Contents: innuendo, talk of genitals, teasing and seduction
A/N: this was originally a joke I heard about two old widows. As a late birthday present to Jean, I have updated it for him and Pieck.
For the most part, after the war, Jean and Pieck have a nice domestic life. But there was a small hiccup when they started growing carrots in their garden.
The carrots grew with ease, and by fall there was plenty to pick. But Jean couldn't help but notice when Pieck pulled out one carrot - which looked particularly big and long - looked at it for a few seconds, let out a sigh, and put it in her basket.
Jean didn't want to say anything at first, but it was eating away at him. Had he not been satisfying this incredible woman, who he considered himself almost too lucky to even be with at all?
Finally, some time after carrot picking, they're both sitting in the living room, and Jean decides he doesn't want to live in the dark. Whatever this is, he wants it out on the table.
"Um... Pieck..."
"Yes?"
"So I noticed earlier, you had uh... you had this carrot, and... I don't know, something about it seemed to bother you?"
Pieck gives him an earnestly confused look. "You... think there was a carrot that was... bothering me?"
"Well like you-- like--... you looked at it and you... sighed?"
"I don't know, this is probably super silly, but like... were you, by any chance... thinking about Porco? Like when you saw that one carrot?"
"Oh... Yeah, I... I guess I did."
At the mention of her ex-lover's name, Pieck turns her head away and can't think of what to say.
"Pieck, it's OK if you were. I can't fault you for it. There's nothing wrong with it."
Pieck still hesitates, but ultimately concedes. "Yeah, OK. Yeah. I was."
"I appreciate you being honest with me about this, Pieck."
She smiles and turns away.
But not even a minute later, Jean breaks the silence again.
"Pieck, I'm... I don't know if I should even ask this... was it-... was it the length of the carrot that made you think of him?"
She looks at him, almost in disbelief, and bursts out laughing. "Fuck no! He was not hung like that."
"Oh..." Jean is stumped, and already mortified. But he can't stop himself. "Was- was it the width of that carrot that made you think of him?"
Pieck only doubles over laughing. "Oh my god, Jeanbo! Are you seriously getting jealous of a dead man right now?"
He does what can only be described as an angry bottom blush. "I'm not jealous, OK? I just... I just..."
She smiles suggestively. "Yes?"
Jean remembers the techniques he learned to calm himself down in moments like this. He takes a deep breath, then states:
"I just wanna know... what is it about that carrot that made you think of your dear old departed Porco."
He's met with a chuckle. "Sarcasm is not a good look on you, Jean."
"SJDJZZ-- It wasn’t sarcasm! I'm serious! I really wanna know!"
She walks over to him and puts a loving hand on his chest.
"Jean, I've told you before - all the dicks in the world could never measure up to a well-trained tongue like yours."
He blushes harder. "Y--... I'm aware of that. But I still wanna know."
Pieck softens her voice and wraps her hand around his neck. "You wanna know?"
Jean.exe has stopped working
She inches closer with every word, walking her fingers up Jean's chest, bottomless grey eyes piercing into his. "You wanna know what I saw when I saw that carrot... that made me think of my dear old... departed... Pock?"
All he can do is nod.
She gently touches her nose to his. "What's the magic word?"
"P- please... please tell me... what made you think of him?"
Pieck leans in close to Jean's ear, gives him the gentlest nose breath on his cheek to tickle him, and whispers...
