The Birthday Project: → October 28th: @farbelowwillowroots
Bake Sale, Please! A very rushed, very out-of-character, very substandard Check, Please drabble about a hockey team hosting a bake sale. [art by @ngoziu for @omgcheckplease]
“How about a competition to score against Chowder. $5 to enter, $500 if you win” “But what if they do score? We’d lose all that money” “Are you kidding me? I haven’t been able to score against Chowder for weeks!” “I haven’t either” “Yeah but that’s because you’re a terrible player, Poindexter.” “Boys! I got the best plan! Bachelor auction!” “Shits, no.” “No, Jack, hear me out! First we’ve got you, Mr. French Canadian Adonis with that beaut of a behind. There’s Chow, aka actually made out of sunshine and rainbows and happiness. Any girl would be privileged to even look at that kid…” “Shitty I have a girlfriend…” “And don’t even get me started on fuckin’ Nursey over here!”
The sound of the hockey teams’ conversation carried through the Haus and into the kitchen, where Bitty was, as always, making a pie. The Samwell Men’s Hockey annual fundraiser was just around the corner and Lardo, in a moment of weakness, had wondered aloud about what they should do. Immediately, the boys had chimed in with their suggestions, each suggestion somehow worse than the one before it. It wasn’t until Bitty had strolled into the room and put his glorious pumpkin pie down on the table in front of them that the answer hit them.
“Bake sale”.
“Seriously Jack, I don’t need you all to help me,” Bitty said as the team walked down to the student kitchens the day before the sale. Bitty had already, with a bit of help from Dex, made 300 cupcakes, brownies and mini pies for the afternoons bake sale. He had announced he was going to try make some more that morning when Jack had declared that the team had to pull their weight and help out. “Bittle, it’s the Samwell’s Men’s Hockey fundraiser, not the Bittle fundraiser,” Jack replied. “We’ll all help out.” “Seriously, it’s probably easier for me to do it all myself,” said Bitty. “Nah, Bits, we’re good chefs,” Holster called over his shoulder as he walked into Kitchen A ahead of the rest of the team. “We’ve got your back.” “So, what’s the plan, Bittle?” asked Jack. “You all leave and I bake in peace?” said Bittle. “Dex can stay though.” “Try again Bittle.” “Fine, you all pair off. I’ll help everyone out. Shits with Lardo. Rans with Holster. Nursey with Dex. Chowder with Jack”. Bitty honestly couldn’t tell if Chowder looked excited or terrified at the prospect. “Since there’s only three ovens in here, Dex and I will go next door,” said Nursey. “Of course you will,” muttered Shitty, under his breath. “Alright, y’all. Let’s bake!”
Out of all the disasters Bitty had envisioned for their baking day, having to literally fight his Captain over protein supplement was not one of them. “Jack, you are not putting that into your cupcakes!” “They’re my cupcakes.” “Chowder, tell Jack he can’t put that into your cupcakes.” “Noooo!!! Oh no, Bitty! Please leave me out of this! Nooo!!!!!” “Chowder is doing decorations. I’m making the cupcakes. The protein powder goes in.” “JACK LAURENT ZIMMERMANN GIVE ME THAT NOW”
Ten minutes, and a bit of jousting, later, Bitty had the protein supplement in hand. Triumphant, he went to check on Shitty and Lardo. “What are you making?” asked Bitty, looking into the mixing bowl Shitty was holding. “Brownies.” Of course. “What kind of brownies?” asked Bitty, hesitantly. “They’ll be safe, right?” “Don’t worry Bits,” said Lardo. “I’ll make sure nothing goes into them that shouldn’t.” “Brah,” said Shitty. “I would never sell that stuff. You know that.” “Sure,” said Lardo, rolling her eyes. “Bits, I think we’re alright here. Why don’t you go check on Rans and Holtzy? They look like they’re struggling”.
Struggling wasn’t the right word. The reason Ransom and Holster hadn’t started baking yet was not a lack of idea, but rather from having far too many. “How many aspects does this cupcake have?” asked Bitty, looking down at the piece of paper stretched out between the two boys. Ransom had drawn a neat diagram of a cupcake, showing three different flavour of cake, a jam and cream filling, and two different flavours of icing, in addition to suggestions of various types of sprinkles. “It’s going to be ‘swawesome,” Holster said in way of reply. “Except I don’t know how to add the maple syrup into it,” added Ransom. “Bro, does it really need maple syrup?” “Are you seriously asking me that question?” “It’s not the Canada bake sale, Rans.” “Holtzy, maple syrup is a gift from the gods!” “If I could just make a small suggestion,” Bittle said, “maybe let’s just simplify things. How about we do a vanilla-pecan cupcake with maple syrup frosting?” “Oh, bro, that sounds ‘swawesome!” said Holster. “Yeah sounds, good,” added Ransom. “But it’s pronounced ‘pecan’” “It is pronounced ‘pecan’, Bittle” agreed Jack, from the other side of the room. Bitty rolled his eyes. “Let’s just start making these cupcakes.”
“Those sharks are so cute, Chowder!” Bitty beamed at his sunshine goalie child, who was busily making sharks out of fondant for the top of the cupcakes “Oh! Thanks Bitty!! I just love sharks!! And I thought it’d be cool to make them! And then we could sell them for more because they’re pretty!!” “Cupcake batter’s in the oven,” said Jack, leaning against the counter. He had a bit of batter on his cheek and Bitty smiled at how cute it looked “Jack you have some batter right here,” said Bitty, gesturing to his own cheek. “Oh,” said Jack, running his thumb over the spot and spreading the batter out. Bitty laughed. “You’re just making it worse.” “Help me then, Bittle.” Bitty’s heart was pounding as he reached up and Jack ducked down. Using his thumb, he smoothed the icing off Jack’s cheek. “There you go.” “Thanks” Bitty registered that Jack’s face was very close to his own. He felt the blood rush into his cheeks. “Shitty! You can’t put that in there! We’re selling these to the public” Bitty and Jack both jumped at the sound of Lardo’s voice. Their eyes locked, full of panic. “I’ll talk to Shitty,” sighed Jack. “How about you go and check on the frogs?” “Oh right,” said Bitty. “The frogs. I’m sure nothing’s going wrong in there.”
Kitchen B looked as if a tornado had coursed through it. Utensils littered the floor, ingredients lay spread on countertops. Nursey was standing at the counter, hair white with flour, spooning mixture into a cupcake tin.
“Hey, whatcha doing?” said Bitty, feigning obliviousness to the mess. Nursey looked up and flashed a toothy grin and Bittle. “We’re making hockey pucks! We’re going to bake the cake into cylinders and then frost it in dark chocolate. C’s gonna love it!” Bitty shook his head. Of course, the only reason Dex and Nursey would ever cooperate was to score on the ice, or to make fun of poor baby Chowder. Still, hockey puck shaped cakes were not an awful idea for a Hockey bake sale. “Hey Bits!” called Dex, poking his head out of the cupboard, a block of dark chocolate in his hand. Bitty was sure that an egg had been smashed into Dex’s red hair. “Do you know how to make dark chocolate any darker?” “Do I know?” asked Bitty. “Dumb question, Poindexter. Of course he knows”.
Bitty left the frogs after Nursey had the cake in the oven and Dex was mixing a very black chocolate frosting. Even as he was leaving he heard the sound of metal clanging. Of course, Nursey would be annoying Dex while the cake was baking. Of course.
Bitty was almost too scared to go back into Kitchen A and see what had become of Shitty and Jack. Jack intercepted him on his way in. “He just wanted to put it in a secondary batch for himself,” explained Jack. “Lards and I didn’t want to risk it getting into the food for the sale so we swiped it from him and just pretended it had been put in. Lardo has it on her now.” “Should be an interesting look into the placebo effect, eh” quipped Ransom on his way past with a bottle of maple syrup. “Thank goodness,” said Bitty, walking over to Chowder and helping his small sunshine goalie child with his sharks.
“Alright boys, sale starts in 15 minutes,” called Lardo. “Shitty, Jack, Ransom, Holster, come with me to help set up. Chowder, go help Nursey and Dex clean whatever mess they’ve made. Bitty, can you keep baking?” Bitty nodded. He didn’t need to be asked twice. “I’ll stay with Bittle and help clean up,” offered Jack. “No way, brah. We need your beautiful French Canadian ass out there to attract people to our sale!” said Shitty. He took a bite of one of his ‘special brownies’. “Dude, these are incredible! I feel like I’m flying. Jack and Lardo caught each other’s eye and grinned. Shitty grabbed Jack’s arm and started pulling him out of the kitchen. “Placeeeeboooo,” Rans whispered in Bitty’s ear as he walked past. Bitty grinned at his teammates as they left the room. He was finally alone and could finally do what he had been waiting to do all day.
Make mini pies.
“$6000” announced Lardo. “Swawesome!” “It was all those cupcakes, Bitty made,” said Holster. Bitty, Dex and Chowder had managed to turn out over a 100 more cupcakes in the first half hour of the sale. Nursey had been sent away to sell, as his contribution to the baking was just annoying Dex. “All of y’all helped,” said Bitty. “Those pucks sold like hotcakes. And those sharks were so cute, Chowder.” The frogs beamed at him. “Someone offered me $40 for one of Shitty’s special brownies,” Ransom muttered to Bitty. “I didn’t tell them there wasn’t anything special actually in them!”
Two hours later and Bitty was in the Haus kitchen. Baking. Again. “Baking again?” asked Jack, walking into the kitchen. “Always,” replied Bitty. “Hey,” he said. “You never actually tried one of my protein powder free cupcakes.” Bitty smiled and looked at the cupcake in Jack’s outstretched hand. “The shark was too cute for me to bite into!” Jack placed the cupcake on the table, took a knife out and cut the shark off, placing it on the kitchen counter. “Here,” he said, putting the cupcake into Bitty’s hand, brushing their fingers together. “Maybe we can paint Chowder’s shark in lacquer and preserve it forever seeing as you like it so much!” Bitty laughed and took a bite into Jack’s cupcake. It tasted amazing. “It’s good!” “You sound surprised.” “Well, you haven’t exactly shown yourself to be a good chef in the past.” “Well you’ve been teaching me.” “I didn’t teach you this.” “It’s my mum’s recipe.” “It’s good.” “So you’ve said, Bittle.” Jack had gotten very close to him. Bitty realised he hadn’t been breathing. “I, ummm.” “What’s that in your pocket?!” boomed Shitty’s voice from his room above them, causing them to jump apart. “Shitty I…” Lardo stuttered “So there was nothing in those brownies?” “No.” “Lardo why do you betray me in these ways?” “It was Jack’s idea.” “ZIMMERMANN!” “I should go,” said Jack. “Yeah,” breathed Bitty. “That’d probably be a good idea.”
