Having one of these moments of self reflection
Recently, I been reflection on my past years interacting with online spaces. This is mostly due realizations that I really should consider therapy and a possible long break from being online. Nothing dangerous or serious is happening rn, but I been concerned about a few behaviors I either picked up depending on the spaces I interact in or behaviors I never carefully monitored before.
Note: hey, don't set me on a pestle for realizing this! I am not immune to toxicity. Please hold me accountable.
One thing I do notice during my moments of strong anxiety or anger is this idea: I do not like how my mind thinks of other people. If you ever had, like, real bad intrusive thoughts, you know how this feels. The brain going like "okay something bad about to happen right now you must prevent it at all costs", or "oh no someone you like don't like you so you must figure out why now to get them back", or "I am a failure and can't do anything right might as well do nothing ever". And imagine this goes on for weeks and months on end.
Now usually, I catch these thoughts as completely unreasonable and unrealistic, but sometimes they do lead to either misguided preventative behaviors or a scramble to undo something that would either hurt me or others. Or just out right panic and having myself speaking on things I really should just let be. Considering a few of my frenzied online activities in the past, yeah...yeah.
I do not want to do that anymore.
I'm not sure when the break comes, but I'm thinking about around summer? Use Leachblock to mass block website access to all my socials and focus on job search and reorganizing my portfolio. Also, pour my focus into revision WOR and RFR story (might be a rewrite to be honest to be shorter and more realistically achievable).
Words are cheap and its easy to say a thing than to commit to it, but I want to at least try to be better.
