#free written

[kuta-1992]

Living the journey.

I am placed with an awareness, that brings me Bliss. That love is being spread worldwide. As I sit here watching music videos, analyzing the meanings and portrayel's, I happened to stumble upon actual music with substance. Substance that portrays love, strength, mercy, xcetera. I guess love exist in more places than I expected, it just all depends where you look. More so, where you focus. I've come across a lot of "bad people" in my life. Using manipulation to for fill their lustfull desires. As I've come across a lot of people who lack substance. Like thay stay stagnant above the surface. I grew up in an environment full of ego, hate and fear. So to believe that someone actually loves me, unconditionally with all understanding, would be quite a stretch. It's like giving your heart away with all faith that it won't be Crushed. But as such the inner critic convinces​ you that it will. I will tell you something I do know. That opening your heart and letting things be. Loving yourself for who you really are deeply and unconditionally. Takes tremendous strength. Its the risk, the terrifying sacrifice of letting go that we fail to pursue. But believe me surrendering under love or God as you may call it, will bring blessing upon your life. But I'm just happy to see people gaining the strength to look at the universe with more depth. To be more spiritual/logical at the same time. To love themselves as they would love their fellow man. Think, wouldn't it be a wonderful world if we can all spread this essence and change over 7 Billion Lives. The world would be a lesser heaven And hell would just become a forgotten man-made concept. Because in all reality we create our own demons. As we create our own heaven. But either way we serve under fear or love. We all are born under love, pure as can be and that's what will set us free, what a wonderful feeling it is to have this epiphany. In the land of the living and home of the free. We can pursue love, mercy, and serenity That's what really matters. That's what we will see. That is what I call LIVEING.

[the-devine-feminine-sex-machine]

A key element different between a girl and a lady is simply class

[lavender-inkwell]

12:15

It's late and I'm writing again

Missing the way things were when we were still friends

Late night laughs, holding hands

Driving around hoping the darkness could end

It's still early, not late yet in the day

And I keep kicking myself for letting you get away

Do you remember me too?

Remember how we danced? The way you looked at me? The things we drew? Do you sit somewhere in the world wondering if I miss you too?

It's late for the world but not for us

Shared whispers on the floor, sweaters keeping us warm

Hot chocolate and typing; a smell and a sound

You in a chair and me on the ground

A room forever going yet paused to time

For a moment then I almost asked you to be mine....

Three different memories

Three kinds of sadness

A new sadness now in a lack of sleep

That makes me keep typing for if not, I'll weep.

[write-out-your-hearts-desire]

Human being

At home, working for herself, Building her life,

Brick for brick.

As if we didn't expect a sacrifice to come for us. Aren't we all prey to something?

Is she looking? Did she find it?

That Human Being.

[lavender-inkwell]

A Pacing Train

Im tired of always hearing things like "we'll hang out soon" and "i miss you" said in the same tone as "how are you". It is no meaningful just part of the script of daily life and I'm tired.

Tired of feeling alone becasue no one follows through even when I take the lead to plan. Tired because I actually care how you've been.

I know that languages change and friends can come and go in waves but I'm tired of sitting on the stand drawing with the atick in my hand.

I want words to mean something again. I want people to be genuine when they ask how my day has been. I want them to know how much I really want to hear about theirs...

A writer without words is left staring at a blank screen. I can't write what I feel because words with feeling have become too common and those who read them are overwhelmed.

I keep stopping and starting toying with words and ways to make others listen. To bring back the care in casual questions. I'm so tired yet the document grows longer as the storm rages on.

[lavender-inkwell]

Chocolate Milk & Cherries

There is an innocence in the light sound of rain as the otherwise silent night envelopes you like a sweater. Alone with your thoughts even though there are other living things in the room, you take a moment to just breathe.

You've missed this feeling of security in solitude.

Once sour thoughts fall through your mind with the rain. Tonight they are sweet and mild and comforting. You sip from a mug, not daring to be louder than the pitter patter against the window.

You wish more nights could feel like tonight. Where metaphor an midnight snacking blend together and you feel at peace with yourself.

The rain contiunes to fall and you slowly finish your drink. When morning comes everything will feel different so you lock down the feeling of chocolate milk and cherries at night.

Hopefully they will both taste sweeter still in tomorrow's light...

[lavender-inkwell]

A Writer Without

I am a writer who is afraid of writing.

To give words to the things that already weigh heavy on my heart

If I put words to them, put a pen to them,

The could become heavier and pull me down...

So I type them...

No that’s worse.

Now these thoughts, the painful anchors are much clearer to read;

And harder to run away from.

Delete it and try again in a softer tone.

Pencil! That’s a softer feel that typing

Except my hands shake as I write to the point I cannot read my own words

New plan, no, new words...

I am a writer who has become afraid of writing

Of sharing how I truly feel

Or worse, allowing myself to feel

I already feel like I’m drowning I don’t need to read it out

I don’t want anyone else to read it;

To feel my pain.

So now I’m at my worst....

For I am a writer without words.

[write-out-your-hearts-desire]

Inhale, insert consciousness now... please standby.

Exhale.

Coating my insides like a parasite, leeching off of me as if I'm something.. I'm nothing now after all these years.

They're all clawing and chippin away at my psyche, no defense.

Seems I'm fighting a losing battle..

I'm down for the count, but how about you continue for both of us?

If I asked that of you, what would you say?

Been a minute huh? Jacob's not here, he clocked out.

Too much stress in reality so he drifts off into a world unknown to most.

The return to it all is pain.. is that why he continues it?

Maybe you can ask him someday. One can hope.

Make it soon, for you do not know how much strength is left within this one..