Prompt: nb!Sam hurt/comfort and/or fluff with Cas
Okay. Crowley? JJ? You’re amazing. This ask is amazing. This is exactly what I was hoping for and you just gave me the little burst of inspiration I needed to finish this thing. I love you so fricking much.
I hope this fits your criteria.
If you want me to, I’ll write an extension of this where Sam comes out to Dean.
It wasn't exactly that Sam didn't know. Well, it sort of was that Sam didn't know. But it also wasn't like that.
Sam knew that real Sam was... a different Sam than the Sam that Dean saw. And Sam also knew that Cas could see the real Sam.
Sam wasn't quite sure how Sam felt about that.
(Also, Sam hated pronouns. Like seriously, what the fuck is even the point of pronouns? Everybody has names for a reason, just call everyone by their name all the time and then there's no need for pronouns. Unless you're talking about a group... alright, so Sam could admit that Sam's argument didn't hold much water.)
So it wasn't exactly that Sam didn't know, it was more that Sam didn't know all of it, and it was difficult and confusing for Sam to try and figure it out.
And until Sam figured out what the hell Sam's pronouns were, there were no pronouns, and Sam was just Sam.
Sam remembered so many things that didn't really make sense. Things like the way Sam had always grown out Sam's hair, the way Sam had always kind of liked dresses and makeup, the way Sam felt a little bit too... happy when Dean called Sam 'Samantha' as a (somewhat misogynistic) jab.
Sam also remembered liking Sam's body, subscribing to several traditionally masculine habits and hobbies, relating to male characters in things and seeing things from a very male point of view.
So the short version was, Sam had no idea if Sam was trans or just confused.
Sam had had a chance to try and figure it out, once. There used to be a beautiful girl with blond hair and a sparkling smile who looked at Sam like Sam was her entire world who Sam knew would have helped Sam figure it out.
But Jessica Moore was dead now, and no amount of Sam's praying was going to bring her back to Sam, and Sam had never taken her up on that when Sam had the chance. Sam had always been a little too scared to reach out. So Sam had never really figured it out.
But it- it hurt now. It never used to hurt. It used to just be this feeling of weird, of wrong, like putting a hand into hot water and it feeling cold, even though you know it's not supposed to. Sam had always thought it was one of those things that was just inherently wrong with Sam, that Sam was messed up, irreparably damaged somehow, and it was just a Sam thing. (And it wasn't as though Sam's brother and father hadn't reinforced that narrative at all.)
It was suddenly physically painful, just a few years into living at the Bunker, and Sam knew that Sam had to do something about this. Sam couldn't look it up on Sam's laptop because Sam didn't think Sam would remember to clear Sam's internet search history and Dean might jump onto Sam's laptop for porn, so Sam had only one other resource.
"Hey, can we talk?" Sam asked, in the same uncomfortably deep voice Sam had had since Sam was fifteen or sixteen years old. Castiel looked up at Sam, with that look that Cas wore sometimes like the person talking to him was the most important person in the world and whatever they had to say was the most important thing he could hear.
"Of course, Sam."
Sam sighed and sat down next to Castiel on the couch. "So... I might be a girl? But I also might not be a girl? But I don't feel like a guy? I don't even know, I need help."
Cas smiled wisely at him. "Are you aware that there are other options?"
Sam blinked. "Other options?" Sam repeated, staring blankly.
"Besides male and female?" Cas elaborated.
"There are?" Sam asked, completely confused.
"I'll take that as a no," Cas murmured, patting Sam's shoulder. He shifted in his seat so they were facing each other. "Most people are only aware of the two binary genders, meaning male and female. However, there is an entire spectrum of gender identity in between and nowhere near those two genders."
Sam stared at him, fascinated.
"There's an umbrella term, 'trans', which includes any and all people whose internal sense of gender doesn't line up with their assigned sex, which is just the primary and secondary sex characteristics. Binary trans people are male-to-female or MTF, and female-to-male or FTM. Meanwhile, there's another umbrella term within that umbrella called 'nonbinary' that includes anyone and everyone who doesn't identify exclusively as one or the other. There are hundreds of other, more specific terms for nonbinary people, but I don't want you to hurt yourself." He smirked a little at Sam, and that was just too much.
What the fuck.
"How do you know all this stuff?" Sam asked quietly. Cas glanced away.
"The internet is very helpful. I've never experienced what most people call 'dysphoria', which is, I believe, what drove you to me, but I have found that I never cared, and that is common among angels. Angels do not inherently have genders. But I searched list after list of gender identities for several years after I joined the two of you for good and finally settled on 'agender'."
"What's that mean?" Sam asked distractedly, still trying to process everything that was being thrown at Sam.
"Agender means 'apart from gender', which means, in its essence, that I identify as no gender at all, and would accept any and all pronouns."
"So... so nonbinary people, they don't use he/him or she/her, so then... what pronouns would they use?"
"Most use they and them, although some use neopronouns such as xe/xem or ve/ver."
Sam took a shaky breath in as Sam attempted to wrap Sam's head around everything Cas had said.
Sam wasn't exactly a guy. That was about all that Sam knew. But Sam didn't really feel like a girl, either. So maybe...
"I think I'm nonbinary," Sam whispered. Cas put a hand on Sam's arm.
"Awesome," he whispered, and Sam laughed.
"I- I like they and them."
Cas shrugged. "Perfect. Do you want to tell Dean or do you want me to?"
"I think... I think you should. I'm... scared."
Cas looked at his friend, then, in a rare gesture of love, reached out and tucked a strand of hair behind his ear. "You don't need to be scared, Sam. Your brother loves you. He will support you. But if you want me to talk to him for you, I will."
"I love you, Cas," Sam whispered. "Thank you."
"I love you too," Cas replied, brushing his lips across Sam's forehead. "And you are very welcome."
Sam turned and walked to the door, but stopped when Cas spoke again. "Sam, do you like feminine presenting items?"
Sam turned. "Yeah," Sam admitted. Cas looked pleased.
"Let's go shopping tomorrow, I'll buy you some skirts and makeup."
Sam stared at her. (Sam could use she/her pronouns for Cas, right? Cas said she didn't care what pronouns people used for her.) "That sounds... that sounds awesome."
Cas smiled, and Sam smiled back, and suddenly they were a whole different person.
@incredulousanteater @wickedwithwings @fandomallthetime24601