#fuckmormons

[celestialironys-blog]

Let's get something straight

If you happen to be reading my shitty blog, you will know that I have recently left the Mormon cult. I want to jump on a more personal note of how I am taking this whole process. It's honestly, a-fucking-lot. I don't want anyone to think that just because I stepped out of that shit hole, that it is now all fun and rainbows, because it is far from it. I was "born in the covenant" which means you are automatically a little morm from your first breath and you are sealed to your parents for all time and eternity. Oh, unless you remove your records from the church via snail mail with a notary signature, then that somehow makes your eternity go up in smoke. It's fucking hard out here. I watched a TikTok the other day with an exmo and she explained it as grieving over a lost loved one. She described her transition to the normal world through the seven stages of grief, WHICH MAKES TOTAL FUCKING SENSE. I got caught up in a depression for a little bit and I haven't even posted on here because of it. I didn't even have the energy to write down my thoughts and feelings. When this bullshit has been shoved down your throat your whole life, it's extremely hard to fully accept real life. I was taught that if I was righteous enough and paid my tithing that I would one day have a fucking PLANET. Brainwashed isn't even a strong enough word. All in all, my transition to normal life is still difficult and isn't in full swing. I have yet to even say it aloud to my dad and step-mom although I am positive they have an idea. I have finally worked up the courage to wear Nike shorts to my parents house and in the car I cried because of the panic of their reaction. This way of life is not OK. Please do not join the Mormon faith, because it will ruin your life. You will feel guilt for everything, you will question nothing out of fear and you will gaslight the ever living shit out of yourself saying it's because you weren't righteous enough to deserve what you want. K, love you. Bye

[celestialironys-blog]

my thoughts the last few days.

I am definitely more confident expressing my feelings on here than tiktok. I'm simply not cool enough to keep things interesting or have the energy to make a fucking charade for 60 sec. I've been having some thoughts lately about my experiences and I cannot believe I used to believe what I did. Saying it aloud makes me feel so ridiculous, but what can you do? I am waiting for the day that I am called into a disciplinary council or given the ultimatum of excommunication or the repentance process and I could not laugh any harder. At the same time something in me feels kind of sad. Not that I am out and zero feelings of guilt, but true sadness. Something that I held on to for years is gone. The church was my excuse for everything and now I am out of excuses. I actually have to tell people no because, BOUNDARIES. That is a difficult thing to get passed when you have been groomed your whole life into being a people pleaser. To be polite and courteous. I have been told since I was a child that the Lord hears me and knows my thoughts. He knows what you are going to choose and that is why we have the repentance process for your imperfections. I have been trained to somehow strive for perfection and when you don't achieve it, you better ask for forgiveness. I find myself doing that still. Not necessarily in prayer, but to those around me. For instance, I learned that someone I used to work with wanted a job at my current job. I told my boss and coworkers my experiences with her at my previous place of employment. I told the truth and did not hold back my feelings. Afterwards, I felt so guilty for "gossiping" about someone that I ended up apologizing to the staff for saying too much. I feel guilt for sharing opinions, because we as young women were told that was ugly. That you will be a problem and an embarrassment to yourself and your family. I didn't realize how ingrained this all was in my personality and habits. I thought that it would all go away after I stopped attending, but it is so much more than that.

[celestialironys-blog]

music

You know what breaks my fucking heart?

Growing to love music because of the church. I can play 5 instruments and would love to learn more, but when I even think about touching a piano.. all I want to play are hymns. That is what I know how to read best and the simplified hymn book was my best friend. ( I only had piano lessons for a year unfortunately.) I find myself more and more humming and singing hymns during the day and I didn't really do that as a TBM. It's so bizarre.

[celestialironys-blog]

hey all my exmos/mormon haters

I have done it, I have put my goddamn face on tiktok. I felt really inspired by all of the exmo content out there to start my own, even though I am not a great public speaker. Maybe it's because I didn't bare my testimony enough HA. If you would like to put a face to the name and shit talking that has been done on here, you are more than welcome to follow my account. @yoohooshitheads is my tiktok account. TYSM. Keep being sinners.

[celestialironys-blog]

Patriarchal blessing

Can we talk about how this "blessing" is utter bullshit and is a just a vague copy and paste obedience tactic within the church.

"Honor your mother and father."

"These blessings will be yours as long as you are faithful"

I seriously didn't even recognize how fake it was until after I left. My patriarch asked me if I had anything specific I wanted to know from my Heavenly Father. OF COURSE, he would just slide that personal tidbit in to make it feel more realistic and unique to me. What a crock of shit. Honestly, I don't even know how I thought this religion was "true". What a joke.

[celestialironys-blog]

still pissed

I have stepped away for a minute to stew in silence. I also have some personal shit going on in regards to family, busy at work and exhausted from having a one year old. 

Today, i was at work and a coworker/friend of mine were discussing our different experiences in regards to the Mormon temple. They havent gone “all the way” through the temple as most TBMs do in their adulthood. She saw the light at an early age and never had to be put through that hell. We started googling pictures of the insides of the different temples we had been through because in all reality, while I hate the Mormon church and most of the fake ass people associated with it, the temples are BEAUTIFUL. (By God they better be since it was made off of 10% of my income.) I came across a picture that really kind of sent me.  As an outsider looking in I was kind of shocked. There is a picture out there of a sealing room with a woman fully dressed in her temple dress and gear. She is also fully veiled. THAT SCARED THE FUCK OUT OF ME. Looking at that shit now, it’s obvious why they don’t tell anyone about temple clothing or rituals. IT’S TERRIFYING. I am still just bitter. I am mad that this stupid faith made me so anxious and guilty all the time.. I am mad they took my childhood away, robbed me of a normal wedding and robbed me of my own mind. 

[celestialironys-blog]

Okie not from Muskogee

I moved away from it all. I went back to Oklahoma and found my way back to my previous job as did *Bob. We struggled with the church since we have been married and blamed our lack of attendance on being tired and needing a whole day together since I worked on Saturdays and *Bob had weekends off. This is where I get really pissed about my life. Somehow, some way I convinced myself that as an adult I needed to like “adult” things, like Nissans. Not like a 370Z, but an Altima. I convinced myself I needed a “like new” car that was reliable and efficient. I made sure that I had a vehicle equipped with 4 doors for children, low mileage and great mpg. Interestingly enough, I didn’t even want children, but I knew it was expected of me. So, instead of buying a 1970s El Camino and blasting some fucking Jim Croce, I settled for the expectation. 

Life moved on and I became a dog groomer. I convinced myself that I was meant to live in this shit hole state because my family was here, cost of living is cheap and I wanted chickens so I could buy acreage when I was “more adult”.  The short story is, I gave up myself because I believed that I couldn’t like “childish” things and be a respected adult. A lot of that comes from my dad, but a lot of it comes from the church as well. I gave up a lot about myself that I had forgotten I had tucked away. Well, it took having a child to wake me up. He was blessed in the church which also happened to be the last day I ever attended. March 8th, 2020. It took some time to openly admit that we were not going only because of COVID and having a small child to wrangle. It is interesting to me when I think about it. The thing the church wants from you the most is a child/children. “Guaranteed” members to add to the millions. My child is what started my true awakening. My child, that is supposed to add another notch in my belt to get me to the celestial kingdom made me realize that there isn’t one. He saved me when I didn’t know I was even lost.  

[breelikescats]

its moments like these when my abandonment issues really shine through, it took you all of about a month to remember that staying isn't something you are good at. 

I hope you keep writing, i hope you find yourself, i hope i still recognize you when you get back.