How To Extinguish A Phoenix
PHOENIX: ACHOO! (bursts into flames)
ME: (sprays down with fire extinguisher)
PHOENIX: (sniff) . . . I think that-ah-ACHOO (combusts again)
ME: (sprays again) We might need to switch extinguishers here soon.
PHOENIX: Already?! Just let me di-ah-ah . . . ! No, lost that one. Anyway, just let me die, then!
ME: Not a chance, buddy! You told me no matter what, don’t let you burn to ash, because a cold isn’t as bad as spending six months regrowing your feathers. Focus on that! The meds should kick in soon! And I’m not giving your deposit back!
PHOENIX: I knooow, but I haaate thiiis . . . ah-ah-AH—!
ME: (sprays)
PHOENIX: (sputtering) At least wait until I’m ACTUALLY on fire!
ME: (sheepish) Sorry. I got excited.
PHOENIX: So glad you’re enjoying yourself!
ME: Look, I do not care how much you paid me: Dodging flammable pheonix snot is not how I like to pass my time. But fire extinguishers are fun, and if we’re both going to be miserable, I don’t see why we shouldn’t relish what little joy is to be had here.
PHOENIX: . . . That’s fair, I guess.
ME: Tell you what—if I catch fire, you can spray ME down.
PHOENIX: Aw, thanks. That’s really . . . ah . . . ah . . . ACHOO!!!
ME: (sprays)
———
(A/N: This one goes out to all the people afflicted with holiday bugs! There’s SO MANY OF YOU, my WORD. I hope you feel better and still have a very Merry Christmas and all the other holidays left this year!)
For more assorted nonsense, visit my How To Guides for Mythical Creatures Masterlist!
