Gaius Julius Caesar: He invites you to a dinner party at his house and is a fairly witty and engaging host, but all of his stories seem to be about himself. However, friends assure you he's "every woman's man and every man's woman," so stick around for the nightcap he offers you if that makes you curious.
Marcus Licinius Crassus: For a man who is absolutely the wealthiest you've ever met, it seems a little convenient that he 'forgot his wallet' on your date to that expensive gastropub, so you couldn't go halfsies and had to pay for both your meals. The gold flake dessert shines bright, but you sort of wish he'd choke on it.
Gnaeus Pompeius Maximus: It's kind of weird how he takes you around to show you his art collection since it mainly consists of statues of himself, but hey, at least he's interested in art? He also tells a lot of stories about himself. However, he has a reputation for being a devoted husband and he's in between spouses, so if you're ready for that, give him a chance.
Gaius Julius Caesar Octavianus aka Augustus: He literally wrote out a plan for your entire date, how it would go, and what he would say to the most commonly asked smalltalk questions. Do not deviate from his script. He takes you somewhere like a museum or a fancy restaurant where they barely feed you, but although he is polished, his romantic delivery seems a little flat until you run into his best friend Agrippa... They are just besties, right?
Marcus Antonius aka Mark Antony: Ok, there are a couple ways this could go. He is either an absolutely fantastic date who takes you to see a hilarious play and finishes off with a fun night on the town, or he takes you to a bar in a seedy part of town where you dance and drink and party all night. Either way he gives you nice gifts and is charming and funny. On a later date he may take you on the most expensive, romantic, fancy date ever. Most likely a good time date, just don't expect things to get serious unless you're the Queen of Egypt.
Marcus Aemilius Lepidus: He never showed up for your date. Completely ghosted you. You track down his coworkers Mark Antony and Octavian and they say they have no idea where he is either. Weird.
Marcus Agrippa: He takes you on a tour of the city, pointing out all the architecture and finishes this off with dinner. He seems nice, intelligent, and is very attentive to your needs. So why isn't he off the market yet? His attachment to his slightly creepy best friend and roommate Octavian, maybe? They were roommates.
Sextus Pompeius Magnus Pius: A much better date than his father, he takes you to his private boat and gives you a seaside tour. He valiantly fights off pirates during your date, but did you catch one of them winking at him? Regardless, it's an unforgettable adventure.
Who would you rather date? And again, I'm sorry, Lepidus.
As always, thanks to @just-late-roman-republic-things for inspiring these posts.
So now the Second Triumvirate in an animal version: Mark Antony as a dog (a poodle, to be precise), Augustus as a cat (of course, because they lived like a cat and dog), and Lepidus as a mouse (sorry, but he's so forgettable)
The Roman Political Personification of "and Peggy"
What He Lacks in Ethics he more than Makes Up For in Naval Skills
Local Man Proven to Have More Money than Sense
Nicest Guy Ever Simultaneously Has a Hubris Issue and Insecurity Issues
Idealist Destined to Dramatically Fail
Voting ended onApr 10, 2024
Now put in the tags what you selected and who you THINK it's referring to... Because I sneakily had at least two people in mind when I made each option and when the poll is over I'll reveal who I had in mind for each option
I've a question. Do you know of any interesting fictional takes on the Three Daggers Plot? [<<< the alleged conspiracy of Agrippina-Lepidus-Livilla against Caligula, with alleged involvement of Cn. Lentulus Gaetulicus, in 39 ce]
(IMAGE ID: a poster of “Sonic 3 & Knuckles” which has been edited to say “War of the Roman Triumvirate 3 & Lepidus”. the noble augustus’ face has been edited onto the blue hedgehog’s, marcus antonius’ ugly features are now on the red echidna, and lepidus has been imposed over the fox. also sextus pompey appears in the background.)
Another of his victims was Lepidus, that lover and favourite of his, the husband of Drusilla, the man who had together with Gaius maintained improper relations with the emperor's other sisters, Agrippina and Julia, the man whom he had allowed to stand for office five years earlier than was permitted by law and whom he kept declaring he would leave as his successor to the throne.
-Cassius Dio 59.22
everyone talks about the incest allegations, but surprising no one: the brother in law allegations are more fun to me
some commentary on the death of Lepidus
The Roman Emperor Gaius 'Caligula' and his Hellenistic Aspirations, Dr. Geoff W. Adams
usually my Caligula design is a remix of my Octavian design with darker hair, but for this I decided he should be his own person
Ranking the Conspirators and Avengers of Julius Cesar by fuckability
Happy 2,068th anniversary of Caesar’s assassination! To celebrate I’ll be ranking the main 3 conspirators who attacked Julius Ceasar while he was still alive and the men of the second triumvirate plus Agrippa on how fuckable they are to me. I’ll be judging them on attractiveness, conviction to the conspiracy, and how that conviction translates to them in bed. I will be using historical representation, modern reconstructions, and modern media depictions.
Side note: Roman’s viewed sexuality on a binary system from penetrator/dominant to penetrated/submissive. Basically, for a Roman man to be seen as manly he has to be the top in his sexual relationships with women or lower born men. So, a woman being on top, oral sex, or anything a little kinky would be seen as deviant.
7. Lepidus
During the assassination of Julius Caesar, Lepidus was Caesar’s right hand man. He had an army just outside of Rome when Caesar was assassinated. Despite starting off in a strong political position, Lepidus had little initiative in keeping power and was easily ousted by Anthony and Octavian. (Big L for loosing to Anthony). Lepidus did avoid Anthony’s fate as he was the head priest of Rome until his death in 13 BC, which means he lived for 14 years after Octavius became Emperor.
Attractiveness
Lepidus is just not that hot. His statue with that neck beard is almost as bad as Nero’s! The HBO Rome casting doesn’t stick very close to the bust but the actor doesn’t stand out as super good looking. 4/10
Conviction
Lepidus was very much a follower in his partner ship with Anthony and then in the Second triumvirate with Anthony and Octavius. Lepidus started out in a very strong position being the only one with an army and probably could have used said army to reestablish peace and take out the conspirators. His lack of conviction probably is the only thing that saved him from being murdered by Anthony or Octavius as he wasn’t a threat to either and was happy to play second fiddle. 2/10
In bed
Lepidus probably wasn’t that good to have in bed. He’d do what any Roman was expect to do, be on top so only missionary or doggy, not letting his partner take the lead, and no fingering or oral. He calls sex “coupling” because he thinks it sounds more posh compared to other words. He can get the job done but it won’t be a great experience. 2/10
Overall: 2.5/10
Boring, traditional, and not exciting at all.
6. Brutus
Brutus was one of the main leaders of the conspiracy to assassinate Julius Caesar. Brutus was a close friend to Caesar, possibly being seen as a surrogate son because Caesar was having a long affair with his mom and was advancing Brutus’s political career.
Attractiveness
Brutus is definitely a good looking guy, he has a very nice appealing face and the reconstruction still looks hot, although a bit too old for my 22 y/o butt. The actor for Brutus in HBO Rome looks similar enough to the bust. Overall good looking guy but doesn’t stand out much from a crowd. 7/10
Conviction
Brutus’s conviction to the conspiracy is weird. Brutus as a person was slow to act and often forced to react. He needed someone telling him what to do otherwise he fell apart. I believe his main motivation to the conspiracy was saving Julius Caesar from himself. He saw Caesar trying to position himself as a king and thought killing him would keep him from commuting that sin. The well being of the Republic and what it would take to rebuild it came second. This is seen with Brutus being opposed to killing Anthony along with Caesar which left Anthony in a strong political position to paint the conspirators as traitors to Caesar. 4/10
In bed
I think Brutus is very clueless in bed. He doesn’t know anything beyond simple penetration and will need to be taught how to actually please his partner. Unlike Lepidus, Brutus is willing to learn and improve but it’s an uphill battle where you have you drag him to the top. Want him to finger you? You have to literally guide his hand through the whole process and the second you stop leading him, he’s immediately poking at your belly button asking if this is the clit. He’ll walk out mid session because he’s so overwhelmed and just can’t seem to learn. Also unwilling to try anything that’s too radical. So no riding him, oral, or use of toys for this Roman boy. Also will call his mom afterwards to just chat. No aftercare cuddles! 1/10
Overall: 4/10
Cute to look at but total nightmare to fuck.
5. Octavius
Octavius was Caesar’s grandnephew (grandson of Caesar’s sister Julia) and was posthumously adopted by Caesar in his will. At just 19, Octavius became the richest man in Rome and maneuvered himself to becoming the emperor of Rome without ever needing to declare himself as such. Through his use of political power and favors, he became the de facto ruler of Rome while keeping the illusion of a republic. Big chaos is a ladder energy and Octavius is a climber
Attractiveness
Octavius just looks off to me. His eyes are too big, a little too far apart, his ears are too large. He looks weirdly young yet old, 13 going on 30. The actor from HBO Rome is definitely hotter than the reconstruction but he still has the baby face. Idk he’s just kind of creepy, probably that murderous aura in his eyes. 4/10
Conviction
Octavius was the most convicted to getting both justice for his adoptive father and fulfilling his father’s goal of being the king of Rome. Octavius was willing to ally with anyone to get power and would backstab anyone he needed to to get power. 9/10
In Bed
Octavius is definitely a stick in the mud when it comes to sex. He was married 3 times but only had one child with his second wife. He also tried to make Rome more “morally righteous” by outlawing adultery which was a very common practice for upper class Romans. He wants to only have sex in missionary or doggy and he needs to have a spirited political debate to get going. Stops mid act to write his thoughts down before returning. Very boring sex which needs a lot of exhausting debating of politics to actually get going. 1/10
Overall: 4.5/10
Ambitious guy but his first and only love is his pursuit of power.
4. Marcus Antonius
Marcus Antonius or Marc Antony was Julius Caesar’s right hand man until he displeased Caesar by being a total drunk and terrible at governing. At the time of Caesar’s death, Marc Antony was Caesar’s co consul.
Attractiveness
Antony is so hot. Big muscular man with dark curly hair? He’s just my type! I wish the hbo actor had curly hair but other than that he’s pretty good looking. I can see why Cleopatra kept him around, he’s such a hunk. 9/10
Conviction
Antony started off as very convicted and determined to avenge Caesar and gain power. He got the people of Rome on his side with his funeral speech. He was able to out maneuver Cicero and kill him. But despite all this, once Antony achieved the heights of his power, he kind of floundered. He spent his time partying instead of preparing for war with Octavius. While Ambitious, he looses his conviction once he has nothing to work towards. 5/10
In bed
Antony is definitely a freak in bed. He was married five times with 9 children between them! He was also in a lot of sexual scandals. As a youth, Cicero said he played wife to his friend Curio. This is probably political slander as Cicero hated Antony and calling someone the bottom in a gay relationship was a very big insult to Roman men as it meant being passive and thus, woman like. Antony knows what he’s doing and isn’t afraid to get experimental. He doesn’t care about Roman social norms when it comes to sex and so nothing is stopping him from pleasing his partner. During Antony’s climb to power, sex is less common and more focused on connection and escaping the world with his lover. But after Antony has come to the height of his power, sex becomes much more indulgent. The emotional connection with his partner becomes less important as he chases his own orgasm. Your pleasure feels like an afterthought instead of the main focus of sex. Definitely asks you if you think his dad would be proud of him but if you say yes he’ll say you obviously did not know his father. While 9/10 at the start, it turns to a 4/10 for a final score of 6.5/10
Overall: objectively 7/10, subjectively 5.5/10
When Antony has a goal to work towards, he is basically perfect but once he doesn’t have anyone or anything pushing him, he flounders and succumbs to his own vices. A little too much like myself.
3. Cassius Longinus
Cassius Longinus, the soldier in the conspirators turned on Caesar for possibly several reasons. Still, the one I like the most is him being upset he wasn’t advancing politically as fast as he thought he should.
Attractiveness
Cassius's statue and modern reconstruction show how a statue can make someone look a lot different. The lines around his mouth are pronounced in both versions but the reconstruction makes it look a lot more natural and not weird like with the statue. The HBO actor also has a similar face shape and details and he looks very good. 7/10
Conviction
This man is dedicated!! Not only did he want to take out Caesar but also Marc Antony and other Caesarean to make sure the conspirators were filling in the power vacuum. The only problem is that Cassius didn’t do this. He was convinced by Brutus not to take out more Caesareans, not taking Antony out when he was taking power, and not to send aid to Cicero during Octavius’s rise to power. In the end, Cassius was dedicated more to Brutus than the conspiracy (which supports my theory that Cassius loved Brutus in a romantic way but I digress) in the end, all conspiracy and no stabbies 6/10.
In Bed
Cassius is definitely an explorative lover but is still really strict about staying the dominate one. He also gets a little aggressive and possessive in bed easily. Definitely would be into bdsm with a focus on a command kink. He’s a soldier and likes it when his partner follows his orders. Definitely a good lay 7/10
Overall: 6.66/10
A head strong lover who’s conviction leads him to do crazy things. The type of guy who’d break my heart.
2. Decimus Brutus
Decius Brutus is the third forgotten member of the conspiracy. He is a distant cousin to Brutus. Decimus started out as a Caesarean and fought for Caesar in the Gallic wars which gained him favor with Caesar. Decimus was so close to Caesar that he was appointed to take over the transalpine Gaul Provence after Caesar. But Decimus became disillusioned with Caesar and saw him rising to become a tyrant and strives to stop that.
Attractiveness
Sadly, Decimus Brutus is over shadowed by Brutus and Cassius in many ways. We don’t have any busts (that I could find and confirmed were Decimus and not the other Brutus) and Wikipedia only has two coins with his face minted on them. Decimus doesn’t fair any better in modern media. He’s not in HBO’s Rome, Shakespeare mistakenly calls him Decius, and is mostly remembered in literature. Because of this lack of material to judge, I won’t be scoring him in this section n/a
Conviction
Despite Decimus usually being overlooked, forgotten, or merged with his cousin Brutus, was very instrumental to the conspiracy. Decimus was a Cesarean who fought for Caesar in Gaul and during the Civil war. Decimus became disillusioned with Caesar and decided that he needed to do something about it. Further more, Decimus convinced Caesar to attend the senate meeting on the Ides instead of staying home after his wife had a nightmare about his death. The place he faulted is after the assassination where he decided to leave and take up his position as Governor of transalpine Gaul (which Caesar appointed him to) instead of trying to keep power out of Antony’s hands. This decision led to him being killed and his head and hands sent back to Rome. 8/10, he came, he saw, he murdered but it just wasn’t enough
In Bed
Decimus definitely is adventurous in bed. He is willing to change his approach to pleasing his partner as his goal is always making sure they are satisfied. He will let you dominate him and will dominate you if you want. I also think he’d be into roleplay as he likes getting into character and pretending to be someone else, which he’s good at. He also needs a lot of cuddles after sex to make sure you feel loved. He’s a devoted lover and a cuddle bug 8/10
Overall: 8/10 while we have no clear surviving depictions of Decimus Brutus and how he’s often ignored in adaptations, he’s still a really interesting character who I like a lot because I love overlooked side characters.
1. Marcus Agrippa
Agrippa, childhood friend of Octavius, his loyal right hand man, builder of Rome, defender of Italia, and Octavius’s son in law? Yeah, Octavius had his best friend marry his daughter in a move that showed he wanted Agrippa to be the next emperor or guide the next emperor. But Agrippa passed before Octavius and left a massive hole in his succession plans.
Attractiveness
Agrippa is so hot. Not only is he physically attractive but he is emotionally attractive! This is the most loyal Roman man ever! Not once did he think about betraying his best friend to become emperor himself. Agrippa still supported Octavius even when he was sent away from the capitol in a sort of exile to fight. But I’m getting side tracked.
Agrippa’s busts portray this strong jawed masculine man who has these sad soulful eyes. Almost as if he can see the distraction his family would face. All his sons would die before becoming adults, his daughters used as marriage pounds, and his wife put into another unhappy marriage to her step bro. The HBO actor in Rome captures Agrippa’s look so well! Oh to be in a museum with this bust, I would kiss it! 10/10 no notes
Conviction
While Agrippa didn’t come into Rome until after Caesar was assassinated, he was dedicated to serving Octavius’ grind to power. No matter how many times Octavius pushed him aside or lost, Agrippa always came back. Even when he was essentially co-emperor with Augustus, he never pushed for having more power than Augustus. He was commuted to his boyfriend I mean friend 10/10
In Bed
This man fucks. He had 9 kids in his life and his last wife Julia, daughter of Augustus, was even pregnant when he died. Damn this man did not stop! Agrippa is a service dom. He loves seeing his partner being pleasured by him. He’s here to serve and give his all to his partner. 10/10
Overall: 10/10 one of the greatest historical men ever
