@sunderlorn was complaining about his editor telling him he ought to use adverbs like a Normal Person. And, as you can tell, I have way too much unfulfilled brain-capacity right now, ‘cause this is what I’m doing with that.
I am the very model of a modern literarian,
I've information narrative, poetic and grammarian,
I know the rules of syntax, I can verb a noun and conjugate,
Recite the use of clauses, independent and subordinate.
I specialise in assonance, I supervise each syllable,
Your spiritless suggestions are both asinine and risible.
My elements are layered with a grace that's rare and sensitive--
So miss me with that adverb or I'll split your damn infinitive.
(CHORUS: Yes, miss him with that adverb or he'll split your damn infinitive! x3)
My metre and vocabulary rival that of Cicero,
You think you can do better, pal, then come and fucking have a go.
In short, in terms of rhetoric, both classic and barbarian,
I am the very model of a modern literarian.
I paint a scene in simile, each image subtle and unique,
My gorgeous three-page metaphors would bring a tear to Mervyn Peake.
My characters are nuanced, their emotions real and visceral,
You dare instruct the Muses what's grammatically permissible?
I'm elevating language, my technique multi-dimensional,
So if I break a rule, then make a note: it was intentional!
I graduated Cambridge, with a Masters they were proud to give--
And you don't get to tell me what I can't do with an adjective!
(CHORUS: No, you don't get to tell him what he can't do with an adjective! x3)
I've read my way through canon from Jane Austen to the AO3,
I'd know the opening to My Immortal writ in Dwemeris,
I catalogue my fanfic with the zeal of a librarian,
So tag me [#very model of a modern literarian]
(CHORUS: So tag him [#very model of a modern literarian] x3)
Stop getting so hung up on these pedantical semanticals
Who wants to live their life as hardline grammar sycophanticals?
What matters is communication, words that conjure shock and glee,
Don't bludgeon all the life out of them, craving mediocrity.
I know my style and audience, they're wrapped around my finger, bro,
Got readers leaving comments consisting of just "aaaaaaaa oh no"
My stories evoke sympathy, both personal and general,
Check out my massive wordcount, and then tell me, who's ephemeral?
(CHORUS: Check out his massive wordcount and then tell him who's ephemeral! x3)
In closing, please consider: I'm myself an expert editor,
Quit picking at my opus, like some nit-voracious predator,
I know what I am doing, fam, I'm not just being contrarian,
I am the fucking model of a modern literarian!
(CHORUS: He is the fucking model of a modern literarian!!! x3)
