“You didn’t do anything.” He says. “I promise. This isn’t about you.” He’s repeating himself, he knows that, but there’s nothing else he can say, nothing else he can do. You watch as he tugs his hand through his hair. “This is about him. This is about him not recognising what he’s got, not knowing how good he’s got it. Not knowing how special you are.” He pauses, like he’s stopping himself, like he’s waiting to see if he’s said something wrong.
“But it has to be to do with me.” You whisper, “it has to be. She must have something I don’t. She must be easier than me, you know? Better.”
“Listen, “Ashton says and he goes onto his knees before you. He cups your face, “This is not on you. This is about him.” Fury flashes across his face. “This is about him. If he can’t see you for what you are, this… this beautiful, special soul, then that is his loss.” Ashton stares at you until your tears begin to dry, “Do you understand me?” And that is rage, that is unbridled fury burning in his eyes but it softens as soon as you crack the smallest smile and cup his face in return. The two of you there, one sitting, one kneeling, holding each other like it’s the only thing that matters.
And it doesn’t feel wrong, like you expect.
You can see when Ashton’s breath catches, when his eyes flick down to your lips and then back to your eyes, almost imperceptible. Almost. Butterflies take flight, then, hundreds of them as your heart thumps, threatening to beat right out of your chest and all you can hear is the rain pattering on the window and the quickening breaths between the two of you.
But then Ashton moves towards you just a bit too fast, and you bolt upright, fear striking you like lightning because it’s too soon and you don’t deserve it and he’d never stay. Not if Miles didn’t. You weren’t good enough and you couldn’t let Ashton be dragged down by you. You wouldn’t let it happen. You would ruin everything just like you ruined it with Miles and then it would never again be the same. You just got Ashton back, you can’t lose him again, not like this. But you feel something
You sidestep Ashton and wipe quickly at your tears. When you turn back to him he’s standing up, hands behind his back and looks at you and waits. Waits, like he thinks he’s scared you away. Waits, like he is terrified you’re about to walk out of that door and not come back. But you want to go to him, you want to race across the room and let him hold you, let him kiss you, let him tell you all the ways he thinks you’re good enough.
But you can’t. Because he won’t. And everything here will be for nothing too.
“Okay.” You sniff, “do you know what I think?” Ashton tries for a grin but it doesn’t quite work. Still you say “I think I want to look around London. I want an official tour guide. What do you think?”
Ashton smiles then, but it doesn’t light up his face in the same way. “Yeah, he says, “that sounds good.”
***
The trip around London starts with a sickening feeling hanging between the two of you, something you try to ignore as you cross Tower Bridge and wander towards Borough Market.
It ends with you changing your tickets to an earlier flight home.
It’s too awkward, it’s too changed and you both know it. Ashton keeps his distance as you walk back to his hotel, like he’s scared to come closer to you and have you jump away from him again. And you didn’t mean to, is the thing, but you know that you’d only make things worse between the two of you. Miles left you, jumped at the girl that had been hovering around for months, cementing the fact that you are not good enough. And if you’re not good enough for Miles, you’re sure as hell not good enough for Ashton.
You pack in silence and Ashton leans against the wall and watches until it’s time to go down to the lobby for the taxi that he’s called for you. Maybe this trip was too soon and it had just made things harder for you. Maybe this isn’t where you were supposed to be at all. And maybe now, it was time to go.
“You okay?” Ashton asks as you wait for the lift.
“Yeah.” You reply softly. “Sorry about this. Work wanted me back, you know?”
“Yeah.” He says and you know he doesn’t believe you. But you know he won’t question you either. That’s Ashton, he’s always had your back.
And when you take a glance at him, you wish to god that you could stay, that Ashton would have you. You wish your heart didn’t start threading itself back together whenever you were with him. You wish Miles hadn’t made you so damaged, so terrified that someone might be able to want you and mean it. You wish you have the courage to believe that Ashton could.
But you don’t. And the tatters of your heart stop weaving together as the door of the taxi closes and you leave London behind.
Leave Ashton behind, in the gloom and the rain until he fades out of sight.
would anyone be interested in a southern gothic jack abbot fic? i have a few loose ideas eg preachers daughter who falls into a sort of obsession with him when he moves into town, and she deals with religious guilt etc
