FFXIV Write 2023 | Prompt #21: Grave
shockingly came easier than the last several.
-1392 words -content warnings: angst/comfort, grieving
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It would have been much easier to use a spade, or even the tip of my greatsword. Somehow, though, F’lhaminn and I land on a silent agreement to only dig with our bare hands.
It’s not what she would have wanted, I’m sure; I stifle a chuckle as I imagine her admonishing us for making things so much more difficult on ourselves, for no discernible benefit. And indeed, it’s rough work, and F’lhaminn’s hands aren’t quite as calloused as they used to be, and I’m fairly certain both of us break some few of our nails, and we’ll be picking dirt out of our cuticles for days afterwards. Neither of us utter a word of complaint, though. How could we possibly? After everything you’ve sacrificed… isn’t this the least we could do? Honestly, it’s probably not even enough for that.
Eventually, F’lhaminn deems the shallow grave deep enough; any more, I muse, and we likely risk disturbing Warburton. She digs into the pocket and draws forth the gift we received in Ul’dah; a small, simple catseye gem, pale blue. Slowly, reverently, carefully, she places it in the direct center of the dip. Its shine has dulled, but it can still catch the rays of the sun, still gleam somewhat. F’lhaminn exhales and gently sits herself on the ground before the epitaph; I wipe my brow and sit next to her.
“It was twenty years ago that Warburton came to Ul’dah, risking life and limb to warn us of the encroaching threat on Eorzea.” F’lhaminn closes her eyes, letting the tears stream freely. “Twenty years ago that my ambition robbed him of his life, and a daughter of her whole family.”
“You know you have far more than atoned for any perceived sins,” I say softly, and I gently scoop her hand into mine and squeeze tightly for emphasis. “And that… she found new family.” She clasps back and nods. We sit there silently for a while, letting the breeze tousle our hairs. The little gleam there is fades from the gem. The sun begins to retreat behind the rolling mountains on the horizon, and the hot desert air begins to cool.
“You would have been so proud of her, Warburton,” she intones, soft and reverent; she curls her free hand before her, closes her eyes, dips her head. “She was a warm, compassionate, and vibrant woman, full of boundless love for the star and its people… and her family. Always ready to answer the clarion call of duty without a moment’s hesitation, just like her father. In the end, that selflessness would save not one, but two worlds. Now her duty has ended, and though you are worlds apart, I pray that with this stone, this precious gem from Ascilia, a part of her remains at your side… just as she remains forever in our hearts.”
I never knew her as Ascilia… What I would have given to do so…
F’lhaminn’s head remains bowed in silent prayer, and I dare not move or disturb her. Eventually, her fingers curl tighter, and a sob wells in her throat—but she soldiers on. “My dear Ascilia… Never did I imagine that such greatness could be born from beginnings so humble. I am proud beyond words to have been there for that first little triumph. You didn’t just find a gemstone; you found your own path. That path took you far away, to a place fraught with danger… but there, you achieved all you have ever desired, and now you have returned. Rest now… my dearest daughter.”
We sit there quietly for something like several minutes as my mind races, as everything plays back through my memories—from that initial meeting in the Waking Sands, alongside Mia and Lily, to the last smile and the soft touch of her lips as she faded into the light to become one with the girl who would be Ryne.
Eventually, F’lhaminn brushes her thumb over the back of my hand. “Won’t you say a few words too, Ellie?”
I blink the tears that have come so far from my eyes and raise my chin from my chest. I stare down at the catseye, my heart feeling as if it’s on fire.
I am now and forever so proud of you, my champion… my jewel. To see you happy and full of love again brings joy to my heart. Do not ever lose sight of the strength that grants you. And know… that my eternal blessing always goes with you.
The last words she had said to me, and the long-overdue kiss that had preceded them, haven’t vacated my mind for even a moment since they happened.
“Even in the end, you were still only thinking of others,” I murmur. “It’s… unfathomable how all-encompassing your love was. It’s sometimes unfathomable that you thought me worthy of your love, your blessing.” My teeth unconsciously grind against each other. “And… every day, I curse that you couldn’t reap the benefits yourself, because you were so inextricably bound to your duty.”
I loosen my jaw and shake my head. “I know you never would have had it any other way, and I know it was so critically important to perform that duty. And… I’m always going to be so proud that you were the one who shouldered that burden.” And the tears begin once more. “...Just as I will always mourn that there was no other choice but for you to shoulder the burden. And that… that precluded us from becoming more. That that precluded me from knowing not just Minfilia… but Ascilia.”
F’lhaminn places her other hand over mine, now holding me with both of hers. I inhale deeply. “But I can’t grieve forever, because… then I’ll never see the dawn that you worked so hard to bring. And… I won’t squander the chance you gave us to live that dawn.” I press my fist to my heart. “We will venture forth and bring that dawn to those that we can yet save. You can leave it to us… and rest now.”
My throat heaves. “...My love. My… Minfilia…”
And I fall forward and slam a fist into the ground next to the small divot in the earth and the dam shatters into pieces; I sob, heavily and deeply down to my soul, as it all breaks loose, as all of the raw grief that had been building ever since the bloody banquet roars in pain. It’s everywhere, it consumes my whole body from head to toe, but finally I let myself feel it, let it flow into my heart and tear it to shreds, knowing that somehow it’s going to survive and rebuild itself, and in doing so the grief breaks free. As it finally vacates me, I remember every smile, every soft touch, every soothing word from her lips… the desperate kiss she had placed upon my knuckles before she turned and ran back down those waterways… and the singular kiss she shared with me in that realm of light before becoming one with Ryne.
F’lhaminn’s arms wrap around my shoulders and she holds me tight as I shudder and weep. My fist uncurls, and I let my arm fall and hang uselessly at my side. I stare at the catseye, remembering how, that first night when she got it back from F’lhaminn and showed it to me, it refracted every little bit of light that touched it. Set those rays of light forth on their own paths.
I wouldn’t be everything I am today without you, my love.
Eventually, the tears subside, and I push myself to move once more. With F’lhaminn’s aid, her gentle hands alongside my own coarse and scarred, we sweep the dug earth back into the hole whence it came, piling bit after bit upon the catseye until its dull shine is no more. We sit there on our knees, hand in hand.
“I know you literally heard it from her,” F’lhaminn says softly, a bittersweet but warm smile on her face, “but I know she is so, so proud of you, Ellie.”
I sniff, breathe out, and nod. “I know.”
On the whispers of the wind and the rays of the new moonlight, I smell something soothing, warm, full of light, and even through the tears, I can’t help but crack a smile at its touch.
