Jun 8
Crassus, Pompey, Caesar in that order
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Crassus, Pompey, Caesar in that order
Ancient Roman Politicians on a Modern Date
Gaius Julius Caesar: He invites you to a dinner party at his house and is a fairly witty and engaging host, but all of his stories seem to be about himself. However, friends assure you he's "every woman's man and every man's woman," so stick around for the nightcap he offers you if that makes you curious.
Marcus Licinius Crassus: For a man who is absolutely the wealthiest you've ever met, it seems a little convenient that he 'forgot his wallet' on your date to that expensive gastropub, so you couldn't go halfsies and had to pay for both your meals. The gold flake dessert shines bright, but you sort of wish he'd choke on it.
Gnaeus Pompeius Maximus: It's kind of weird how he takes you around to show you his art collection since it mainly consists of statues of himself, but hey, at least he's interested in art? He also tells a lot of stories about himself. However, he has a reputation for being a devoted husband and he's in between spouses, so if you're ready for that, give him a chance.
Gaius Julius Caesar Octavianus aka Augustus: He literally wrote out a plan for your entire date, how it would go, and what he would say to the most commonly asked smalltalk questions. Do not deviate from his script. He takes you somewhere like a museum or a fancy restaurant where they barely feed you, but although he is polished, his romantic delivery seems a little flat until you run into his best friend Agrippa... They are just besties, right?
Marcus Antonius aka Mark Antony: Ok, there are a couple ways this could go. He is either an absolutely fantastic date who takes you to see a hilarious play and finishes off with a fun night on the town, or he takes you to a bar in a seedy part of town where you dance and drink and party all night. Either way he gives you nice gifts and is charming and funny. On a later date he may take you on the most expensive, romantic, fancy date ever. Most likely a good time date, just don't expect things to get serious unless you're the Queen of Egypt.
Marcus Aemilius Lepidus: He never showed up for your date. Completely ghosted you. You track down his coworkers Mark Antony and Octavian and they say they have no idea where he is either. Weird.
Marcus Agrippa: He takes you on a tour of the city, pointing out all the architecture and finishes this off with dinner. He seems nice, intelligent, and is very attentive to your needs. So why isn't he off the market yet? His attachment to his slightly creepy best friend and roommate Octavian, maybe? They were roommates.
Sextus Pompeius Magnus Pius: A much better date than his father, he takes you to his private boat and gives you a seaside tour. He valiantly fights off pirates during your date, but did you catch one of them winking at him? Regardless, it's an unforgettable adventure.
Who would you rather date? And again, I'm sorry, Lepidus.
As always, thanks to @just-late-roman-republic-things for inspiring these posts.
You have to choose one
Caesar
Pompey
Crassus
“Seo Taji and The Boys were the first K-pop group!” “The Kim Sisters were the first ever K-pop group!” No! You’re wrong! It was The First Triumvirate!!
Unus, duo, tres! …Salve! We are FIRST TRIUMVIRATE!
caesar getting stabbed 23 times is what we call in english an overtly phallic metaphor alas this was real historical karma for all the times he was in the cuck chair while crassus and pompey were having mindblowing hate sex
Joining the war on the phrase 'First Triumvirate' on the side of 'First Triumvirate'
Crassus, Pompey, Caesar!
Thanks for the ask! Nice, fmk: first triumvirate edition!
Behead Crassus. As thrilling as the idea of being married to the richest man in Rome may sound (imagine living on the Palatine! I'll fill my villa with all the Greek vases I could get my hands upon!), he was kind of the worst. What he supposedly did to Licinia? Not cool. A ruthless capitalist, 2000 years before it became mainstream.
Bed Pompey. Plutarch (though hardly an objective source) claims he looked like Alexander the Great, so he has that going for him I guess?
Marry Caesar. Plenty of experience (not just in the military), blood of the goddess of beauty and love (allegedly) running through his veins, plus possibly a vers if we are to trust Cassius Dio (queen of Bithynia cough cough). Known to give really generous gifts to his partners. Plus I trust that both Cleo and Servilia would have had a good taste.
I will be posting about Roman history all day because it is the Ides of March and this is my right.
Caeser was interestingly not the worst of the first triumvirate, a girl band he was in with Pompey and Crassus. That honor, in my opinion, goes to Crassus.
Crassus is most well known for making one of the first Roman fire brigades. When there was an alarm of a house fire the brigade would rush to the scene. However, instead of putting out your fire, Crassus would try to buy your property, only putting the fire out when you sold it to him. And he would keep lowering the price as it burned.