#faust shitposts for science

[nyumi-kitsuragi]

🐾 Faust = cat energy: swats Vlad’s hand, knocks things over out of spite.

🐾 Charles = dog energy: “PAT ME TOO LORD VLAD!!!” tail wagging.

👑 Vlad = smug owner: loves his dog, tolerates his cat, and is extra pleased he doesn’t have to scoop litter.

[nyumi-kitsuragi]

MC: mentally: “That’s not romantic. That’s a public health concern.”

MC, out loud: “We’ll be making love after the bloodwork clears, darling. And maybe a tetanus booster.” 🖤

[nyumi-kitsuragi]

MC confesses love. Faust reveals his evil plan™.

MC: “I love you.” Faust: “lol experiment successful 😏“ Smugness: biblical Energy: cured cancer + ruined Vlad’s week Sentence: prison, no bail.

[nyumi-kitsuragi]

🧁 Boundaries and Buttercream

Faust: “This is idiotic. My dignity is hemorrhaging. I will not lick frosting. I have three doctorates.” (Also secretly analyzing the frosting’s chemical composition.)

Theodorus: “If I look bored enough, maybe no one will notice I’m participating. …Fine, I’ll allow the frosting. It’s sugar, after all.” (Regrets everything, but not enough to wash it off.)

Arthur: “Ladies, the honeymoon starts when I walk in 😏 …Why is Faust sitting like he’s in a tax seminar?” (Genuinely thinks this pose is subtle.)

Napoleon: “Okay, everyone act natural. Wait, am I too natural? Should I also lick something? I feel like I should lick something.” (Has absolutely no idea what’s happening but commits anyway.)

Shakespeare: “Ah yes, the pose of seduction: fingers near the lips, eyes half-lidded, moral restraint optional. I’m giving the audience innuendo in iambic pentameter.” (Has already written an erotic sonnet about this event.)

Faust’s internal summary of the scene: “Five grown men. One cake. Infinite shame.”

[nyumi-kitsuragi]

Vlad, proudly: “This is my strongest soldier. My right hand. My brilliant creation.” Faust, five seconds later: ‘...arghhh!!’ (impales self with a fork for research) Vlad: “Never mind. Charles, you’re in charge of my hair from now on. I no longer trust him around objects with tines.” Vlad, privately: “Comte gets Leonardo da Vinci. I get Fork Boy. At least Charles knows how to use a brush without bloodshed.”

[nyumi-kitsuragi]

✨ Faust: Strictest Mom in the Mansion, Sulkiest Teen in the Chapel ✨

🍰 At the Christmas party → strict mom energy

“No cake before dinner.” “Charles, manners.” “Vlad, wait your turn.”

⛪ At the chapel with Saint-G → rebellious teen energy

“He’s not my real dad!!!” muttering: “senile old goat…”

Vlad, somewhere in the distance: “I gave him life and he gave me attitude.”

[nyumi-kitsuragi]

Emotional distress? Faust: hm.

Burnt cookies? Faust: “Mein Gott… are you alright?”

[nyumi-kitsuragi]

💬 “Commandception” He literally said “Tell me what to do” while telling you what to do. Schrödinger’s brat, both obedient and insufferable.

“I’ll submit to your authority… but only because it was my idea first.”