I wish I never met Matt.
And I am a pretty everything-happens-for-a-reason type of person; but there was no good from that relationship; because even the good was taken over by the bad. The lasting effects... the night terrors, the scars on my legs, the fear any time gets angry with me, the insecurities... none of the good that Matt and I were was any where worth that. Worth the hundreds of nights crying alone, being told that I am a baby, being strangled against walls, being pushed down, having my wrists held twisting behind my back, being handcuffed... and when I think back at my relationship with Matt the good isn’t there... instead I see the look in his when he flipped. Right before the hair pull to the ground. The feelings of being helpless crying in my bed. How it used to be “I am sorry, it won’t happen again” and slowly turned into “well you shouldn’t have done this or that”
The fact that he is pleading innocent pisses me off. So I really cannot wait for the texts to be recovered and will be praying that some of the ones where he admits it are there. Because that asshole doesn’t get to just lie through his teeth after what he did to me. I hope he’s changed. I hope this has made him learn. Because maybe him being turned in will make him scared to do it to anyone else. Because I was scared to death of calling the cops or ever turning him in. It wasn’t my choice and I refused to talk for awhile. Because that’s what he did for me.
And though I have come a long way, I will never be okay. And I feel for Ian, for having to deal with the walls he made me build.
