#forever14

[okaurhsk]

𝐈𝐌𝐀𝐆𝐈𝐍𝐄𝐒 ✿␈ - jayklickin (on Wattpad) https://www.wattpad.com/1276811010-%F0%9D%90%88%F0%9D%90%8C%F0%9D%90%80%F0%9D%90%86%F0%9D%90%88%F0%9D%90%8D%F0%9D%90%84%F0%9D%90%92-%E2%9C%BF%E2%90%88-jayklickin?utm_source=web&utm_medium=tumblr&utm_content=share_reading_amp imagines of drill rappers .

[dutch-nt]

One year ago today, football lost a true legend. 

[onethousandseventysevenreasons]

Hi, ▇▇. My love. My beautiful angel.

Today marks 3 years you’ve been gone. Every day still hurts. I have no idea how or why I chose to stay here. You’ve missed so much … I’m a completely different person now. This time of year always brings back such terrible memories.

I know you’re content with the choice you made, but I wish I could have prevented it somehow. I wish I had been there—in real life, and not over the phone—so I could have given you a hug to let you know everything was going to be okay. 

For a while, I was so mad at you.

How could you do that?

How could you show me that?

Why would you do that to our families and to me?

Unfortunately the older I get, the more and more I understand why you did that. The world is so cruel and the escape from reality seems necessary.  They say life is short but I feel like it’s too long.

1095 days without you.

It’s funny because it’s not funny.

It’s funny because I have erased any evidence of your existence.

It’s funny because it still hurts.

I don’t want to be poetic, I want to empathize with you. But the question still passes through my mind every once in a while.

Who hurt you?

We had been friends since I was 9 and you were 8. And then one day you just … Changed.

Shortly after you passed I got raped. It changed me a lot. Not as much as what you did. But it changed me.

I spend every day laughing and trying to hide the fact that my emotional pain is unbearable. People think I’m a guy with no filter and no shame. 

I think the reality of it is, ▇▇, I will never feel the way I felt when it was just us. When we would walk home from school together, and then the sadness I would feel when we had to go down different streets to go home. But then the happiness I felt when you texted me less than 30 minutes later asking if I wanted to FaceTime. 

It’s a fleeting feeling. 

And it fled too fast. 

How can I only be 17? I feel like my life is coming to a closing chapter but people keep telling me I’ve just begun.

I’ve been getting really into my studies and trying to move out. I have 3 ½ credits left, and then I’m done. The issue of the matter, of course, is that my mom is so obsessed with me.

You probably remember that though. I’ve had Life360 since I was 8.

Actually, I think I’ve lost the incentive to keep telling you these things.

I thought about that night. It actually passes through my mind a lot. I tried going spiritual for a while, just trying to see if maybe it could help. I would look at the stars and say that you were up there looking down on me, making sure I stayed safe.

Now the stars hurt.

Now the sunsets hurt.

Being in the dark hurts.

And that’s what you did to me. You left me in the dark.

Now even the thought of you hurts.

I never thought it would get this bad.

You never think the one person in your life you can always depend on will just leave forever.

But maybe it’s not forever, maybe we meet up again somewhere after we’ve died. I have low expectations for that, but I can hope.

I think if there is a good and a bad place, I’m going to the bad place. I’m not a good person, even with all of the nice things people say about me, I’m not a good person. 

After you died, I stopped eating. I dropped like 90lbs, I want to say thank you but all it did was fuck me up. I had to go into a residential program. It was absolutely horrible. They gaslit me and my parents into stuff that wasn’t true. Then they got me on medication just to numb me out, so I couldn’t truly feel the emotions I had. Who needs emotions anyway. I got off the medications they had me on. I have high days and low days, but most are pretty vanilla.

That’s part of the reason I’m writing to you. I found someone just like you.

Just like you…

But, since you left I don’t trust the same.

I don't feel the same.

I don't think the same.

I will deny it until I die to anybody else.

But,

You ruined me.

And I can’t forgive you.

But I miss you. I miss myself.

[candidamorris]

Crying is so important; it helps us to cope with all the feelings we have no way of processing otherwise. Just because you cry alone does not mean you are alone. We must each of us address our feelings, good, bad, crushing, etc. Even happy events can overwhelm us; crying is healthy. I will face this life with eyes that sparkle from the tears they shed. I love endlessly; I hurt endlessly, yet I know whom I trust, He is with us always. Ka'tiauna's mom #forever14 6-22-21 #katiauna #sayiloveyou #lifeisfragile #suicidesurviver https://www.instagram.com/p/CZ-TjLNvhAD/?utm_medium=tumblr

[candidamorris]

Ka'tiauna, you have always been part of me; you will always be part of me. In the silence of my cries, in the hidden screams of my heart, you are with me. As your mother, I will carry you into all the tomorrow of this life. Till we meet again. #katiauna #sayiloveyou #forever14 #suicidesurviver #lifeisfragile #bendnotbreak #bendnotbreaktour https://www.instagram.com/p/CYLwf-prJDH/?utm_medium=tumblr

[candidamorris]

6 months 26 weeks 182 days A lifetime to go, eternity is waiting. ⏳️ Seconds tick by as the minutes, hours, days, weeks, and now months drown me in a sea of shattered dreams.  This fractured reality has given birth to a me I never thought possible, she has faced pain, anguish, loss, anger, grief, and taught me about love, patience, hope, forgiveness, gentleness, faith and longsuffering.  Most days slip by in silence while I scream in my mind.  Some days, the fog is so thick that my heart is lost to me.  All of the days since have been filled with love for you.  https://youtu.be/l31xRa0CDlo ~Hilary Weeks "This Isn't Goodbye" I wasn′t ready to let you go But heaven was calling Calling you home The distance between us is deep as the sky But I still feel you close In the quiet moments when I'm alone When the tears won′t stop and it hurts to the bone You'll be right here in my heart When my heart is in pieces and I can't catch my breath I still know This isn't goodbye I will see you again It feels like it might be But it isn′t the end, not the end You′ll be right here in my heart Everyday of my life This isn't goodbye This isn′t goodbye When I close my eyes I see your face It's just one of those things that time couldn′t erase You'll be in my dreams and you′ll be on my mind 'Till that glorious day This isn't goodbye I will see you again It feels like it might be But it isn′t the end, not the end You′ll be right here in my heart Everyday of my life This isn't goodbye This isn′t goodbye This is 'see you soon I can′t wait for the day We'll make up for the moments we were away′ And it will feel almost like we were never apart Cause after this life I know I'll be right where you are This isn't goodbye I will see you again It feels like it might be But it isn′t the end, not the end You′ll be right here in my heart Everyday of my life This isn't goodbye This isn′t goodbye Ooh You'll be right here in my heart Mmm. everyday of my life This isn′t goodbye This isn't goodbye #katiauna #sayiloveyou #forever14 #suicidesurviver #lifeisfragile #brokenheart #Jesustakethewheel #familiesareeternal #love #thisisnotgoodbye https://www.instagram.com/p/CXyV3FZlShl/?utm_medium=tumblr

[candidamorris]

Suicide is NOT selfish "When a person dies by suicide, they leave behind an enormous amount of pain for their loved ones. As a result, many people believe the deceased acted selfishly, without consideration for the effects on others. However, this belief is one of the most harmful myths about suicide." https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/think-act-be/202003/is-suicide-really-selfish-act #katiauna #forever14 #sayiloveyou #lifeisfragile #suicidesurviver #familiesareforever https://www.instagram.com/p/CXu0BbGLs3v/?utm_medium=tumblr

[candidamorris]

Ka'tiauna's first birthday party, and the last birthday dinner we got to celebrate the joy Ka'tiauna brought with her and filled our hearts with love, caring, serving one another You're shattered Like you've never been before The life you knew In a thousand pieces on the floor And words fall short in times like these When this world drives you to your knees You think you're never gonna get back To the you that used to be Tell your heart to beat again Close your eyes and breathe it in Let the shadows fall away Step into the light of grace Yesterday's a closing door You don't live there anymore Say goodbye to where you've been And tell your heart to beat again Beginning Just let that word wash over you It's alright now Love's healing hands have pulled you through So get back up, take step one Leave the darkness, feel the sun 'Cause your story's far from over And your journey's just begun Tell your heart to beat again Close your eyes and breathe it in Let the shadows fall away Step into the light of grace Yesterday's a closing door You don't live there anymore Say goodbye to where you've been And tell your heart to beat again Let every heartbreak And every scar Be a picture that reminds you Who has carried you this far 'Cause love sees farther than you ever could In this moment heaven's working Everything for your good Tell your heart to beat again Close your eyes and breathe it in Let the shadows fall away Step into the light of grace Yesterday's a closing door You don't live there anymore Say goodbye to where you've been And tell your heart to beat again Your heart to beat again Beat again Oh, so tell your heart to beat again https://youtu.be/OrKc459IFTk #katiauna #sayiloveyou #lifeisfragile #brokenheart #forever14 #familiesareforever #suicidesurviver https://www.instagram.com/p/CVhM3NAl6yN/?utm_medium=tumblr