New Years' DND Session!
Okay so, my friend - @/coffeeshopdrawings - decided that we should start off the new year with a BANG, and play what has been proclaimed the shittiest oneshot ever. I was also asked to play Jonathan Sims, while J (a frequent individual on my blog) was playing Elias Bouchard. Here's what happened!:
So, character-wise! I made Jon a High Elf Druid, because Elias was a warlock and also I thought it would be funny to let him be a druid
J - @/shapes-and-also-colors - made Elias a High Elf Warlock, because of course he did. Of course.
Alongside Elias and Jon is my other friend, Sleepy's - @/sleepire - character, a changeling sorcerer by the name of Aik, or Whisper!
So, we started in some sort of place where there was dead land or something, with druids that had...run away? Listen I had just woken up, I'm sure the other guys have the rundown on the lore
Anyway, we get into this tavern, and Jon is immediately labelled 'the short one' by the bartender, who has no cider because there's no fresh fruit
Jon tries to ask the bartender for information about what's going on, old guy bursts in and monologues about some sort of thing where the druids are all gone and they need a druid to save the day
Oh yeah also there was apparently a town meeting in the tavern? And they just let random strangers sit in there?? Anyway the old guy's like hey these strangers can help
Whisper is like "oh absolutely yes we can do a quest," and Jon, the druid, is looking anywhere but at this scene because he wants to Get Out of there
Elias, always there to make Jon feel some form of anguish, is like "hey Jon, if we do this quest, I won't touch you once the entire time!" while rubbing Jon's back - he rolls a nat 20 on deception, so Jon only realises after he's agreed to do the quest. Joy!!
Whisper, trying to be supportive, tells Jon that he could make a great human shield if it comes down to it - Jon, of course, is not pleased
They're given a map, but it's like unnecessary because the path they're supposed to take is a straight line and so they can't really go wrong - oh? What's that? They missed the path and walked for half a day before they realised? WHAT??!?
That's right, folks, Elias was in charge of the map and he was not paying attention to it - when asked why, he shrugs! Jon hits him with his staff, causing six damage to the man. He receives three radiant damage from God for starting fights
Whisper is watching this go down like an individual watching their parents fight, and God decides enough is enough and rolls for their first encounter - what do you mean they have to fight twelve lizard men
Elias is made to go and talk to the lizard men. Elias flirts with the lizard men using lizard-based pickup lines. Elias fucks the lizard men. 5/12 are satisfied.
Jon and Whisper turn away and do everything in their power to pretend it's not happening.
Elias comes back, looking somehow better than before, and the journey unfortunately continues - this time, they do find the path, because Jon is in charge of the map
They go through a forest, all the wildlife is sleeping, yadda yadda, and they go into a pavilion that seems to be unoccupied until ah! A sleeping man in the bed!
Before Jon can get them out because breaking and entering, a - and it SPECIFIES this in the module - sixteen year old girl (a nymph, if I recall correctly) begs for their help to 'wake her lover from the curse'
Now, Jon is questioning what she means when she calls the GROWN MAN her lover (quote - "your lover?" "yes, my lover!" "your lover? That man is your lover?!")
While that's happening, Whisper has turned to Elias and persuades him to try and kiss the man awake (quote - "I mean you've been pretty much useless, but now you have use because you're a whore! Just give it a try!")
Elias doesn't even need to kiss the man awake, all he has to do is touch his shoulder and he wakes up - wow, that was easy, you may be thinking! That would be because the nymph cast the curse on her lover. Yep.
Learning this information, they take the reward (100 gold each, a potion of invisibility, and a potion to stop the sleeping curse over the lake) and Jon allows Whisper to set the house on fire while he and Elias pour the potion into the lake
Continuing on in their journey, they come to an inn, and decide it would be a good place to rest after their eventful day.
Jon immediately tries to specify three separate rooms, side-eyeing Elias as he does so, but the innkeeper tells them that there are only two rooms; one with one bed, and one with two beds
"Can't they have both?" Haha. No. There's 'another party behind them'. So, Whisper comes to the rescue and happily says that they'll sleep on the floor, meaning Jon and Elias can sleep in separate beds in the two bed room!
The innkeeper throws the keys to Jon after he pays, but they go sailing over his head. Jon is not pleased. Elias, the one who caught them, is.
They go into the room, expecting to see two beds-...this just in, there's a suspicious bed shaped hole in the window, so they are down to two. Jon is not pleased. Elias is.
Now, Jon tries to offer to sleep on the floor, but he does have an incredibly fucked up leg and it's probably worse for him to sleep on the floor, so he contents himself to using his staff to push Elias off the bed throughout the night.
They wake up the next morning and they've been robbed. Everything. Clothes included. Yes, this is an actual part of the fucking module, nobody was happy (except maybe Elias, but that's because he's a fucking creep).
Jon (immediately wrapped in the blanket on the bed, for he is no fool) and Whisper notice rat tracks on the floor (I don't want to know what Elias was looking at to not notice them), and they decide to follow the rat tracks!
Wererats. Fucking. Wererats.
Instead of gearing up for a fight, Jon and Whisper immediately try and sacrifice Elias to the wererats in return for their shit back.
It works.
Elias is shoved into a sack, and Jon contents in the fact that that will keep him away for at least three months.
Honestly, I did most of this sleep deprived, so these are the bits I remember best, but yeah! Fun!! I have to write a fic related to druid Jon because I put too much time into his backstory for it to be wasted on this oneshot.
