#flo is typing...

[femmeflorenxe]

i swear i'm a healthy and safe partner...i just yearn so damn much. :((

[femmeflorenxe]

I THINK I NEED LESBIAN BIG SIBLING HELP.

From your anxious little lesbian sister.

My girlfriend got hired for a job that might---most likely---require her to work graveyard shifts. We are in long-distance, though same country, and I have the misfortune of not living together just yet. I'm anxious about this new job she will be taking on. I have worries for her health, of course, and while days usually overstimulate her and give her migraine because of how busy daytime is for her whenever she works (working from home or on-site), I still think that the nightshift might bring up health issues despite nights being more peaceful for her.

And okay, I'm anxious too because of the possible change with the time we get to hang out or be together, whether online or for dates. I am anxious about the people she might spend more time with because of this career change... I know, it is my anxiety and possible insecurities I do not want to get into right now because they are wounds, and I trust her enough despite my lingering trust issues (a me problem), but I can't help this feeling.

As much as I am happy she got hired, which I told her, I still haven't told her about these fears. I think I did the right thing to not bring it up just yet. I can hold onto it a little longer. But I'm so overwhelmed and I don't know what to think or how to feel or what to do. I feel it is so juvenile or childish of me to even feel this way---like a little girl anticipating and dreading being left behind at the park swing because no one stays to play with me anyway.

For fuck's sake, I'm 24 years old and I'm about to cry. It feels so silly now typing all this and expecting replies or anything. At least I got to get it out of my system, at least for now, I guess.

So, my mind is stuck weighing which idea/coping-mechanism-thought I should hold on to for dear life:

trust everything will be okay, OR

detach, detach, detach!!!

On fight-or-flight mode right now, and even though we consider ourselves "wives," my brain heads to the other direction towards the window, breaking glass, and shooting myself out of the house I might be thinking is burning but truly isn't.

At this point, I don't know how to affirm myself. I don't know if I can sleep tonight, anxious and all. It's 12:27 AM and I think I'm either incredibly gay or extremely wounded in my childhood.

[femmeflorenxe]

Here is me manifesting for A JOB THAT PAYS SO WELL, I GET TO MOVE OUT OF MY PARENTS' HOUSE AND AFFORD AN APARTMENT WHERE MY GIRLFRIEND AND I CAN STAY AND BE LESBIAN WIVES TOGETHER. WE'RE GOING TO HAVE CAT CHILDREN AND A SPACE FOR HER TO DO WORK AND ART IN AND I TO WRITE AND MAKE STUFF IN. THEN WE'LL BINGE WATCH GoT DURING DINNER AND STAY UP LATE HAVING CONVERSATIONS OR FUCKING.

Please pray and/or manifest it with me. Thank you.

[femmeflorenxe]

If you call yourself a Christian, then I am not.

When the pastor honored Charlie Kirk for being a Christian.

I am a Filipino. 23 years old. Female. Lesbian. Agnostic. I finished college and still unemployed after my first job. I grew up in a household I am aware is way better than most have. I ate three times a day, sometimes more for snacks, and though we are deprived of water from our faucets (like many households where I’m from), I have a roof over my head and can stay warm and comfortable at home as much as I can.

Charlie Kirk had no direct impact on me. I don’t think so, no. Though with his influence, I have no doubt it rippled all the way from the US to the Philippines. And yesterday, at lunchtime, this proved to be true and I felt it through my bones. My hands and feet turned cold, shaking in disappointment, disbelief, and anger — a pastor I know posted on Facebook about Kirk, in honor of his courage and “Christian values.”

If you’ve read my last post here, I mentioned about how I no longer identify as a Christian. At the time I wrote that, it would be a lie if I said there was no regret nor confusion and hesitation for leaving it there, declared. It was personal — a confession with guilt, like it was something to take back and apologize for. I did not elaborate any further on that item on my list for it would prove to be a long ramble. But with what happened yesterday and the reactions of people I know to be Christians, people I see in church and stand on stage, singing and speaking about love and peace and kindness — it was the last straw. I am not sorry.

For the record, I do not condone any kind of violence, whatsoever. Whether it is to someone who proved to have no regard to who is subjected to any violence imaginable or someone who is innocent. It does not matter who it is. Children deserve to have their parent/s and they do not deserve to see their mother or father killed right in front of them. Much like the children in Gaza. ‘Di ba?

However, having the empathy is a whole different story. It is more complex than that. We are all entitled to mourn for those we lost; even his supporters have the right to mourn him too, of course. But honoring him for his so-called Christian beliefs and values is another matter. The support that the Christians I know who posted online infuriated me to my core, that until now I am agitated and didn’t get to sleep because of it. (It is 6:46 AM as of writing.) One church leader shared on Facebook an illustration of Kirk walking to the pearly gates beside God. They posted Biblical verses, as if he did not twist and weaponize the Bible to justify his hate. How can they speak now on his death when he lived hating the people they should be fighting for? For the sake of humanity, love, and peace for all? How can they claim to be Christ-like when the man they supported and basically idolized for his “traditional Christian values” is anything but?

For so long I have remained skeptic of the things my church taught from the pulpit. I remained vigilant while staying open for “God’s Word.” I supported and prayed for their mission and their goal to guide children. I believe they have good intentions. After all, it is still a matter of perspective where someone’s morals lie. Though it irks me whenever they pray for a certain group of people somewhere around the world to know the Gospel and know Jesus by evangelism — like how they prayed for Buddhists, Muslims, and Jews to become Christians — I still lent my ears because I have the free will to choose which words to absorb and apply and which to leave outside my system. This was a prescription, an advice, to me because “there are no perfect churches.” But surely there are churches which TRULY respect people’s rights to religion and to choose. There are churches that include the LGBTQ+! They welcome people who love in different ways that are not bound by the binary! There are churches which do not support Zionism and the genocide in Gaza; they are not confused or blinded by the whole ‘It’s our Promised Land! It’s Israel’s!’ narrative.

But no. The idea that they should not be “of the world” but rather “in the world,” might have been misunderstood and thus…the detachment. I am citing the verses below as references to the ideas passed on to me from my experience:

1 John 2:15 states: Do not love the world nor the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him.

John 15:19 states: If you were of the world, the world would love its own; but because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, because of this the world hates you.

Romans 12:2 also states: And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.

In all the times I attended Sunday services, I heard these verses often, especially when the topic is about only following God’s Word a.k.a. the ancient and translated-several-times-by-men Bible, and non-Christians or non-believers and “the culture of the world.” This only divides all of us rather than unite us by actual love that Jesus was all about. But no, apparently, we are gifted with free will but by having your own faith that’s not like theirs, or none — which is using said gift and should be respected regardless of that choice — we go to hell.

While I have no problem if there are Christians who believe that someone like me would go falling into the pits of fire and misery (because it’s their belief, they are entitled to it), I do have my concerns of great gravity if or when they act on those beliefs against people like me or different from them. Now that is live hate. It is in the system. It is in the discrimination. It is in the murders. It is in the way there are people who think that the genocide is justified because the land is promised to them, because they’re not Jews, because they’re not Christians. You’re Christ-like until they don’t believe in Christ, right?

Those same verses above, I’ve heard, several times, used in hopefully good intentions, but I can only see an us vs. them idea being fed to people who hang on to every word as long as the mouth claims they prayed and therefore guided by God. So much for loving thy neighbor, loving the earth, but you put yourself in a bubble and only come out when you think a good Christian savior (who’s sinful! So of course, you are still human, like us!) is needed for the part.

Yes, I am angry. I’ve always been told that being angry makes an unhappy soul and one should forgive, “turn the other cheek,” and release for MY sake. Not this time. I nurture this anger. This anger is justified and valid for all the times I thought that peace can be done by staying silent and praying for everything to be well, even if I don’t move a muscle. This is for the initial shame and denial and fear I had for being gay, only to find the most wonderful love in and with the most wonderful person. This is for the past thinking that only Christians must be “good” and those who have different faiths or none at all are dangerous. This is for the idea that limiting people from what they want to be, what they think, and who they truly are, for the sake of faith and salvation…when it is a denial of their existence.

The pastor honored Charlie Kirk for being a “Christian man” when Kirk said that Black people were better off in slavery before the 1940’s; when Kirk called being gay is an “error” and something to be corrected and call that as an act of love; when Kirk thinks empathy “does a lot of damage”; when Kirk’s idea of an American way of life involved homophobia and Islamophobia; when Kirk didn’t believe Palestine exists; when Kirk was racist; when Kirk argued it was “worth it to have a cost of some gun deaths every single year so we can have the Second Amendment to protect our God-given rights.”

The plot? Lost. Ignorance cannot be an excuse. Knowledge of all this and all the beliefs Kirk stood for and yet honoring him, ONLINE!, when he has great influence as a pastor? Irresponsible. Questionable. I do not know exactly which side he is on but I am definitely not going to follow his lead. I am concerned for those who do. I am concerned for the people they will be interacting with when they harbor the same beliefs and ideas and values as he does because Charlie Kirk, the “Christian man,” did. They may not even understand or know that the man they were mourning for was against their rights, their existence. Heck, a lot of Filipinos are immigrants and he was a racist. His harmful and hateful ideas that dehumanized and downplayed progress for equal rights should be enough to raise suspicion and lead to reflection on who exactly they are following. According to The Guardian (2025):

Kirk made the same points in Oxford, also alleging immigrants were “importing insidious values into the west” and that police violence against Black people was a result of a “disproportionate crime problem” in the Black community.

I am Filipino. 23 years old. Female. Lesbian. Agnostic. I grew up Christian, reading children’s bibles and attended church services. I have been taught to pray for the poor and the needy, pray for world peace and nonviolence, pray for the wisdom of those who sit in power. Prayer can only do so much. Maybe not so much, even, if one remain silent. I have been taught to trust that God appointed the priest, the pastor, the president and all those who are supposed to lead us. They said they are there for a reason. They said they are appointed authority and God will take care of the rest if you just pray and believe He will guide those same leaders who have the power to steal and kill and decide at the expense of the people, for their own selfish benefits and desires. But they too can lie. They can control. They can weaponize your beliefs for their selfish gain.

I am Filipino and I live in the Philippines where we are diverse in our language and dialects, our culture, our religion. Yet, some of us apparently still expect to look the same as those we think are superior, believe the same as those in the majority, value the same things that capitalism says we should value. We celebrate Pride Month despite the Church’s disapproval. I only got to attend my first Pride march this year. I’ve never felt so surrounded by love until that day. That was also my first protest and I’ve never felt so empowered. Silence cannot be and should not be an option now.

Not all Christians are like Charlie Kirk, thank goodness. But I do believe that your political views reflect who you are. Where you stand on issues is where you stand in history. And so with the pastor of whom I expected from the most to be inclusive, loving, and hateful of injustice? I wish I am wrong still.

But I am done with the self-righteousness. I am done with the holier-than-thou narrative. I am done with the exclusivity and selective empathy. Because otherwise, if you call that being a Christian, then I am most certainly not.

If there is anything I know about the Jesus Christ I’ve been taught and grew up to believing in, it’s that He would not condone the madness that they now call being a Christian.

♡♥︎♡

dear reader,

it is still September 12 in the year of 2025, hours after finalizing my words above with a period and a sigh of release. i have slept — finally! — for 4 hours right after having brunch and rereading my writing, and despite having only those 4 hours of sleep in the day, it allowed me to melt in the comforts of my bed. i wish everyone can sleep as soundly as i did.

before i hit Publish, i pondered on whether my anger, my words, even have meaning. do they even matter? will anyone actually read it? will it do anything? right now, i have little confidence in its importance and value to you. however, if they resonate in any way, well, i’m glad i’m not alone. but if i am, it is okay. it is and will not be enough to shut the eyes and turn away.

i wish you love in all the ways it can manifest in your life, reader. thanks.

x vera florence

[femmeflorenxe]

ya know what, i just realized how un-embarrassing it is to be 'simping' or be head-over-heels with my gf/wife. i'll be smiling like a lovesick idiot whenever i mention her and i'm never ashamed about it. hayyyy

[femmeflorenxe]

Recently watched The Haunting of Bly Manor and finished it with a part of my lesbian soul taken. Goodbye.

[femmeflorenxe]

i just FUCKING KNOW i'll sleep easier, quicker, and a whole lotta better if my wife is beside me.

[femmeflorenxe]

A very Merry Christmas to those who celebrate & for those who don't, Happy Holidays! And for those in between, hiiiii! 😌

Ya girl's out! I mean, Christmas Eve, I came out to my mom (my dad already knew his daughter's gay weeks prior already so, it really was just mom I needed to come out to). Wrote her a letter with 4.7k words then printed it to be a zine so I could give it to her on Christmas Eve.

And what do you know—she already knew. Family's needing a little adjusting ('little' is an understatement, I know) but what matters is 🥺 i'm out. 🤧

The closet was getting a little stuffy inside anyway. I feel a lot safer than before and hey, maybe I could introduce to them someone someday soon. We'll never know. 😏

Merry Christmas to this femme baby 🎄🤸🏼‍♀️