Why do I keep saying I wrote a CSA story with Gavin Uriah?
Cw extended discussion of CSA and incest, metaphorical and real life
I've mentioned that Gavin's story is a story about CSA, even if that never actually happened to him. And I wanted to talk about why.
First... Gavin's childhood. He grew up in a home isolated from his peers, interacting only with his parents, his parents' staff, and his parents' friends. In a flashback chapter, we see Gavin at a party where he's tired, overstimulated, and desperately wants to be away from the grownups that he finds frightening and confusing. Instead, he's forced to carry out a humiliating, very adult ritual in front of the grownups... with another underage child. He knows that doing this thing is what makes him an adult and buys him admittance into this adult world. He wants to do this secret, shameful thing well so that his parents love him. He knows their love depends on it.
His father regularly takes him to his basement to participate in these rituals. His father tells him this is what people DO. This frightens Gavin at first, even if it feels good. He leans into how good it makes him feel, because he knows this is what buys his parents' love.
He has nightmares about what happens in the basement. His father regularly pushes things far past Gavin's comfort zone. No one comforts him through these nightmares. The other adults in his life know what's going on, but they find Gavin off-putting, so they pull away from the child who so clearly needs help. His parents know best.
Gavin grows up bitter, cold, completely cut off from his own feelings. He repeats the patterns taught to him in childhood, even as he distances himself from his parents. He can never bring himself to begin to question how he feels... because if he does, it will all start to crumble.
He keeps hurting people. He maintains what meager control over other people that he can, because if he loses that...
Until he realizes there is another way to exist. There always was. There were always other people who didn't do these awful things to each other, who love and trust each other.
It takes him some time, but he suddenly can't stand to do what he used to do anymore. He can't stand to do the thing he was forced to do by his parents anymore. Just the thought of it makes him sick. He runs from that life, right into the arms of people who will almost certainly kill him. Better that, than the life he had before. Better that, than EVER doing that thing again.
And it takes him years to heal. It takes him years before he stops feeling like his body is betraying him when he gets close to his loved ones. He still feels guilt and disgust at himself for what he's done, what was done to him.
But he heals. Eventually.
Not everything is a perfect match. It's a metaphor. Not everything tracks onto the experiences of other csa survivors. Hell, not all of this matches onto MY experience. But... oh, baby boy. So much of it is.
The parents being complicit - or even participating. The betrayal of his body. The unawareness that it was wrong. The fact that the abuse made him strange and off-putting to the adults around him, which was enough of an excuse for them to brush him off. The fact that he knew his parents' love depended on him not fighting their abuse. The years that it took to heal.
I'm hoping I share his ending, too. I'm hoping that happy ending is real.
So, I know this took forever and I also know that it isn’t the best one, but here is a mood board for the fabulous @whump-tr0pes fabulous characters, Gavin and Isaac. So this is the mood board I made for the ship.
Honor Bound 4 - 8 (hiding an injury) @badthingshappenbingo
Requested by anon - I decided to go a little more metaphorical on this one
Parts of this chapter are inspired by this chapter of the crossover AU I have with @ashintheairlikesnow‘s Daniel Michaelson story, used with permission.
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This is a series. Start here, continued from here.
This is a sequel to Honor Bound, Honor Bound 2, and Honor Bound 3.
AO3
Cw: panic attack, trauma survivor blaming others, self-hatred, narcotics mention, human trafficking mention, future cutting or burning to remove a brand mention (I’ll tag for gore?)
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Gavin’s eyes went wide as Isaac clutched at his chest. Isaac stumbled one step to the side, then another. He’s going to fall. Gavin made to get out of the chair to catch Isaac, to guide him to a seat, to pull him close to his chest and let him sob. Something.
Vera darted to Isaac’s side and grabbed his arm. He clutched at her like he was dangling over an abyss.
“Isaac?” her gaze searched his face and she pulled him upright. “Isaac, deep breath.”
“F-fuck. Not his fault. Please, it’s… it’s not his fault…” Isaac staggered in Vera’s grip, barely able to stay on his feet.
“Gray, you okay here?” Vera said fiercely, her hands tangling in Isaac’s shirt and pulling him away from them all. “Can you handle—”
“Absolutely,” Gray said, and their eyes flicked to Gavin’s and stayed. Gavin felt something in him shift, secured to the face of a cliff as the rest of him tumbled into the depths. The sound of Ellis’s sobs on the couch dragged Gavin back down again.
“Isaac, we’re going. You and me. On a walk. Right now,” Vera yanked Isaac toward the front door.
Gavin felt something stretching between his heart and Isaac’s, pulling tight as Isaac stumbled away. We’re connected. He needs to go but I just want him to stay. Gavin lurched forward as Isaac turned back and reached for him, as if Isaac could claw himself up out of panic towards Gavin.
“Not his fault,” Isaac murmured.
“I know,” Vera said, fire and iron in her voice. “Let’s go talk.”
Gavin rocked forward in a sob as Isaac disappeared through the front door. He collapsed back into the chair and pressed his face into his hands.
“Tori,” Gray said softly, reaching out slightly to her. “Tori, can I… can I touch you?”
Tori stared at Gavin with wide eyes, trembling, and wrapped her arms around herself. She jerked her head from side to side, once.
“Okay,” Gray murmured. “That’s okay. Do you know that, Tori? Do you know you’re safe?”
Tori’s lips trembled as her eyes flicked from Gray to Gavin, and back. Finally, she whispered, “You don’t understand.”
Something tightened behind Gray’s eyes. They drew in a deep breath, then slowly let it out. “I know,” they said softly.
“But I do,” Sam murmured from the couch across from Gavin. They shivered, pale and trembling, cradling their arm and gritting their teeth against the pain. Even with the morphine, they’d been in pain for as long as Gavin had been awake. He wondered if Sam had slept at all. From the looks of the deep circles under their eyes, he doubted it.
Gavin had been keeping his eyes away from Sam as much as he possibly could. He hurt Tori, yes, but Sam… Sam, he destroyed. Sam, whom he promised he would rather die than hurt again. Sam, whom he’d watched be tied down, beaten, strangled, kicked, degraded, right in front of his eyes and he did nothing. Sam, whom he waterboarded. Sam, whom he whipped as they sagged on top of Isaac, as Isaac whispered poison and lies into their ears. Sam, who’d been shot by a bullet meant for Isaac. Sam, who almost died. Again. Because of Gavin.
Tori turned and looked at Sam, shaking. “Sam, I—”
“I understand,” Sam whispered, their voice ragged with pain. “I understand. He hurt me, too.”
Gavin winced and bowed his head. His hands tightened into fists. I know. I know.
“But he didn’t want to. You… you know that, Tori. You know that. And he’ll never hurt you again.”
“Not unless he has to,” Tori whimpered. “What if we get taken again? What if someone else comes for us? What if… if… if another Stormbeck decides to take us, like his cousin, or his uncle, or whatever fucking Stormbecks are left?” Tori’s body coiled tightly with fury.
“They won’t,” Sam said. They pushed themself up against the couch and whined softly. “We’re safe here.”
“But what if we’re not?” Tori cried. “What if we’re never safe? What if no matter where we go, people will always be after us, because of, because of him?” She threw a hand in Gavin’s direction.
“You’re safe, Tori,” Gray said, their tone hardening. “You’re safe here. They won’t take you again. No one ever will.”
Tori stood quivering under Gray and Sam’s gaze. Her lips trembled and tears rolled down her cheeks. “I…” She turned her gaze to Gavin, and he withered under it. He didn’t see rage there anymore. He didn’t see terror or hate. All he saw was grief, and pain. Her eyes widened, and she wrapped her arms tightly around her chest. “Why did you have to do this?” she whispered.
Shame choked Gavin and he let out a strangled sob. She didn’t just mean the past few weeks, he knew that. He knew she meant all of it: torturing Sam for information, breaking Isaac for pleasure, hunting the team down for revenge. Petty revenge for what they did to protect themselves. He knew she meant shooting Gray, and kidnapping her. He knew she meant finding them again when he had nothing else to lose. He knew she meant worming his way into their family, tricking them all into feeling something for him, only to betray them all again and shatter them beyond repair. He knew it, and he felt like he would be crushed to death beneath the guilt that consumed him.
“I’m sorry,” he whimpered, and heaved a sob.
“You made us care about you,” Tori said brokenly. “You made us believe you cared for us, too.”
“I do,” Gavin rasped.
“But you still hurt us. You still took the things that you knew about us and hurt us.”
“I didn’t want to,” Gavin said, pleading.
“And why…” Tori gulped. “Why did you have to come back broken, too?”
Gavin stilled and froze under the chill that swept through him.
“I worried about you,” Tori sobbed. “I mourned you when I thought you betrayed us. I thought Colleen destroyed the man we put back together.”
Gavin was completely numb. His mouth fell open slowly. “You…?”
“I cried for you,” Tori whimpered. “When they took me back to my cell after the first time, I cried. I thought you’d lost yourself completely. After everything we did, after everything we tried to do, I thought you broke. I thought you were Gavin Stormbeck again.”
“So did I,” Gavin sobbed, leaning forward. He ached to reach out to Tori. He didn’t know what he wanted to do, but he knew he wanted to connect with her. Grab onto the despair he saw in her and pull her back to healing, together. I did this. I want to fix this, if she’ll let me. If they’ll all let me.
“G-Gavin,” Gray heaved out. Gavin looked up and saw tears shining in their eyes, too. “I’m… I’m sorry she broke you, too.”
Gavin forced down the strangled sob tearing at his throat. “D-don’t,” he whimpered. “Don’t do that. Please. Go to, to Sam, or…” His eyes flicked to Ellis, quieted in Finn’s arms. “…or Ellis. Take care of them. Just please… don’t…” His voice cracked. “I don’t deserve it. I… please, I… please…”
Gray reached down and pulled Gavin to his feet. They dragged Gavin into their embrace, wrapping their arms tight around him and squeezing until Gavin felt a sob push its way from between his lips. His arms went around Gray, and his hands locked around each other. He heaved a broken sob and buried his face in Gray’s shoulder.
“I’m so sorry she hurt you,” Gray whimpered. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry she hurt all of you. But Gavin…” Gray pulled away and held Gavin’s shoulders firmly in their hands. “It’s not your fault. Do you hear me? It’s not your fault. No matter how much you hate yourself, no matter how much it hurts, this is not your fault. This… this was not your past returning. This was you, Gavin Uriah, and you did what you had to do to save my family. Our family.” Tears streamed down Gavin’s cheeks. “Do you understand? You have my name now. You’re in this family. You’ll never be who you were again.”
Someone pressed gently against Gavin’s side and he flinched. He turned and saw Sam, panting, their skin shining with sweat, weakly wrapping one arm around Gavin’s waist, the other still in its sling. They gently rested their forehead against Gavin’s shoulder. Their curls tickled Gavin’s neck.
“I forgive you, Gavin,” Sam said softly. They shuddered and sagged against Gavin, a whine forcing its way between their teeth. Gray moved and guided them back to the couch.
Gavin turned to face Ellis, who was still staring at Gavin with something close to hate on their face. He wet his lips. “I’m sorry, Ellis,” he said softly. “I’m sorry for what I did. I’m sorry for what I did to, to Isaac.” Gavin tripped over the name. “But I… I’m not asking for forgiveness. I just want you to know I’m sorry.”
Ellis leaned forward, hatred twisted their features again. “I—”
“Ellis,” Finn said heavily. They gently pulled Ellis back to the couch. Ellis grabbed Finn’s forearm and shoved them away. Finn jerked as Ellis’s hand closed around Finn’s right forearm. Ellis’s eyes went wide.
“Finn,” Ellis breathed. “Are you… did they hurt you?” Ellis reached for Finn’s sleeve and jerked it up.
Gavin’s eyes went wide as Ellis pulled the sleeve up above Finn’s elbow. There on the inside of their forearm, round and almost-healed, was a scar. Gavin knew exactly what it was. He stumbled to Finn’s side.
“They branded you?” Gavin and Ellis gasped at the exact same time.
Finn yanked their sleeve back down over the scar, a perfect circle of the Stormbeck family crest seared into their skin.
Finn’s eyes filled with tears. “They… um…” They wet their lips. “They wanted a, um, a medic.”
“They branded you?” Gavin repeated with a sob.
“I think they wanted to keep me alive, even after,” Finn murmured. “Keep me for themselves. I think they… um…”
“They were going to—” Ellis gasped.
“But they were—” Gavin interrupted.
“It’s fine,” Finn snapped, and pulled their sleeve down further.
“It’s not fine,” Gavin said breathlessly. “You’re marked now, for u— for the Stormbecks. No matter where you go, anyone who sees that will know you w-were Stormbeck, um, property. Anyone who sees that will, will think they can take you and torture you for in, information about them, or sold back, and I… I…” Gavin trembled and gasped at the air that seemed to be suddenly sucked out of the room.
“We’ll handle it,” Gray said tightly, going to Tori’s side now, and guiding her back to a couch. They’re just moving between us all. All of us broken. Back and forth, back and forth. All of us needing help. All of us falling apart.
“How?” Ellis whimpered, clutching at Finn as Finn flushed red with something that looked like shame. “How can we undo this? If Finn’s… um… marked…”
“We have a lot of choices,” Finn said dully. “We can cut it off. Or, or burn it off.”
“No,” Ellis sobbed. “I don’t want you to hurt, babe. I don’t… I don’t…”
“It’ll fix the problem.” Finn’s eyes shone with tears. “We’ll fix all of this.”
“This can’t be fixed,” Tori whimpered as Gray sat beside her and squeezed her hand on the couch. “None of this can be fixed.” Her voice trailed off into nothing.
Gavin stumbled to his feet, desperate to move. Desperate to push the shame that slid through his veins out of his body, to bleed himself of it. To let it drain out of him, black and poisonous, until there was nothing left. There would be nothing left, after that.
He needed to leave. He needed to run, far away from the family, from these people he’d destroyed over and over and over. His hands shook as he staggered out of the living room and down the hall.
If I leave, they’ll look for me. If I leave, they’ll worry, or assume I’m still working with the syndicates. If they leave, they’ll know I’m shameful, that I’m a monster and I can’t be trusted.
He wanted to disappear, but he had to stay close. He stumbled to his room and closed the door. He collapsed onto his bed and cried until he felt his lungs would tear from his chest.
actually in love with the idea of Gavin still talking like a villain. Part of why Isaac falls in love with him is because he starts talking about 'taking someone out' and 'taking care of business' and he's just talking about taking the trash to the curb
Tbh one of my favorite bonus chapters I wrote for HB book 6 is one where Isaac and Gavin interact with Meredith, the shopkeeper we meet in this chapter. Gavin is dizzy and triggered, and they're both reeling from having seen Rosa again. But still, Gavin slides into his perfect, polite syndicate mask.
Isaac loves him, but he can't help but shudder. I love those moments when his past slips through 😍
quick gavin sketch for @whump-tr0pes !! I’m obsessed with this series gahhh i keep re reading it anyway uni is kicking my ass but i want to do more fan art when the time comes 🙏
