Happy new year, my lovelies. To all my well appreciated friends, mutuals and followers lots of love, health, many great adventures and tons of luck and fun for 2019! Concerning my last post... I’m still struggling these days, what your’re seeing here on my blog and in my tags is partly... a mask... kinda habit of mine to show my smile day in and out to everyone. But believe me, this christmas eve is still haunting me and i’m praying for my friend’s dad to get better soon. My dad left us 17 years ago and the dad of my friend was... IS more like a father figure to me than my real dad ever was. In many ways. So... I am praying. For many things of course.
First and foremost i am very thankful. It’s the freakin’ truth! I’ve never expected 2018 for me to be SO GOOD. When I look back at 2018, I don’t solely see good things of course. Especially when it comes to my own physical constitution. Sadly. But there’s one thing that’s glowing in the dark, its light still warming and comforting me most of the time. April 2018... It was one of the best weekends in my whole damn life. That one single person that changed my whole being, that changed the look at myself completely. That one weekend, that let me forget about ALL my troubles just for a couple of hours... That one single weekend I shared with my best friend - and I only wished wholeheartedly she would know how much it means to me that she’d been by my side at these particular, precious and important moments in my life, that she’d take part in my feelings and share that happiness with me a bit more. If not with her, than with whom else should I ever do it? Celebrating the memories. Feeling the happiness again. Let it LIVE ON. Bc it’s needed. Bc it was real. As for now... It’s kinda simmering deep within my soul. My precioussssssssssss... My OWN... But shared happiness is so much bigger, doubles the fun.
But I don’t have the right to wish for more, I think. I was given so much this year. The past two years they were like: “The next year will be so much better for you! You’ll see! You DESERVE the things that are coming! These plans! You endured so much to get here!” And now that all these things came true and indeed happened to me... I don’t even know what to wish for. Wasn’t that what Bellamy said back in S1? Now... this comes close. It doesn’t nail it. But it comes close.
How can I even DARE to hope for anything else, for more? Here’s the crux of the matter... I simply do. My stupid, little, stubborn heart DOES hope. Always. And beyond all the gratefulness that i am feeling i fear, that I won’t ever get the chance to be so happy again, as i was this year and especially in these few, particular moments. At this unique and wonderful weekend in April 2018. I am very aware of the fact, that NOTHING will ever come near it again. Not for me. But a girl can still dream of something similar. Believe me... a girl can. ;)
I’m looking forward to january. A long awaited, most appreciated visit will happen. <3 I can’t be happier at the moment right now. That is true. But beyond that... I don’t know. I think that should be okay? Living one day after another, appreciate what is NOW. And most of the time it’s alright with me. But then there are these days...
I’m repeating myself. Sorry. Maybe all that “new year-melancholy” just got me more than it has in the last two years. I remember I was FULL of plans and hopes and sparks and eagerness! The flame has burned down. I have to accept that. But well... my dear fellow Bellarkers... I’m still breathing. And as long as I do that... I’ll NEVER give up hope. Concerning ANYTHING. I am so happy that we’ll get a new season! `Though... everything feels so different than The 100 we all used to love in some ways. At least... our precious bbs will be on our screens again. ;)
Like Abby said... Hope is everything. I love my wise mom.
Anyway... May your overall 2019 be a good and lucky and healthy year, dearies! I’m so pround and happy to be part of such a lovely fandom. Feel yourselves hugged! Live your best life, if you can, and pray for the people who are not able to do that.
I bid you all a very fond farewell in 2018 (I’ve just seen The battle of the five armies again and... GAWD this song... *curls up into a ball*)