Ex

How finding a game made me realize I hated how I was raised. Exmormon blog, working through my bullshit one day at a time. Bisexual🌈

[celestialironys-blog]

It be like that.

If you are an exmo, you should know better than anyone how it feels to be reborn. I have always been so captivated by a person who has changed so much for the better. Whether it's rehab, cutting off toxic people or leaving a cult. I never thought I would be one of those amazing people who are so different than who they used to be. I always thought that who I was was it. I couldn't possibly evolve into an entire different person in this lifetime.

BUT, then it hit me. Somewhere along the way I unlocked the secret code and started the path of learning about myself every single day. It's a bizarre process, because I finally admit to things that I like that I never thought I would. A big one for me is anime. My best friend who has helped me so much always includes me in on some rad ass anime geared tiktoks. I never thought that I would be into anything of Asian culture because I thought it was different growing up and my dad is a racist. OPE.

I find myself changing friends who said they respected me and my religion at the time. After my shelf cracking, they got me belligerent drunk to the point of pissing in my clothes closet. I thought we could finally bridge the gap of awkwardness, maybe pick out some clothes together that aren't determined by temple garments (a BIG step in a friendship for me is doing "girly" things together) and do normal people things like go for coffee or drinks. LIES. Once I was out and had a baby they just stopped. It really hurt because I actually came out as bisexual to them before I was out. I considered them close and had her and her husband over for dinner often. I don't invite people in my home or in my life a lot. I guess I'm just rambling at this point, but life is weird and so much fun at the same time.

[celestialironys-blog]

Patriarchal blessing

Can we talk about how this "blessing" is utter bullshit and is a just a vague copy and paste obedience tactic within the church.

"Honor your mother and father."

"These blessings will be yours as long as you are faithful"

I seriously didn't even recognize how fake it was until after I left. My patriarch asked me if I had anything specific I wanted to know from my Heavenly Father. OF COURSE, he would just slide that personal tidbit in to make it feel more realistic and unique to me. What a crock of shit. Honestly, I don't even know how I thought this religion was "true". What a joke.

[celestialironys-blog]

music

You know what breaks my fucking heart?

Growing to love music because of the church. I can play 5 instruments and would love to learn more, but when I even think about touching a piano.. all I want to play are hymns. That is what I know how to read best and the simplified hymn book was my best friend. ( I only had piano lessons for a year unfortunately.) I find myself more and more humming and singing hymns during the day and I didn't really do that as a TBM. It's so bizarre.

[celestialironys-blog]

my thoughts the last few days.

I am definitely more confident expressing my feelings on here than tiktok. I'm simply not cool enough to keep things interesting or have the energy to make a fucking charade for 60 sec. I've been having some thoughts lately about my experiences and I cannot believe I used to believe what I did. Saying it aloud makes me feel so ridiculous, but what can you do? I am waiting for the day that I am called into a disciplinary council or given the ultimatum of excommunication or the repentance process and I could not laugh any harder. At the same time something in me feels kind of sad. Not that I am out and zero feelings of guilt, but true sadness. Something that I held on to for years is gone. The church was my excuse for everything and now I am out of excuses. I actually have to tell people no because, BOUNDARIES. That is a difficult thing to get passed when you have been groomed your whole life into being a people pleaser. To be polite and courteous. I have been told since I was a child that the Lord hears me and knows my thoughts. He knows what you are going to choose and that is why we have the repentance process for your imperfections. I have been trained to somehow strive for perfection and when you don't achieve it, you better ask for forgiveness. I find myself doing that still. Not necessarily in prayer, but to those around me. For instance, I learned that someone I used to work with wanted a job at my current job. I told my boss and coworkers my experiences with her at my previous place of employment. I told the truth and did not hold back my feelings. Afterwards, I felt so guilty for "gossiping" about someone that I ended up apologizing to the staff for saying too much. I feel guilt for sharing opinions, because we as young women were told that was ugly. That you will be a problem and an embarrassment to yourself and your family. I didn't realize how ingrained this all was in my personality and habits. I thought that it would all go away after I stopped attending, but it is so much more than that.

[celestialironys-blog]

hey all my exmos/mormon haters

I have done it, I have put my goddamn face on tiktok. I felt really inspired by all of the exmo content out there to start my own, even though I am not a great public speaker. Maybe it's because I didn't bare my testimony enough HA. If you would like to put a face to the name and shit talking that has been done on here, you are more than welcome to follow my account. @yoohooshitheads is my tiktok account. TYSM. Keep being sinners.

[celestialironys-blog]

Let's get something straight

If you happen to be reading my shitty blog, you will know that I have recently left the Mormon cult. I want to jump on a more personal note of how I am taking this whole process. It's honestly, a-fucking-lot. I don't want anyone to think that just because I stepped out of that shit hole, that it is now all fun and rainbows, because it is far from it. I was "born in the covenant" which means you are automatically a little morm from your first breath and you are sealed to your parents for all time and eternity. Oh, unless you remove your records from the church via snail mail with a notary signature, then that somehow makes your eternity go up in smoke. It's fucking hard out here. I watched a TikTok the other day with an exmo and she explained it as grieving over a lost loved one. She described her transition to the normal world through the seven stages of grief, WHICH MAKES TOTAL FUCKING SENSE. I got caught up in a depression for a little bit and I haven't even posted on here because of it. I didn't even have the energy to write down my thoughts and feelings. When this bullshit has been shoved down your throat your whole life, it's extremely hard to fully accept real life. I was taught that if I was righteous enough and paid my tithing that I would one day have a fucking PLANET. Brainwashed isn't even a strong enough word. All in all, my transition to normal life is still difficult and isn't in full swing. I have yet to even say it aloud to my dad and step-mom although I am positive they have an idea. I have finally worked up the courage to wear Nike shorts to my parents house and in the car I cried because of the panic of their reaction. This way of life is not OK. Please do not join the Mormon faith, because it will ruin your life. You will feel guilt for everything, you will question nothing out of fear and you will gaslight the ever living shit out of yourself saying it's because you weren't righteous enough to deserve what you want. K, love you. Bye

[celestialironys-blog]

Where?

Today, I am struggling and I don’t know if it’s the weather, my anxiety about traveling or my stress that we having been lying to my family about staying in Oklahoma. For some time now, my husband and I have decided that it is necessary for the growth of our child to move back to my husband’s hometown. We currently reside in my home town where people don’t branch out any further than the oil field. There is a very large drug problem in our area as far as meth and it’s a norm that people smoke their morning meth like it’s their fav cold brew and go to work. It’s EVERYWHERE. I know there are drugs every where so that isn’t my main concern, it’s the ignorance. I, myself, am bisexual. I have purple hair, piercings and tattoos and I wear a lot of black. I know what you’re thinking. “Okay? That’s fine.” Well, when you walk into Colton’s steakhouse and they are jammin’ to some Brooks & Dunn, people tend to look at you like you’re a indigent freak. People tend to throw around the F word a lot here for people who are attracted to the opposite sex. They love Trump, mullets, Academy Sports, and college football. If it ain’t a v8, it doesn’t matter and if it can’t pull anything than you are classified as a loser. Not to mention we are in the Bible belt. My boss literally thinks that her daughter is gay because she doesn’t pray hard enough and that breaks my fucking soul. After long nights of discussion we have decided that we cannot raise our child in this environment. This perdition in North West Oklahoma that shames people for being different. This blackhole of a place where people barely graduate high school and if they are so lucky they never leave. People here are satisfied with mundane activities and Mexican food restaurants on every block. The best way to describe where I live is if you were to watch Jack Black’s ‘Bernie’. It’s accurate down to accent. 

Any way. I have veered off my topic a bit, but I am now questioning if my husband and I are just running away from contention? Are we just wanting to leave because we can’t deal or we just don’t want to. Have we developed an attitude of flight instead of fight because we are sick of being told what is acceptable and what is not because of our Mormon upbringing? I would hate to give up our stability for the unknown. 

[celestialironys-blog]

still pissed

I have stepped away for a minute to stew in silence. I also have some personal shit going on in regards to family, busy at work and exhausted from having a one year old. 

Today, i was at work and a coworker/friend of mine were discussing our different experiences in regards to the Mormon temple. They havent gone “all the way” through the temple as most TBMs do in their adulthood. She saw the light at an early age and never had to be put through that hell. We started googling pictures of the insides of the different temples we had been through because in all reality, while I hate the Mormon church and most of the fake ass people associated with it, the temples are BEAUTIFUL. (By God they better be since it was made off of 10% of my income.) I came across a picture that really kind of sent me.  As an outsider looking in I was kind of shocked. There is a picture out there of a sealing room with a woman fully dressed in her temple dress and gear. She is also fully veiled. THAT SCARED THE FUCK OUT OF ME. Looking at that shit now, it’s obvious why they don’t tell anyone about temple clothing or rituals. IT’S TERRIFYING. I am still just bitter. I am mad that this stupid faith made me so anxious and guilty all the time.. I am mad they took my childhood away, robbed me of a normal wedding and robbed me of my own mind. 

[celestialironys-blog]

Sorry I’ve been silent. Too busy watching Murder Amongst the Mormons on Netflix. Holy shit.

[celestialironys-blog]

Okie not from Muskogee

I moved away from it all. I went back to Oklahoma and found my way back to my previous job as did *Bob. We struggled with the church since we have been married and blamed our lack of attendance on being tired and needing a whole day together since I worked on Saturdays and *Bob had weekends off. This is where I get really pissed about my life. Somehow, some way I convinced myself that as an adult I needed to like “adult” things, like Nissans. Not like a 370Z, but an Altima. I convinced myself I needed a “like new” car that was reliable and efficient. I made sure that I had a vehicle equipped with 4 doors for children, low mileage and great mpg. Interestingly enough, I didn’t even want children, but I knew it was expected of me. So, instead of buying a 1970s El Camino and blasting some fucking Jim Croce, I settled for the expectation. 

Life moved on and I became a dog groomer. I convinced myself that I was meant to live in this shit hole state because my family was here, cost of living is cheap and I wanted chickens so I could buy acreage when I was “more adult”.  The short story is, I gave up myself because I believed that I couldn’t like “childish” things and be a respected adult. A lot of that comes from my dad, but a lot of it comes from the church as well. I gave up a lot about myself that I had forgotten I had tucked away. Well, it took having a child to wake me up. He was blessed in the church which also happened to be the last day I ever attended. March 8th, 2020. It took some time to openly admit that we were not going only because of COVID and having a small child to wrangle. It is interesting to me when I think about it. The thing the church wants from you the most is a child/children. “Guaranteed” members to add to the millions. My child is what started my true awakening. My child, that is supposed to add another notch in my belt to get me to the celestial kingdom made me realize that there isn’t one. He saved me when I didn’t know I was even lost.  

[celestialironys-blog]

breaking

Now that you all know about me and my experience at BYUI. That didn’t stop me from moving away to come right back to it. Within the next year and a half maybe my husband and I went back. This time was far worse. We moved into an apartment we could barely afford, because somehow with a FAFSA check, the church taking 10% of your income biweekly and LIMITED jobs in the area due to an overpopulated small town overran by students you are supposed to pay 900+ for a studio-one bedroom apartment. When I say I struggled, I don’t mean it was kind of hard and a little lonely. I mean I cried on the ground in the maverick parking lot because I felt as if I couldn’t breathe and that I seemed to be the only normal person within a 100 mile radius. I was swallowed whole by isolation. My husband worked from 6pm-2am some times 3am. He was a manager for Papa John’s and he made some good friends there. Some we still talk to today. However, while he felt apart of something I felt like I was in the middle of the ocean (mountains really) just stranded. I tried to be friends with a neighbor, but somehow I could never keep a friend. No one wanted to be around me or wanted to talk. Years later, I realized it was because they to were going through the same depression I was going through. 

The depression I had consumed all of me. I had never felt this way my whole life. Every where I went I was known as Sister (last name) not by my first name. It was expected that I was complete perfection at all times by the society around me. It got to the point where I had to force myself to shower. I stayed up all hours of the night and would go to work at the hotel as a housekeeper in the morning. Come home and sleep until it was the next morning. We would drive to Idaho Falls at 3am because we could grocery shop at Winco without students bombarding us. It was like I was trapped in an alternate universe where normal activities, places and practices did not exist. My family thought I was being dramatic and would never want to talk to me for more than 10 minutes on the phone. I had never felt so shell shocked, alone and numb. 

[celestialironys-blog]

Our story

My husband, who I will refer to as Bob in this blog out of anonymity, and I were so anxious about our wedding night. To keep it short, it was TERRIBLE. Aside from the millions of bobby pins in my hair and my corset dress being a bitch to get off, we couldn’t even figure sex out. We were both virgins and yes we knew what was supposed to happen, but that didn’t make a damn. I ended up crying in our hotel bathroom on the toilet. 

Fast-forward a month and we were moving to Rexburg, ID together to attend BYU-I. HERE, at this point of my life I should have ran for the goddamn hills. Fuck the temple, but instead insert yourself into Married Student Wards and the bullshit that emerges from it.  These people are actually on another fucking level. Our first Sunday in attendance to our sacrament meeting was outrageous. I have never seen such unhappy molly mormons in my life. All of them trying to present themselves as the most perfect, educated women. It was like a silent competition of who could get pregnant faster and who could serve the best meal in 30 minutes or less while quoting the BOM. (Book of Mormon). As a women that was in this community it is brutal. The word “fake” doesn’t even cover it. Anyway, the opening prayer is something my husband and I will never forget. “Please bless those who are pregnant at this time that they will be healthy and that those who are not pregnant will become pregnant.” OPE, what the actual fuck. Bob and I looked at each other so fast that I thought we might have drawn attention to our irreverence. Our bishop told us not to drink root beer out of glass bottles for it gave the appearance of evil. Uhm, okay. For anyone who is considering this religion and/or moving to Rexburg. Turn the fuck around, they don’t even let Walgreens stay open past 9pm. the entire town is controlled by the church and the school. You have absolutely no privacy or freedom. Even after you are married, you are questioned about your chastity and if you are trying to procreate or if you are being sinful and wasting your seed. 

[celestialironys-blog]

temple shit

This is where it is kind of weird for me. I will probably not disclose everything, because I still believe in being respectful, but at the same time it’s all horse shit anyway. Here we go. 

I was 18 years old and had to enter the temple and receive my endowment. If you are curious, please open another tab and google the shit bc I’m not really in the mood to go over that. It was HORRIFYING. I was treated like an ignorant slut that was only getting my endowment or getting married because I had done something sinful. They treated me like I was pregnant out of wedlock and trying to cover it up with a marriage before others found out. ( For the record, I don’t care if you have a child out of wedlock. It’s all the same to me.) 

The clothing is CULTY, on top of that you are anxious about what is going to happen to you and what you have to do in that place because, SURPRISE no one told anything about it growing up. It is of the utmost secrecy to not divulge the “sacred” activities that happen in the temple. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Of course, my parents were in attendance and had traveled to Illinois from Oklahoma for my wedding. I couldn’t bow out, especially since I was so fucking brainwashed, I knew in order to be sent to the highest level of heaven when I die it had to be done. Oh, and I wanted to be married. DUH. I received my endowment in the Chicago Temple. I know what you are thinking, “There is a Mormon temple in Chicago?” Yes, and it’s about 11 minutes away from Buca di Beppo in Wheeling. Of course, we had to eat there to commemorate my initiation into the depths of total devout Mormonism. 

[celestialironys-blog]

more background on me.

My husband and I got engaged and we had only known each other for 9 months. When you know, you know. I am very fortunate in this. He is without a doubt my best friend in this entire world, kind hearted and open minded. I will say that a lot of Mormon couples unfortunately end in divorce due to incompatibility, spousal abuse (which is EXTREMELY common amongst this faith due the teachings of the Church being favored on the side of men and how they are above women.)  and ultimately the pressure to be married to a returned missionary when you are very young. 

We were to be married in the Nauvoo Illinois temple. For those of you who are not aware, this is a rather important landmark for TBMs (true blue mormon) as it signifies the Saints in the early 1800s and their journey of persecutions along with the man himself, Joseph Smith. * insert eyeroll here. My husband’s family lived in Illinois and I thought it was fitting for us to be “sealed” there. -Sealing is the belief that married couples to not part at death, but are sealed together for all time and all eternity.  

[celestialironys-blog]

adulthood.

I unfortunately had the pleasure of going to the hell on earth, potato covered school called Brigham Young University of Idaho. For my non morms out there (oh wait, I’m one of you now. weird.) this place is in the middle of BFE Idaho where mormons are by the thousands and marriage licenses are handed out like fucking candy. I left Oklahoma to do what my parents expected of me and to “make something of myself”. Which pretty much means, get married you’re almost 18. This school is notorious for idiot members of the church who couldn’t get into BYU, BYU-Hawaii and/or MRS degrees. It is also required that you take a religion class every semester furthering you away from actual credits you need. Fucking fantastic, it’s not enough that I now was residing in a town of 98% mormons, but that I had to eat, sleep and breathe this CULTure. 

Anyway, I lived there for a semester on my own with 5 HORRIBLE roommates. I was to be married in the spring to my return missionary boyfriend who just got home the previous spring. He was not in attendance of this school just yet. But don’t worry, we got married so soon so that we wouldn’t have any temptation when he came to school. WTF. Yes of course we loved and still do love each other very much, but we rushed our time because of something so ingrained in us. FAILURE. We would fail if we didn’t do what the Lord asked, and that is to marry and multiply and replenish the Earth. Ooooof.

[celestialironys-blog]

About me

This “blog” is really for me to put myself out into the interwebs and be vulnerable with complete strangers who may or may not be reading my bullshit. I am 24, married to my husband of 6 Years next month and have a beautiful son. I also have some serious behind the scenes shit. I have recently left the Mormon church or shall I say The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. How dare I use such slang, right? I grew up in a small town in Oklahoma and my parents were the few that were devout or so I thought, and then divorced. My mom has a number of mental health issues and I have survived her abuse for several years and we are no longer on speaking terms. My dad and I are “cool” which means he is in total denial of my standing on the church. 

[celestialironys-blog]

Here it is.

My first blog as an ExMormon. I am completely incompetent of technology and social slang used on here. My tag name is a play on how I fell in love with Animal Crossing: New Horizons, which happens to be the first video game I have ever really played long term and how the Mormons use the word celestial more than the average human being. If you’re interested in more of my story, read on.