Summary: Gaeul has shut herself away for months. When you finally drag her out, the truth behind her isolation forces a heartfelt confrontation
Written for @kwilquib's prompt: “Pick a number, any number…”
The phone rang twice before Gaeul answered.
“Hey,” you said, trying to keep your voice light. “It’s a beautiful day today. Thought I’d come by and drag you out for a walk.”
There was a pause on the other end, long enough that you thought the call had dropped. Then came a thin laugh. “Drag me out? That sounds dangerous.”
“You know what I mean.”
“Not today,” she said quickly.
“You’ve said that every night this week.”
Static filled the silence, and you heard a faint shuffle—like she was pacing, or maybe just fidgeting. Her voice dropped when she spoke again. “I’m just… tired.”
“You’ve been tired for months now.”
Her reply came sharper this time. “So? Maybe I’m allowed to be tired.”
You pinched the bridge of your nose. “Of course you are. I just… I’m worried, Gaeul. You never want to leave the house anymore. You skip classes, cancel plans. That’s not you.”
“People change,” she muttered.
“You used to call me at midnight just to drag me out for ice cream. That wasn’t so long ago.”
“That was a long time ago,” she said flatly.
“It was a few months ago.”
“I like being home. That’s all. I don’t need to explain it.”
“No,” you said gently, “you don’t. But… it feels like you’re hiding from something.”
“Don’t say that.”
“Why not?”
This time her voice trembled, just enough to seep through the static. “Because it’s not true. I’m fine.”
But she wasn’t fine. You could hear it.
“If you were fine,” you said softly, “you wouldn’t sound like this every time I ask you to step outside. You sound…“ Afraid. You didn’t say it. She would have hung up on you.
On the other end, a long silence. Then, barely above a whisper: “Please… just let it go.”
The line stayed open a few moments longer, the only sound her uneven breathing, before she muttered a rushed goodnight and hung up.
You sat there with the phone still pressed to your ear.
Gaeul hasn’t been herself for months now. You didn’t know why. She just changed, almost like a switch flipped inside of her. You had a hunch it was her boyfriend. There really wasn’t any other reason: she was doing well in college, her friends didn’t do anything, and her parents were doing just fine.
Fuck. Why was it him anyway? Why not you?
Gaeul was still rotting in that apartment. He clearly didn’t do a good job.
You had to take a stronger approach; otherwise, she’d never come out. While you were thinking about it, a movie was scheduled to air today. It was a re-run of something older, but it was horror, and you remembered how much Gaeul liked those. Maybe it would knock her back into her senses.
Thirty minutes later, your car was already sitting in front of her house. You didn’t ask if she wanted to go; if you had, she probably would’ve said no. So you just rang at her doorbell with two crumpled tickets in your hand, and said, “Come on. Starts in half an hour.”
She came out in a hurry after recognizing your voice. Hair a little messy, sweater sleeves rolled over her elbows, and big glasses rested on her small nose. “What is it?”
“Horror movie,” you grinned, showing your tickets. “I heard it’s pretty good. Pretty scary. The ones you like, right?”
That earned you a tiny huff, but you saw the corners of her mouth rising up.
“What’s the plot?” she asked.
“Don’t remember,” you replied. “Hop on and come find out.”
“Wait a sec,” she said, going back into her place to slip on some shoes and some more appropriate clothes.
She didn’t take long. She didn’t really bother with how she presented herself in front of you. After about ten minutes, she was already outside.
“I’m here,” she announced. She put a hand on the handle and looked around.
“You’re supposed to look left and right when crossing the street, not when entering a car.”
“Shut up.”
“Alright,” you said as she stepped inside. You turned on the engine and left her house behind.
“So? Did anything good this week?” you asked. You didn’t like the silence.
Gaeul stayed quiet for a moment, even though she didn’t really need to think about it. “You know, studied and—”
“—reviewed for the future exams, yep,” you interrupted her. “Well, at least did you eat? The food I brought you yesterday.”
“Yeah, yeah, I ate it, it was really good. You know I always like chicken.”
“That’s good,” you said and smiled.
You found parking very easily. The theater was half-empty, and the air already smelled like butter and sugar. You bought the largest bucket of popcorn they offered and filled it with butter and sugar. You could probably bury half of your arm inside it.
She rolled her eyes but stole a handful as soon as you sat down. It was for her after all.
When the lights dimmed and the screen lit up, you leaned back, pretending you weren’t watching her out of the corner of your eye. The first jump scare landed exactly where you knew it would, and she flinched hard, shoulders jerking.
You bit back a laugh.
“Silence in the theater,” she hissed at you. From there on, she was completely immersed in the motion picture.
The first jump scare got her—she jerked hard, then laughed at herself. After that, every flinch only seemed to amuse her more. You couldn’t understand why, but it was honestly kind of intimidating. Maybe she was secretly a serial killer in the making.
Gaeul was alive in a way you hadn’t seen in months. She leaned forward during tense scenes, muttered little predictions under her breath, and when the monster appeared, she laughed like a kid. It was like watching her slip back into a forgotten version of herself.
You found yourself watching her more than the screen. This was the girl you’d been missing, the one who was bright, free, and heartbreakingly beautiful.
When the credits rolled, she sat back with a grin, clapping as if the cast could hear her. “That was terrible,” she said, beaming. “I loved it.”
“You’re so weird,” you said while going down the stairs.
“What? You didn’t like it? You bought the tickets.” She turned to you mockingly, but there was still laughter in her eyes.
“I bought them for you, not me,” you admitted. “Honestly? I probably looked away half the time.”
She snorted. “Scaredy-cat.”
You held a hand to your chest. “Excuse me, I was protecting my brain. Those jumpscares wear down your reflexes, you know.”
She rolled her eyes, tugging her sleeves down as the two of you stepped into the cool night air.
“Alright, alright,” you said. “Let’s get some food. Where do you want to go?”
“Something casual,” she murmured, sliding into the passenger seat. “I haven’t really dressed up. If we go somewhere nice, they’ll think I look weird and stare at me.”
You glanced at her, catching the way she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, her sweater a little too big for her frame. “They’ll stare, yeah,” you said, voice softer now. “Because you’ll be the prettiest girl in the room.”
She swatted at you lightly, a smile twitching at the corner of her mouth. “Oh, shut up.”
The burger place wasn’t anything fancy—fluorescent lights, sticky tables, a fryer that hissed constantly in the back. Just smelled like grease and bleach.
She followed you in, tugging at her sleeves, still a bit out of her comfort zone. A couple of kids were noisily sharing fries at one table, and a guy in a hoodie ate alone in the corner. Nobody paid her any mind.
You ordered at the counter and came back with a red plastic tray stacked with food—two burgers wrapped in paper, fries spilling out of their carton, and two of the biggest milkshakes you could find.
“Hey,” you said as you slid the tray onto the table. “Special delivery.”
Her eyes flicked to the pile, and she gave you the tiniest smirk. “That’s a lot of food.”
“Yeah,” you said. “Good thing I’m starving. You’ll just have to keep up.”
She peeled open her burger and took a small bite, then another. You noticed the way her shoulders loosened a little. She used to be so tense.
You popped a fry into your mouth and leaned back. “Better than the popcorn?”
She glanced at you over her glasses. “What.”
You grinned. “I saw you almost finish half the bucket by yourself.”
She kicked you lightly under the table. “Shut up. You know it’s rude to talk about a lady’s eating habits.”
“It wasn’t negative, though.”
“Certainly didn’t sound like it, mister.”
The conversation didn’t need to be heavy. You let her talk about the movie, her favorite kills, and how the special effects were both awful and amazing. She gestured more than usual, waving a fry around like a pointer, grease staining her napkin.
And you just sat there, chewing slowly, smiling at the way her voice filled the space.
You’ve noticed that the only way to really get her talking was to make her talk about something else. Something far away from herself. She hated talking about herself. She wasn’t always like that. That was just the last few months, but you just had to keep up with her if you truly cared for her.
“So what, you didn’t have anything better to do today?” she asked, plucking another fry from the carton.
“What do you mean?”
“The movie. Why did you… want to watch it?”
You shrugged. “Honestly? I just wanted to hang out with you. Catch you smiling again. Is that bad?”
“You’re gonna regret it,” she said, taking another handful. “When—when I finish the whole basket.”
“I ordered them for you,” you said easily
She almost smiled, but her eyes dropped to the table. “For you,” she whispered. “Yeah, but… people don’t usually mean it… it’s fine at first, but then it’s too much.”
You tilted your head. “Too much?”
She froze for half a second, then laughed quickly. She waved her hand like she could erase it. “I mean, too many fries. That’s all.”
You nudged the carton toward her, pretending not to notice. “Well, they’re all yours anyway. I’ve had enough.”
She gave you a small smile, but her hands betrayed her, shredding the paper wrapper into neat little strips.
“You always do that,” you said.
“Do what?”
“Fidget with things. Wrappers, napkins, straws. You’ve destroyed more paper than a shredder.”
She chuckled softly, but her shoulders had drawn in tighter. “Old habit. Keeps my hands busy.”
“Busy from what?” you asked gently.
Her eyes flicked to the fries, then away. A beat passed before she shrugged. “I don’t know… from saying the wrong thing, maybe?” She said it quickly, like tossing a pebble in water, then shoved another fry in her mouth before you could answer.
“Anyways, how much do I owe you?”
“Nothing.”
“Oh, come on,” she said, squinting at you. “How much was it?”
“As I said—nothing. I threatened the worker with a gun, and they handed it over for free.”
Gaeul laughed, nearly snorting into her shake. “You’re insane. I hope they catch you and lock you up.”
“Wow. So mean.”
“You deserve it.” She grinned, stealing one last fry before pushing the empty carton toward you like evidence.
You leaned back in the booth with a dramatic sigh. “Alright, partner in crime, before the cops show up, should we get going?”
She rolled her eyes, but you caught the smile tugging at her lips. “Yeah, let’s go.”
You gathered up the papers and boxes, dumped them in the trash, and the two of you slipped back out into the night.
The drive back was quiet: her forehead against the passenger window, your playlist humming low through the speakers. She looked calm. You figured tonight was a success after all.
When you pulled up in front of her building, before coming out, she straightened and sat quietly for a moment. She reached for the door handle, then paused. “Do you… want to come up?”
You turned to her. “Are you sure?”
She gave a little shrug, trying to be casual. “It’s not a big deal. Just… for tea or something. You don’t have to.” But she didn’t look at you when she said it.
You smiled gently. “Sure, why not?”
You followed her up the narrow stairwell, the sound of your footsteps echoing against the concrete. Neither of you talked.
At the top, she fished her keys from her pocket and unlocked the door. The apartment was dim, blinds pulled halfway shut. She slipped her shoes off by the door and set her bag down.
“I’ll make tea,” she said, already moving toward the kitchen. The switch clicked, and the weak light overhead flickered once before holding steady.
You walked around a bit in the living room, awkwardly looking around and acting like you hadn’t seen this place thousands of times. The colors were dim. The walls were white and grey, and her furniture wasn’t really flashy either. So the yellow in the corner of your eyes stood out brightly.
The folder sat on the corner of her coffee table, half-buried under a stack of fashion magazines. They were old. To think that she had always talked about new trends and designers with you, but she hadn’t renewed her subscription in a long time.
You simply wanted to tidy up while she was making tea in the kitchen, but the bold letters caught your eye: session notes.
You told yourself not to cross the line. That was her stuff, and you shouldn’t look. However, the wear in the corners and the torn edges of the paper folder itched at you, and you moved your fingers before your conscience could catch up.
Gaeul’s name was right at the top of the paper. It seemed to have been written a couple of months ago, as described by the date, but she hadn’t been the one who wrote it.
You read the words carefully, but in a hurry. Client? Partner? Anxiety? It must have been her therapist, but who was the partner?
Session Content / Client Report:Client describes repeated emotional degradation from ex-partner. Notes of verbal belittling, accusations of dishonesty, and surveillance of personal interactions. Client states ex often monitored phone, restricted contact with friends.
The words on the page felt like a punch in the chest. You went over the words again and again. Surely, you must have read the wrong things. You were just tired. It happened to everyone, but then you went on to the second section.
The letters blurred. You stared at the lines—“forceful arm-grabbing,” “blocking doorways,” “self-blame”—and they stopped being sentences on a page. They became shapes, images, scenes, playing vividly in your mind.
You started to feel sick. Something turned inside your stomach, and it made you grip the paper harder. From the kitchen, you heard her humming, the sound of a kettle being set down, her footsteps soft against the floor.
You wanted to shove the folder back under the magazines, to rewind time and unsee the words, but it was too late.
When she returned, two mugs in her hands, you couldn’t look at her the same. Gaeul had half a smile on her face. You had worked so hard to gift back even a hint of joy on her lips, but as soon as she saw what you were holding, it faded away.
Gaeul immediately looked down at the floor. She set down the mugs and slowly looked back up at you.
“Hey—” you choked. There was an ache in your throat that felt impossible to swallow. You did your best not to lash out, but all of a sudden, you felt a lot of shame.
“Did you read it?” she asked.
You couldn’t dodge it. You owed her honesty.
“Oh well, I… I saw the notes,” you said and laughed awkwardly. “It has the same name as you, funny, I didn’t know you had a friend with the same name as you.”
She didn’t laugh.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to, I…”
“How much did you read?” she asked firmly.
You didn’t answer, but your silence was enough for her to understand. You saw her shoulders tense, the tiniest flinch as though she were bracing for your judgment.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” you whispered. “Is that why… that’s why you’ve been acting this way, right?”
Her phone.
She never let it out of her sight, and yet she never knew what was going on in the world. She didn’t follow the news, she didn’t know any memes—sure, she would laugh at them, but you had to show them to her—and she didn’t watch any shows. You remembered how quickly she checked her phone whenever she got a text.
Her apologies.
God, she said, sorry for everything, and they weren’t even her fault. When she bumped into something, when she said something wrong, when she wore something a bit bright. Now that you thought about it…
Her clothes.
She had been afraid to shine, to be beautiful.
Her silences.
Her shoulders tightened whenever the topic of relationships came up. Her eyes flicked down, and she dodged all questions.
And the way she flinched.
Once, you slammed your car door too hard, and she jumped. Another time, someone dropped a tray in a café, and she stiffened so sharply, like she was in another world completely.
Every sign had been there. You had been there the whole time. You had watched her flinch, fold, apologize—and you had smiled at her without asking why. And now, staring at the neat black letters on the page—blocking exits during arguments… forceful grabbing… monitoring phone—you hated yourself for not piecing it together sooner.
You were a fool.
You tried to keep your voice steady. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have looked. But I know now. I know what he did.”
You inhaled deeply. It burned. You should’ve noticed sooner.
“This… all of this had been happening while…” You started and stopped. “And you never told anybody. God, you shouldn’t have had to.”
Her eyes glistened, but she looked away, forcing a shaky laugh. It was brittle, fragile. You had heard it before, whenever things got too personal. She shook her head, too quickly.
“It’s nothing. Old stuff. Doesn’t matter anymore.” Her fingers worked the edge of her sleeve, twisting the fabric, tearing the threads.
“It does matter,” you said softly. “You don’t have to keep pretending.”
You watched her shrink in on herself, curling small in the chair, and the worry inside you swelled until it ached. You could hear her therapist’s words in your head: self-blame… minimization… hypervigilance. You recognized them now, written in the slump of her shoulders, in the way she wouldn’t meet your gaze.
Your chest tightened. You wanted to hold her hand, take her into your arms, tell her everything was okay—but you knew she was afraid. This wasn’t about what you wanted. Pushing too hard might only drive her deeper into silence.
“Please,” she said softly, almost pleading. “Can we not do this right now? I don’t want to… fuck up this evening. It’s the first time I’ve felt a little normal in months.”
The words knocked the air out of you. She had been buried under so much weight, and here you were, dragging the past into the one night she let herself breathe. But at the same time, it tore you apart. How could she think she was the one who would ruin this? How could she not see that it was already broken long before tonight, and not because of her?
You swallowed, trying to keep your voice gentle, steady. Every part of you screamed to keep pushing, to tell her you would never leave, but you didn’t. What if the wrong word shattered her? What if your love only hurt her more?
“You’re not fucking anything up. You never could. What happened to you—that’s not on you. And you don’t have to keep pretending for my sake.”
She ducked her gaze, twisting the mug in her hands, and for a second, you thought she was going to shut down completely. But then her lip trembled, and she whispered,
“I just wanted one night where I didn’t have to be… this version of me.”
You leaned forward, meeting her eyes until she couldn’t look away.
“Please, don’t say that, Gaeul. There’s no version of you you’d have to hide.”
That sentence scared her. Because now she knew that you cared more than she thought, but she didn’t want to give herself like this. She didn’t think she was enough for you. She thought she was broken.
You sat down right next to her. You looked straight into her eyes. “Please don’t think that after I discovered these things, I think of you any differently. It wasn’t your fault after all.”
Her eyes flicked away instantly, glancing at the corner of the room.
“I’m sorry if I didn’t catch it earlier. I saw it. I saw the signs, but I didn’t understand. But it doesn’t change a thing. It doesn’t make you weaker in my eyes. If anything, it shows how strong you’ve been, pushing through all of this alone.”
She shook her head, tears threatening again. “Strong? No, you don’t understand. I’m… broken. I’m scared all the time. I don’t want to drag you into this mess.”
“I want to be here. With you. I’m not going anywhere.”
Her lip trembled, and for a moment she tried to laugh, but it came out as a shaky, humorless gasp. “You’ll regret it,” she said. “You’ll see the worst of me, and you’ll leave, just like everyone else.”
You let the silence settle around her turmoil. You never looked away. She had to understand you were serious about it. The more you swore she was enough, the more you felt like a liar, because no promise could undo what had been done to her.
Her breathing hitched. “Please.” When she finally spoke, her voice was unsteady. She trembled at every word. It was a great effort just to pronounce them; she didn’t bother thinking it through; they just came out.
“Don’t look at me like that.”
“How am I looking at you?”
“Like you love me.”
Gaeul’s words gutted you. The old pain was still there in her eyes, lingering like a scar that never healed right. Her heart was scarred, and every time she thought she could love again, it came back to haunt her.
“Don’t… don’t give me false hope.” Her voice cracked, sharp with anger, “play with me.” And then sadness: “You’re all I have.”
You took a deep breath. Seeing her tear up again hurt you as much as it did her. “I mean it. I’ve never lied to you.”
“I know…” Her voice was barely audible.
“I love you, Gaeul.”
She flinched, like the word itself had struck her, her body recoiling before her mind could catch up. “No, don’t—” Gaeul choked out.
“I love you,” you repeated, firmer this time.
Her eyes darted away, but you reached out, holding her shoulders until she faced you. “Gaeul. Look at me.”
Gaeul was a trembling mess. Even her eyes twitched, red with fear, spilling tears down her cheeks.
“You deserve to be loved,” you whispered.
“Even—even after—”
“No matter what.”
“Why?” Gaeul sobbed. Her tears run down to the corner of her mouth, leaving a salty taste on her tongue, mixed with her everlasting bitterness. “Why would you ever love me?”
“I don’t need a reason. I just do,” you said. “Gaeul. I love you. That’s the truth.”
She shook her head, hands trembling against her lap. “You’ve seen it all. What happened to me. I- I- I’m just… ruined. Leftover.”
“You’re the woman I love,” you said, almost pleading now. “And maybe I’m an idiot for saying it, but I’d rather stay here in your wreckage than be anywhere else without you.”
Gaeul shook her head violently, her tears scattering across her cheeks.
Her whole body shuddered. She pressed her hands to her eyes, shaking her head. “Stop saying that,” she whispered, her voice breaking mid-word. “You don’t know what you’re asking for.”
“I’m not asking for anything,” you said softly. “I just don’t want you to be alone.”
She tried to argue, but the words dissolved before they left her lips. With a sudden, desperate movement, she lurched forward, burying herself in your chest. Her arms clung to you as if she let go, she’d fall apart completely.
You froze, startled by the suddenness of it—but she didn’t release you. Her face pressed into your chest, and the sobs came hard, raw, like they had been trapped inside her for years.
Her body completely betrayed her. She needed you. She needed someone to trust her and help her put her pieces back together.
The cries tore out of her in broken gasps, each one stripping away a little more of the armor she had carried for so long.
You held her gently, carefully, as though she might break.
“I’ve got you,” you whispered. “I’m not going anywhere.”
Her grip only tightened. She didn’t believe it—not fully. She was afraid you’d vanish if she let go.
“I’m sorry,” she choked out. “I’m so sorry.”
Her sobs gradually softened. She stayed pressed against you, her forehead damp against your shirt. You stroked her back slowly.
“It’s okay,” you murmured. “You don’t have to be sorry for anything.”
Her breath hitched again. A long silence passed before she whispered, so quietly you almost missed it: “Say it again.”
You tilted your head down toward her hair. “Say what?”
“That you love me.”
Your lips pressed gently against the crown of her head, your eyes closing as you held her tighter. “I love you, Gaeul. I’ve always loved you.”
“I needed to hear it,” she breathed. “To know you meant it. That I wasn’t… imagining it.”
“I meant every word,” you said softly. “You don’t ever have to doubt that.”
She lifted her head just enough to meet your eyes. They were swollen and rimmed with red, but softer now, no longer heavy with despair. Her lips parted, closed, then parted again before she finally found the words.
“I should have been with you,” she confessed, her voice breaking around the words. “All this time. Instead I—” She swallowed hard. “Instead, I went to him. And I’m so sorry. You deserved better.”
You cupped her face gently, brushing your thumb across the damp trail of her tears. “Hey. Don’t apologize for that. You don’t owe me anything. I just… I’m glad you’re here now. That’s all I want.”
“You’re too good to me.”
“No,” you said gently. “That’s what you deserve.”
Her eyes fluttered shut, and she leaned back into your chest, her weight settling against you. For the first time in months, she let herself believe it—she wasn’t alone anymore.
Her head stayed tucked against your chest, small and fragile, but calmer now. You stroked her hair, letting the silence stretch comfortably around you.
“…Do you… want to stay?” Her voice was barely audible, hesitant. “Tonight. Just… here, with me?”
You gave her a gentle squeeze. “Of course. I’m not going anywhere.”
She exhaled softly, a tiny shiver running through her. “Good. I… I just… I don’t want to be alone tonight.”
When the lights were off and the quiet settled in, you slid under the blanket beside her. She lay stiffly on her side at first, hands curled close to her chest.
You stayed still, careful not to press. The silence stretched, broken only by her uneven breaths. Then, slowly, she shifted closer—an inch, then another—until her arm brushed against yours. She hesitated again, trembling, but finally she gave in, slipping both arms around your middle and burying her face against your chest.
Her grip was tight, almost desperate, and her voice came muffled against your shirt. “I’m sorry… if I’m so needy.”
You rested your chin gently on her hair. “Don’t apologize. You don’t need to. I want to be here.”
She held her breath for a moment, then let it out in a shaky sigh, hugging you tighter as if your words unlocked something in her. The tension in her body slowly eased, her breathing steadied, and little by little, she grew heavier on you.
You smoothed your hand through her hair, listening to the rhythm of her breath. She had let herself cling to you, and in your arms, she finally found peace.
A/N 1: Hello Orenjideul! I probably think this is late but it's better than never! The end was written a bit rushed and not further proofreading but I hope y'all like it! It's my special birthday fic for IVE's beautiful and captivating leader, Kim Gaeul! Wishing her the best day of her life and enjoy reading this angst, smut and fluff-filled fic!
A/N 2: Also, featuring someone at the end, hehe...
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“Love can be the sweetest venom you can take.”
It certainly is, well, maybe, according to your experience.
You cursed yourself to never love again for the fact that it's more than unbearable to see your lover in someone's arms, comfortable, like your relationship never existed with her.
It hurts to see her go, to let her go—it fucking hurts, but, you needed to do what you need to do because you don't deserve her.
Strings of broken melodies played the piano when you cried, a symphony unfinished and cacophonous sounds ensued.
You bawled when that day came and you wanted to forget it, absolutely. Yet, simply, you just can't forget her like she never existed because you loved her so much that you gave your world to her but in the end, she annihilated yours and your heart…
Broken pieces and a scar left to you is all you had now and it still hurts to think about her. Your mind is clouded with her and her only and it hurts that you can't bring the past back.
It hurts to think about it…
It hurts.
No one can probably mend you—make you smile genuinely like she did, make you laugh like she did—no one can.
You wanted to move on, but the venom stays throughout your soul and you'd be damned to even think of getting it out—letting everything out because you still want her—
“Is everything alright, sir?”
A voice echoes around your ear, the soft tone lingers around you as you are woken up onto the reality of life that you wanted to end.
“You're like bawling your eyes out for like an hour now—”
“Isn't it obvious?” your tone harsh and laced with venom as maybe, the obliviousness of the girl is not your type of tolerating it. If you can't even tolerate the burning sensation of the alcohol scarring your throat then what more about the petite girl beside you?
“I'm s-sorry, sir. I'm just a little bit concerned about you—”
The girl's eyes glistens with fear as your tone does scares her, but she want answers and she's willing to do whatever it takes to make you comfortable in the best way possible—
“Hey, why don't you just give me a favor, hm?”
She leans her head down slowly, her senses perceived as she tries to hear the coarse, broken tone of your voice. “Okay, s-sir…”
“Why don't you just moved back and leave me the fuck alone, do you understand? Because I have no time for your reassuring bullshit—or just whatever you want to do, okay?”
The girl just nods and faces back away from you, doing what you've said. You didn't feel bad for her as you didn't care about anything and everything in this world, now.
It sucks to be heartbroken—at your lowest point with no one to lean on.
And maybe, someday, you'll regret the reckless and selfish disposition you've introduced to that girl—but who cares, anyway?
This is just a tough night to fight with, and it's not easy as the demons inside your head lures you into the abyss of unwanted vices.
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Drink. Gulp. Exhale. And it repeats, constantly.
You weren't like this but you'll do everything just to forget everything that scarred you even if it means for you to risk your life. You can't bother to think of anything other than uttering her name and the broken sounds of discomfort as tears run down your cheek slowly.
Drink more and drink another—the burning sensation down your throat makes you groan yet the sweetness of the liquid possibly contradicts the pain you’re feeling. It probably scars down your throat, at least not adding more to your broken heart.
The remnants of the broken melodies of her voice still lingers around your ear, hearing her voice and it hurts you even more. You slam down your curled fists—the strength not enough to cause a dent nor hurt you—onto the wooden table as you let out hints of contained anger and frustration from the earlier quarrel. You even wanna drink more to give yourself to the neverending wormhole of nothingness—bending the laws of nature just to get out of the agony you’re feeling right now—yet it’s not worth it to spend couple of bucks just for another bottle of alcohol that won’t even make you let her go.
It is not worth it; you should just go home.
It’s definitely not.
You then place the glass down and course your way out of the bar, just wanting to go home and commit into a deep slumber for your body to take a rest from this strenuous day.
Drowsiness controls over your enervated body and so is the dizziness affecting the way you act. You’ll go home no matter what happens and it starts with just a single flick of the key, starting the engine of you car then closing your door—
An arm stops you from that latter advance, making you furrow your eyebrows in disbelief before looking at the petite figure that’s been stopping you from closing your car’s door.
“Don’t sir, you’re drunk. You shouldn’t drive—”
You recognized her face with just a flash of your eyes towards her. You may be tipsy and heartbroken, but you’re not stupid nor easy to be manipulated as annoyance changes your demeanor.
“You again? Gosh—what do you want from me? Why do you even fucking care—”
“Please sir—” the petite, black-haired girl stops you from closing the door as she further extends her arm, leaving you immediately furious from her attempts. “—it's not worth it and you’re drunk. Please just call an Uber or something—”
“Let. go. of. it. Now. I swear to god—just leave me alone!”
The girl is stubborn as you ever expected and you hate it. You just wanna push her off in order for everything not to be halted but she's practically a stranger to you—you never wanna cause a fight of hurt with people you don't know, especially with a girl this beautiful and modest—
“No, sir. You may even get to an accident if you—”
“Just stop—” With no other choice, you flick your finger hard onto her arm, hurting her as she lets go, the pain making her rub all over the red spot in order to ease the pain. You immediately closed the door as soon as she freed herself from the imaginary restraints. You drove off hurriedly yet carefully, leaving the girl stranded on the parking lot as you can see her wince in pain as she caresses her arm to ease the burning sensation—she probably even glared at you because of what you've done but you didn't care because you just want to go home.
This is probably risky considering how you're feeling afloat because of the alcohol but that didn't stop you from your advances of getting home and thankfully, your apartment isn't that far enough and you can drive safely and carefully without wasting so much time.
Thank god it was just like a fifteen-minute drive and thanks to little-to-no traffic, you got home faster than you expected—probably even safer, considering that if your body became so depleted that you slept and crashed onto something or someone. It is not a great sight to see as you could just imagine how your day will be worse if that did happen.
Thankfully, it didn't and you came home safe and sound.
But yet there’s no other sound that can’t be heard other than your silent cries of need—in need, of her.
You loved her so much that you almost gave up everything just for her.
You loved her so much that she's been your entire world and you’re almost into nothingness without her.
Speak of the devil, you’ve foreshadowed yourself into diving down onto the dark path of oblivion. Some may point out the obsessive form of love you have with her (in which, probably, you have) but the truth is, she made you better. Better in a sense that you became a better person today than what you are from the past and you absolutely thank her for that.
She made you the man that you are today, building up the foundations that made you stronger and such willpower that can reach even the farthest mountains yet it all went downhill, a landslide rupturing and annihilating the foundation that has been built slowly throughout the years now that she's out of your life.
You hated that you loved her, now you do.
She's your core memory you wanted to forget but you simply can't—because she's more than special.
It cuts like a knife seeing her go but there's nothing you can do to get her back.
“Why did she do that to me?” you muttered to yourself again, questioning the reality of a sin she's done that was impossible at first but now, was more than close on being possible.
While you bawl your eyes out, bottling out the deeply-contained emotions that has been kept inside you, you reach on your brown leather jacket, wanting to get your phone yet something caught your eye immediately—a note latched by a transparent adhesive onto your jacket that says: “김가을(Kim Ga-eul)” and then, possibly her number below it.
You already assumed it's that annoying girl that owes you everything and you just want to brush off that fact but you can't. Wanting to throw away the not-so-important note, you reflected on yourself and thought that she just wants to help you genuinely after all but why you and how did she know you’re going through something? If it's the others, they won’t bother talking to you nor do anything to mess with you—if you look like you always want to start up a fight, who will bother?
You know something is up with her and your gut is telling you so. Not to mention how comfortable she looks talking with you despite the possible fear evident on her countenance—it feels like she knew you a long time ago which is peculiar, to say the least.
You gotta know her more and her small actions of concern and uncanny relation to something you can't fathom just piqued your interest towards knowing her more.
*phone buzzes*
“Come on, come on—pick up….”
Every second brings a faster beating of your heart as it races intrepidity and anticipation. You became sober as the alcohol didn't have any effects on you anymore and the longing emotions of desolation makes you invulnerable for the liquid to take over you.
Clearing your mind, you now feel regret for being too harsh with the girl you’ve dealt with earlier—which is probably the person named “Kim Ga-eul”. You never wanted to act rude on the first place, yet there are two things that caused that sudden vexation within your demeanor: firstly, the passive-aggressive approach towards strangers as you need to be cautious whenever someone approaches you because you may get in danger and lastly, and probably the best reason of your demeanor, is because of you being not in the mood for everything because of a heartbreak.
There’s still heart in you even if you’re totally broken and lost and you need to apologize to her—that’s your current goal to do as you can’t scar yourself with another grudge that will make you guilty until the end of times.
“Come on—”
“Hello? Who is this?”
Her voice and its tone—it’s definitely the girl you’ve been looking for and a sigh of relief escaped your breath as she answered the phone.
“Hello—look, I know I’m too rude earlier and I’m sorry for that. I shouldn’t really—”
*phone beeps*
The line disconnects and you’ve never felt so gloomy and disappointed with yourself (possibly a metaphor since you’re already feeling down and worthless). You could’ve done better but you let out the rage inside you and you hate it. Now you feel guilty of what you’ve done to her and possibly may scar her since she may not trust any strangers from now on because of what you’ve done.
No, you’re going to apologize to her no matter what—you’ll mend the broken link that she made with you, even though it’s fragile at the moment but her giving your number and her name says something that she’s probably interested in you.
She’s maybe interested in helping you too…
A girl like her can probably combat the depression you’re feeling as of now—she may also mend what’s broken on you and possibly, fix you.
Sighing in defeat, you gave up on calling to her as she possibly ignores the past three calls you’ve made because of fear yet you’re not giving up just like that. Leaving a text to possibly reassure her, you faintly smile as the girl that you fought with earlier is now clouding your mind, even though you met her in a not-so-special way—possibly, a regrettable day for the both of you yet a memorable one.
Your enervated body can’t keep up to open your eyes or move a muscle as you fall and give in to your drowsiness, slowly closing your eyes and getting yourself into a deep slumber.
----------------
Sets of multiple chirps from the birds outside your apartment woke you up as it's loud enough to be your makeshift alarm clock yet those are way more peaceful than the ones you're used to. You slowly open your eyes only to see the dishevelment of everything around you—the sofa pillows dispersed around the vicinity of your couch, the crumpled tissues and cans around the coffee table, your jacket on the floor as it was probably made as a makeshift blanket in the earlier hours of your sleep.
You regain energy for a couple of seconds and rise up from the couch, reaching for your phone after as you're anticipating to read the possible reply of the girl you've made contact with and to your surprise (not really), she didn't reply.
Yet. Yet.
Well, there's still a chance of a reply later or the next day—all you know is that she'll respond to your possibly desperate attempts of assurance towards her and that you'll never give up until you get that desired choice of words from hers, even if it only flashed within those blue pixels on your phone.
You sigh heavily thinking that it's maybe over yet the optimistic side of you says that yes, she'll reply anytime.
She inevitably will and that's the thought buried inside your mind.
Yawning as the post-sleep drowsiness is still all over you, you power yourself through rejuvenating and stretching your muscles and arms. Not so long after, you clean up everything that's a mess and prepare yourself to make a simple breakfast consisting of scrambled eggs with spring onions, some toasted eggs with butter and lastly, some freshly-brewed coffee with a hint of sugar as the cherry on top.
Munching onto the egg-filled bun, you scroll your fingertips down to your phone and just within a minute of surfing through social media, a familiar name with a message pops up as a notification and it makes your heart skip a beat from the utmost anticipation.
김가을 (Kim Gaeul) on 7:48 - “Sorry for bothering you too…”
Five words yet thousands of emotions can be felt coursing through your veins as you feel butterflies after reading such a short message. It's a relief knowing that the girl is not utterly scared for her life because of you but you're still feeling skeptical considering what you've done wrong to her as a first, not-so-accidental approach.
You'll do everything to further reassure her as you don't want to scar yourself into thinking that she'll hold that grudge until her hair grows white so with an immediate action, you text her if she's down to meet you up on the same bar the both of you first met up. Of course, the adrenaline and the tension of your knees can't bear to be hidden in every word you type. You really wanted to apologize to her badly and to clear your name towards her yet a reflection hit you—what if she takes this negatively? Like, she might feel uncomfortable meeting up with you after what happened yesterday?
Sudden reflections with a hint of doubt hit you as your approach throughout the situation might be eccentric to nature yet it’s a gamble—a risk worth more than playing a deck of cards; a risk worth remembering or worth forgetting.
It's not like you're going to lose anything if the two of you didn't end on good terms with each other—the both of you are just strangers after all with a relationship fragile than a fiber of hair; a bond more shallow than an acquaintance.
It's not like that easy to let her go despite the situations said above because there's something within that made you captivated with her charms and the uncanny thought of her possibly knowing you before.
You swear to god you haven't met her once in your life yet, but… is it not the same boat on her side?
It may or may not, you don't care because at the end of the day, you'll aim to figure this out with her and possibly, be friends with her.
You swear to god you won't love anyone again other than her but she may break the short-living curse you swore until your deathbed.
If you can just send more pleas close to a hundred towards her even through text you absolutely would yet it's a hyperbolic exaggeration. But like, applying more bandages onto the wound won't help it heal faster, so, you just waited for her reply hoping that she's down and to your surprise, she agreed to meet up with you.
You smiled like an idiot, full of delight yet not that bright. You hurriedly prepared yourself to look as presentable as possible—decently dressed and neat and not looking like a lowlife in distress.
Locking the doors and securing everything on leaving with necessities, you hop onto your car right away and go straight to the bar the both of you first met.
Hopefully, this ends well on a good note…
-----------------------
Tapping and fidgeting your fingers onto the wooden surface of the table, you sigh slowly full of nervousness and utter excitement as every second counting feels heavy. Time ticks as you wait for the beautiful girl to meet you and as soon as you saw her walking her way towards the glass door, time felt eerie and slow—not frightening but more likely uncannily strange—as her modest walk sends you heart beating triple times, her inching closer towards the table you're in. You fix your posture and your demeanor, hoping to have a better “first” approach than what you showed her yesterday which is clearly embarrassing and unacceptable, to say the least.
You then opted to take the chair out as a gentlemanly move but she insisted, saying that it's just alright if you don't do it and she's not used to boys acting like a gentleman. You just nod but she still thanked you for your sweet, little actions. Despite the awkward moment, you take a look at her flawless features sculpted perfectly by the gods themselves—probably an angel in disguise, distinctable right from her beautiful, brown eyes up to her porcelain skin—god, she’s drop-dead glamorous.
“Hello…”
A faint voice escapes your lips, your tone softer than a feather as she responds with a bow and greeting you softly too. The awkward silence was broken with a single word uttered from the girl’s lips, smiling faintly as she felt charmed with your looks.
“Hi…”
You smile from her response as you make eye contact with her, in a sense of total seriousness and aim to let her forgive your reckless actions yesterday.
“Uhm, I’m really sorry about yesterday. I was just like, not in the mood for anything.”
“I’m also sorry too—”
“No, no—” you interrupt her unnecessary apologies towards you as you wanted to tell her that it’s all your fault and not hers.
It wasn’t, but with a pure heart like her, she still found a way to apologize to you which made your heart flutter yet it also makes her vulnerable for deception. Acceptance is a must, but you don’t find any way that she should accept the fact that it’s her fault, so you reassure her thoroughly and let her feel comfortable with you.
“—I’m clearly on the wrong side here. I shouldn’t really act like that towards strangers and also, I appreciate your concerns towards me but—” her eyes glistens with anticipation, ready to discern everything that’ll escape from your lips—
“—it’s not really none of your business but, yeah. I dearly appreciate your concern towards me yesterday. I was just too lost and controlled by my own emotions…” you bow down your head in dismay as you remember the moments of quarrel between her and you again—where everything went downhill and possibly, the lowest point of your life.
“Hey, hey, it’s going to be alright. I just tend to have the urge of helping people when they feel lost or in need of guidance or something—like, I can sense it…”
She’s so pure and innocent—she’s like the closest epitome of a saint. You can’t look her in the eyes anymore but she does, and she looks intently at you; her eyes gleaming in awe and anticipation.
“It’s going to be alright, trust me…”
You smile faintly at her. It's purely genuine this time as her reassurance heals you slowly, mending your broken heart.
“Thank you, genuinely.”
“N-no problem—by the way, can I know your name? I—uhm, just felt weird that we instantly talked to each other without me knowing y-your name…”
You huffed as you got shy from her sudden actions as you softly replied to her, your tone still audible in a way yet soothing and deep.
“Uhm—my name is Wooseol and you’re… Gaeul, I suppose??”
“Y-yes, my name’s Gaeul. Kim Gaeul and I suppose you already knew my name because of t-the note?”
You scoff as your hand sheepishly scratched the back of your neck, feeling shy towards her. “Y-yeah… I also just assumed it was your name because you were the last person I talked with and the note wasn’t there on my jacket before I met you.”
“But you could never assume that always, right?” Gaeul giggles as she teases you with no harmful intentions, making you sheepishly laugh at her mischievous remarks.
“Yeah—but is it really your name? Gaeul?”
“Yeah, *giggles* I was just teasing you…”
Both of you smiled at each other as you felt comfortable talking with her, her playful and clever attitude checking the boxes of your ideal type. As much as it hurts to let her go and your unconditional love still shouting out her name, Gaeul is probably the one that’s destined for you and the kind of girl that is loyal and will love you passionately like how you loved her.
Maybe it’s just because Gaeul has been clouding your mind since yesterday and your emotions are taking over you, again—who knows?
You still don’t want to take things way too fast with her and you need a moderate pace for upping the relationship with her but establishing a good bond with her will be a great move, so, you asked her something and this time, you felt more confident than the earlier timid approach.
“Gaeul, m-may I ask you something?”
Her eyebrow furrowed, her gaze fixated onto yours, leaving you breathless before responding a simple, “Yes?”
This is your chance now so go and take it.
“Can we b-be friends? At least… *scoffs*”
God, it’s so awkward and all of a sudden—you muttered to yourself as you feel off while saying that but nonetheless, Gaeul blushed and took it as a nice initiative from you. She didn’t hesitate to nod immediately, signaling that you can be friends with her. This feels like you’re going to your old high school days, asking someone to be friends with them and it’s like rolling a dice because you’ll never expect if they will say a rejuvenating “yes” or a heart-breaking “no”.
But it doesn’t matter. Knowing that everything’s fine with Gaeul makes this day a lot better, making you feel delighted than ever and possibly, healing the wound she caused on your heart.
It seemed strange how everything unfolded and the sudden acceptance of apologies, but it's just going to get better from now on and everything's holding you back to where you were—a strong man being healed by an angel.
“Also, may I ask one thing with you, Gaeul?”
“Yeah, what is it?”
“Are you younger than me or not? Because I was born in 2002 and I was thinking that it’s a bit disrespectful not calling you with honorifics—”
Her eyes lit like flames, full of desire as she’s shocked that she’s the same age as you.
“Woah—no, it’s alright Wooseol-ie… I’m born in the same year too! You don’t need to address me as a noona *giggles*.”
You lightly giggle at her response, also shocked by the fact that she was born at the same year as you and you didn’t expect that. You continued talking with her and actually got to know each other’s personalities more. That doesn’t come with a bit of bickering and small laughs which is the cherry on top of every fun and engaging conversation. Not so long after, she asked for your number and unhesitantly, you typed your number on her contact and it comes with a bright smile of hers that captivates you more, falling onto her spell slowly.
---------------------------
Boisterous laughs full of joy and stupid memories, teak-jerking moments from the past that were poignant to feel inside and a lot more was shared with the beautiful girl beside you as the hours went by. It felt like you’ve started all over again as the undying feeling of ecstasy fueled you into a good mood today and of course, the feeling of love coursing to your veins can be felt again. You don’t want to rush things with her, like engaging in another relationship or something crazier than that but you can’t help yourself to feel that way. Who are you to blame if an angelic, heaven-sent girl came down and be friends with you? You’re absolutely not to be blamed here.
Well, even with the inevitable happiness you’ve felt with her earlier, there’s still a feeling of guilt and sadness that’s corrupting your heart slowly, breaking it into pieces. Why so? Because you still love her.
They may say that you must move on as the past is already buried in the past, but you want to write your own, brilliant future with her but you need to do what you must do. The pain is agonizing to deal with, but you’ll believe in saying that whenever there’s pain in your life and you’ve endured, you’ll be rewarded with a good cause and really hope that it’ll be true.
Let those pessimistic thoughts fade away as you’re only investing your interest towards Kim Gaeul only and only her.
It’s getting dark and the sun will set soon as the orange skies can be seen onto the horizon, another day ending yet there’s nothing near an end when you’re still with Gaeul.
Probably, the two of you may consider this a date on how much you’ve bonded over the hours. This may feel surreal and out of the blue yet you won’t complain as everything feels enchanted and you want that feeling.
“Want me to order another drink, Seol-ie?”
“Oh, no, I’m already good, Gaeul. Thanks though…”
The both of you wander over the horizon under the pine tree, taking a gulp on the sweet beverage you both love. It doesn’t come with a deep sigh in every gulp and your eyes wandering down to her angelic features. The both of you still converse with each other, sharing and reminiscing the core memories from the past and how you’re grateful and regretful having to experience those.
The both of you became so comfortable with each other that you began to empathize with her and that never felt this good.
Sure, it really boosts up your mood and morale within the given time as you feel open to someone you're comfortable with but talking with Gaeul feels way different. Maybe it's just a certain feeling of affection and love towards her and your biased thoughts yet who are you to blame?
“Thank you for these things, Seol-ie… I never shared this much with someone and I—felt s-so—I don't really know how to describe it—”
“I can't describe it either and I also feel the same way, Gaeul… I s-still can't believe all of these happened just within a single day…”
It does feel too fast yet you won't complain any further because at the other boat, Gaeul's enamored countenance possibly comes to a conclusion that she liked talking with you.
“This feels unreal, yeah—I feel that way too and I—uhm—s-sorry for being like this Seol-ie. It's just been awhile since I talked to someone like this…”
Gaeul faces you and you face her, making eye contact as you can see flames of passion igniting beneath those lovely, brown eyes of hers. You smiled at her and reassured her to not apologize since this is completely normal to feel because you feel the same way too.
Butterflies on your stomach—that's the best description of what the both of you are feeling right now! Yes, yes it is.
“It's alright. It's normal to feel butterflies in these situations.”
You put down your drink at the wooden seat of the bench as you gently course your hand to brush against hers, feeling her soft, porcelain skin touch yours is genuinely captivating.
“I also want to thank you for listening to me. It was hard breaking up with her but like, I had to do it. Thank you for that, Gaeul.”
You faintly smile as the coarseness of your voice becomes evident once you mention her.
Gaeul knows deep down your heart that you still love her—she can see it in your eyes; how your pupils dilated and widen every time you mention alongside a hint of tear running down your cheek, in which, to her response, wipes it down with her finger.
“Hey, hey, it probably hurts but, I guess we should take our time to move on and accept it. It's probably letting her go but if you knew it was the best for you, then you made the right choice.”
Gaeul inches closer to you and smiles at you, her reassurance definitely healing the wound that’s been scarring you for the past week.You then thanked her with all your heart because of her listening to you and being understanding to the current situation you’re in.
You never thought how pure and down to earth Gaeul is and that’s the beauty of it. Hearing her deep, soothing voice while talking just puts you in tranquil, in a state where everything just feels right and peaceful with her and you love it.
You probably fell into her spell now—falling in love with her and just her only.
“Thank you for the kind words, Gaeul. I—really owe you because of this—”
“No, it’s really fine, Seol-ie! I’m just like—you know, giving you advice for the better you to possibly come back.”
And she’s just making you fall in love with her even more and there’s the venom that you’re going to take. A venom because of the fact that you still love her but Gaeul’s just captivating your heart even more at this moment, and you would like to up the ante.
“Uhm, Gaeul, may I ask you something?”
“Uhm, sure!”
You sigh, regaining the confidence and the will to say this to her as you anticipate something that will make you smile in delight or will break your heart.
“I really, really appreciate everything you’ve said and I just wanna really say that I really like you, Gaeul.”
A momentary pause breaks the noise and the tension between the both of you, your eyes anticipating a response for her and Gaeul herself a bit shocked yet flustered with your sudden confession.
“You know, Wooseol—I really like you too and it’s genuine but…”
“But?”
She sighs as she gains the courage but a sudden realization hit her, responding to you with an amicable tone and brushing off the intrusive thought she has in mind.
Or is it…
“—N-nothing, really. It’s just—I’m a bit shocked I guess, you know? Not really used to this feeling…”
“It’s fine, Gaeul. I really liked you from the beginning but I was just scared of being rejected because of what I did yesterday and honestly, you’re perfect.”
The word resonates around her ears as it felt enchanting to hear the seven-letter word to be directed to her. She hides her face in embarrassment because of your heartfelt compliment towards her as you giggled softly because of her adorable, little actions.
“Yah~ Seol-ie. D-don’t make me blush like that—”
You then catch her gaze again, your eyes fixated on looking at her only as you let your thoughts win and confessed everything to her.
You’re so mad in love with her right now and you’ll let her know that.
“But I’m for real, Gaeul! You’re beautiful, down-to-earth—you’re perfect to my eyes. I feel so assured and I feel loved because of you, Gaeul—I love you…”
Cupping her cheek with your palm and inching closer to her, she was flummoxed with the sudden action of yours but doesn’t complain as she’s feeling the same towards you—the feelings are mutual and there’s no one that’ll stop the both of you from letting everything out.
Gently and slowly, you caress her cheeks and let everything out—
“I l-love you too, Seol-ie—you probably don’t k-know this but—”
As soon as you heard the word, it triggered something in you resulting in a deep, captivating kiss onto her lips. She reciprocated slowly as you felt the love and the sweet taste of the flesh brushing off against hers. She tastes incredible as the strawberry lipstick makes you feel insatiable towards her, kissing her passionately. You immediately pulled out as you felt guilty for being too rushed onto an anticipating climax. The both of you exchanged breaths as the short, enthralling session made the both of you feel butterflies into your stomachs (of course, it’s figurative).
“W-woah… Getting too excited, Seol-ie?” she giggled as punches your chest lightly, in a state of shock and awe as your actions definitely moved a muscle on her hibernating heart—a beast being woken up from its long slumber.
“Sorry about t-that, Gaeul—I c-can’t help it—you made me feel this way. I’m sorry about t-that…”
“There’s no need to—the f-feelings are mutual.”
You flash another smile to her, letting her know how much you love the feeling of insatiability towards her as you anticipate more or none.
“Wooseol…”
“Yes, Gaeul? Is there anything wro—”
She shushes you with a single finger brushing onto your lip as she adorably captivates you, “There’s nothing wrong, Seol-ie. I just w-want you—now, please…”
She wants you for now? What does that even mean—oh…
Yes, and you knew what she’s feeling right now—the absolute need for you and to feel your love.
“Gaeul—” you inch away from her a little bit as you ask her if she’s serious about it and there’s no games being played. “—what do you mean by this? Are you in need of—”
“Just you, Seol-ie—just you, please.”
It’s the glint on her eyes, tears being held back from the emotions she’s about to unshackle—the uncontained feeling of need, unable to be restrained anymore with just a hair’s width of chains holding it together. She demands you and it’s evident on her eyes and her hands naturally—and possibly involuntarily—caressing your thigh for further encouragement.
You know that this is not the place to take action upon her request and needs, so, you had a better plan in store for the both of you that she’ll surely love.
“Let’s just take this on to my place, shall we? Because I don’t want people to see us like this in public.”
She knows you have a point and she doesn’t want to get caught up and get embarrassed so she eagerly nods as the both of you stood up on the bench while the both of you were sitting and got your unfinished drinks.
The eyes—specifically her eyes seeking venture towards the promised land. She is brave; she is brilliant; she is her. You knew how adventurous she can be as she shared how bold and vocal she is whenever she wanted to do something but this was probably over her bucket list of wants.
The both of you then went to your car, readying yourselves to go onto your place and you can’t wait how everything will unfold once this day closes its own chapter.
----------------------------
Traveling down the breeze of the wind is sure enthralling and the both never felt so comfortable to be in touch with nature’s finest. There were little to no cars to be seen on the streets as probably, the roads are busier onto the other side of the metropolis and that’s the wonder—you went back home safely and faster than expected as traffic was non-existent. The lack of possibly heavy traffic during these busy hours is surprising yet you’re not complaining.
“Aaaand we’re here in my humble home!” your cheerful tone rejuvenates the earlier silent aura around the apartment as she was in awe of how good your apartment looks, almost so cozy to live in and probably, her ideal place to rest with.
“Woah… Your a-apartment looks really nice, Seol-ie. It’s like—it probably feels cozy to live here!”
You sheepishly laugh as you scratch your head, feeling flustered about the compliment she said on how tidy and invigorating the cleanliness of your apartment is. You’re also just a big fan of cleaning stuff and organizing things and it’s just wholesome seeing someone appreciating your aspects—possibly your personality too.
“This is just something simple—nothing really much, heh—”
“Oh come on, Wooseol—your place looks really good and neat but other than that—”
You definitely know where this will go yet you still want to have her own ways and not yours. As much as she wants to appreciate everything, she can’t let her needs unattended as you pin her slowly onto the couch, letting herself rest on it as your face is now just centimeters close to her, almost kissing her in the process.
“Why is Gaeul getting proactive? Really want me, hm?”
“Stop—but I do, I really do want you even b—” she paused for a moment as you were caught off-guard, stopping yourself from your playful antics with her.
“What, Gaeul?”
“N-nothing, Seol-ie—I just become nervous about these kinds of things…”
You cup her cheek as you look her in the eyes, assuring her that everything will be fine and she just needs to be confident with herself. You can see the passion burning behind those glowing orbs of hers and the feeling is really mutual between the both of you. After a smile enunciating the final signal, you let yourself fall onto her spell as you latch your lips onto her slowly, her immediately reciprocating on the kiss that was so torrid since the start and you absolutely love it.
The clashing of both the velvety-red flesh never stopped but intensified as every second fades, the dueling between the both of you let each other know how much you want each other.
The unstoppable force meets the immovable object and both are really the great epitome of that paradox—but there's no such paradox if everything is evidently true and the lust between each kiss explains everything well.
“God—Gaeul—you're such a talented kisser."
“No, you are, Seol-ie—mmph!”
You continue barraging her lips with your own delightful act, each kiss dominating her as she moans softly while eagerly reciprocating. Her hands then roam around your neck, your abs and your chest, caressing the clothed skin softly as she feels the tension between the both of you.
“Gosh, you're so insatiable, Gaeul.”
You kiss her again, and again, yet this time, there's more burning passion and assertive dominance as you add a little bit of tongue for spiciness.
And to no surprise, she reciprocates on your lustful actions by doing the same, both of your tongues dancing and battling for dominance and neither can win nor lose.
She let herself be free and so did both of your saliva seeping out of your mouth, the vehemence on each torrid, lustful kiss sendong serotonin down your veins.
After a hot minute of kissing, you pulled out of her seemingly tight suction of her lips as she whined a little alongside her moans, wanting to feel more yet oxygen is to blame here.
“T-too g-good, Seol-ie—that w-was great—ohh…”
“You k-kiss me so well too, Gaeul. Have y-you done this b-before?”
Almost getting in a state of trance, you invigorate yourself by distracting your eyes onto her immaculate features and your hands haphazardly caressing and roaming down her waist. She subtly moans as she tries to think of an articulate answer but really can't.
“M-maybe just once, Seol-ie. It's also a g-good experience but yours is b-better—you're a better kisser than h-him…”
You're perplexed that she already had a good experience with this kind of scenario yet you didn't mind that—it's maybe written the stars on how talented she is and that's the beauty of her.
Despite the little talk, you still want her and to feel her, just like how she wants you. With that in mind and being the gentleman that you are, you ask her permission for something you want to do, anticipating for a “yes” escaping her luscious lips.
“May I, Gaeul?”
Brushing off the little hair that's been covering the pristine skin of her neck, you wanted to latch onto those soft flesh but you waited for her permission. Of course, knowing how much she wanted you, she never hesitated to nod as she knew exactly what you wanted to do with her.
She unbuttons the two buttons on her oversized long sleeves, making you peek onto her sharp hint of collarbones and the porcelain skin if her neck as you gently meet your lips onto the musky scent of her flesh, suckling on it as she moans full or fervor yet it's still soft.
You pepper her skin full of kisses as her moans just reverberate around your ear, making you up the ante the intensity of your kisses. You don't want to mark her but probably you will considering how much the suction is being felt between both worlds yet she doesn't complain but rather helps you out—herself positioning comfortably for you and guiding your left hand onto her waist to further feel her affection.
“Gosh—m-more please, Seol-ie—ahh, right there!”
Latching onto her collarbones now, she feels the kryptonite running down her veins as she succumbs onto submission, fully submitting herself onto the sea of kisses that you initiated and her drowning herself into her absolute desires.
“Please, Seol-ie—I can't t-take it anymore—I want to do something m-more than this…”
“But I'm still not done kissing you, baby.”
God—the pet name—she did not see that coming.
It doesn't matter because deep down, she likes it and you can see it in her eyes—her eyes don't lie.
“But please—”
You stop peppering her as she whines almost inaudibly onto your ear, Gaeul feeling the soft flesh detach onto her neck. At this moment, she’s nigh-insatiable as you couldn’t contain anything that you’ve been unshackling since the day you met her. This escalated quickly but you didn’t care anymore—you just want her and her only and that is what matters.
“What do you exactly want from me, hm? Enlighten me, Kim Gaeul…”
You smirk as you mock her, making her squirm quietly as she can’t help but feel the absolute delight of her whole life because of you. The sudden foreplay is working, you can’t just be damned to do that forever as your animalistic urges take over you yet still control it as you don’t want to get harsh on Gaeul.
A sudden ring on her phone distracts you but her hands directed your chin, making you look at only her and nothing else.
“Eyes here, Seol-ie—please—”
“Don’t you want to answer that? That’s probably important, no? Or I’ll just go and check it—”
“No!” Gaeul yelps as she grabs your wrists, pleading and insisting you to not further check it because it’s nothing important. She then grabs her phone and puts it on “silent” so the both of you won’t be further distracted.
“It’s just one of my friends calling. I’ll call them later whenever we’re done—so, please, just—”
You inch closer and closer to her again, until your faces are just a hand’s width away from each other.
“Tell me, Gaeul—what do you exactly want?”
“Y-you—to feel you, Seol-ie.”
You course a hand onto the waist then onto her hips, caressing it slowly as she moans because of your sudden actions.
“Be exact, Gaeul. Enlighten me more and let it all out. After all—” you inch your lips near her ear, the hot breath tingles her as you whisper, “—it’s just the both of us here.”
You now face her with a smirk that further lures her into her own profanities. You know where this is going but you wait for her to be addressed first before yours because she’s all that matters today.
You brush your fingers slowly onto the clothed crotch, making her squirm and her legs tremble in delight. She’s getting bolder and daring as she addresses her lustful profanities to you, and it’s only a matter of time for those earlier wishes to be fulfilled.
“Tell me more, Gaeul. More of it—”
And there she goes, succumbing to the sea of lust and letting everything out.
“W-want your cock to plunge d-deep into my tight, little p-pussy—gahh—a-and f-fuck me hard and f-fast—ga-ahh!”
She can’t articulately think of words to describe what she needs as you quicken up the pace of your teasing onto her clothed crotch. You can feel the inevitable wetness being released from her reservoir as the teasing and the overgoing feeling of serotonin making her brain go haywire.
“Tell me more, Gaeul—you’re almost there.”
“W-ant y-you to fuck m-me fast and h-hard until I s-scream in p-pleasure and c-cum all over yo-your cock—g-ahh—and I—fuck!”
“That’s enough, baby.” you stop teasing her as she falls onto the couch, comfortable and relaxed yet uneasy as her thighs are still quivering because of the sudden cause of pleasure.
“I think we should go to my bedroom, Gaeul and do what you want with me…”
Her mouth shivers as she stutters because she can’t help but still feel the aftermath of the things you’ve caused her—you swear to god she almost came all just from that teasing and that’s why she’s struggling but deep inside, you know she loved it.
You still keep asking her if she’s really up for this but she’s really pushing for this and is no stranger to anything like this as she wants to fulfill her fantasies with you.
This is gonna be one hell of a night…
----------------------
“God—I knew she would do this! How am I so stupid!” The girl shouts furiously, frustrated at herself as she’s not having the time of her life because another missed call from possibly hundreds of failed calls from her friend.
She half-expected this to happen but she’s just paranoid to think about anything related to vice in her vocabulary but she can’t do anything, yet…
“We’ll have a bad time tomorrow, Gaeul…”
----------------------
“Seol-ie, please—w-want to feel you…”
“Baby, you gotta be patient—I don’t want to hop onto the climax immediately.”
She keeps kissing you fervently, tongues battling around each other as you pull out again from her vacuum, wanting to teach her something and let her know something.
“I a-also wanted to try something that you'll surely like too…”
“What is it, Seol-ie?”
You sat down onto the bed, spreading your legs wide as you stole a gaze to her, smirking at the thought of what you’re about to enlighten her.
“Have you imagined sucking a dick, Gaeul? Like, I assume you already know what that means—”
“Y-yes, Seol-ie. I’ve always wanted to try that for real and not always in a dildo.”
What a girl Gaeul is, truly. Outside, she is an angel, a pure-hearted girl with everything on her—the nigh-epitome of perfection—yet it’s all like in a disguise.
The angel in disguise and the devil in her eyes.
You never expected her to be this kinky and dirty, yet you didn’t care about that as you wanted her as much as she wanted you—and again, that’s all that matters. Kneeling down with her face just inches between your clothed erection, her eyes burn with lust as her tongue licks the caldera of her mouth, preparing on what she’s about to take and you, yourself, preparing what sin’s about to happen.
“Please do the honors, baby…”
She tugs the side of your hips, unbuckling your belt hurriedly and unzipping your pants. Her hands are trembling slightly but you assure her with a pat on the head. It definitely works as she feels way more confident than before, now dropping the first layer of your clothed defenses against your crotch. Her eyes lit up in awe as she saw how hard you became and it made her blush knowing that it’s her cause. Now taking a deep breath, she yanks down your boxers as she was met with your rock-hard erection, standing tall and dripping with a little bit of that colorless liquid. She massages your balls gently and stroked the base of your shaft, earning a subtle moan from you because of her good handwork.
“God, baby—that’s good—do I need to teach you or you’ll do it all yourself?”
She keeps her moderate pace between her strokes as she looks you directly in the eyes, “Let m-me do everything, Seol-ie—just relax yourself…”
And there she goes, diving in and plunging her lips onto the tip of your shaft in which, in response, you squirm uncontrollably as her warm mouth meets the raging mushroom tip as her tongue circles around the slit, collecting the pre-cum that has been leaking out. She moans in delight as she finally tastes you—one step until she obtains your primordial seed.
She dances her tongue onto your frenulum and up to the corona of the tip as you squeal because of the sudden hit of pleasure. She just insists on sucking the tip just to give you a tease on what she can do and surprisingly for a first-timer, she’s not doing bad—maybe just the serrated culprit making the pain a little bit unbearable but nonetheless, she’s doing a magnificent job.
“God—what a good girl y-you are—you really are a good girl, Gaeul. Fuck! Keep d-doing that…”
And she didn’t stop pleasuring you, stealing glances and making eye contact too from time to time as her adorable face contradicts the act of sin she’s dealing with between your legs—you don’t why, but it’s so fucking hot.
Now engulfing more inches of your shaft, she starts to gag a little bit because of your girth activating her reflex but she didn’t quit and further bobbed her head with a pace that’s moderately pleasurable. Her tongue working in tandem with her mouth to increase your libido is the breaking point and the dexterity of her hands fondling your balls gently is just crossing a line, in a pleasurably good way. She now takes almost full of your shaft, her pace immediately quickening as you moan uncontrollably, another symphony being composed as you grip her hair, making a makeshift ponytail to fight the excessive pleasure coursing down your veins.
When she looks up, she looks ruined as her make-up is now a mess, tears running down her cheek and the saliva seeping out of her mouth in every thrust she does with face onto your raging length.
She’s way too great to be an amateur or is it just the fact that your head is ultimately clouded with pleasure that you can’t think straight to judge her skills—but it doesn’t matter as long as you’re getting the pleasure you’ve been wanting to experience for a long time and Gaeul having a good time sucking your dick—that’s all that matters.
“S-stop—Gaeul…”
She still continues to bob her head down frantically, your brain now feeling the familiar knot in your loins which signals the near denouement of the play—the dam breaking loose, signaling your release.
“I said stop, Gaeul!”
She pulls out of your shaft, strands of saliva connected down her mouth and onto your slit as her eyes convey fear. Her puppy-like, brown eyes went uneasy and the furrowing of her eyebrows lets you know how scared she became once you furiously shouted that.
“I-is there a-anything wrong, Seol-ie?” Still catching her breath from the lack of oxygen, she asks you with a tone that distinguishes fright.
“N-no, Gaeul—I j-just want to fuck your pussy now. You d-did a brilliant job sucking m-me off. I’ll feel that until later…”
A sigh of relief escapes her lips knowing that you’re not disappointed or frustrated with her performance but rather enjoyed it.
Now getting up from her previous position, you guide her towards the bed as you completely undress yourself. She strips her clothes slowly, as you watch in amusement, your dick still twitching in need as her full body is on display—petite breasts, small waist, plump butt, mouth-watering thighs and to top it all off, her dripping, wet holes.
“Sorry if it’s not too—”
“Oh come on, Gaeul—it’s perfect just the way it is.”
You then pin her slowly on the bed, kissing lips passionately as she smiles because of your compliments. You then pepper her collarbones with kisses, causing her to moan in need as she’s asking you something that will rile you up for sure.
“How would you w-want to fuck me, Seol-ie, hm?”
A daring question but you’ll immediately answer—
“I’d like to take you from behind, baby. Wanna see this plump ass get pummeled and your holes get wet with my dick.”
“I’d love to be the guest of t-that—hihi~”
She now positions herself in all fours, her arms supporting her body and her face being buried against the mattress. You can see the wetness on her core and it’s oh-so mouth-watering to be feasted on—as much as you want to eat her pussy up, you don’t want to waste time as you want to fuck her and feel her heat.
You brush your fingers against her wet folds, earning a squirm from the petite lady on all fours. You tease your leaking slit onto her labia which causes her to beg for more and moan sexily, her lewd tone ringing around your ear.
“P-please, j-just put it in to me—just w-want to feel your—oh, fuck!”
Surprising her, you insert your tip onto the entrance of her heated core as you groan on how tight it is—much tighter than what you expect. After all, it was an unclaimed pussy so you weren’t surprised either.
“Gosh—so fucking tight, Gaeul! So, so, fucking tight—arghh, I’m pounding you real good…”
“Please d-do—ahh, you’re stretching me out!”
“It’s just my tip inside you, yet. Wait until you feel it all—the real one…”
And you unleash the beast inside you by bringing in a moderate pace, fucking her with a force that’s not too hard yet not too lacking either. It’s a great pace for and you and her to get used to each other as you gently fuck her—just withdrawing with the tip inside and then slamming back in, balls-deep into her tight, little cunt.
Within a minute of intimate, moderate sex, exchange of lustful moans adding up to the sea caused earlier and passionate kissing, you start to pummel your whole length into her harder and faster, the pace quickly building up as she can feel it to, moaning uncontrollably as her pussy constricts around your length, gripping hard because of the sudden course of pleasure. You groan in pain on how tight she is but because on how wet she is, it wasn’t an issue to fuck her like an animal.
With your whole shaft going inside her in every thrust you make, you inevitably moan in delight as the serotonin you’re feeling is insane and it just fuels you to protrude your whole length into her without letting her catch a breath. You grip her hips and fuck her relentlessly, your aim is to make her feel good and make her feel the best sex of her whole life as every clash of your bodies makes a dissonance to the symphony of moans the both of you are composing—the oxymoron (contradiction) probably making things spicier and better.
“God—S-Seol-ie! You’re fu—mmph!”
“I want to hear you, Gaeul.”
After burying her head onto the mattress because of how she’s feeling so good, you gained the courage to support herself on getting up so you can hear her profanities once more.
“You’re f-fucking m-me too well—ahh—gosh, you’re treating me l-like a toy and I—gahh—love i-it! Please p-pound my cunt!”
“Don’t w-worry, Gaeul—I’ll give you the best sex session of your whole life and you won’t forget this day until the end of times. God—you’re pussy is so fucking tight and I l-love it. So fucking tight—so fucking ruinable…”
Bringing in pandemonium of thrust, the harmonious moans that once filled the air is now a dissonant maelstrom of groans and of course, moans, as you fuck her like an animal—your animalistic urges taking over you and winning. On how much she’s messing the sheets because of her cunt dripping like a broken faucet, you know that she’s about to cum, her first of the night and want to make it one hell of a first orgasm. So, with all the energy your hips can give, you grip the side of her hips and fucked her until her legs almost give out, giving everything you got as announces her near high, resulting you to quicken the pace up and fucking her harder.
“I’m gonna c-cum, Seol-ie! All over your c-cock—fuck, fuck—I’m cumming!!”
And you slow down and let her ride her high as her pussy constricts around your cock, almost suffocating it as she came harder than you expected, her body quivering as she moans (almost screams) in absolute state of bliss.
You swear to god, you’re going to be cleaning your bed after the both of you are done.
The both of you were a mess yet you wanna add up more than just a mess as you slowly pick up the pace of your hammering thrusts, earning a silent cry from the blonde-haired girl.
“P-please, Seol-ie—please f-fuck me harder—gahh!”
“Aren’t you still sensitive, baby?”
Concern filled your tone as you wanted to give her some breathing space but it seems like she doesn’t care about your frantic actions on using her pussy at your will.
“J-just please—fuck me hard and f-fast again, please!”
If she insists, who are you to resist?
It wasn’t even out of the choice, not when your tip is still in her, bringing in a leisurely slow pace as she cries and begs for you to hammer her pussy again. You wanted to chase your own orgasm too so you’re in the same boat with her right now and course, you’ll be the one who’ll do the fucking…
What in the world did you make Gaeul be so cock-drunken? What spell did you cast on her to make her impure?
Those were the questions not even science can answer in the right time, only you can but probably, you’ll never will. Increasing the pace immediately, you pound her like it’s your last but unlike the last time, you now lean onto the nape of her neck, resting your head onto it as you pepper her with kisses that add up the intensity and the passion that has been ignited since the start. It’s like gasoline being thrown to the flames of lust and need as you are definitely fulfilling her needs and there’s just one more step towards the apotheosis of this session.
Suckling onto the porcelain skin of her shoulders while you fuck her, it’s really a sigh to behold and a feeling you can’t help to be involved, truly. You weren’t far off reaching your intense climax as you can feel her core pulsating around your raging length, also signaling her near orgasm too.
“God—I’m fucking close, Gaeul. Where do you want it—”
“Inside me, please.”
“But are you—”
“Please, Wooseol! Let’s cum together.”
The silent mewl of desperation lingers around your ears as she cries in need, in need of your seed being deposited inside her, filling her up to the hilt—right towards her womb. Wanting to savor the last moments before the end of the climax, you pull out of her immediately and commanded her to face you as she does, inserting your length with no time to waste as you look deep in her eyes—those eyes that captivated you, lured you into wanting her, loving her, fucking her—those beatiful, brown eyes—
It felt surreal and your thoughts were just head-empty full of her as you kiss her lips as soon as you feel it breaking loose—and there it is—
You kiss her passionately as you unload everything inside her cunt as the love between the both of you surpass the heavens above and everything—every thick spurt makes her moan in need as her thighs quiver in response, also marking her second orgasm of the session. You didn’t stop kissing her as it became more heated but as soon as your orgasm died, you pulled out of her snug core slowly and so is detaching of your lips onto hers. The both of you exchanged smiles and laughs, both in your own euphoric trance and in the paramount of happiness. Once you pull out, you can see how much you’ve come inside her and creampied her well. She thanked you for that yet the worry settled in knowing that you came inside her and scared if she’s going to be—
“Pregnant? Oh c-come on, Seol-ie—I’m perfectly safe today, that's why I want to feel your seed inside me. Gosh—it feels so warm and thick—ahh, thank you.” Gaeul hugs you and kisses your cheek as a big thank you on fulfilling to live on earlier fantasies now turned into reality. You shared another kiss with her and this time, it’s just slow and delicate, full of love and passion.
“This feels enchanting, Seol-ie. I never felt this good in my life—woah… Oh my~”
“And I’m happy to make you feel that way, Gaeul.”
Another kiss on the forehead for further assurance as all she needs to giggle silently again.
“Gosh—I t-think we should clean up, together, Seol-ie…”
“If you insist, I’ll help you out—I need to clean up myself too.”
And yes, this night will go down to your own history books and hers too—
---------------------------
It doesn’t just get better than this—opting to clean up in the shower and end up having another intimate session is probably the best way to end this remarkable day. It was going all to well until you saw a notification on her phone while she was away—
Tags: non-smut, story heavy drama, angsty, best friends, young love, looking for paradise
TW: to avoid spoilers, assume all trigger warning apply (I promise nothing sexual!)
Inspiration: "Paradise" by Coldplay (I love that song. Others have inspired me as well e.g. "Clocks" but this is THE one).
(A/N: Happy Anniversary to me <3 fricking 2 years since y'all had to read my first fic. Thanks for all the support! Enjoy this fic that means a lot to me. @firagaarmor, this ones for you too!)
Coldplay · Song · 2011
“Can you tell me what paradise is?”
You raise your eyes over the sharp edge of your book, your mind still lost in the adventures of a young sailor, trying to make a name for himself and fighting with the deadly, dark blue sea and the temptation of strong liquor. He’s a brave man, firmly gripping the loose end of a rope to hold the sail steady while a thunderstorm makes his life seem defenseless, fragile, miniscule. The book is too tense, too captivating to stop now!
But then you continue to look past all the letters on old, yellowed paper, straight to her face. Feel her strong gaze grab you and freeze you in place with nothing but softness and innocence. Suddenly, the meaning these words had on you evaporates; the capturing story is nothing but a hallucination you experience while staring at them. You are not hallucinating now. She is here, she is real—and she is absolutely gorgeous.
“Paradise?” you sum up her question in a rather uncertain whisper, Gaeul nods nonetheless.
“Yes!” her eyes beam with thrill and she closes the gap between you and her on the couch. Usually, the two of you leave some space on the worn-out, white sofa, with you reading in one corner and Gaeul resting in the other. It’s rare for her to be this close; it makes you trip up and drop the book on your chest. “Tell me all about it.”
“Well it’s… simple, yet also very complex, you know?” You scratch the back of your head and avoid her face. Straight brown hair frames her soft features, puts a stark contrast between dark beauty and pale beauty, while every nook and cranny on it is just flawlessly carved—you’re red now.
“You need to tell me everything!” Gaeul insists.
“F-fine. Paradise is the place that we go to after we die. We of course don’t know if it’s real or not or if we have to do something or believe something to get in it. Maybe it’s guarded by angels, gods or titans! Maybe it’s just something we tell ourselves to feel better about what death might be: just nothingness. Sometimes people imagine heaven to be this overwhelmingly marvelous forest, where everything is in harmony. Sometimes they see it as a golden gate with everything perfect and beautiful behind it. Sometimes people just call some place on earth paradise.”
“Why?” Gaeul asks, her ears twitching but not really twitching. She is just excited to listen to you, probably. “Where is this place?”
“Well, uhm,” you mutter and scratch harder. Surely you’ll find an answer that will satisfy her. “I think you need to find this place yourself. Like I said, everyone thinks paradise is something different.”
Gaeul nods with the eagerness and naivety of a child. She still possesses this deeply rooted innocence, this greed for knowledge and finding new things. All these years of school could not squeeze it out of her, no belittling, no bullying, nothing can break her spirit. You adore her for it, you envy her for it.
“Paradise,” she says and returns to her original position. “Paradise, paradise.”
She smiles.
“I want to see it with you.”
#
Gaeul and you are stuck to each other like glue. God put this glue on you from the very beginning. Gaeul was born seventeen days after you, in the same hospital, and grew up in the same street, in the same town as you. You’d always meet her at the playground and from wordlessly playing with her in the sand to fighting and hating her, you felt every emotion towards her every day for all those long kindergarten days.
In school, it was more or less the same. Other people were always interesting for Gaeul, but she kept them at a distance, unlike you, who she never ignored or turned down. You were a bit more difficult back then, frankly, the teasing from the other boys about her was annoying, but you got over it the day you found out she liked the same songs.
“Seventeen?” she chirped when you mentioned their debut track. “You like Seventeen?”
“Well, yes. This song sounds very… nice,” you whispered, phone in hand, eyes on the pavement.
“Do you know all their names?”
“Ha, no way! There is like so many of them.”
Gaeul grins and grabs your hand. Triumphantly, she announces: “I know all of them, all thirteen! I guess I’m smarter than you!”
“Pah, I-I was born seventeen days before you. I’m older and I’m smarter!”
“No~”
The bickering made you bond, while the fantastic songs of Seventeen drowned out all foreign criticism. You found more and more things to like and dislike about each other, which made every day spent together worth it. Be it playing games together, preparing food (let’s be honest, you mostly just tried mixing random ingredients and had her mom save it in the end) or just chilling on the couch—it never got boring.
It was about a year ago when you noticed that she had these long phases where she just did nothing. Her small body was positioned on the couch, always the same way on the same spot, and then she would look into nothingness. You wanted to tease her for it, for being a daydreamer, someone who spaces out and drools while doing it, yet you stopped.
She is so pretty.
You admired her. There was no drool, no dumb, mindless dreaminess in her eyes. She was in her own world, thinking of something so incredible, it made her beam with life. Her eyes were like orbs, set ablaze by golden light. Movies could never get her attention and admiration for this long—movies could never get your attention and admiration for this long. You were the one staring, you were the one drooling over how everything about her is just so flawless—you still do.
This was the day you noticed you liked her.
Seventeen days later came the day she asked about paradise.
That was the day she stole your heart.
…
Today is the day a cruel devil came to smash it into pieces.
Being friends with Gaeul for almost twenty years, it is only natural that her parents would inform you as soon as possible. You dropped your phone as the words left the speaker, it’s smashing on the floor goes unnoticed by you. Seconds later, you’re already on the street, on the run, straight to her parents’ house. You didn’t need to ring, her father wordlessly held the door open and pointed to her room.
She sits on her bed, her lower body tugged in a blanket, her back against the wall, her eyes… shut. You look at her mother, a mess of tears and snot; it’s not yet on her face but the moment she looks at you it, the dams break. Her knees unstable, she walks out of the room into her husband's arms.
“Gaeul, I—”
You look at her again. Her eyes are open, focused on the opposing wall, the sparkle of life, wonder, joy still strong, but it’s slowly getting drowned in this puddle of tears that glisten in them, a stain on her that you can’t bear to see. So you kneel down, reach for her hand and watch her leave whatever world she tried to escape into.
“Gaeul, I-I’m sorry,” you stammer out, your hands the ones shivering more, though you’d love to think that you’re strong and she is the one folding.
“It’s not your fault, dumbo,” she semi-laughs, semi-sighs. Then she rasps: “Nothing you can do about it.”
“I-I know… and I hate it.”
Silence. You look at her chest, slowly heaving up and down in a rhythmic cycle, gently increasing when you squeeze her hand and she looks down on it. Gaeul cracks a small smile, a smile so full of pain, every second you look at it is sending daggers to your chest.
Rage is building up inside you. Feel it creep up every limb, every toe, every finger, up to your head where you imagine the cruelest things you could do to the devil or deity who let this happen, no, who made this happen. They are a devil, and you will go down into the depths of hell to make them suffer for eternity.
How could they do this to her? What did she do? She doesn’t deserve this!
And you don’t deserve this either. What did you do, to see pain and horror like this? What did you do to hold a warm hand soon to be cold? What did you do, to see the love of your life become nothing but ash and dust, buried somewhere in the ground, forgotten in two generations, a life too short, too cruel to even call it that?
I’ll—
“Do you remember,” Gaeul suddenly asks, her voice soft and calming, like the wonderful, nostalgic wife you never had, you never will have. “The day I asked you about paradise?”
“Of course I do!” you blurt out, voice a bit hoarse. You could never forget the day you fell in love with her.
“You said that people can find paradise here on earth,” Gaeul starts. “I know I should probably go look for it myself but… can you go with me and show me paradise?”
The tears she held back in her eyes must have found their way to yours. Your vision is all blurry, your voice barely registers, but you are certain she hears you and knows what you're saying. You would never let her down, and in this moment, no feeling could be stronger.
“Of course, Gaeul. A-anything for you.”
#
You have only heard of cancer from these dramatic movies that people watch and then cry. Maybe somewhere in the news or a documentary, but then it was usually older people, not young and youthful spirits—those who don't think that a tragedy is right around the corner, waiting to rip apart their bodies, souls but first of all, their dreams.
Gaeul’s condition got worse rapidly. For the first two weeks, Gaeul’s mom would call you every other night because something seemed to be up. She was throwing up, had a high fever, the doctor was late, she didn’t respond—some of them were clearly only in the head of Gaeul’s mother who started to smoke again, the butts of cigarettes soon littering the tiled kitchen floor.
You’re not at all better though. Every time the phone rang, you ran over to her; throughout all other seconds of the day, you were frozen in place. Like a puppet, you sat on your bed, blankly staring at the wall and into nothing. Your body is perfectly fine, nothing hurts or is out of place yet everything feels agonizing in its meaninglessness.
You can’t even light up this tiny, simmering flame you always see in Gaeul’s eyes when you enter her room. It has not faded, no tears, no vomit, no painful breaths, nothing has put it out. It’s remarkable, beautiful, it’s the only thing that rids you of your agony for a moment.
When she was just a girl, Gaeul expected the world to tell her everything, to the minutest of details to the broadest of concepts. She sucked it all up like a sponge and let the mechanisms in her small, pretty head work with it for hours. Now it’s about to fly away from her reach in a cruel race where the world might only be jogging, but Gaeul legs are literally withering away under her tiny weight.
Yet you see the dreams in her eyes. She will not relent until she has—
Paradise.
Not even past the door frame, you drop the backpack to the ground. Gaeul jumps a bit and smiles at you in confusion. Your expression must be bewildering, funny, but she has no idea with what conviction your heart is finally urging your stupid brain to get going.
“Hey, what’s up? You alright?” she asks.
“Gaeul.” You reach for her hand, down on your knees to be level with the small, bedridden girl. “I’m going to look for it.”
“Hm? What do you mean?”
“I will look for it and find it! A-and then, I’m going to take you there, I promise!”
Gaeul looks at you funny, her free hand pushing away your torso in a playful gesture. A coughing fit interrupts her initial chuckle. “You’re playing around, talking weird stuff. But it’s funny.”
“No, I mean it—
“Paradise, Gaeul, I’m going to look for it—and I will find it for you.”
“Really?”
Really?
#
Early in the morning, the sky is still more dark, navy blue than anything else, you stuff whatever you might need into your backpack. Long forgotten and unnecessary are those school books and pens; you’ve not lost a thought about that in weeks. Frantically, you replace them with snacks, some water bottles, a map, a book, a phone, a towel, a shovel and a pocket knife. No dehydration, no getting lost, no boredom will prevent you from undertaking a journey to—
Where to, you wonder. The compass on your phone points in directions, probably the right ones, but it’s meaningless, useless. The correct route to paradise has to come from your heart. Your heart has already embedded its needle in the magnetic field that is Gaeul, now all you need to do is feel in which direction it points.
On the calm streets of this town you walk, along pretty houses which were always the start to all of yours and Gaeul’s games and adventures. It never ended here however. The two of you were always drawn to what's beyond the tarmac, the stones, the plastic. It all changes, quickly blurs to a mix of brown and green, every color in between, on this spectrum. On the soft soil of the forest underneath your feet, mixed with crunchy leaves and crunchier twigs, your adventure continues.
You might be closer, but this is definitely not yet paradise. Beautiful, but you can find it elsewhere equally as beautiful. Without second thoughts, you march on, deeper into the woods towards the pull. Gaeul’s magnetic field has this tendency to swirl off the main road. Suddenly, you find yourself in between thick bushes and young trees that make walking through them quite challenging.
Some plants wrap themselves around you like vines trying to hold you back. Slash them with the knife, bite into an apple and don’t stop for nothing. Soon, you find parts of the forest completely unbeknownst to you. The green looks darker, sunlight is a bit sparse and more animals run through your field of view. Bird, mice, dear, they all seem to look at you and when you hush and look back, it’s—
Peaceful. A piece of heaven, of paradise?
Though this spot may fill you with wonder and calm your heart, it's not yet paradise. It's all fleeting; the animals jump at your first motion, all it takes is a single cloud blocking the sun and its soft, faint rays are gone as well. You have to move onwards, past the mushrooms and moss, the deepest you have ever been in this forest.
Thousands of steps later, the dryness in your throat and the hole in your stomach force you to take a break. In midst all the tall, blooming trees you find a patch of grass, a glade, untouched by man. A perfect resting spot for the wild life, unbothered, untouched beauty. You feel a bit out of place, but you won't deny that it's a privilege to just sit down and take a breather.
You quickly down sandwiches and the water, realizing that both are not enough to quench your hunger and thirst. The sun is barely visible from here—how long has your adventure lasted until now? At some point you need to turn around, find your way back; thank God for phones and Google Maps, otherwise you'd be lost forever.
Amongst all of nature's sounds, you suddenly hear the splattering of water, probably in a small creek nearby. You grab your things and move closer to the source. The splattering gets louder and louder, oh, what you would give for the water to be clean and drinkable.
Uneven terrain and bushes block your way, but you can see the sun bursting through small gaps in between branches. You find an angle, with less thorns and stinging nettles and cut your way through it. Feel your heart throb in excitement, even when nature tries to resist you. There is something behind this, and now you are free to—
Close your eyes, because this cannot be real.
A picture before you, beautiful drawn, everything perfectly decorated, yet it cannot explain the stunningness of the sight before you. A wide open cliff gives you a perfect view of the entire forest and the lake in its middle. To your left, the outskirts of the city, only a couple of streets with both a school and hospital in sight. To your right a miniscule waterfall, fueled by the aforementioned creek. Everything is overstimulating, yet absolutely coherent in both its vibrantness and peacefulness.
Best of all, above a small rock overhang along this cliff, a pair of butterflies seem to happily dance around each other, blissfully unaware of the steep fall below them. No, they just love each other. Both swing their colorful wings to their own rhythm, not caring if someone sees, not allowing anyone to disturb them.
You carefully step towards their overhang, take a look down and see that it might be a dangerous fall, but you don’t feel any danger in this place. It is cozy, relaxing and quiet. There is nothing to fear, not even boredom. There is unlimited adventure and excitement amongst these gigantic trees, they embrace you with their twigs and tuck you in with their leaves. You can stay here for eternity, in fact you almost want to.
But not without Gaeul.
“I think I found it,” you’ll tell her. “I think I found paradise.”
#
“Gaeul is in the hospital.”
Your mothers first words when you return from your trip. The strain on your muscles, your back, your hands; they fade into the background the moment you realize what might be happening.
“What, why?”
“Her health has been… rapidly declining the last two days,” your mother says and urges you to sit down. You do not. “At some point, I could hear her scream from across the street, she… she has to be in so much pain.”
“A-and then?” You can barely stand standing around and not being by her side.
“They came like two hours ago, took her to the lake-side hospital. Her mother is—”
“I’m going there,” you say, drop your backpack and turn on your heels. Your mother sighs, deeper than ever. There is tears and misery in her eyes.
“I… don’t want you to go. You shouldn’t see this.”
“Mum, I will go. Why would you stop me? I need to be there; I can’t leave her now!”
Your mother stands up. You watch her reach for a cup of tea and drink the entire thing. Maybe it wasn’t tea. Maybe she needed some strength right now. This strong woman has never looked so vulnerable to you. She reaches for your hand.
“Okay… I’ll drive you.”
#
“You came,” Gaeul whispers, her voice hoarse, her eyes puffy, her skin pale. Well, she has always been quite the pale girl, but now her skin is rivaling snow in terms of whiteness. You push away a doctor and a relative or two and reach for one of Gaeul’s fragile hands.
“Of course I did. I’m never not there.” You smile.
“There you go, saying silly things again.” Gaeul smiles.
This is where you lose yourself in her eyes, those deep brown marbles, like bitter yet sweet chocolate—fitting to the overall mood in this hospital room. While you continue to stare into Gaeul’s dreams, the people around you go through all those stages of grief in front of the doctors, their powerless deities. Denial in her fathers voice, anger in the way her mother grabs her brother, they are bargaining, well onto their way into depression.
But Gaeul is still right there. She is still breathing. She is still breathing, even after they all leave the room. You stay by her side, long after midnight and most of the time, you just listen to her breath. Weak and shallow, but enough to keep her going. Then it starts to rain.
“Did we play in the rain back then?” you ask, looking out through the window into the dark clouds and the impending torrential downpour.
“Once or twice for sure,” Gaeul responds. You feel her eyes in your neck. “We should have done it more often.”
“Yeah, but only when the rain is warm.” Caress her knuckles. Gaeul sighs.
“Then I could have seen paradise in the rain.”
Feel a rush of excitement run down your spine when you turn to her.
“Gaeul, I think I found it. I found paradise! It’s not far from here. Let’s go there tomorrow or the day after—”
“Y-you did?” Gaeul suddenly squeezes your wrist tightly. “Where is it?”
“Near the lake, secluded in the forest. It’s beautiful—I’ll show it to you.”
“C-can we go now… please?”
Your eyes widen, your breath quickens. Someone has a belt wrapped around your chest and gradually tightens it. It’s as if there is poison in the air draining your life. This can’t get to you—no, it cannot be true. All the dreadful thoughts, you push them to the side, though they sink into your heart like the pointiest of knives. In your turmoil, you forget to answer.
Gaeul props herself up and stretches her arms out.
“Take me there, please.
“I want to see it tonight.”
No matter how much your heart bleeds, you find a way to work. For your best friend, the childhood love, the—current love. You easily pick up the thin girl and she finds the strength to secure herself on your back. She is light and heartbreakingly weak. Everything falls on you now.
“I don’t know if I’m strong enough,” you hiss when you piggyback carry the girl out of the room and quietly sneak her out through the fire exit. “But I’ll try my best to be your hero, Gaeul.”
“Don’t be some hero from your book,” Gaeul whispers, her lips right on your earlobe. “Just be you, that’s cool enough already.”
The rain is worse than you expected. Thick droplets a plenty make all colors of the quite illuminated town blurr. You just know you have to run away from them, towards the forest. There the roof of leaves will protect you from getting more soaked—which is not possible. After only a hundred meters, both you and Gaeul are two human sponges, drenched in heavenly water.
“It’s warmer than I thought,” Gaeul croaks as you sprint down the final street where the trees finally start. “Let’s play in this rain.”
“S-sure,” you grunt through gritted teeth, your exhausted legs barely keeping you upright. At the first tree, you take a breather. “But let’s get to paradise first.”
“How long is it?”
“About a kilometer. Can you hold my phone?”
Gaeul grabs it, the faint light showing a messy hill with a hundred reasons to doubt that you can carry her up there. Worriedly, Gaeul clings onto you stronger than before.
“Isn’t this too steep?”
You smile and adjust Gaeul, the friend on your back and take away all of her doubts by marching onwards, into the mud. Soon your legs are all covered in the heavy mixture of dirt, leaves, twigs, a couple of bugs, some plastic—it’s almost impossible to lift your legs over the taller roots breaching through the ground.
“Sorry that you have to carry me,” Gaeul murmurs, her face sunken into your back. The wind whips above the trees, their tips shake and you get showered in pine needles. You pause for a second, then laugh.
“Look at this mess! Mother nature is really playing with us tonight.”
“I-I’m sorry, I can’t—”
You pull a couple of needles out of Gaeul’s short, muddy, messy hair. In the faint light of your phones’ lamp. She looks like a ghost with barely lit eyes. God, it hurts to see her like this… but you will never deny that she isn’t drop dead gorgeous. The flame in her eyes hasn’t faded yet either. No matter how much fucking water the clouds above you pour down, they burn and they burn into your heart.
“Gaeul,” you say with confidence and unbridled determination as you take the first step on your final surge up to paradise. “Don’t be sorry. Don’t be sad. We are almost there. Hold onto my shoulders and you’ll be fine.”
Gaeul quietly sniffles into your thoroughly wet t-shirt, only a few tears, yet each of them is like a waterfall and adds to the weight of the most water you have ever seen in your life. Not even the oceans can compare to whatever mother nature has decided to unleash onto this area. If this is what it takes to get Gaeul to heaven, you will swim through it.
Again and again, until the end of time. And then you’ll still do it.
A bush brushing over your bodies, its evil thornes piercing your skin. You don’t feel it. Your hand shelters Gaeul, before pushing away the final branches of a familiar oak tree. There it is. Your heart skips a beat. You sink to your knees.
“Hey! Hey, are you okay?” Gaeul shouts, then she looks ahead. In this exact moment, a miracle: a lightning bolt in the distance, bright and wide, hits a far away field. Everything is illuminated, the ridiculous beauty of paradise visible in the middle of the night—for your best friend to see.
“What do you think?” you ask, out of breath and smiling brightly, brighter than the lightning. Gaeul has gotten off of your back and her weak legs carry her towards the overhang. The visual is impeccable, epic on so many levels, it’s like the grand finale to the universe:
Gaeul, the love of your life, looking at her paradise. It should be impossible, but she stands there. What might her face look like right now? You don’t need to see it to know.
Suddenly, she turns back around and sinks down on the floor. You try to catch her. A second to late, all you can do is prop her back up, shake the collar of her hospital gown. Her eyes are barely open, her lips tremble. You hug her tightly, not caring about the mud below you.
“Gaeul… no!”
Lying underneath the stormy skies, the only thing holding her in this world are your arms underneath her. Gaeul stretches out her pointer towards the horizon.
“I know the sun will rise.”
Her voice is but a whisper in the downpour, quieter than even the waterfall of tears running down your face—but it’s powerful enough to pull a single, all illuminating beam of sunlight from the edge of the world. In a final, painful but infinitely freeing breath, Gaeul says it all:
“This could be… you could be… no—
“You are my paradise.”
“Gaeul, I love you!”
As if to say ‘I love you too’, she puts her cold lips on yours a final time and flies away, forever. You hold her forever, kiss her forever, love her forever while the strongest gusts of wind don’t feel like anything. Gaeul is in your arms, looking so alive with her closed eyes and peaceful smile; but it’s all not true.
summary- gaeul finally got everything she wanted, or did she?
warnings- angst, yujin being the worst gf ever AGAIN, cheating, yujin deserves to get slapped, crying, not edited.
Author's note- pt. 2 of the yujin fic for my pookie @flolio
gaeul knew what she did was wrong. yujin was never meant to be hers. she already had a girl at home, waiting for her with her heart on her sleeve. gaeul knew it all and yet it didn't stop her from seeking yujin's love.
she remembers the first time yujin kissed her. it was a stormy day and they were both stuck outside the office due to the heavy rain. her clothes were wet and so were her hair and yet yujin remained the most beautiful girl in gaeul's eyes.
gaeul couldn't help herself, her eyes gently trailed up and down the girl's body. from her slightly tan skin which was partially visible through her soaked white top, to her soft lips which looked too enticing to the girl.
gaeul knew it was wrong. she shouldn't be having feelings for someone who already has a partner but the second she saw yujin's eyes trail down her body in the same manner, all the righteous thoughts seemed to leave her mind.
all she could think about was yujin's lips on hers and hands on her waist. and by the way yujin kept staring at her parted lips, her feelings didn't seem one sided anymore.
as yujin reached down to finally connect their lips, gaeul remembers thinking that this was probably just a one time thing. oh how wrong she was. so delightfully wrong. it had made her so happy that she was wrong.
the forbidden kiss turned into kisses and planned dates were soon to follow. she remebers how yujin would ignore yn's call and lie to her about work all while laying on gaeul's bed with her arms around her waist.
it was wrong, but it made gaeul happy. seeing yujin choose her over her girlfriend made gaeul feel like she was more important, like she was worth lying about.
as the days continued, yujin's attention completely lifted from yn and shifted to gaeul. gaeul remembers feeling slight guilt but yujin was quick to kiss it all away.
she remembers asking yujin to come clean to yn and finally break up with her. she was hurt when yujin straight up refused but yujin kissed all the hurt away. she always did.
the day they were caught by yn was probably the best day of gaeul's life. all her self doubts and insecurities vanished when yujin once again chose her over yn.
the following year felt like their honeymoon phase. they took a trip to their favorite places, had multiple dates and showed their devotion to each other every night. gaeul was on cloud nine. but as they say, nothing lasts forever.
the honeymoon phase soon lifted and they were back to their mundane lives. their was no more thrill of sneaking out to meet either. gaeul thought her life was finally stable like she always wanted. she had an amazing girlfriend, a well paying job, an apartment to her name. what more could a girl want?
just when gaeul thought she reached her happily ever after, things began to change. yujin wasn't as affectionate as she used to be, the kisses and "I love you"'s kept getting lesser and lesser and they barely spent any time together.
yujin would wake up early and head off to work without even eating breakfast. this could be normal behavior if it wasn't for the fact that gaeul worked at the same office and saw yujin arrive AFTER her everyday. "maybe she was just planning a surprise for me?" was the only thought that kept gaeul sane during this whole ordeal.
gaeul thought it'll get better soon but once again, she was wrong. yujin got even more distant and was barely around anymore. she would leave early and come back at ungodly hours.
she always had a smirk when typing on her phone and her white shirt smelled like some expensive perfume that didn't belong to either her or gaeul.
if gaeul wasn't so familiar with this setting, she could've easily chalked it up as a coincidence but she knew what all this meant.
the unfamiliar scent on yujin's shirt was once hers and the shaky hands holding the shirt were yn's. gaeul felt her heart constrict.
was this karma? gaeul already knew the answer but alas, sometimes choosing to remain in the dark hurts much less than seeing the truth.and so gaeul ignored all the signs and continued to delude herself into believing her life was just as put together as it was a year ago.
she knew she couldn't choose to remain blind forever and her thought was confirmed when one day she walked into a new Cafe while grocery shopping, only to see her girlfriend making out with choi yena.
yena was a good friend of yujin's even before yujin and yn got together. they were very close to each other. yena knew everything about yujin and vice versa. yena knew about yujin and yn's relationship, she knew about yujin cheating with gaeul and she also knew about gaeul and yujin's new relationship. yet here she was, passionately kissing her.
it was familiar in a sense, gaeul was once in yena's place. she was once the "other girl". she thought that phase got over when yujin finally got rid of yn. she finally got to be the main character of her love story, just to be replaced by Choi Yena. she was once again, just the "other girl".
with a sigh, gaeul turned her back to the two, tears clouding her eyes. she let out a silent sob as she walked out of the Cafe. that day gaeul realized one thing, "once a cheater, always a cheater" isn't just a phrase, it's a reality that managed to ruin gaeul.
Tags: angst/fluff, another bad day, losing your dignity, illness, someone who cares, there is a fever dream, Gaeul's relationship, struggling with your identity, we got a twist at the end
Inspiration: "Why Am I Like This?" by Orla Gartland
(A/N: Finally, another chapter to this slowly developing plot. I jope you enjoy it. @firagaarmor for obvious reasons)
"Didn't you say 108,000?"
"No, sir, it's 180,500 won."
"Oh, I see."
The old, fragile fingers of this confused, bald man creep back into his purse, trying to find another bill in what is probably a maze of money and plastic cards for him. You wouldn’t mind it one bit, you get paid either way and on usual nights, traffic is so little that barely anyone else gets inconvenienced. However, tonight is rather unusual. Apparently everyone forgot something and is now in a haste to buy said something. There is a long line of impatient stressed moms, annoyed teenagers and everything in between or beyond showing or voicing their disapproval.
It’s not you, you’re not the cause for their stress and discomfort, yet the customer’s toxicity still flies to you like you’re some kind of magnet. It all comes back to stab you, with passive-aggressive remarks or the glances up and down your small frame. Doesn’t really help that you only had cold ramen noodles, sweets and a little bit of bread in the past five days and that the ice cold showers make your nose itch with an impending cold. God, you must look pathetically miserable, even for your standards.
After the man finally gets his cash together, the checkouts are fast, heartless, and your heart aches for her to be at the end of the line. Gaeul—with her bright hair and even brighter smile to greet you when she is out buying drinks again—she could really save this evening. You yearn for her encouragement and presence more than for the next hot meal. Maybe even more than for the next two hot meals.
But there is no blonde angel to save you tonight. With the last customer buying their groceries, the lights die one by one, leaving you in a mostly empty store, alone with thousands and thousands of tasty and not-so-tasty products you’d love to put into a pan and fry. The thuds of your sneakers on the floor almost drown out the grumble in your stomach or the sniffling of your nose as you walk into yet another cold night with nothing to look forward to.
I fucking hate this shit.
#
You want to vomit, throw yourself off your bed, tear every single strand of your dark hair out as you dial your mother's number again. You hope it’s over quickly, but one can never know with her, especially if she still stubbornly refuses to help you. Take deep breaths, try to keep your head straight though thinking has become more and more exhaustive with every calorie you’re missing.
“What is it?” your mother groans, though you find her tone to be a lot more amused than last time. Someone is cheering and laughing in the background, drowning out even the loud TV.
“The bills, mom. I still have no electricity, no hot water, no heater.”
“Oh right.”
A response colder than your room. You try to straighten your back to speak to her loud and clear, with at least some authority, but you feel yourself crumble when the clanking of bottles loudly booms through the speaker.
“Did… did your boss finally pay you?” you carefully ask, earning an immediate response.
“Yes, he did.”
“Then why didn’t you pay the bills?”
Silence, except for the crime drama running in the back, finding all the suspects and then the killer, as they always do. This case right here is totally clear, no one needs to investigate for more than five minutes to find out that she is at fault, yet it feels like you're on trial, awaiting your parole, which for some reason is still in the balance.
“You know, sweetheart,” your mother cheekily responds, her saliva loudly flopping around in her mouth, mixed with the disgusting flavor of cigarettes and beer. “I really worked hard for that money. It’s my money. In the end I can decide what happens with it.”
Oh God, don’t do that, please for the love of—and don’t call me sweetheart.
“You can’t be serious,” you barely chirp out, your heart throbbing, crumbling like your entire body as you can see your entire foundation, the fragile remains of your fake stability finally falter. You can never cover all of your expenses with this one job and you can’t quit school now, not after getting so close to finally finishing it. You need her money and she seems to finally use it against you.
“It’s just the truth,” she responds nonchalantly, her voice a lot lighter and higher in pitch than usual. You hear someone cackle in the background.
“Sweetheart.
Don’t call me that.
“How about you—
Don’t do this.
“—start begging for my money. C’mon! Get on your knees and beg for it! I’m tired of funding your lazy, incompetent lifestyle. You should be so grateful for my throwing money at you all these years.
“I didn’t hear you! Get your lazy ass out of your bed now, and on your damn knees.
“Beg for it.”
Laughter from behind her. It's not the TV.
#
A hot shower, warm noodles, a cozy bed—they never felt so wrong, so disgusting. Even as your life objectively improves, it feels horrible, like you had to sell yourself and your soul for it to happen.
Your knees are still drawn to the floor. You might sit in a chair, listen to teachers all day or sit at the checkout, pulling items over the scanner, your knees still feel like they should get on the floor and beg.
Please let me pass.
Please give me more money.
Please leave me alone.
Please ignore my embarrassing existence.
"Hey."
"Uhhh, good evening, ma'a—Gaeul?"
Gaeul's dainty fingers catch your shoulders as you slump forward, against the checkout counter and almost fold over. Your body, devoid of energy, loses all tension.
“Hey, hey,” Gaeul calls out to you, and like the caring mother you never had, the warm palm of her hand cups your forehead. “Oh lord, you’re so hot! You’re definitely sick, what are you doing here?”
“I-I have to work,” you respond, a wave of something hot and heavy pressing down on your brain. This lava burns itself into you and makes every thought process excruciatingly hard. You haven’t even noticed it until now. “I’m not sick, every-thing is fine.”
Your smile is weak, dozy and fake, it cannot fool Gaeul a bit. Her beautiful face falls into deep wrinkles of worry as you can barely lift yourself out of her supporting arms. There is an awkward pause between the two of you, only interrupted by another customer clearing their throat. You try to get back to scanning, but one of Gaeul’s cans slips through your fingers a couple of times.
“I don’t think you should do this,” Gaeul says quietly, softly. “You don’t need to prove your toughness, it’s okay to be sick for a few days. I think your boss will understand.”
“Really, Gaeul, I’m okay.” The final can, straight into the blonde’s bag. Through your blurry eyes you can barely make out the color of her jacket, or sweater, or whatever it is—either way, it definitely suits her. “Thanks for worrying though.”
#
Why did I push her away like this? Why didn’t I listen to her? Why am I always like this?
Everything is hot and everything is cold. You need another jacket or the cold will get worse, but it simultaneously feels like you could die from overheating if you don’t start throwing away layer after layer of clothes. The way your body feels is close to how the inner mechanisms in your brain work in this fever haze. There is nothing, no thought, no conclusion, nothing that matters—yet everything is suddenly relevant.
Objects and details you’ve never actively released before come into focus of your decreasing sight, that one tile in the corner, just as dirty and unspecial as the rest, the second package of gum, purple and pink, the spooky hum when the door opens that never appears when it closes. So you stumble out of the store, tripping over your feet until the fever finally strikes you down.
The concrete, its gray color, is darker the colder it gets. It’s also harder, torturous to lay upon, scorching hot skin on freezing tarmac. Suddenly, brand new sneakers, black and white, small feet, about as small as your own, though they could be—
“Oh my God!”
—a bit bigger, judging by the length of the stockings covered legs that—
“Here, I’ll help you”
—disappear in a plaid skirt, above a combo of thick winter jacket and—
“I knew this was bad. Taxi!”
—a girl, whose hair is both silver and golden, a blonde close to whiteness, nonetheless it looks like a crown adorning and framing her perfectly formed features.
Gaeul.
#
You’re lost in a dream. A school full of students, their ages varying drastically and you do not recognize a single face. The teachers seem a lot more familiar, though they float through the room carelessly, gravity not applying to them. In fact, gravity only applies to you, as the rest of the students fly around the room with their chairs and desks.
A frame of an angel, her hands brushing your cheek, scorching hot, so she puts a wet towel on your face. That’s so nice of her, you must be sick. Sick or not, you cannot miss the day you go to the zoo with the floating class.
The zoo is filled with people, nothing but people. People that look at odd people. Those that have to stand on one leg, those that can’t talk properly, those who like weird things. You can hear your whole class laugh hysterically at all of them, so weird, so wrong, nothing better than to laugh at sickos and be glad that you’re not one of them.
“Uhm, hi.” A voice in the far background, damp, behind a shut door. “Care to explain why you have another girl in your bed?”
You feel like you have to explain yourself, but words are nothing more than concepts in your head, also the zoo is calling, you have to watch the lively corpses float through the water tanks. Luckily, someone speaks for you. The angel.
“She’s a friend and she is sick. That’s all there is to it, Yujin.”
"Oh, really?" The other voice is skeptical, eyebrows raised and she looks for a clever response. “I guess she got sick while laying in your bed? Gaeul, don’t lie to me, okay? Just be straightforward with me.”
“I—” the angel stutters and falls silent. You however found a new enclosure in this zoo which stretches in all directions. This one is rather empty and the enclosure is also no enclosure, just a mirror with a writing above it: ‘Sicko girls that like other girls’.
The reflection is you, of course, in all your—
“What am I going to do with you, hm?” The other voice, now a tall woman of incredible beauty, twirls a couple of golden strands of the angel and tugs them behind her ear with a weak—dishonest, you feel—smile. “The long hair suited you better. I really liked that.”
“I know, Yujin.”
The reflection is you, in all your fault and imperfection, far from perfection and any heavenly being. You are no angel, just a sicko girl that likes girls—and the whole class is laughing.
#
You open your eyes, but the aching, hot pain in your temple and a heavy, wet towel on top of it make actually seeing, realizing anything a pain in the ass. Just the outline of a small face looking down on you, very familiar, very pretty—oh, what a relief to have Gaeul be the first thing you see.
“Wh-where am I?” you ask past dry lips.
“Oh, you’re awake.” Gaeul turns around and quickly reaches for a bottle of water. “Here, drink this, your body needs a lot of water now. You’re in my—my friend's apartment.”
“Damn, then it must have been real fucking bad—”
You cover your mouth, realizing your loud curse in a foreign room, foreign bed, where are your manners, they might have foreign customs. Gaeul’s eyes fall shut when she begins to lightly chuckle.
“Don’t worry, she’s not here right now,” Gaeul says. “You’re all good. B-but you can’t stay here forever. Just rest up and—you have somewhere to stay, right?”
You carefully remove the towel from your face, catching all the drops running down your forehead as you think about home, your home, finally warm because you threw away your dignity. You’d love to not go there, tear up the contract for rent and run away to something new—into independence.
“Yeah, yup, I—I have a place, don’t worry. Sorry for all the trouble, fuck, I don’t even remember what—I did it again.”
Now Gaeul is holding her stomach, laughing, hitting the blanket that covers your legs and you join her. Though you might sit upright, you feel like falling over, the dizziness, Gaeul’s laugh, they make you feel like you’re still in that dream with the angel. The angel, so ethereal, but made fragile by this voice. A woman.
Suddenly, yours and Gaeul’s face are almost touching, her arms are on your shoulders, yours on her side, her petite frame is in your palm. The laughs have faded, smiles remain but you feel your heart racing. The smile fades and you’re tense. Gaeul is right there and she is so, so pretty.
“You sure you’re alright?” Gaeul asks as she sees your blush. You blush even more and avert your eyes.
“Y-yeah, thank you. You helped a lot. But—
“—are you okay too, Gaeul?”
That’s a smile full of uncertainty, a hint of anger, a glow of hurt. Gaeul’s eyes sparkle and you’d love to blow some life into them. Even better, all the love you have for her, you want to pour it into her and give her power. But no, you have no idea nor any plan to do such a thing. So it’s Gaeul who helps you out of the bed and hands you one of her sweatshirts that isn’t drenched in sweat.
“You are the one with a fever, I’m as healthy as ever!” Gaeul is so bright and her smile shines like a star. In a different universe, she is already a celebrity with a perfect red carpet smile. Fake.
“I didn’t mean that.” In a surge of confidence and worry, you reach for Gaeul’s hand and everything's in slow motion. “I-I’m scared that you’re not happy, that something isn’t right, that—Gaeul, I heard you talk to your friend and she seemed—”
“Look, I—she isn’t my friend.”
Gaeul looks at you.
“She is my girlfriend.”
Gaeul still looks at you. Now it’s your turn to fake a smile and get it over with.
...
(A/N2: Thanks for reading! Stay tuned for more chapters, though it will take time until the next release)
