23.1.11 Past/Present/Future
The King of Swords represents my anxiety, the mindset and ways of moving in the world, how it puts me and how I view other people around me into a box.
I attempt to control myself and others around me with leadership, power, and protection, only leaving space for the rationality of the mind (air), and tough-minded common sense. I lean into avoidance and fester insecurities, denying dissenting authenticity in fragility and vulnerability.
This headspace eliminates mystery or magic. I stopped thinking the past few months. I stopped tarot, one of the magical care practices that held me during trauma awakening: gave me space to reflect, to understand the present, and to envision hopeful futures.
Present - Five of Pentacles
Loss, sadness and difficulty through winter depression, and re-cycles of how my body experiences trauma. mm has noticed me dreaming and talking about my ex more. last year in December I received forgotten memories of trauma. I see this period as a natural cycle of seasonal slowness blended with trauma cycles, manifesting consciously and subconsciously.
The people do not see the church they pass, the sanctuary. I am familiar with this trauma cycles, comfortable in them and refusing change/help. I avoid the hard truths of confronting, and feeling, and embody - disconnected from gut and heart and breath. I resist and forget to accept offered help (from mm).
Strength to cope with (move through) and reimagine winter rest and hibernation. Strength to allow healing, rather than avoidance of trauma cycles. Strength to allow repressed my hidden corners to emerge, as the first step in going beyond the ego.
"Strength opens up the personality with a sense of peace, a love of life itself, and confidence and joy in the process of self-discovery and our continuous manifestations. This purpose can only be accomplished through the courage and strength to release deep emotions with love and faith. The lion is ‘tamed’ at the same time that it is released."
